A/N: I want to thank you for your kind reviews. They mean a lot to me. I know that it's been a while since I updated this story, so here's a longer chapter. As many of you are enjoying the interactions between Sharon, Rusty and Lilly, I wrote a chapter that includes a lot of these interactions (mostly Sharon and Lilly, though). In this chapter, there is also a little progress in the investigation.
Trigger Warning: This chapter contains descriptions of substance abuse, mental abuse, brainwashing and suicidal thoughts. If you are triggered by this kind of material, please avoid reading this chapter.
Lilly tugged at the red ribbon with the ends of her fingers; at the same time, she tried to hold the gift with her right hand, which was still bandaged after her last surgery. Sharon looked at her and an uneasy feeling settled in her stomach. She wanted to offer the girl help, or at least suggest that she tear the wrapping paper rather than trying to untie the ribbon and pick off the clear tape, but Lilly seemed to be determined to do it all herself without any help.
Sharon received permission to take Lilly home for Christmas and while the girl seemed happy to be out of the hospital, Sharon could already foresee the challenges that were going to arise should she decide to take her in permanently. Firstly, Lilly was a drug addict, and a former hooker – two things that had a great potential to harm Rusty, considering his own past. And dealing with one child who's worked as a street treat was hard enough. Dealing with two would probably be even harder. Secondly, Lilly was incapable of moving her arm and would need some more surgeries, medication, physiotherapy and who knows what else. This would require serious schedule adjustments on her part as well as Rusty's part. Thirdly, Lilly has been out of school for a longer time than Rusty was, and this was going to pose serious issues.
"Honey, I know you want to do this on your own, but maybe you should let me help you," she said to the girl, as she noticed the gift slipping out of her hand and to the floor. Before Sharon could bend down and pick the gift up, Lilly threw herself to the floor, crawling towards the gift and looking more like a baby seal trying to walk than a fourteen old girl trying to open her Christmas gift. Rusty, who noticed Sharon's concerned gaze, leaned down by Lilly's side and wrapped his arms around her shoulders, gently pulling her backwards.
"You should listen to Sharon, Lilly," he said and placed the gift in her lap. "Here, give me your good hand." He took her hand and wrapped his fingers around hers, holding the gift in her lap with his other hand. "If you slide your finger under the bow, and pull it up, it will be easier to untie it," he instructed her.
Lilly did as Rusty said and the bow finally came off, followed by the wrapping paper. She opened the box hesitantly and peeked inside. Both Sharon and Rusty watched as Lilly took her gift out of the box.
"Thank you, Sharon, Rusty…" Lilly seemed to be on the verge of tears when she pulled out a pair of dark green Uggs slippers. She sloppily wrapped her healthy arm around Sharon's neck and then moved on to Rusty, who seemed a little embarrassed.
"It's no trouble," Sharon smiled at her. "Try them on; make sure they're the right size." Rusty placed the slippers down in front of Lilly and she stepped into them, placing her hand on his shoulders to support herself.
"They're perfect; Thank you so much, I can't…" her voice shook and Sharon wrapped her arms around her.
"It's okay, honey," she said softly. Rusty smiled at Sharon, and she placed her arm on his shoulder, gently squeezing it.
A sob escaped from between Lilly's lips and Sharon tightened her arm around the girl. Another sob followed and then another one. Rusty looked at Sharon helplessly.
"Just give us a moment," Sharon whispered and Rusty nodded slowly and went to his room, to busy himself. "Lilly," Sharon uttered her name softly. The girl gave a muffled hum. "It's just boots; we can exchange the color if you don't like it." Sharon knew very well that the Uggs were not the problem or the cause of Lilly's tears, but she wanted to let Lilly explain the reason for her tears rather than asking her about it directly. Another sob came from Lilly.
"It's not the boots," she mumbled into Sharon's shoulder.
"Are you in pain, honey?" She tried again, hoping that Lilly would offer her an explanation this time.
"I… I… never…" Lilly started. "No one…" she took a deep breath. Sharon's hand landed on the crown of Lilly's head, gently caressing the girl's dark hair. "…gifts."
"You're not used to receiving gifts?" Sharon guessed.
"Yeah," Lilly wept.
"Does it make you uncomfortable?" Sharon inquired. She remembered Rusty's first Christmas with her. He did not cry, but he was shy when he opened his gift and wanted to pay her for it.
"A little," Lilly's face was still buried in Sharon's shoulder.
"I'm sorry, honey. Rusty and I didn't mean to make you feel this way," Sharon said quietly, her hand still caressing Lilly's hair. The girl hiccupped and Sharon gently pulled away from her and cupped her face, wiping Lilly's tears with the ends of her fingers.
"I just…" Lilly struggled for words again. "Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why are you so nice to me? Is this because you want me to help you with your police work?"
"Well, we do need your help to find and hopefully put a murderer away, but that's not why," Sharon replied. "I think that people mistreated you and your life was not easy, up until now. But you are young and things can be better for you. There are good people in this world, people you can trust; and I want you to know that you can trust me, and Rusty and anyone else from my division."
"But you still want me to talk about… that person and what he did to me." Sharon felt the hair on the back of her neck standing. Lilly has not specifically mentioned the suspect doing anything to her before. She only mentioned him preaching to her about the importance of her being sober and her place in heaven or hell.
"Yes," Sharon nodded slowly.
"He said I need to repent for my sins to become pure again," Lilly said. "He said if I suffered, all the bad things I've done will be erased and I will be free." She looked at her nails and then at Sharon again. "And he told me to take my shirt off," her voice trailed off as tears filled her eyes. "And then he took this black marker pen and drew an X on my shoulder; he said that he was saving me," she looked away again. "I need a smoke; I know I'm not supposed to, but can you please let me smoke?" Sharon looked at the child and knew that she could use a cigarette as well. A cigarette may not be healthy for Lilly or herself, but she knew it could relieve some of the stress they both felt. And on the other hand, dealing with their emotions by using an addictive chemical substance was not the best way to go for either of them. And Lilly was a child, after all.
"No, you cannot smoke, especially not when you're taking medication," She said eventually. "I know this is hard to talk about what happened, but we don't smoke in this house."
"Sometimes I feel like I don't wanna grow up," Lilly stared at nothing in particular as the words came out of her mouth.
"What do you mean, Lilly?" Sharon wondered. If she thought Rusty was a complicated person to deal with, then Lilly was ten times as complicated.
"I think he wanted to kill me, like he did to the other girls, but I didn't die," Lilly explained, "Why didn't I die, Sharon?"
"Well, we got to you on time and were able to save you," Sharon replied softly.
"It's not fair," Lilly said.
"What's not fair?" Sharon asked, knowing she might be getting close to a dangerous territory with the girl.
"I've done so many bad things, I was a bad person and I was supposed to become pure if I died. He said it would only hurt for a short time and then everything will be okay, but nothing is okay! I did not die and it still hurts so much and I don't want this anymore." Tears were rolling down Lilly's face and Sharon wrapped her arms around her again.
"I know you are in pain, darling. I know your body hurts and you're feeling like things are not getting better for you," Sharon felt the tears welling in her own eyes. "But you are going to be better. I promise that whatever I can do to help you, I will do."
Lilly was sitting in the bathtub, her head buried between her knees as Sharon gently washed her back, trying hard not to hurt the girl's shoulder. She has offered Lilly to hire a nurse who will help her at the shower, but the child refused, saying that she wanted Sharon to do it. It was a little embarrassing for the both of them on the first time, even though Sharon has seen Lilly naked in the hospital, but they soon got over the awkwardness. The knowledge that Lilly trusted her to help her shower, made Sharon pull herself together. And after Lilly's earlier emotional outburst, she wanted to make sure that the child had no means of harming herself. Once the holiday is over, she will speak to DCFS and try to arrange for Lilly to receive some much needed emotional support.
"Ow," Lilly moaned as Sharon gently patted her bruised shoulder with a washcloth.
"I'm sorry," Sharon said and moved the washcloth from Lilly's shoulder to the back of her neck. "Okay, you can take it from here, honey," she said and handed Lilly the washcloth and poured some washing gel into the palm of Lilly's healthy hand. The girl needed to learn how to use her healthy hand, because the recovery time for the other hand was expected to be long and even then the hand will not be fully functional. The quicker Lilly learned to deal with her disability, the easier it would be in the long run.
"Can we watch a movie tonight?" Lilly asked as she finished washing herself and stretched her hand out so Sharon could help her out.
"Well, I thought about something else, actually," Sharon said as she helped the girl step out of the bathtub. She wrapped a big towel around the girl's body and instructed her to sit on the closed lid of the toilet seat. Taking another towel, she dried Lilly's stitched shoulder and pulled an anti-bacterial ointment and sterile gauze from one of the drawers. The head nurse showed her how to take care of Lilly's shoulder before she took her home and how to bandage it. It looked easier when the nurse did it, but Sharon was a quick learner.
"What did you think about?" Lilly asked.
"Well, I know you like watching TV, but I think today you need something different. I have a great way to help you relax," Sharon said. "But let's get you dressed first," She helped Lilly dry off and dress up in a cozy flannel pajama. Then she brushed the girl's long hair. "You have split ends, honey. I think after the holiday, I'll take you to the hairdresser to get your hair cut, what do you think?"
"I guess," Lilly said, "As long as he doesn't cut it too short." Sharon smiled and nodded. She wasn't sure how long Lilly will stay with her, but even if it was a short stay, she planned on helping Lilly look and feel like a normal teenage girl. She would eventually have to go to school again, and when she does, it will probably be a little easier if she looked like the other girls. She quickly braided Lilly's hair.
"What color do you want the elastic to be?" she asked and Lilly grabbed the package of colorful hair elastics and took a dark green elastic out.
"You like green, don't you?" Sharon asked. It was the third night she braided Lilly's hair and the third time she picked the green elastic.
"It calms me down," Lilly said.
Sharon tucked the duvet around Lilly's body and smiled at her affectionately. They were sharing a bed, because Lilly's shoulder hurt too much for her to sleep on the couch and Sharon did not want to rob Rusty of his room. She sat on the bed next to Lilly and handed her a pair of earphones. Lilly gave her an uncertain gaze.
"Put them in your ears, honey," Sharon said and Lilly did. "Remember I said earlier that I have a great idea?"
"Yeah," Lilly said, still unsure what Sharon wanted.
"Well, there's a kind of music that helps you relax. They use it in yoga sessions and sometimes in spa," Sharon explained. "It's called meditation music, or relaxation music."
"Okay," Lilly said. "So I need to listen to this music?"
"You don't have to, but it might help you fall asleep," Sharon said. The previous night, Lilly tossed and turned in bed all night long and kicked Sharon several times as she did so. Eventually, Sharon turned the TV on and put some National Geographic film about dolphins until the girl was able to fall asleep. Lilly gave her a one-shouldered shrug and reclined against her pillow. "Now, close your eyes and when you hear the music, just try not to think of anything," Sharon said as connected the earphones to her iPhone and turned the music on.
She dimmed the lights in her room and watched Lilly as she listened to the music. For the first few minutes, the girl's face twitched and she moved uncomfortable, trying to find a comfortable spot. Then, Sharon noticed the way Lilly's expression changed, becoming calmer. She noticed the way Lilly's breaths became shallower and how her body sank into the mattress. The girl was asleep within less than 10 minutes and Sharon smiled to herself triumphantly. Crawling into bed next to Lilly, she closed her eyes and let herself relax. It was an emotional day and she wished she could call someone and talk about it, but the only person she could think of was Andy Flynn and calling him right now was too uncomfortable. With the thought of him in her mind, she fell asleep, hoping that things could have been different.