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Chapter Fifty-three: You Got it

He sat at his desk but instead of focusing on his work he found that his mind had wandered back home. Would Speed still be there when shift ended or would he return to find his friend gone once again? And if that happened, what would he do, go after him? There were demons haunting the man's every moment, that much was visible in his eyes, a stare that went vacant often. The scar on his arm telling a story of its own, of some horrible moment it became too much to bear and he wanted to end it all. Horatio wasn't exactly sure what to think of that; he knew that Speed was fragile, that sometimes he was on the edge. But to actually attempt taking his own life? He shook his head. Things were worse than he imagined. And he didn't want them to get any worse. Now that the whole militia issue was over he hoped things would quiet down. Some mundane murders, maybe some accidents or suspicious deaths. No more people gunning for officers or putting hits out on his friends. A month, maybe two, that's all he was asking, that's all he wanted. Enough time to help Speed find his place in the light again.

Someone tapped gently on his door before coming in. He forced a smile, pushing his troubling thoughts to the back of his mind. "Calleigh, what can I do for you?"

She sat in one of the chairs across from his desk. Today she looked bright, happy, her eyes dancing with a light all their own. It pleased him to no end to see that she was her normal cheerful self. He needed that, they all needed her bright smile to make the days less dreary. Little by little they made it through the aftermath, moved on. "I was just wondering if everything is okay. You've been walking around the lab in a fog today. Something on your mind?"

Should he tell her? Should he speak the words that he knew she'd been waiting to hear for so many days? Here sat one of the brightest of his team, a woman who dealt with her father's drinking, the death of a friend, and the near death of countless others. He knew that she spent a lot of her time keeping an eye on Delko, helping him along on his road to recovery. And when she wasn't at the lab doing her job she was at the hospital with Hagen giving him emotional support. The detective was healing in leaps and bounds. And just the other day Office Jesup had returned to active duty. As that thought crossed his mind he frowned. Three men who had their lives shattered and were moving on, taking the next step in putting the past behind them. What made them so different from Speed? Why was he unable to do the same?

"H?"

"He came home," he said, watching her to judge her reaction.

At first the words didn't seem to register but then he saw the slow recognition of what he said take affect. Surprisingly she didn't flash a mega-watt smile but she also refrained from falling to pieces. Perhaps she was stronger than all of them. "Speed is home?"

He nodded in confirmation. "Yesterday. Unless he's decided to pack up and leave again he should still be at my house."

"Do you think….?"

"Not yet," he answered with a shake of his head. "I don't think he's quite ready for company. He doesn't even think he wants to return to the lab. Right now he needs some space, time to think everything through."

"And what did he do with all that time on the road?" Calleigh asked, anger edging into her voice.

"Calleigh, please," sighed Horatio.

She also sighed, letting her shoulders slump, the light in her eyes dimming a little. "I'm sorry. It's just…do you have any idea how often Delko talks about him?" Her smile was faint and lasted no more than a second. "After the accident, I had to keep reminding him that Speed was alive. For some reason he kept thinking that Tim died months ago. Then the memories came back and he…it was like he was lost. Can you imagine what it is like to come back to yourself and find that the person who holds the key to your heart is gone? And you don't understand why?"

"This has been hard on everybody, Cal, not just Delko," he reminded her kindly. "There is very little doubt in my mind that Speed will return to the lab. Something brought him back here yesterday. This is his home, despite all the troubling things, this is where he belongs, and on some level I believe he realizes that. But I'm not going to push. He needs to realize it on his own."

Calleigh stood. "All I'm saying is that I hope he realizes soon."

"So do I." He watched as she headed for the door. "Oh, and Calleigh? Please don't mention this to anyone. I don't want them to know. Not yet."

"Of course, Horatio," she smiled, the bright light having returned to her eyes. "Mum's the word. If you want to keep it a secret, you've got it."

-------------------------------------------------

After a slow day at the lab Horatio looked forward to be going home, to see whether or not he still had a houseguest. Though while Speed was gone Horatio paid his rent to keep his apartment, he wasn't about to just shove Speed out the door and make him return home. He actually liked having company, even finding that he missed Mite. Knowing that Speed kept the dog showed promise, it meant that he wasn't ready to ditch everything that reminded him of his past. As he pulled into the driveway he noticed that the lights were on inside, a good sign. Killing the engine, he slipped out in the cool Miami night. Fall had taken a firm hold on the state, and the news stations were saying that it was going to be one of the coldest winters on record. He didn't mind, the weather never stopped people from killing one another, life would go on as before. He found the front door locked so he slipped his key into the lock and turned it. Mite greeted him at the door, tail wagging, tongue ready for giving kisses. He gave the dog a good scratch behind the ears, happy to see that he was still at the house; yet another good sign. Horatio found Speed in the kitchen, his good mood going down a few notches.

"Speed?"

Speed stood with one hand on the counter to brace himself, the other pressed against his chest, a grimace of pain on his face. "Just a gas bubble," he remarked. "I'll feel better once it's passed. No worries."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I had a complete check-up not that long ago," answered Speed. "Aside from the usual warnings and risks I have a clean bill of health."

"I would assume that was about the time you…" Horatio didn't finish the sentence on purpose, nodding at Speed's arm.

In reaction Speed tugged at the cuff of his long sleeve shirt, then crossed his arms, going on the defensive. "I don't want to talk about it."

"You will have to, eventually. You do realize that that will hurt your chances at keeping your job."

"Life's a bitch," Speed commented with an attitude that pretty much said he didn't care.