Chapter Forty-three: Any Other Way
There was a soft knock on the door, distracting him from the book in his hands. He didn't mind the interruption since he'd been staring at the same page for the last hour and a half, the words a blurry black mess. After the initial confrontation with Delko in the kitchen earlier that morning he kept to the bedroom, stuck in bed like the doctor ordered. Things were once again on rocky ground between him and his once best friend. Why did Delko have to keep pushing for something more than friendship when he wasn't standing on solid ground? So much shit had been going on in his life as of late that sometimes he couldn't tell up from down or left from right. The last thing he wanted to worry about was a relationship and the added drama that came along with it. And to be perfectly honest, he still wasn't too sure about how he felt for Delko.
He heard the soft knock again, followed by Horatio's voice. "Speed?"
"Yeah, H?" He'd gotten so lost in his thoughts that he'd forgotten about having a visitor.
Horatio opened the bedroom door and walked in, Mite following behind him. The dog sure had taken to the leader of the crime lab but that didn't really surprise Speed, what was there to hate about someone like Horatio? "How are you feeling?"
"Kind of like I got run over by a truck," Speed replied. He closed the book and set it aside on the bed.
"No change in the pain?"
"It hasn't gotten any worse," he said, hoping that maybe they could change the subject. He hated to be reminded of how fragile he was, how fragile they all were. "How are things going on the case? Are we any closer to getting Hagen and Jesup back?"
Horatio settled on the foot of the bed. "Unfortunately, no."
He felt a sudden stab of pain in his chest where the bullet had pierced him. On reflex he placed his hand over the area like it contained the magical powers needed to get rid of the pain. "What…" He winced but quickly covered it up. "Do you think we'll find them in time?"
The wince of pain wasn't lost on Horatio and though he was worried he chose to keep quiet. He knew that having someone ask about your well-being every hour could get tedious and annoying. Sometimes the mind needed a distraction. And Speed would talk when he was ready. Horatio massaged the back of his neck, trying to choose his next words carefully. What was he supposed to do, lie about the situation or tell Speed the truth? His friend understood the ins and outs of crimes so the truth would be okay. But in his current state would it be a wise choice to talk about the probability of Hagen and Jesup getting back where they belonged?
"You'd better not be thinking of lying to me," Speed suddenly said to break the silence.
When Horatio looked at him there was a sadness in his eyes. "Speed….Tim, you know the statistics as well as I do when it comes to victims of kidnap."
"They're usually dead in the first two hours. But I spoke with Jesup. He wasn't dead. Neither was Hagen."
"True," Horatio slowly nodded his head, his voice taking on the tone of a father trying to explain to a child why something bad had happened. "But it's been days, Speed. From what you told me Hagen was barely hanging on and now…with all the time that has passed I'm finding it less and less likely that they will be returned to us alive. Then again," he was quick to add when he noticed the dark cloud pass over Speed's features, "the militia group took them to make a statement. Maybe they've kept them alive all this time. Maybe they have a specific use for them in mind."
Silence quickly settled over the room as Speed retreated inside of himself to escape the pain and the guilt of leaving behind his colleagues. He should have stayed with them to make sure that they all got out alive. When he left, kicked out that hole, he had not been thinking of the consequences. He focused solely on bringing help but in the end he was the one that ended up getting the help. Now Jesup and Hagen were long gone, traces of them left at the warehouse, their whereabouts unknown. Perhaps if he had stayed behind things would have worked out better. There would have been three people to spread the beatings over instead of focusing on just the two, one of whom looked close to death. Frustrated, mad at himself for being so stupid and selfish he climbed off the bed. He could feel the anger boiling inside of him, anger at himself, loathing for what he'd done. He made the wrong choice and now two officers were pretty much dead because of him. He hated to think of the pain their families were going to go through because of his error. How could he have been so stupid?
"Speed…" Horatio hadn't been expecting his injured friend to get out of bed, especially after seeing the pain in his eyes. He watched as the injured investigator headed toward the door in a fast but painful walk. Then he watched as Speed trembled, falling to his knees in the bedroom doorway. "Speed."
He was up off the bed and at Speed's side in the blink of an eye. When he fell to the carpet beside him he saw the tears coursing down Speed's cheeks. Without saying anything he drew him close. Everybody at work was worried about Speed but no one worried more than he did. Since the shooting so much had changed for his younger friend, so much about him had changed. Where was the guy that used to joke around with Delko? The investigator that never missed a clue or piece of evidence? Where was the young man that went out at night after shift to live his life? So many things had changed and he worried about the psychological effect that it was all having on Speed.
"Why couldn't things have ended differently?" Speed said. "Why did I stupidly leave them behind? I should have stayed."
"You got out, Tim. You did what you thought was right," said Horatio. "And if in the end you are the only one to come out alive, then so be it. At least one of you will have made it through."
"It should be me. I should be the one lying cuffed on some floor waiting for death to take me away…"
"Stop that, Timothy." It hurt Horatio to hear him saying such things.
"They don't deserve to die."
"Neither do you."
"Why?" he asked forcefully, pushing himself away from Horatio. He struggled to his feet, using the doorframe to help himself up. "What the fuck makes me so special? Why should I be given so many chances at life, huh?"
Horatio had no answer.
"Here I am, living it up, safe in the clutches of FBI agents as they keep an eye on your house," he continued. "I should be out in the everglades listening to screams, the smell of blood filling my senses. I should be fighting to stay awake, to stay alive."
"Tim…"
"They're going to die because of me. I left them, Horatio. I just left them there without even thinking about what would happen afterward. I killed them!"
"Stop, Speed. Do you have any idea what it's like to hear you say those things? Count yourself damn lucky that Calleigh isn't here to hear you. It would break her heart. And what about Delko? I guess it's a good thing that I sent him to the lab. Hearing you talk like this, it would tear him up inside. You know how he feels about you, Speed."
The light of anger faded from Speed's eyes, the self-hatred boiling down for the time being. He sagged against the doorframe. In a weaker voice Horatio heard him say, "He kissed me today."
"Did he?"
"I turned him away. I turned him away because I don't want to break his heart…"
"Speed…"
Without saying anything he trudged back into the bedroom and settled back on the bed, his arms wrapped protectively around his chest. Horatio thought about following him, talking things out but there had been enough anger and self loathing tonight. So he decided it would be best to leave Speed alone for a while, let him sort through his thoughts. But as he returned to the kitchen to start dinner he couldn't help but worry about his friend's wellbeing. Would he ever fully recover from the traumatic events haunting him or would they be his undoing in the end?