Chapter Fifty-seven: Kiss Me At Midnight
"Something wrong, Tim?" Horatio asked as he wandered into the dimly lit living room. He'd gone to bed nearly three hours ago, exhausted from a day busier than most others. Every time he turned around there was another call, another scene in need of one of his special investigators. And though he was streched thin he refused to let Speed out of the lab. With all the work to be done he merely passed his team in the halls, two ships passing in the sea. But even though they did not speak he could sense the tension in the air, the anger and unspoken words. He expected it, waited with baited breath for Delko or Calleigh to confront him. Not one word uttered. He returned home at the end of shift, Speed right behind him. They ate dinner, talked about work. Went to their separate rooms to sleep. And sleep welcomed him with open arms. Yet three hours later he stood, in the dim light of a lamp casting shadows in the living room.
Speed looked up at him from where he sat on the sofa. "I can't sleep, that's all. Sorry if I woke you."
"No need to apologize," Horatio responded, taking a seat beside him. There were so many questions in his mind, so much that he wanted to know about the time his friend spent away; specifically the origin of the cuts. But now was not the time or place for such conversations. "Thinking about the first day back on the job?"
"You could say that."
"Good or bad?"
Speed seemed to be mulling over the question, trying to find the right answer. Horatio didn't like seeing the confusion, the mix of emotions passing over his friend's face. He knew that returning to the lab would be hard on him, on all of them, but he never really thought of the trouble he'd be putting Speed through. Was it wrong of him to assume that the young investigator was ready to return to the life he left behind? When to push and when to leave well enough alone became a very risky balancing act. One wrong move could send him over the edge, perhaps to a place where he'd already visited, a place Horatio didn't want him going again. For reasons he could not even begin to understand he always seemed on the verge of losing Speed, a realization that he hated.
A ghost of a smile appeared on Speed's features. "Alexx was sure happy to see me. And Velara welcomed me with open arms…"
"But?"
He shook his head. "Something…I get the feeling that not everybody wants me back."
"Don't go there, Tim," Horatio said, understanding. "They're confused. Things got horrible and you left without saying goodbye. It scared them, Tim. You have to give them time to readjust to having you back. To tell you the truth, nobody expected you to come back. Well, nobody but me. They need time. Everyone needs time."
With a sigh, Speed got up and started pacing around the living room. He wanted to be back at work, he wanted to have back the life he'd left. But he found it harder than he expected to fit the pieces back where they belonged, almost like they were sodden pieces of a puzzle that no longer matched with their cohorts. That nagging, lingering thought remained in the back of his mind, the simple thought of whether or not he could even do this anymore. This was supposed to be his home, the place where he felt loved and welcomed. He fully understood what Horatio was saying about his friends needing time but…for some reason he couldn't shake the feeling that something else was going on. That on some deeper level they almost wished he'd died or something.
He stopped pacing. "I think I'll go for a walk."
"It's the middle of the night," Horatio pointed out.
"I'll take Mite with me," countered Speed, having already made up his mind. Some fresh air might help to clear his mind. And even though Miami didn't exactly sleep like some of the towns he'd seen in the last few months, it would be easy to get lost in thought when surrounded by strangers. He headed for the guest bedroom to put on his shoes and socks and fetch Mite.
Horatio followed him. "Normally I wouldn't suggest this but please take your gun, Speed. You can never be too safe."
He nodded, going over to the nightstand to get his service weapon. With the gun clipped to his side, cellphone in his back pocket, and Mite ready to go, he headed out the door. Horatio stood by the front door for a few minutes longer, wondering if letting Speed out of the house in the middle of the night was such a good idea. In the long run he figured there was nothing he could do. Speed had to get better; he had to find the solid ground that went missing with the upheaval of months of depression and self-doubt. As he strolled back to his bedroom he knew that sleep would be fitful, praying that he didn't receive one of those late night calls that sent him rushing to the emergency room.
He couldn't handle that again.
An hour passed in which he strolled the sometimes crowded sidewalks. He didn't really have a destination in mind, walking at a leisurely pace while Mite sniffed every sign post, every fire hydrant. A half full moon hung low in the sky with a scattering of stars. When he'd passed through some of the countryside during his attempt to run from the past he recalled how amazing it was to see so many stars, little glowing beckons of hope. The light pollution of a big city like Miami managed to block out the vast majority of the stars, denying the people below a chance to see real beauty. Of all the things he missed, he never thought he'd miss the stars. They were always there. He just couldn't see them as well.
They walked blindly, going where they pleased until finding themselves in a small park near the beach. The place was vaguely familiar to him and it took him a minute or two to realize why. This was the very same locale in which they'd found the body of that murdered adult film star. He'd spent an afternoon searching for her dog. He stopped, staring out over the water. A short distance away a couple walked by hand in hand, her head on his shoulder. Sometimes Miami offered a romantic setting, other times it turned into a blood bath of rage and hatred. A love-hate relationship.
He sighed.
"Speed?"
He looked back over his shoulder surprised to find Delko walking in his direction. What the hell was his friend doing out here at this time of night? "Hey." He had no idea what to say. Things hadn't exactly been that great at work today. Something was clearly missing from their friendship, a vital piece having washed down the drain.
"What are you doing out here?" Delko asked, stopping by his side. He gave Mite a scratch behind the ears.
"Couldn't sleep," Speed offered. He wanted to keep it casual and nice, didn't want to make things worse. There were bridges in need of repair. "What about you?"
Delko shrugged. "Felt the need for fresh air. Since the accident I tend to spend more time alone, thinking."
"Yeah, I know what that is like."
Delko cleared his throat nervously. "Speed…"
"I'm sorry, Eric," interrupted Speed. "I'm sorry for just leaving without saying anything. I know that sorry can't fix things and there is nothing I can do to repair the damage done but…Listen to me, begging for forgiveness like I deserve it. Go ahead and be mad at me, Delko. You have every right in the world to hate my guts. Seems that I just keep making one mistake after the other, fucking things up royally. There have been moments when I wonder why I returned, why didn't I just keep running? You and Calleigh, Horatio, you all would have been fine without me, would have learned to cope…"
Delko grabbed him roughly by the shoulders, stopping his stream of self-anger. In the next instance he felt the familiar heat of Delko's lips against his; a kiss to shut him up. He wanted to pull away, should have pulled away, but he couldn't quite bring himself to do it. Maybe, deep down, this was the reason he returned to Miami.