Disclaimer: Still not making so much as a knut off this. Give it all to Jo.
"Severus."
"Leave me."
"No. Talk to me."
"No. Leave me."
"Ok, I get it; you're upset. We shouldn't have been talking about you or Lily. I'm sorry. Will you talk to me now?"
"No."
It was three weeks since the altercation outside with Remus. After Snape had stalked inside, he had warded his door and stayed in his chambers the rest of the night, ignoring Hermione who was trying to get in. Clever though she may be, she was no match for Snape's wards.
He had not spoken to her at all in that time. For her lessons, she would come in and he would have instructions written on a board he put in his private lab. He would arrive late and leave early for breakfast and dinner and skip lunch altogether.
Through Dumbledore and Draco, he learned that she had gotten two more letters delivered in that time. Both just threatened her like usual with no new developments. That actually worried Dumbledore far greater than if he had put something new in them.
Once, Severus was alerted through his ring that Hermione may be in potential danger. When he followed his ring and it led him to the Hospital Wing, he found that someone had used a hex to trip her. She fell down one moving staircase, luckily coming to rest on a stationary landing instead of rolling off in mid-swing. She had a broken leg and a concussion, both of which Madam Pomfrey heal in a thrice. After being assured by Poppy that Hermione was ok, he left without a word or glance at Hermione.
Remus hadn't spoken to her outside of class either, but he wasn't ignoring her in class. He was acting like a normal professor should.
Draco and Harry didn't know what to make of it. Things were getting ugly and fast. Draco felt that Lucius was getting anxious, which was leading him to his attacks on her. If he found out that Severus and Hermione were on the outs, it could be disastrous.
Currently, Hermione was in Snape's quarters trying to force him to talk to her.
"Listen, Draco said that it could be dangerous if Lucius were to find out that we are arguing," she told him, hands on her hips.
"I don't care what Draco says. And we aren't arguing; arguing consists of talking and last I checked, I wasn't speaking with you," he said idly as he stared into his fireplace. An almost empty bottle of firewhiskey sat next to him.
"You're being so immature about this!" Hermione finally snapped, pleased to see that her outburst made Snape's hand tighten on his bottle as he paused while bringing it to his lips again.
"I think it's time you leave, Miss Granger."
"Don't act like this, Severus-," she started but he cut her off.
"Twenty points from Gryffindor for use of my first name when you don't have the permission to do so."
"What?"
"Shall I make it thirty?"
"What is your problem? I apologized!"
In the next moment, he was on his feet towering over her. "What is your problem, Hermione? Why couldn't you just leave well enough alone?"
"Excuse me?"
"Draco told me weeks ago that you all had been discussing Lily and he warned you to back off. He warned you not to get involved."
"He warned me not to ask you, SEVERUS, and I didn't. Harry started talking about it," she shot at him.
"And you asked about her! You just had to know everything! You know, for the cleverest witch of your age, you really can be a dumbass sometimes."
"I just want to know what went on!"
"No."
"Just fucking talk to me, Severus! It's not even that big of a deal!"
"Then why are you pushing? I don't wish to speak about it!"
"I just wanted to know the whole story!" she yelled at him, getting pissed.
"IT'S NOT YOUR STORY TO KNOW!"
"It is if-"
"Yes, yes, if it affects the 'man I love'. Those were your words, right Hermione?" He smirked evilly as she turned red. "That doesn't give you the right to pry into my past!"
"Well, I think it does! I wanted to understand! I wanted to know!"
"You'll never understand what we had!"
"That's because you didn't have ANYTHING, no matter how much you wanted to! She never wanted you! You were just stuck on her because she was the first person to show you affection!"
She gasped after the words left her mouth and Snape went still.
"You think you understand anything that happened? Get out!"
"No! I just wanted to know, Severus! I wanted to know how you could love her so much! I wanted to know what that was like! I just wanted to understand!"
"YOU'LL NEVER KNOW! YOU'RE NOT LILY! YOU'LL ALWAYS BE SECOND BEST TO HER NO MATTTER WHAT SHE DID! EVEN WITH HER DEAD AND GONE, YOU STILL DON'T HOLD A CANDLE TO HER! YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT LOVE IS? YOU KNOW NOTHING! NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE I HAND YOU OVER TO LUCIUS MYSELF!"
His chambers were silent as his words washed over them both. His eyes widened and he opened his mouth again, but he couldn't think of what to say. She turned and ran from his room, narrowly avoiding the shattering glass over her head as Snape threw the bottle.
XXX
Draco and Harry were sitting and watching T.V. when Hermione came barreling in and ran towards her room, sobbing. With reflexes of a seeker, and from years of paranoid training, Harry jumped up and grabbed her before she got to her door.
She beat against him for a minute while he tried to soothe her. Finally, she started to calm down. She was still crying, but she was no longer trying to beat up her best friend.
"Hermione! What happened?"
"I'm assuming it didn't go well?" Draco asked cautiously as he came to stand next to them, earning him a glare and an elbow to the ribs from his boyfriend.
Harry led her over to the couch and little by little the story came out.
"He threatened to hand you over to Lucius?" Harry hissed, narrowing his eyes.
"He was just upset; he didn't mean it," Draco said dismissively.
"That doesn't matter!" Harry said.
"Sure it does. It matters a lot. If he meant it, then we'd have a problem. Since he didn't, we have less of a problem. If he meant it, we'd be dealing with Severus and Lucius. Since he didn't, we're just dealing with Severus having a tantrum," Draco explained innocently. "I know my godfather, Hermione. Just stay out of his way for awhile. Eventually he'll realize what he said. For the time being, however, it's vital that you don't let on to anyone that this happened. We can't have it getting back to the spy."
"Wow, you're really supportive and comforting, Draco," Harry said, rolling his eyes as he held the still sniffling Hermione.
Draco sighed in exasperation. "I'm logical, Harry. Sometimes it takes front seat to comforting. Listen, they both messed up royally. I'm not saying that Severus was right in how he reacted but Hermione made mistakes as well. I'd rather concentrate on keeping her alive long enough for them to make up, okay?"
"Good thing I'm dating him; I would hate to go to him to talk to after him and I have a fight," he mumbled to Hermione, who gave a shaky chuckle.
"I'd probably tell you to quit your bitching," Draco agreed idly and pressed play on the movie.
XXX
It was almost two a.m. and Snape was still sitting in his chair staring at the door and the broken glass still littering the floor around it. The only things that had changed were the levels on the whiskey bottles he drank.
He had threatened to hand her over to Lucius. What in the hell had he been thinking?
Oh wait; he hadn't been.
She was so infuriating! And as childish as it seemed, he could only think: well…she started it.
She never should have pried. It wasn't her business to know and she should know that! She knew from the beginning that the subject of her was off limits.
He knew it was a mistake to tell Potter.
However, he enjoyed hearing Harry call his own father an asshole. He didn't even get the urge to hex him when he called her a bitch, which surprised him.
He wasn't expecting that reaction from Lupin. And he definitely wasn't expecting that response from Hermione. He wasn't even sure if she realized she had said she loved him.
Snape scoffed, the noise sounding loud in his otherwise quiet chambers.
Love. She actually thought she loved him. She's too young to know what real love is.
Ah, but weren't you younger than she is now when you decided you loved Lily? his traitorous mind offered. Besides, his situation was different from Hermione's.
It's different because this time the girl actually reciprocates your feelings.
Preposterous! He fancied the young chit, sure, but nothing more. She was just attached to him because of a hero worship for him stepping in to protect her. When all this business with Lucius is finished, she'll wise up and leave. It's what women do, after all. Lily left. Hermione will too.
Lily died, and she was never yours, therefore she could never leave you.
"SHUT UP!" For a few moments, Snape glared around his empty chambers before realizing how ridiculous he must look, yelling to air. He picked up his whiskey bottle, but when it passed in front of the fire place, the light made the liquor shine like the color of her hair.
He flung the half empty bottle at a wall, feeling a moment of satisfaction when he heard it shatter. He was lucky that it was a Friday night; he didn't think he'd be in the best shape to teach in the morning.
He glanced drunkenly around his rooms, doing a double take when he saw the same green as her eyes. It was just his good quill, a gift from Dumbledore a few Christmas' past.
Suddenly, everywhere he looked he saw something reminding him of her. He stood up and started blasting everything he could with his wand: the green throw pillow, the red quilt Hermione had left, a charms book left out. He was turning wildly around in his inebriated state, eyes wide and stumbling, shooting off spells. Finally, he turned to a mirror above his fireplace and saw himself pointing a wand at his reflection. For a moment, he glared at himself with hate before his face crumpled slightly and he completely destroyed the mirror.
Falling to his hands and knees before the fireplace, Snape started to vomit until he was just dry heaving. A quickvanishing charm later and all traces of his sick were gone. His floor was clean, as were his robes and his chin. All that remained on his face were the tear tracks. -
Snape stayed crouched on the floor for a few minutes trying to compose himself.
"Hey Sev."
"Go away," he said, still staring at the ground.
"Don't be like that. We need to talk."
"I said leave me, woman!" he snapped. "You're not real!" He sat up fully and glanced around his empty chambers. "You're not real," he repeated quietly.
"Then why do you let me run your life?"
"Stop it, Lily," he warned the voice he knew to be coming from his own mind.
"You're the one thinking me up, Sev. You really fucked up this time didn't you?"
"Shut up," he said out loud, closing his eyes.
"First, you can't get me, then you can't even protect me from dying, and here you are again except this time, she likes you and you still can't keep her from dying!"
"Shut UP!"
"You let me DIE, Severus! How is that love?"
"It wasn't my fault! I tried to plead with him! I tried to save you!"
"Too little, too late Severus!"
"Shut up!" he yelled.
"You must not have cared very much, or tried very hard. Luckily, it was a quick death."
"I tried! I pleaded and pleaded and Dumbledore said he would keep you safe! It was your fault! You and Potter trusted that rat, Peter! I told you not to! I told you to keep Black your Secret Keeper or change to Dumbledore! I tried!"
"You killed me, Severus! You're still just a dirty death eater! You ki-"
"NO I DIDN'T! It wasn't my fault! I did all I could! Hermione showed me that! I've more than paid for my mistakes! Now LEAVE ME BE!"
His chambers were silent for a few minutes. The only noises to be heard were the popping and cracking of the fire and the soft gasps and sobs of the dark man kneeling before it.
"Lily?" There was no answer, in his rooms or in his head. "Lily? Don't leave me again! Lily! LILY!"
Only silence greeted his yells and Severus started to softly cry once more.
XXX
A few floors above the dungeons, Hermione lay awake in her room staring at the opposite wall, trying to convince her heart to mend itself.
Trying to convince herself that you can't have a broken heart over a man you didn't love.
XXX
Somewhere on the castle grounds, a plot was forming in the mind of one person as they lay on their back, staring at the ceiling and grinning malevolently.
Time was running out.
Plans had to be re-done after the bit of news they had found out.
Now was the time to strike, before Hermione and Snape could make up.
XXX
Back in Snape's rooms, he had moved back into his chair in front of the fire instead of the floor. He had been hunched over for hours, head in his hands, and elbows on his knees. The pink tint of dawn was starting to come up through one of the only windows in his dungeon. His back hurt, he was starting to get a headache from the liquor and events that followed, and he was in desperate need of a shower.
Yet still he sat.
Still he thought.
Try as he might, and he had tried, he couldn't get his mind to conjure Lily's voice again. Or what he assumed to be Lily's voice. Even he had to admit that it had been over eighteen years since he had last heard it in person. Sure, he had pensieve memories, but those weren't the same.
He could, however, hear Hermione's voice loud and clear. He had tried to banish it like he did with Lily's, but it stayed. He also tried to get rid of the memory of her face after he yelled at her last night out of his mind, but he failed at that too.
He had no idea what any of it meant, and frankly he was too hung over and upset to figure out any riddles or deeper meanings. He forced himself to concentrate on the things he was certain of: Lily was dead; Lily had never been in love with him; Hermione believed she loved him; he was supposed to protect Hermione and he was failing; he didn't know how he felt about either woman anymore; he was happy when we was around Lily; he was happy when he was around Hermione.
Slowly, so slowly, he lifted his head. He sat back in his chair and closed his eyes before taking a deep breath; he knew what he had to do.
"Expecto patronum," he whispered with his eyes still closed; he was afraid.
Finally, he opened his eyes and looked into the patronus-eyes of a doe; his doe, Lily's doe.
He knew. But knowing and doing are two separate issues altogether.
He took a deep breath. Then another. And then one more, just in case. He let his eyes fall closed again, and behind his eyelids he saw her face. He may not know how he felt about her anymore, but he couldn't stop himself from seeing her face: he saw the hair that he loved, the silky feel of it; he saw the bright eyes, full of wonder and intelligence; he saw her smile; he saw her smile and hug Potter in the Great Hall before turning towards his table and giving him an even brighter smile. He saw Hermione.
Finally, he opened his eyes. His patronus had stayed standing in front of him like it had done so many times in the past when he had felt maudlin.
"It's time," he said quietly. His doe cocked her head. "You're dead, it's true. But you never were mine to begin with, and you never wanted to be, so you never truly left me. I lost my best friend that night, and for so long I felt that it meant I had lost you. So I clung to your memory in an unhealthy way, and used it to fuel me forward. I should have been using your memory to motivate me, but instead I used it in bitterness. You don't deserve that. I know that you would never have said the things that constantly passed through my mind. I loved you, Lily. Because of you, I had the strength to finish the war. Because of you, I protected your son the best I could. You would be…proud…of him, Lily. He won't be getting married to a fine witch at any point in the future, but he is definitely your son. He's strong-willed, stubborn, and damn powerful, especially in defensive magic. He could have taken your husband on and most likely won. But he is also his own person. You should have been able to meet him, especially as he is now."
Snape blinked a few times. "I miss you, Lily," he said hoarsely. "But I missed you for the wrong reasons. I need to miss your laugh and smile the way they were when we would joke. I need to be able to look your son in the eye and not want to hole up in my room for days."
He stared hard at the doe for a few seconds, as if memorizing everything about it. Finally, he closed his eyes and took another deep breath.
Keeping his eyes shut, he whispered, "I don't need you anymore, Lily. I know this now."
Opening his eyes, he caught the last wisps of blue as his patronus dissolved.
Breathing hitched a little, and voice caught in his throat, Severus Snape raised his wand with a slightly trembling hand.
For the second time that night, he whispered, "Expecto patronum."
A bright blue lynx, brighter than his doe, came out of his wand and jumped onto the opposite chair where it curled up like a cat.
Snape put his head back into his trembling hands.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXx
A/N: Ok, so I know this was a super short chapter but I just couldn't make myself type anything after that last bit; it was the perfect chapter ending.I will admit that as I wrote this last Snape part, my eyes welled up. It was hard.
As most of you probably caught, the line "for the cleverest witch of your age, you really can be a dumbass sometimes" is from the hilarious youtube musical, A Very Potter Musical, except it was spoken by Dumbledore.
The next chapter is coming along. It won't be much longer until the end. I don't want to be one of those people that drag their stories out just for the sake of chapter numbers.
(btw, I finally went back and fixed every chapter so now they all have XXX for breaks)
Thank you, again and always, for your reviews!