This one's a little late - life got in the way. I'm not sure how satisfied I am with this chapter - it has some parts that I'm really happy with, and a few where I'm on the fence. I know I'm a perfectionist, however, and honestly I could work on chapters for ever and still not be 100% satisfied. Regardless, I hope you like the chapter.
Trigger warning: this chapter starts with a panic attack.
It had been eight days since her last shower. And every day she postponed taking one, she was only delaying the inevitable. She'd been watching Carlisle's eyes grow darker and darker, felt his hands tremble with restraint when he was touching her despite his frequent hunts, had been torturing him with her refusal of taking one.
Of course, he had been nothing but a gentleman about the ordeal, promising her it was okay, telling her it was normal to feel nervous about doing something that would no doubt be an incredibly tiring and painful ordeal. When he told her most patients felt "human again" - something Bella thought was absolutely hilarious considering Carlisle's status as a non-human - after their first shower post-hospital, his tone was sweet and gentle, void of pushiness or blame.
She also just felt really fucking icky.
It was time.
So she sat on the edge of her bed, waiting for the now-familiar knock on her bedroom door to announce Carlisle's arrival, trying to find a non-awkward way to say hey let's go take a shower together in a non-sexy way.
Carlisle knocked on her bedroom door politely.
"Come in."
The door opened, revealing Carlisle with a fresh mug of coffee in his hands. "Good morning, sweetheart."
His words sent a little shiver of excitement through her body. Despite his near-constant presence in her house the past week, she still wasn't used to the easy, casual way he dropped pet names for her. "Good morning." She never knew what to say back. And if I start now, it's awkward too. I should've given him a pet name immediately too.
"You're up early." He sat down next to her, placing a stabilising arm around her and handing her the coffee.
"Couldn't sleep anymore." It would be better if you slept in here, with me. But every time she thought about inviting him into her bedroom, she chickened out again - even though he'd been bending her over just about every other surface in her home, fucking her into nirvana every time.
"Because of the pain?" He nosed the side of her neck, pressing a light kiss against her collarbone.
"No, I just…" She swallowed. "I don't know."
"Mhm?" It was the kind of hum that meant elaborate.
"It's, um…" She leaned into his touch, keeping the coffee mug stable on her good knee. "Um… I don't know. I guess I… uh."
"Mhm?" he hummed again, stopping the oral onslaught of her skin and instead electing to just hold her close to him.
"I should shower." She half-choked on the words, feeling her tongue tie itself on nothing but air and her stomach churn as if she was going to vomit.
"Hmm-mm, that's not a bad idea," he agreed neutrally.
"Will you… help?" It sounded stupid, the sound of her own voice made her feel dumb. "In a practical, non-sexy way?" Her voice was nothing but a whisper at the end of her sentence.
"Of course." He said it as if it was only natural that he would, as if it was the most logical thing in the world that he would.
They were both silent for a while. Outside, the birds chattered.
"Bella?" Now Carlisle was the one that sounded insecure.
"Yeah?" His tone made her stomach flip again. He's going to tell me this has been nice, but he's gotta move on, play sexy doctor for a new patient.
"You don't have to answer this question if you don't want to, but… Why do you always… make yourself so small when you ask anything of me?" He created a little distance between them so he could look at her. "You know I'll - within what's reasonable - do whatever you ask of me, right?"
Bella fought the urge to look away, feeling desperate, hot tears gather in her tear ducts. "I don't - I can't, I…" She blinked rapidly to clear her eyes, then rubbed at them with her good hand, sighing in frustration and dejectedness. "No one has ever… I always think you'll say no." That you'll turn me down and jeer like Ian did.
Cold fingers carefully took the coffee mug from her, placing it on the nightstand. He kissed her forehead, gentle and kind. "Even when I need to say no, if it ever happens, I will explain why I am physically unable to provide for you. And I sincerely doubt that will ever happen. Your requests are always so reasonable."
His words made Bella's tears rush to the surface, falling over her cheeks hot and wet. For the first few seconds, she wasn't even aware that she was crying. Then, her breath hitched and she drew in a loud, sobby breath. She drew away from him, curling in on herself, pulling her shoulders up and bringing her chin down to her chest, covering her face with her hand as much as she could, cowering away from him even though it wasn't Carlisle that she was afraid of.
"Bella?" Carlisle's tone was filled with compassion, concern and confusion.
"Please don't hurt me," she cried, kicking down with her good leg to create distance between them.
Carlisle immediately stood up, stepping away from the bed a good five steps, holding his hands up in the universal I mean no harm gesture. "I won't hurt you. I don't want to hurt you."
Her shoulder and thigh throbbed in empathic pain as she kept herself as small as possible, protecting all her vulnerable spots. The tears dried up, yet she couldn't catch her breath, drawing in increasingly deep breaths that didn't seem to fill her lungs adequately. Her face started to tingle.
"Bella." Carlisle's voice was firm, not angry, just loud enough to catch her attention. "Bella, please, look at me."
She tried to uncurl herself to establish eye contact, but only managed a furtive glance.
"Good, that's good," he said, his tone a mixture of pity, sympathy and sadness. "Listen to me, okay?"
She nodded, unable to regulate her breathing still.
"We're going to breathe together, okay? Listen to me, we're breathing in for three seconds, holding for three, then out the same, okay?" he said, pleading. "Here we go." He drew in a loud, almost dramatic breath, indicating the seconds with his fingers, then breathed out with the same loudness, so that she did not even need to look at him to be able to follow his example.
It took her a few tries, but then she managed to pick up on the breathing exercise. Her head was spinning, the world was spinning, she couldn't feel her face and could barely fill her lungs enough to breathe along.
Carlisle had endless patience, however, and continued the exercise until her breathing returned to somewhat normal. "That's good, that's good, Bella," he encouraged. "We're going to try to breathe a little deeper, okay? In for seven, hold for three, out for seven." Even though she wasn't looking at him, he still used his fingers to indicate the remaining time.
Following along, Bella felt her tired muscles relax slowly. She started to uncurl herself, feeling extremely embarrassed and if she'd had the energy for it, she would have been on the verge of a second panic attack. Tears started to flow again, this time out of shame.
Carlisle waited a few seconds, assessing her body language before gingerly asking, "can I come closer?"
She nodded.
He took a slow step forward, keeping his eyes on her.
"It's okay," she sniffled, mortified at her own behaviour. It's been so long since I had one of these. With Ian, after her first missteps, she'd almost always known where she was standing. With Carlisle, most of the time, she had no idea.
He stepped even closer, kneeling by the bed and keeping an arm's length distance. "What can I do for you?" he implored, his tone soft, low, and careful.
"Hold me?" she managed between sniffles and half-sobs.
"Of course, my angel." He crept even closer, keeping a close eye on her while he moved, trying to make sure he didn't trigger her again.
When it seemed safe, he crawled onto the bed, close to her.
She anxiously pressed herself into his arms, only feeling her painfully tight muscles relax when his cool arms encircled her.
"It's okay," he mumbled, "it's okay, angel, I will keep you from harm, including my own."
"Thank you," she snivelled, curling herself into him. "I'm so sorry."
"There's nothing to be sorry for, Bella," he mumbled, pressing his lips against her temple in a soothing gesture. "These things happen."
"Do they?" Her voice was small.
"They do," he said confidently. "It's a trauma response, and there's nothing you can do about them. They just happen sometimes, when you've been through a lot."
The way he spoke about it, as just something that just happened sometimes, as a normal thing, completely unfazed, made her feel less ashamed of her behaviour.
"I guess I…" She wasn't sure what she wanted to say.
"It's okay, we don't have to talk about it."
"Okay."
"Okay," he echoed quietly.
She shifted a little in his arms, pressed herself closer to his cool body.
He cradled her without complaint, holding her exactly as close as she wanted to.
After a few minutes, his hands started to move; fingers gently caressing her side before coming up to her shoulder, gently circling the vulnerable joint before flattening his palm over her injured collarbone.
Bella closed her eyes, feeling an insistent calmth waiting for her at an arm's length distance, close yet somehow impossible to reach, and tried to relax into it. She felt Carlise's lips kiss her temple again, and it made her lean her head to the side, granting him access to her neck if he wanted it.
He didn't. Instead, he pressed his nose against her hair, breathing in her scent deeply. It was still sharp with fear, and he hummed his dissatisfaction.
"What?" she asked, recognising the tone with her heart more than her ears. It made her nervous.
"Nothing," he said, before correcting, "I mean… I don't want to sound strange, but you smell.."
"I need a fucking shower, I know," she interrupted, not even considering that her scent might be tainted with fear. "I just need a few more minutes… here… with you. If that's okay."
"Of course it is, angel," he promised. "Anything you want."
"You just feel so good," she all but whispered, lightly flexing her shoulders against his careful hands. "You make me feel safe." You make me feel whole.
"I feel privileged," he whispered back, his tone almost reverent, "that I'm allowed to hold you."
Tears sprung to Bella's eyes, but she forced them back angrily. I'm not fucking crying just because someone wants to hold me.
"Are you okay?" Carlisle asked, tipping his head back to look at her face.
"Better now," she nodded lightly, trying to smile for him. It turned into a grimace instead.
"I…" He hesitated, but this was not the moment to ask more of her. "I'm glad to hear it, sweetheart."
"Okay," she sighed, pulling up her shoulders and stretching out her legs. It made Carlisle break his grip on her, though she could still feel his cautious eyes on her. "Time to shower."
Swinging her legs and kicking down with her good leg, she managed to sit up at the edge of the bed. It was maybe ten steps to the shower. I can do this.
"Do you have a metal or plastic stool somewhere?" Carlisle asked, already making his way to the bathroom to assess what would be the path of least resistance.
"Underneath the sink." With slow, careful movements, she got up from the bed and followed him to the bathroom. When she arrived, he'd already placed the stool underneath the showerhead. He busied himself with turning on the water and deciding the ideal temperature.
The domesticity of it all made her want to smile and cry at the same time. How did I find him? And how can I keep him?
"Madame," Carlisle gestured towards the stool, "take a seat."
"I feel spoiled already," she said with a chuckle as she stepped towards him. Carefully, she sat down on the stool, stretching her sore leg out. The water was a perfect temperature and she relaxed a little more, closing her eyes.
"I'm going to wash your hair," Carlisle said from behind her in a soft voice.
She hummed her reply and leaned back against him. His touches were gentle, careful, and his fingers cool on her scalp. It made her relax even more, and she started to lean against him more heavily. He made no comment on it, just widened his stance a little to accommodate her weight a little better.
Mentally, she tuned out of everything, letting his care and warmth wash over her. He was ever so careful with her, announcing everything he was going to before he did anything. It was easy for her to go with the flow he'd created, and before she knew it, he turned the shower off again, wrapping her in a big towel.
"Thank you," she murmured, blinking to bring herself back to the conscious world.
"Of course, dear."
It was a sunny day, and Carlisle insisted that she catch some sunshine. "I don't care if you just sit in the door opening, you need some sunlight. Vitamin D is important," he said in a no-nonsense, I-am-the-doctor-here kind of tone.
"What about you?" She couldn't help but tease him.
"I'm going to make you some breakfast," he began before lowering his tone a little hesitantly, "and, if you're okay with it, do the laundry and clean around the house a little."
An excellent excuse for him to stay inside. "Are you saying my house is gross?" It was a joke, a little jab. Her tone held no malice.
"I'm saying you're in no condition to do any household chores, and I'm currently still available to do them for you." He disappeared into the kitchen and came out with a chair. "Just sit in the sunshine for a bit, okay?"
"Fine…" She walked to the front door, opened it, and took the chair from him, setting it in the door opening and sinking down on it demonstratively. "Happy?"
"Very, sweetheart." He stepped up behind her, staying just outside of the sunlight. Bella could feel the cold radiate out from his body.
"Do I have your permission to tackle the laundry and some other chores?" he asked again.
She rolled her head back to look at him and smiled. Even though they'd only been together for a short while, she had already developed a loopy, happy smile that was just for him. "I'd be grateful if you would. Thank you, Carlisle."
"Hmm-mm," he hummed, bending down to press a light kiss to her lips. "I'll be back in a sec with coffee and breakfast."
Before she could reply, he stepped away from her, leaving her alone in the one beam of sunlight that had chosen to grace her house with its presence this morning.
The sunlight warmed her skin pleasantly, and she closed her eyes, basking in it. It was the midway point of the morning, with the working people in her street long gone to their jobs, and the rich bastards that could afford it still in bed and sleeping in. Birdsong filled her ears. The wind blew a gentle breeze - the leaves of trees and bushes rustled quietly. For a few serene minutes, the world was perfect.
"Your coffee, my love." Carlisle appeared behind her, handing her a mug of coffee.
"Thank you." She accepted the coffee, balancing the mug on her good knee and closed her eyes again.
"Breakfast will be ready in about fifteen minutes." Carlisle caressed her cheek with his cold fingers, only to let his hand make a path down to her injured shoulder, cautiously placing his hand over the wound. His touch was featherlight, and painless.
Something in her wanted to profess her undying love for him. Don't be a fucking moron. You've known each other for maybe two months, and just because he's been in your house for a week doesn't mean he's the one. Fucking isn't love. Squashing down any desire to confess, she instead murmured, "you always feel so good."
"So do you." He let his hand slip from her shoulder. "I'm going to check on breakfast."
She hummed her reply, opening her eyes again and taking in the tranquil neighbourhood.
Across the street, three houses down, the front door opened. Lauren stepped outside, lifting a hand to wave at Bella.
That marks the end of my peace and quiet. Bella hesitantly waved back. She wasn't sure how to feel about Lauren anymore. Their open and mutual animosity had been safe, comfortable, in a way. She'd always known what she could expect from Lauren, and had been able to anticipate her moves. Now, she wasn't so sure what to think of Lauren anymore. The other woman had saved her life, not to mention the fact that she'd kept vigil over Bella when she'd been comatose in the hospital. Things she'd never expected Lauren to do for anyone, let alone for her, considering their strained relationship.
She didn't have much time to think about it, because Lauren was coming her way with large, determined strides.
"Morning, Bella."
"Hi, Lauren." Bella kept her tone artificially friendly, trying to assess the situation.
"I was wondering when you'd finally stop being holed up inside that house." Lauren's tone wasn't friendly, but it wasn't overtly hostile either.
"Yeah, well… Sunshine." Bella shrugged, as if it was obvious she'd come outside for some precious rays of sunlight.
Lauren stepped closer, leaning against the doorpost. She lowered her tone. "How are you?"
If there was any concern in her tone, Bella couldn't find it. "I'm okay. Healing."
"Someone taking care of you?" Lauren asked it as if she wasn't fully aware that the handsome doctor had been taking her of her - she'd seen him around the house and his car in the driveway.
Bella snorted. "Yeah, I got someone. Why, are you offering to take up the job?"
"Fuck you," Lauren said, but her tone wasn't hostile anymore. "I saved your life, don't expect me to do more for you."
"Thanks."
"I'm sorry?" Lauren raised her eyebrows. "Did you just thank me? Are you sure you don't have brain damage?"
"You're one to talk," Bella retorted, "fucking two of them."
Lauren laughed, no embarrassment or chagrin in her voice. "You're one to talk."
It made Bella huff out a laugh. "Yeah, yeah…"
"I told you, nothing beats vampire dick." It came out triumphantly, yet almost serious in tone.
Bella couldn't hold back a laugh. "You have such a way with words."
"So how is he?" Lauren asked with unhidden, open curiosity.
Blood crept up - Bella felt her cheeks burn. "He's amazing." It wasn't in her nature to give any details about her sex life - especially not to Lauren - but there wasn't anyone else she could talk to about this. Fucking a vampire was a pretty unique situation to be in. "He's very generous. And careful with me. I think Ian bruised me more."
"Ian has set the bar at the fucking Mariana Trench," Lauren snorted, but Bella could still read the concern in her tone. "I'm happy he's out of your life."
Since when is Lauren capable of feeling concern and care towards other people? Bella didn't know what to say.
"Anyway, when are you coming back to work? Paperwork is piling up."
"There's nothing wrong with your hands, you do the paperwork. I'm on sick leave."
"You're not on sick leave, you're on I'm-letting-a-vampire-fuck-me-silly leave."
"Oh my god, Lauren!" Bella exclaimed, half-amused, half-embarrassed. "They had to reconstruct my entire fucking collar bone. I am on sick leave."
"If you're well enough to fuck, you're well enough to do paperwork," Lauren pushed. "I'll bring over whatever you need. I doubt you're welcome in our house when you're still injured." She scrunched up her nose, adding, "I don't know what James finds so alluring about your blood, but he's even more obsessed than before. Sick fuck."
"You're the one fucking the sick fuck," Bella reminded her.
"Oh yeah," Lauren half-crooned, half-moaned. "He does this-"
"Oh my god, please shut up, I don't want to know."
Lauren laughed.
"Hello."
Bella's heart jumped when she heard Carlisle's voice behind her, both because he always made her heart skip a beat and because she'd forgotten he was within hearing distance.
Lauren bit her bottom lip, taking Carlisle in the way she would look at James when she was horny. "Hello." Her voice was seductive.
"Can I offer you some coffee, Miss..?"
"Call me Lauren," she said, changing her stance into one that popped her hip and chest a little more. She wiped the hair out of her neck, revealing her skin to him as if she was inviting him to take a bite.
Carlisle was completely unfazed - or at least appeared to be - and uninterested. "Do you take anything in your coffee?"
"Three sugar cubes, please," Lauren all but purred.
Carlisle ignored it, gently touching Bella's shoulder. "Can I get you a top up, sweetheart?"
"Yeah thanks." Bella turned her head a little to invite him to kiss her, and smiled when he eagerly bent down to press his lips against hers. It was a chaste, quick kiss, but it made her feel fluttery and happy regardless.
He pulled back with her coffee mug now in his own hands and disappeared back into the kitchen.
"You've got him wrapped around your fingers," Lauren whispered - as if a whisper would prevent Carlisle from hearing.
"He me, too," Bella admitted with a bright blush.
"James is going to be livid."
"James can go fuck himself." Bella wasn't afraid of him anymore. If she could survive being thrown around by Beark, she was sure she could survive whatever James would throw at her.
"Hm-mm, no worries, I got that covered."
Carlisle returned with their coffees strategically during a moment of silence. He stayed behind Bella, forcing Lauren to step into the shade to take her coffee from him. "Thank you." She batted her eyelashes at him.
Again, Carlisle was unfazed and completely focussed on Bella. "I couldn't help but overhear - work?" he asked.
"Oh yeah, work is piling up." Lauren jumped at the opportunity to push Bella back into working. "We really need Bella back as soon as possible."
"I don't think she's ready for that yet. I'd be happy to provide a doctor's note." His tone was smooth, warm and convincing.
"Well…" Lauren frowned, "I'm not sure if a note… would be appropriate here."
"I'd be happy to talk to your manager." Carlisle looked down at Bella.
Bella cleared her throat. "I don't think that'll be necessary. Why don't you tell James I'd be happy to attend any meetings through conference calls starting next week. I'll be in the loop and it'll be easier to start working as soon as the doctor gives the okay." She really didn't want Carlisle to meet James - it was a recipe for disaster on both ends.
"I'll make sure to let him know." Lauren downed her coffee and gave her mug back to Carlisle. "We'll expect you for the weekly team meeting on Monday."
"Yup." Bella nodded her okay.
"Okay… Bye…' Lauren did one final, hungry once-over of Carlisle before stepping back into the sunlight. Without any further words, she turned and briskly walked back home, where she, Bella had no doubt, would be giving a detailed account of the encounter to James and Victoria.
Inside, the oven dinged.
"Come, breakfast is ready." Carlisle stepped further into the hallway, and Bella quickly joined him.
She sat down at the kitchen table, eyeing him nervously as he darted around the kitchen, getting her another mug of coffee and finally revealing what had been on the oven - breakfast muffins.
He sat down across from her, having plated no food of his own. After all, there was no need to pretend anymore.
She looked at the table, keeping his face in her peripheral vision.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
This was an easy question, one she could effortlessly counter. "You didn't tell me either."
"We're not to reveal ourselves." His tone was a little stiff.
"You could have known I knew," Bella said with a sigh. She didn't want to fight with him - she had no energy left for a heated argument. "You spend an entire week here, how many times have I seen you eat? You won't sleep upstairs with me - hiding that you don't sleep. You always do groceries early in the morning or late at night, avoiding all sunlight. Just how stupid do you think I am?"
"I…"
"Or did you think you were really pulling off the human act successfully?"
"I don't know what to say," he murmured, his voice quiet and his tone low.
"What did you think had happened to me, when you saw me in the hospital?" Bella's brain had flipped the switch to self-destruction mode and a small part of her cringed at the aggression in her tone. "I'm sure you smelled the vampire on me when you patched me up at Charlie's, and I'm sure as fucking hell I reeked of vampire stink when I was brought into the hospital. You thought I was simply unlucky enough to become the victim of a vampire attack? You didn't wonder what was up when you realised I was booked under a false name? Didn't consider a scenario where I knew, when you realised Lauren's a vamp slut?" The bitter words spilled off her lips without her volition, her tone growing increasingly loud and hostile. "Don't you dare trying to tell me you needed to keep your secret. I think it was pretty fucking obvious I knew."
"I don't know what to say," he repeated, looking at her with pity.
Pity was the wrong emotion, and it set her anger - the emotion that masked her need for self-destructive behaviour - on fire. "Don't you think for a second you're the first supernatural in my bed. Or the last."
"Stop it." His tone was controlled, but not aggressive.
"Or what?" she challenged him.
"I'll leave," he said, plain and simple, no lies in his tone.
His words instantly doused her inner fire, and wetness came to her eyes. She blinked hard. "Please don't."
He breathed out slowly, seeking eye contact with her, murmuring an unconvinced, "okay."
Panic started to creep up from her stomach, settling in her throat like a hard lump. "I'm sorry. I can't behave myself." The incessant need to apologise and grovel clamped around her throat like a vice. She had to force herself to breathe.
"It's okay," he said in a soothing tone, reaching out to her and touching her hand. "I'm not angry with you."
"You're not?" She had misbehaved herself. She anticipated suitable punishment - a type of neglect.
"I'm not angry. I'm disappointed."
Disappointed? That was worse. She couldn't breathe.
"In myself," he hurried to say. "You're right. I did not think… did not allow myself to consider you might have already known about… us. I didn't want to realise."
"I'm sorry," she whispered, "I should have… let you know I knew. I hadn't thought about the fact that you couldn't say anything." It was all she could manage with the panic pulling on her like a puppet on strings.
"I'm sorry, too," he murmured, holding her warm hand in his cold one.
"I still want you." The words echoed in her mind, the many times she'd told Ian that - only this time, she meant it genuinely. The thought of not having Carlisle in her life anymore was heart-wrenching. It was ridiculous how attached to him she'd become in such a short time - yet she couldn't bring up the energy to fight her emotions. "Please stay. You make me feel good…" She swallowed around the lump in her throat, adding, "and safe. I feel safe with you."
"I want you too," he said, again with that sincere, plain and simple tone. There was no sexual implication behinds his words. "You make me feel alive in a way I haven't in a long time." His tone was loaded, and Bella could see the delicate muscles in his face quiver, creating a tortured yet vulnerable, open expression.
The lump in her throat dissolved into nothingness, her panic draining away with it. "I'm glad…" she couldn't find the right words to express her feelings, her sentence dying out.
"I'd like to not lie anymore," Carlisle said, pushing through. "Or hide things from you."
Honesty… It was more than she'd had from a partner in a long time. "I'm a very broken person," she warned, her subconscious pushing for self-destruction again.
"You say that as if being an immortal isn't inherently traumatic," he countered, the corners of his mouth pulling up into a faint, tired smile.
"Touche." She managed a small smile too.
"You look tired," he then said, effectively closing the subject.
"I am tired." She grabbed one of the breakfast muffins he'd prepared for her and took a bite, swallowing without tasting anything.
"We can take a nap after breakfast."
Bella looked up, pointing with her good hand in the direction of her bedroom. "Upstairs?" In the bed that had been her marital bed not-too-long ago?
"Upstairs," he confirmed with another weak smile.
"Okay."
"Okay."
Bella rolled over in her bed, peeking at the alarm clock on her nightstand tiredly, groaning in frustration when she realised her body had decided to wake her up at the bright and early time of five a.m. It was hot as hell already. Fuck Seattle summers.
Next to her, Carlisle chuckled quietly. "Come here, darling." He closed his book and tucked it under his pillow before opening his arms for her.
She rolled over again, tucking herself against his cool, naked body.
In reply, he sank down further into the bed, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her close. "Go back to sleep, it's still early."
"Ugh." She buried her head against his chest, slinging her leg over his hip posessively. It still wasn't close enough, so she snaked her arm underneath his, anchoring her hand against his shoulder blade.
"You're very warm," Carlisle murmured, rubbing his cold hand up and down her naked back. Ever the gentleman, he never let his hand stray down too far. He always waited for her to indicate she wanted more and if she didn't make her consent clear, he kept his distance.
"It's too fucking hot," she groaned frustratedly.
"Allow me." He distanced himself the tiniest bit from her, only to give his hands a little more space. "Humans lose most heat through the head - particularly the ears - and feet." His fingers tickled her ear before sinking lower, settling around the back of her neck in a loose chokehold. "This should cool you down a little." Her skin was moist under his hand, and her hair was wet and knotted together against her skull.
It immediately ignited her desire, going straight down to her loins. "God," she moaned, clenching her abdominal muscles and her thighs together - something he would be intimately aware of, considering how closely-pressed together they were.
"Not good?" he asked, almost too innocent to be believable.
She shook her head, mostly to feel his fingers slide over her skin.
"Okay." He pulled his hand away and immediately, she whimpered at the loss.
"Come here, darling." He dipped his head down to press his cool lips against her sweaty forehead. "Tell me what you want… what you need."
Bella shifted against him, feeling her cheeks burn with an embarrassed blush. "Put your hand back."
Without saying anything, he brought his hand back up, tentatively placing it around the back of her neck again. "Like this?"
"Squeeze a little," she whispered, hot and eager for him.
He obediently tightened his grip, squeezing his fingers together lightly. Her skin coloured, first white and then red. She didn't indicate any discomfort, so he squeezed a little harder.
"God," she moaned again, rolling her hips against him restlessly, her frustration at the heat temporarily chased away by her desire for him and his cold body against hers.
He brought his other hand down, gripping her hip and keeping her stable so that he could answer her hip rolls with his own.
"Fuck," Bella breathed, so ready for him. "W-wait." She slipped from his grip, rolling over on her stomach before raising herself on all-fours for him. It strained her cratered thigh and made her reconstructed collarbone throb with pain, but she ignored it.
Carlisle was a little slow to pick up on what she wanted, but followed her, positioning himself behind her. "Are you sure?' he asked, fingers curling around her hip without any pressure behind it. "Your leg… shoulder…"
"Very fucking sure," she gritted out, pushing back agains him and sliding her knees further apart to accomodate him. It hurt, but at the same time it mixed with her lust deliciously.
She bent her head back and he immediately got the hint, sliding his hand up over her back and curling it loosely around her throat. "Like this?" he asked again, squeezing a little, putting just enough pressure on her windpipe to make her feel dizzy and delirious, but not so much that she couldn't comfortably breathe.
She nodded the best she could, closing her eyes and pressing her ass back against him again, impatient.
"Patience, darling," he said, forcing her to tilt her hips further down with his hand, before shifting his own hips, sliding his hard cock inside her warm, tight wetness with a deep stroke. He moaned a low, guttural moan, unwittingly squeezing her throat closed.
It left her breathless and wanting more. Her walls rippled around him, and the feeling only made her burn more. She pushed back against him, whimpering her need.
"I got you," he panted, driving his hips forward, pushing himself inside to the hilt. "You're so wet."
All she could do was moan and eagerly press back against him. His fingers were tight on her throat, flexing on her larynx, just hard enough to make speaking difficult, just tight enough that it made her dizzy. He filled her completely - even though they'd been having sex plenty, her body just couldn't get used to how perfectly he filled her up. Every movement, no matter how minute, left a blazing trail of pleasure.
When his thrusts became harder, rougher and deeper, she continued to meet him eagerly. Her knees started to slip on the bed, and she scrambled to get a better grip on the sheets. She stretched her good arm in front of her to grab one of the spindles of her headboard, bracing against his thrusts.
It wasn't what Carlisle wanted. "Come here," he breathed, commanded, letting his hand fall away from her throat to grip her good shoulder, pulling her up and against his cold body, her warm back against his cold chest.
She yelped when the change of position sent an intense thrill of pain through her body, one that reverberated in her bones, but it quickly dissolved into a moan when he forced her close to him, creating skin-to-skin contact from shoulder to thigh. The hand that had previously braced her hip now wrapped around her stomach with an iron grip, pushing them close together. His other hand trailed over her ribcage, up, between her breasts, purposely sliding up until he could wrap his slender fingers around her throat again, his palm resting against her windpipe. There was no force or strength behind it, but that could change it a split-second.
"You like this?" he whispered heatedly, his breath cold on her neck.
She nodded eagerly, pressing back against him desperately and bringing up her hand to place it over his on her throat, pressing down, compelling him to put more strength in his touch.
He obediently squeezed, making a quiet noise of desire in the back of his throat.
She shivered, managing a delirious, impatient moan.
"Noted." His tone was low, on edge, as if he was holding back but his willpower was quickly fading.
There was a promise in his tone, and she shivered again. She anchored her hands around his wrists, one by her throat, the other so low over her stomach that his fingers curved over her venus mound.
"Brace," he murmured in that same low, heated, promising tone.
She squeezed his wrists, digging her nails into his skin, anticipation fluttering in her stomach.
"Good," he murmured, kissing her cheek, then nosing her neck. Just as she started to relax a little, he drove his hips against her backside hard.
She moaned, managing to weakly whisper his name, digging her nails into his skin harder. He responded by biting down on the sensitive tissue connecting her neck and shoulder, then immediately laving his tongue over the teeth marks he'd left.
"More?" he asked, almost polite, but Bella could hear in his voice how thin his control was. He relieved the pressure on her windpipe so she could answer.
"More," she consented, closing her eyes.
It was all she needed to say. Carlisle squeezed her throat again, ramming his hips against her for another rough thrust. When she didn't protest, he set a ruthless pace, thrusting deep inside her and squeezing her throat rhythmically.
She moaned, holding onto him as hard as she could, trying to stay close to him. He'd turned her skin into an erogenous zone - his touch burned cold and hot everywhere. Relaxing her muscles to let him in became harder and harder. He adjusted with a groan, staying deep inside her but thrusting much more shallowly.
She tried to pry her fingers away from his hand on her stomach so she could touch herself, so she could release the climax she felt building, but her muscles didn't obey. Instead, she gasped, "I'm so close, please…"
He bit her neck again, not breaking skin. "Me too." His voice was rough. He leaned back a little, taking her with him, forcing her to lay her body weight on him. It freed the hand over her stomach so he slid it down, between her legs. He ran his fingers through her wetness before pinching her clit, rolling the sensitive ball of nerves between his fingers.
Almost immediately, Bella's orgasm exploded behind her eyes, coursing through her body with a vengeance.
Carlisle was relentless, and kept his fingers in place, thrusting in her until he came too, groaning through clenched teeth in an attempt to resist the urge to bite her again - he was sure he wouldn't be able to keep her skin from breaking if he bit her now.
It triggered a second oversensitive climax in her, and her muscles went weak. "Oh god," she managed, breathless and sated.
"Gods," he echoed, his voice hoarse. He relaxed the hand around her throat, but kept it in place. She slumped against him completely, but he carried her weight without effort. "Gods," he said again, bringing his arm up around her stomach again, cradling her close to him, this time much more gentle.
Bella attempted to swallow the whimper of pain that spilled over her lips, and failed. Her thigh throbbed emphatically.
Carlisle slowly dropped the hand around her throat and let her slide off him, down into the bed. "I'm sorry," he mumbled as he laid her down carefully.
"What?" she asked, still dizzy.
"You're bleeding again. I strained you too much." His careful fingers caressed her injured thigh.
"I don't give a shit." She stretched her good arm, gripping his upper arm and pulling him down to her. "I wanted this." Then immediately amended, "I needed this. Fuck, I needed this."
He came down to her, rolling onto his side so that she could curl into him. "Every time I think you can't get more perfect, you do this."
"Mind-blowing sex?" she joked.
"Making me let go," he murmured, tone serious.
"Oh, well, that too." There was no way she could talk about sappy emotions and life-changing events right now. She rolled into his arms and kissed his jaw. "Next time, squeeze harder."
He groaned, "damn it, Bella. I'll hurt you." It was a tempting offer, however.
"Sometimes I want that." Her lips drifted up until they found his. She kissed him, sloppily and with a lot of tongue, making sure he couldn't answer.
When they drifted apart, she whispered, "I can't let you go. You're mine now."
He didn't argue.
Monday morning, after breakfast, when they were lazing around on the couch, Bella poked Carlisle's leg with her foot. "Hey."
"Hey yourself," he replied, without looking up from the book he'd been reading.
She rolled her eyes, but there was no heat behind the action. "Can you stop reading for a sec? I wanna ask you something."
He held up one finger while finishing the section, then closed the book without putting a bookmark in. "Okay."
"So. Don't think I want you gone by any means," she somewhat nervously prefaced her questions, "but, one, don't you have a job to go to? And two, why are you even in Seattle when you have kids that live in Forks? Don't they need you?"
"One, I took two weeks off to take care of you," he replied, "and two, Forks General didn't have work for a trauma surgeon, so I work for the Seattle hospital collective. I have an apartment in the city centre and I go home when I'm not on schedule for a couple of days. The kids can take care of themselves just fine - they're hardly kids anymore, considering the youngest one is 118."
"Aren't they… I don't know, annoyed that you haven't been home?"
That seemed to hit the mark. Carlisle's shoulders slumped down a little and he sighed. "Well, it's been a while… that's true…"
"You don't… have to stay here," she mumbled, feeling accountable for taking a father away from his kids. "I'm healing pretty well. You should go home for a few days." Coincidentally, she could use the mental space and physical solitude to process what had happened to her, and to come down from her lovey dovey cloud of lust and hormones.
"Do you want… to be alone?" he asked, looking at her curiously.
No, I want to lock you up and never allow you to leave me again. "I'll be okay for a few days. It'll be good to get my stuff sorted out." Blood rose to her cheeks for a rosy blush as she added, "you distract me too much to get anything done."
"An utmost pleasant distraction," he half-joked.
"Definitely," she hastily agreed, "but… I mean… uh…" Words seemed to run away from her whenever she needed them, especially when talking to him. "I think I need a few days to… gather my bearings, you know. Plus… You've been an angel, helping me out so much, but maybe it's time I start taking care of my own household again." The words came out insecurely, quietly, almost fearful.
"Of course." He was instantly understanding - he had been having sleepless nights to mull over what was happening between them, but Bella hadn't. For her, they'd been together almost constantly ever since they came home from the hospital. "When would you like me to leave?"
"Uh." Despite his understanding, fear clamped around Bella's heart. "Well. Before work? Meeting is later today, at seven." They usually worked at night, to accommodate the more illicit aspects of the job.
He frowned. "At seven?"
"Uh-huh," she confirmed, not giving away any other information. She was dreading having to tell him what she actually did for a living, even though she was sure he'd been able to make a pretty good, educated guess with the information he'd been able to collect so far.
"That's late," he murmured, mulling it over in his mind.
"More time for us," she said, her tone as flirty as she could manage.
"You insatiable little minx," he laughed.
"I can't help it, you turn me on," she half-accused, half-laughed. "Do you have any idea what effect you have on me?"
"I could say the same," he chuckled. "I'm sure my family will bombard me with questions when I come home."
"What will you tell them?" she asked, her voice now much more quiet, nerves bleeding into it. What are we? Are we a couple? Is he my… boyfriend? They hadn't gotten to defining their relationship yet - they'd been too preoccupied with… other things.
"Hmm. I'm not sure." He frowned again, his eyebrows knitted together in worry. "What would you like me to tell them?"
"Well, whatever you do, please don't tell them I'm a former patient you wanted to fuck," she said, joking to lighten the heavy atmosphere, joking because she didn't know how to talk about this seriously.
"I guess…" He looked at her, taking her in with his open, honest eyes. "I guess I'd like to tell them that we're… dating? That we're together." He looked away for a second, insecurity marking his face. "Are we together?"
Bella's heart hammered out her heartbeat like she was running the 100m sprint at the Olympics. "Uh. I… I'd like to be?" It came out like a question, equally insecure as he. "I hate words like 'boyfriend', 'girlfriend'. It sounds so juvenile." Nitpicking was one of the ways she dealt with her anxiety.
"I don't care about labels. I just want to be able to tell my family we're together." He took his book out again, giving her the chance to end the subject here.
She took the opportunity with both hands. "Yeah, tell them we're together. I'd like that."
"Me too."
Her house felt oddly empty without Carlisle in it. How he'd become such a staple in her life in less than two weeks spent together, she didn't know.
To fill the silence, she turned on some music. The sound of Chopin's delicate piano etudes filled the living room. Her lips turned up in a smile, and she chuckled to herself. It may be weird to have the house to myself, but… it's good. She felt lighter than she had in years. No more walking on eggshells for Ian, no more feeling alone in the arms of a partner, no more toxic codependency, no more fear.
Her life was hers again.
Part 5 should be up in a month or so.
As always, I love hearing your thoughts and reading your comments.