Disclaimer- I don't own these Character's they belong to Kurt Sutter

Authors note-I cut out a lot of dialog and skimmed over stuff that is included in the episodes and I trying to focus on more of what we wouldn't have seen on the show. Let me know what you think of this chapter. If you want me to include more of what we saw in the show let me know and I will try and include more on the next chapter.

I woke up and just didn't want to get out of bed but I smelled coffee and remembered Juice was here, so I knew I should get up and ready to start the day. As I walked into the kitchen, I saw Juice staring at the blood spot on the floor.

"You should replace these floors."

"I know but we have had other shit on our mind Juice. Do you want breakfast?"

"No thanks, Tara."

"I am going to head to the jail to see about getting Jax out."

"Ok, I am coming with you; let me know when you want to go."

"Now."

"Ok, let's go; oh and Tara, I am glad you are going to stick it out with him and us. Like I said last night this is going to get a lot worse before it gets better, if you need anything let me know."

As I got close to the jail, I saw Jax standing with Clay and Opie. I took a few deep breaths; I knew I needed to be ready for this. I stopped the car and got out as Jax came over. All the guys took off and Juice went with them. I barely listened to Jax as he tried to scare me off. When he finished, I knew I couldn't say anything so I stepped up to kiss him. I chose him for better or worse at Donna's funeral and all this wouldn't change anything. It was time I quit running and stood my ground to fight for what I want. I left Jax and headed to the hospital to take care of another part of my life. I walked up to Margret's office to turn in my Leave of Absence paperwork.

I left the hospital unsure of what to do and shocked that Margret wanted me to stay. I arrived back at home and sat on the couch unsure of what to do. So I settled for what I had been doing since I came home to Charming… worry. I got up and went to sit in the nursery; I sat in the rocking chair thinking about my pregnancy. I didn't know if Jax would want to have another baby or if we would be able to work through everything. I knew Jax blamed me for Abel's kidnapping and hell, so did I. I wondered if I had been tougher, could I have saved Abel somehow. I had been over and over that day in my head but I never could figure it out. Part of me wondered if I had any right to bring another child into my life when I couldn't even protect Abel. I knew I needed to talk to Gemma so I went to the bedroom to get one of Jax's pre-pay phones. It helped to hear Gemma's voice but the pop at the end of the call had me worried.

I had sat in the chair for an hour and hadn't realized what time it was, I had to get ready for Half-Sack's funeral. I didn't know if the boys were going to make it or not, so I knew I had to be there to represent SAMCRO. I put on my heels and looked in the mirror, I don't know how my life came to this…Son missing, Jax pushing me away, keeping a pregnancy secret and representing SAMCRO at a funeral. I walked out to the Cutlass and headed towards the clubhouse where everyone was meeting. I pulled in and was greeted by Piney.

"Hi sweetheart."

"Hi Piney, are we it for SAMCRO?"

"Yeah, the guys are doing something to find Abel. They are going to try and meet up with us at the cemetery."

"Ok, where is Lyla?"

"Over at the picnic table"

I knew somehow I was in charge of making sure Lyla learned the ropes so I went over to her.

"Hey Lyla, glad you could be here to help represent. How about you ride with me to the cemetery?"

"Ok, that would be great. Thanks, Tara."

As we walked to the Cutlass, Piney stopped me

"Since none of the boys are here, we are representing SAMCRO; so you follow me, in front of the hearse."

I nodded and got in line. I was grateful that Lyla didn't speak on the way there, I needed to stay calm. This was the hardest funeral I have ever had to attend; this was a sweet guy who died saving me and Abel. When we stopped, I couldn't get out; I dropped my head on the steering wheel and tried to get control of my emotions. I felt Lyla's hand on my shoulder.

"Are you ok, Tara?"

"I honestly don't know Lyla, I just don't know."

We got interrupted as our doors were opened, Piney had gotten Lyla's and Clay surprised me by getting mine.

"Come on, sweetheart."

"Where is Jax?"

"He is doing an errand to help look for Abel. He is going to try and get here, until then Tig, Chibbs and I are all here if you need anything."

We all walked to the grave site and I sat in the first seat that normally Gemma occupied, and had the few members of SAMCRO that were there standing behind me. Right before the funeral started, Jax showed up; it was weird to see how the guys parted to let him stand behind me. I knew him standing there was more show then anything because he looked pissed about something. Oh well, I would have to figure it out later because the funeral had just begun.

I couldn't concentrate on what was being said because I just kept replaying the series of events that led up to this.

I had taken Abel into the house to get more diapers and formula and Kip scared me when he walked in. I called Jax to fill him in and I was so relieved when he picked up. The next thing I know, the Irish guy I had patched up a couple months ago, had a gun pointed at me. He took the phone but I could still hear Jax calling my name. I knew that he would be coming to check on us; I just had to keep us all safe until then. When he went to Abel's carrier, I quit breathing for a minute; the second he headed toward the carrier with the knife I leapt to my feet and headed toward them but Kip was closer. I didn't realize that the Irish guy had stabbed Kip at first until he didn't push forward anymore. I didn't know what to do, I was pregnant and if anything happened to me, it happened to the baby and no one would know about what happened to Abel. I knew I couldn't do anything crazy; which actually didn't come into play because the second I saw Kip's body fall to the ground, I fell apart. I felt helpless; I couldn't help Kip and I didn't know how to save Abel. I just kept wishing Jax would get there and save us. The Irish guy was holding Abel and crying and I just didn't know what he would do at this point. He must have remembered I was there because he turned to me and told me to get up. He had a gun to my head and pushed me into the nursery and made me sit in the rocking chair. He began duct taping my hands and feet; I tried begging him not to hurt Abel but he wouldn't say anything to me. I had sat there for about 10-15minutes before I heard the bikes pull in. The door slammed open and then I heard Jax call my name; I had never been so relieved. I saw the same relief I felt wash over his face when he saw me, he began asking me if I was ok but that was when I had to tell him about Abel. I had known then that our relationship would not be the same after this.

I was brought back to the present when everyone had begun to stand as the funeral ended. I stood quickly and went back to the car; reliving that day had really upset me. I stood there for a minute before a phone rang in the car. I found the culprit and answered it and heard Gemma's voice come on the line.

"Tara, I need some help. I am at my dad's and have a medical emergency."

I took down the address and let out a sigh, this is exactly what I needed. Lyla had come over and so I took off without talking to anyone. I let Lyla off at the street and rushed to the pharmacy to fill a couple of prescriptions to take with me. I made it home and packed clothes for a few days and was putting my medical bags together when Jax pulled up.

"Where are you going?"

I really didn't want to get into everything his mom told me but the second he told me what I could and couldn't do, I got pissed. Once he brought up my leave of absence, I lost a lot of that anger.

"I was going to tell you."

"What about the beating you put on your boss, you going to tell me about that too?"

I was very relieved to hear his phone ring and save me from explaining my embarrassing story. He took off telling me we would continue later, how could he expect me to do what he says when he says it? The man knew that would piss me off but it hurt more than anything that he was treating me like a croweater who blindly obeyed them. He was pushing me away hard and it was working. Once I heard the bike takeoff I left, fuck him, he gets to do what he wants why can't I.

I headed out of Charming and couldn't help but remember that the last time I drove from Charming was when I was mad at Jax also. The only difference was, this time I didn't want to leave him; I wanted to be with my family. I spent the whole trip trying to figure out exactly where I belonged in this crazy family and wondering when to tell Jax about my pregnancy.