Chapter Fifty-four: I Want you Back

Another day spent reading books and avoiding every possible news outlet. He didn't want to hear about the war in Middle East or that the leader of this country was guilty of having an extra-marital offer or that thirteen children had died in a freak bus accident. He wanted to be floating away blissfully to a world where there was no darkness, no shadows that lurked around every corner even on the brightest of days. Deep down inside, he wanted to be free. The chance to live his life like he once had, joking around with his friend to keep the mood light at work, going out afterward to some club to dance and drink. To have his life back, that's what he wanted most of all. But something kept him from achieving that goal, held him back. Fear. That was the only thing he could think of, the fear of getting hurt again. Did he need anymore painful scars? Anymore nightmares to keep him awake through nights that seemed like they were never going to end? No, he didn't want either. So he spent his time reading. Horatio had a rather large collection of forensic related material in his house, much like Speed had at his apartment, and there were always new techniques to be learned. Hours passed with him pouring over volume after volume on the science of fingerprinting and the best way to tell the age of bones.

When it got too dark for reading without turning on a light he put away the book in his lap, heading for the kitchen. Horatio would be home soon, his shift over at the lab. The least that he could do was make Horatio dinner as a thank you for his hospitality. Of course, he wasn't nearly as good a cook as his boss but he knew his way around a kitchen well enough to whip up something good. And by the time Horatio walked through the front door he was setting the table, getting everything ready. As he placed the last dish on the polished but worn wood he was hit with the sudden realization that his life had become so little. Was he going to spend the rest of his days sitting across a table from someone making mundane conversation just so he could avoid the real world? He was virtually a housewife, an idea that bothered him.

"I see you've had a productive day," Horatio said, nodding in the general direction of the coffee table visible in the living room. There was a stack of leather bound books beside some open forensic magazines. "Good choice of reading, seems that you're still interested in the lab."

Speed shook his head. "Science is my life, can't escape that."

"So are you thinking of returning to work then?" Horatio asked. He hung his suit jacket on the back of his chair, settling across from Speed to enjoy the hot meal.

Instead of answering him Speed just shrugged his shoulders, then started eating. At least Horatio was happy to see that his friend was eating with more gusto than the last few days, though his appetite still seemed to be lacking slightly. He considered the sprawl of forensic reading material as a good sign that the old Speed was trying to come out of the darkness that held him for so long. Maybe it was time to start pushing, no more walking on eggshells and choosing his words carefully. He knew that Speed belonged in the lab as much as Speed knew it, but would not admit. As he placed a forkful of food in his mouth he tried to think of the best way to approach the subject, to make Speed see that he needed to get back to work if he wanted his life to return to normal. But Speed beat him to it.

"How is everybody?" he asked, not able to bring himself to look at his boss. Part of him was afraid to hear how his friends were after all this time. Surely there had been a lot of change since that horrible day. A day he never wanted to think about but that kept creeping into the forefront of his thoughts.

"I told Calleigh you were back," Horatio told him honestly. That got a responsible, one that he was expecting, as Speed looked at him, fear glimmering in his eyes. "She wants to see you but understands that you might need some time. She was very happy to hear that you are okay."

After a moment Speed managed to swallow down the lump in his throat. "And…how is she…dealing?"

"As good as one can," Horatio told him. "Jake's funeral was hard on her but she quickly threw her sorrow into helping Hagen recover from his injuries. The detective is making a good recovery and I was told by Frank earlier today that the department cleared Hagen for desk duty; the first step on his road back. Ryan managed rather well with the use of only one arm for two weeks and he's doing great, though I think he misses having you around to help him along. This science stuff is still new to him."

"He'll get the hang of it."

"Officer Jesup returned to active duty the other day," continued Horatio. Part of him hoped that talking about all of their friends would spark something, maybe give Speed that final push in the right direction that would bring him back to the lab. He had to hope for something. "He asked about you, wanted to know how you were fairing."

Judging by the look on Speed's face Horatio could tell that he hadn't expected that. Good, perhaps this would work after all.

"Delko is doing great," he remarked offhandedly, making no effort to further elaborate with hopes that Speed would take the bait.

And he did. "He's….doing fine?"

Horatio nodded. "Touch and go, a tad rough at the beginning but he's coming back to himself. Calleigh's been helping him along, too. And Ryan and Cooper have been very supportive." He paused, trying to pick his next words carefully. "Speed, the only thing missing from the lab is you. You belong in the picture but you're not there." He put down his fork and stared steadily at Speed. "I want you to come back. No more haunting my house, though you are welcome to stay as long as you want. I want you back where you belong, doing your job."

"H-"

He put up his hand. "You won't have to be on field work, not unless you felt really ready for it. I just think you need to get back into the fold, get out of this funk. You need to move on, Speed. The past is always going to be there, and it can only haunt you as long as you let it. Come back to work, make better memories. Move on to happier days."

For a while Speed sat there quietly, his mind working like crazy as he started down a positive path only to get diverted back to the darkness and shadows. There was a burning desire inside of him to see his friends, even though at the same time he feared what they might have to say to him. Would they welcome him with open arms? Would the smiles be fake? Would there be apprehension? His job. Even now, after all this time, he could still see the lab so perfectly when he closed his eyes, he heard the sounds of the machines as they did their jobs. He tried to run from the past, left Miami behind in hopes of finding peace, finding nothing but more nightmares and darkness. Something drew him back here, brought him home. Yes, home.

He looked at Horatio, surprised to hear himself speaking the words. "H, I…want to return to work."