***photos for this story are on my blog, posted today 10-16-12. Also a new Ranger oneshot that goes with my new chapter in A Random Life.
blog link is in my profile. enjoy! Happy Halloween!
Shelter from the Storm
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Chapter 50 - My Dog is Batman—what of it?
''Daddydaddydaddy!"
My daughter stormed into my office and threw herself onto my lap. My arms closed protectively around her. Over her dark curly head I saw The General smiling indulgently and next to him, his new aide Colonel Prick looked appropriately horrified. Okay, I meant Colonel Pickering.
I said, "What's up baby?"
"Daddy! Look! I am invited to Izzy's birthday party! It is on Halloween so it will be a dress up Halloween verrrrrrrry scary party! At night! In the dark!"
My wife Stephanie had quietly entered the office behind our daughter. Now she looked at me and shrugged a little.
Izzy is my daughter's scary seven year old cousin. Figures Izzy was born on Halloween, the child is at best a witch, possibly worse.
Zoë waved a large colorful invitation in my face. I said, ''Excuse me a moment,'' to my 'guests' and took the card. Hmmm...yes, a real Halloween party.
The Haunted Mansion Beckons You...Come!
On October 31st, 5 PM
But that was the date I had planned to take Stephanie away for a romantic weekend, perhaps to New Orleans, they do an amazing Halloween for grownups.
I said, "But..."
"Wah! Wah! Wah! I gotta go to the party, daddy! You gotta, gotta take me! You gotta!"
Stephanie said, ''We can change our date, Ranger."
"No. There are plenty of adults here who can take Zoë to the party. We'll discuss it later.''
Hah.
...
Later
Britta the Swedish nanny and her boyfriend Dragan the Romanian war criminal, aka Dave, stood in my office and firmly refused the job.
''What?'' yelled Drag. ''No! No way!'' Vaaaat? No! No Vaay!
''You will,'' I ordered.
Dragan shuddered. "No, the thought alone, that child, on All Hallows? Do not frighten me with such ideas, I think I shit my pants, boss.''
Britta gave him an elbow in the ribs and laughed. "No, you always smell that way.''
"Do not!"
''Do too!''
''Do NOT!" Drag stamped his combat booted foot.
Britta grinned and mumbled, ''Oh my god!''
Dragan: ''What?''
Britta told him, "You're a dork!''
''Shut UP!'' I yelled. "And stop kissing her! Find Arkady and send him in. Now."
The mirthful lovers scampered out before I could change my mind. A few minutes later, a tentative knock on my open office door. "You wished my presence, my boy."
I was so not his boy.
I glared, then told Arkady Petrovich, ex-KGB hitman, ''Come in and sit down."
Arkady, also known as Monster, sat and fussily nipped up the knees of his Rangeman cargoes, languidly crossed one leg over the other. "Yes, my son? Speak."
I thought hard about the Glock in my waistband.
I said, "You are my daughter's bodyguard. Your assignment is to take her to her cousin's Halloween party in a couple weeks."
"Her cousin.''
''Yes. Jilly's little girl.''
''Ah. The imp from Hell.''
''Well...''
''No.''
''No what?''
''No I am not going near that person on All Soul's Eve.''
''Then you're fired.''
''Not a problem.''
''If I fire you I'll have to kill you,'' I threatened.
''But you will not. Miss Zoë would be very sad if you fired me...or shot me."
''Shit, Arkady. I had plans! With Stephanie. Help me out here!''
''I am fired?''
''No, no. Your refusal is, uh, so noted.''
''Exactly.''
''Any thoughts?''
''Perhaps Mr. Stewart? He is after all related by blood, perhaps that will protect him.''
I smiled. ''Great idea, you just saved your ass."
I motioned Monster out of the room and picked up the phone. When my stealth brother heard the request there was a long silence.
Then...
...a cruel laugh.
And he hung up on me!?
...
Halloween, around noon.
''Daddydaddydaddy! You are my date! You are Killer's date too!''
"What? No!"
But yes. There I was, strapping them into their booster seats, on our way to the execution...I mean party.
Why me? No, no, I am not channeling Helen Plum. I meant, Are you wondering why it is me with Zoë and Killer on board my newest Cayenne?
Stephanie took the tickets and the reservations for Halloween in Haunted New Orleans, gave me a huge hug and an excellent kiss. And invited Lula in my place.
So here we are. I did win the costume argument. I was not gonna wear a costume! Geez.
Zoë had her costume packed up along with Killer's outfit in her big pink Barbie rolling suitcase, along with her toothbrush and jammies, all set to party hearty and then sleep over. She had refused to let Britta dress her in her costume. "It is a surprise, daddy." Which considering the traffic on the LIE was maybe just as well.
''We have to pee-pee, daddy.''
''You just went.''
''But, daddy.''
Back in the car. "Are we there yet?"
"No.''
''Daddy! We have to ...!"
You know how that goes, you have a kid or two, right?
Man, they pee a LOT. Then we had lunch at McDonalds.
The good news was: Tank was riding shotgun.
...
hours later...
We arrived as the sun was setting behind the dunes. Shadows were deep and long and purple. The big white beach house glowed spookily. Or maybe I imagined that.
We were greeted by my sister in law Jilly, dressed up as a butterfly, maybe? Sequined bodysuit, some sort of glow-y sheer wings, glittery 5" heeled platform FMPs. Butterfly dominatrix? She kissed my cheek and said, ''Hey, honey. Nick is Captain Jack Sparrow. I see you came as...uh?..."
I narrowed my eyes at her.
Jilly said, ''Nick's in the backyard putting the final touches on Zombie Land.''
''Zombie Land?''
''Yeah, it's this cemetery full of the Undead.''
Tank grinned. " You know, Rangeman, they have dead people in the backyard.''
"Well, some people have swimming pools, others have private cemeteries. It can happen." shrugged Jilly. She gave Tank a big hug and kissed him, turned back to me.
Our face off was interrupted by a cacophony of girlish squeals. The cousins in action.
Then, ''Hello, Ranger.'' Those glacier ice eyes.
I nodded. ''Izzy."
She intoned, "Dark spirits from the grave come forth. Lift us from the black. And show us, show us the way back.''
Zoe: "What's a 'way back', daddy? can I see it?''
"Ssshhhh..."
But Tank visibly recoiled. "Dark spirits? Hey, no dark spirits! Don't you make no dark spirits come out!''
She swiveled her eyes. "Oh and look. Mr. Tank.''
"Just Tank, baby girl."
Silence.
''I am sure you did not call me baby girl.''
''Uh, oh! No, yeah, nope. What should I call you?''
"I am Tatiana! Queen of the Woodland Faerie Tribe. Can you not tell?" If looks could kill.
Jilly took Zoë and Killer and the pink suitcase and snuck away. Coward.
We stood pinned under Izzy's gaze, shuffling our feet.
I said, ''You look beautiful.''
She did too, in a deceitful sort of way. Izzy should have had a pointy hat, a cauldron, and a broomstick. Instead she wore an ethereal [costly, couture-like] dress, pink tights, pink satin slippers and sheer pink wings. The dress had a tattered layered pale pink skirt, the top was somehow feathered, like a quail or ...falcon. An owl? The feathers looked real. Realistic too. The child's mane of glowing silver blond hair was dotted and knotted with spangles, flowers, petals, and more feathers. And she carried a sparkling crystal wand.
Now she touched the tip of the wand to her pink lips, stared at me and poor Tank.
Finally she said, ''Thank you." We breathed sighs of relief too soon. Taptaptap went the wand's star against her tiny pearl like teeth.
"Ranger!"
"Uh. Yes?''
" You remember how I just... murdered a guy!''
I was reassuring. "Naw... when it's an accident, it's called manslaughter.''
"If it was an accident." The evil child smirked.
We stood in silence. (yeah scared shitless, what can I say?)
Izzy broke into her angelic beatific smile. "Ranger!I understand you are considered a hero of sorts. A prince among...men. And a mercenary."
''Huh? What?'' What did a 7 year old know about black ops mercenaries?
''Well a hero anyway. Oh don't argue, I read about you in The Times Online."
"But...''
She waved the wand at me. "You know what the faerie queen does to the prince, right?"
"No."
''She turns him into a Toad!'' Maniacal laughter. "Boo!"
Tank and I each took an involuntary step back.
Izzy bent over laughing her ass off. I frowned. Brat. Then, ''Daddy! Lookit!''
Zoë suddenly reappeared, now dressed in her costume. This year she was a ladybug. She had a short red polka dot dress and black leggings, black wings and big black tennis balls on stalks bobbling around her head. Her antennae, I guess.
I smiled. She looked adorable.
"And, daddy! Lookit! Killy says you are his hero!'' (snickers from the evil Woodland Faerie Queen and the Butterfly.) ''And he so wanted to be YOU for Halloween. So...Tah daaaah!"
She stepped aside and Killer the Pug waddled sadly into view. Dressed as Batman.
Can this day get any worse?
Thinking fast, I faked a cell phone call, said, ''I gotta go. Be good, baby. Happy Birthday, Izzy."
To Jilly I said, "We'll be back tomorrow night. Oh. If anything happens, call the police and hide in your closet."
Epilog:
''Wait. ''
I turned and smiled at the birthday girl. ''Yes?''
''You asked...or thought? - - Can this day get any worse?''
''I...''
''Oh don't fib, Ranger. Hear this, my answer to your mind's worries: Indeed. This day, and all your days could. Get. Much. Much. Worse.''
the real end/ series tbc
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