Katniss' POV

I was sitting, perched on the hill overlooking the little town of District 12. It was a beautiful place, really, but there was something about it today… Maybe it was the monotone gray color of the sky, or the lack of movement around the buildings. But I wasn't sure I cared what it was that made today so awful.

Cold spring wind pricked my skin all over, and I took a deep breath. Today was the day.

Ever since I was allowed to go out, it was never completely free like it use to. At first, someone had to go out with me and stay with me until I came back home. Gradually, it became so where it was just going out, then finding me in around an hour. Thankfully, over the weeks, that hour had stretched to a few more, though someone to pick me up was always expected. I wasn't to be trusted. I was mentally unstable, as always.

I knew what had to be done today, but I needed more time. Just a little while longer to say my goodbyes to this quaint town I grew up in. Over the years I had gown use to everything. The way the tall spruce trees wave hello and goodbye in the wind. How the dirt roads below wind slowly around the small houses, making sure every place of the earth was covered from here to there.

I had been to this hill, of course. It was the main place where I stayed when I was allowed to be outside. I would lean against the bark on the crowning tree and peer down at District 12. It was the perfect spot, really. Tiny grove of trees to rest under, bushes to hide in if necessary. It was so perfect, in fact, that I had worn a trail up to the top, caused by countless hikes up here.

My plan was simple; don't stay long enough where people would come looking for me, once I was done watching the city wake up, I would go north into what was once called the Appalachian Mountains. And if all went well, I wouldn't come back.

Though it was rotten of me, I wasn't sure I cared. There wasn't a single feeling in this void heart of mine. There hasn't been since I left District 13. Part of me wishes I had time to say a proper farewell to everyone. Talking in their sleep didn't count. I wanted so badly to be held again, but I had grown so apart from everything else, it felt better to be alone. Being alone was like medication. And it didn't help pining away, anyways. I knew he wasn't coming back.

Maybe he had found some fancy bakery job. Maybe he decided I was too much of an out of control extremist for him. Or maybe he followed me to the woods. Maybe he wasn't so lucky when I blew up the gunpowder. Maybe I was lucky enough for him never to come back. It was better that way.

With a sigh, I decided it was time to go. Sulking around and making excuses never got anything done. I stood up, forcing my frail limbs to do as they were told. I should have known better to not eat; running was much easier with actual nutrition in your blood. But that was okay. I could walk.

My eyes fluttered towards the woods, in the direction I would run. If I pace myself, I could make a good six, seven miles in an hour. That should be enough, right? Enough for no one to find me.

I stumbled down the shallow slope of the hill, into the edge of the forest. I had to stop for just one last time, and breathe the scent of the town I would be leaving behind. Fresh rainwater, pine needles, willow sap, earthy, alive creatures. Shaking my head violently, I wiped the emotion away from my body again. Time to move, now, Katniss. I started to take a step, but something beat me to it.

A foot crunched against a dried leaf behind me, signaling me to stop. Darn it… I cursed silently to myself. I was being picked up earlier than usual today. Not bothering to turn around, I forced my dry throat to speak. "One more hour. Go away."

"I'm not going anywhere." A soft voice murmured behind me.

I froze. Despite not hearing it for nearly half a year, I knew it immediately. There was absolutely no mistaking the kind tone. Breathing getting heavier, I slowly turned around. There he was, looking exactly as he had those many months ago. Shaggy blond hair, hanging slightly in front of familiar azure eyes. Though his clothes hung a little loosely from not eating, it was as if he never left. In the waistband of his black trousers was a small knife, not threatening but protecting.

He looked as though he was in a trance. His eyes flicked all around my face, absorbing every inch of my petrified expression. But it was when he reached a hand out when I turned on my heel and bolted into the forest.

Thank you, brain. Hallucinations are exactly what I needed right now… My feet pounded against the uneven forest floor. The crunches in my ears became white noise, and the woods around me became just a blue of colors. Seeing as how I had eaten very little in the past month, I was running off of pure adrenaline. Running, running, never stopping.

Tears refused to come as I ran. That was okay, though because it wasn't sadness or upset I was feeling. Just this extreme hollowness in the pit of my stomach. I worked so hard trying to get him out of my mind; he had been the only thought stopping me from ending this earlier.

But maybe it was a gift to me, for saving Panem. One last goodbye to what I had before, what I loved. That thought just made me even more despondent. Would I be able to do it? Would I be able to stand on the edge of the precipice, facing death? Would I be able to open my arms and fly for the first, and last, time?

All I needed was to get far enough into the mountains. Once I was a good few miles away from District 12, I could do it.

For an hour I tore through the trees, unaware of anything around me. Finally, I stumbled out of a grove of small pines, sweating and out of breath. Now that I wasn't running like crazy, I had time to breath. But before I could do any of that, I set out a small net snare in the opening of the grove just in case. If anything was to step on it, they would get caught in a web of rope. It was easy enough to get out of, but at least it gave me some time.

Taking deep breaths, I looked out behind me. Perfect. The view was gorgeous. On the left side of the cliff was a steep incline, but the other side was a sheer drop. The grey sky tinged the snow-covered mountains with silver, reflecting the sun that managed to shine through the murky sky.

I stepped up to the ledge, and didn't even bother to look behind me when someone cried out sharp and I heard the scrape of branches against each other. There wasn't any point in looking.

"What are you doing, Katniss?" The frightened, upset voice I knew only too well echoed into the canyon. "What the heck are you—?" His breath suddenly whooshed out of his lungs when I took a step closer to the cliff.

I snuck a glance back at him. He was just sitting in my makeshift net, fingers curled around the rope. His face was horrified. "Katniss, you-you aren't going to…?"

I looked back away and began to unzip my jacket. Spikes of freezing cold shot through my skin, sending even more adrenaline through my system. I felt…alive. Taking yet another deep breath, I reached behind me and undid my long black braid and let my hair spill over my shoulders.

"Katniss!" His voice was suddenly loud and severe. "Katniss Everdeen, step away from that ledge this instance!"

I resisted the urge to scoff. He sounded like my mother. I took another step.

"Katniss! I mean it! Get the hell away from that cliff right now!" He yelled, eyebrows slanted into a harsh line. His pointer finger was aimed at me through the mesh.

I didn't look back at him as I took off my shoes and buried my toes deep in the cold soil. The wind was whipping hair around my face, but that was okay. "No, I don't think I will…"

"I'm serious, Katniss."

"So am I." I murmured, squinting over the edge. It was beautiful, really.

"Katniss, get away from that ledge! Now! You have things to live for, Katniss! Don't do this!" His voice was still stern, but a hint of pleading colored his tone. When I didn't answer, he kept going. "You have me. Don't do this."

"Peeta left me." My throat choked up. "Peeta left me a long time ago. He isn't coming back for me. There is no reason to keep living when I've lost the will. Don't worry;" I turned back to look at the horror-struck face. "It'll be painless, I'm sure."

I spread out my arms as wide as possible and stepped the last step closer to the wide open air. My toes curled around the edge of the cliff, making me a little dizzy, but that didn't matter. It'll be over soon anyways.

The muscles in my legs bunched up, and I tilted forwards, feeling the slight air current flow under me. I coiled up to jump when the cry split the area. My head snapped backwards to stare into the tear-streaked face of mirrored torment, his hand reaching out to me through the netting.

Something slammed hard into my chest, forcing tears from my eyes and making me stumble a few steps backwards. Pain like fire blazed in my chest, my throat. Now the fearful cry of the tangled boy was mixed with my own. Make it stop; please just make it stop…

This couldn't be real…. I squeezed my eyes shut and in slow motion, I crumpled onto the ground and put my head in my hands. I couldn't do it…couldn't do it…. There was no energy left. No nothing… There was no need to throw myself off a cliff. I was already dead.

Somewhere deep in my head, it registered a frantic sawing noise behind me. Something dropped to the leaves and I heard feet pounding against the ground. I didn't really care. Everything in my body hurt; my heart especially. I couldn't live like this; I couldn't open my eyes every day to the same pain, only knowing tomorrow would be the same.

He fell down at my side and pulled my body to his, and we were both crying. Yet, for two different reasons. I was weeping because I couldn't live anymore, yet I couldn't bring myself to die. The young man next to me was crying for the exact opposite reason. He needed me alive, he couldn't bear the thought of me killing myself, which I had come so close to.

His hands roughly stroked my loose hair, tangling it, but holding me closer to him at the same time. The words he spoke were cracked with sobs. "I'm sorry, Katniss. I would never leave you. I'm sorry, I'm sorry… I'm here now. I promise I won't go away again. You're okay…"

He kept talking, but most of the words didn't even register in my head. The mere fact that he was here ruined everything. Now I was even more crushed than I had been.

For a long while we sat at the edge of the cliff, familiar arms around me, crying until we could cry no more. Yet, when I had sat there, tears streaming from my closed eyes, it was just draining me more. Not the energy, but everything. I was left a shell, torn and ragged, only to be discarded like a candy wrapped. But some things were meant to be left broken. He sure didn't mind.

The sun had set, and now the only light available was from the pink horizon and the just-rising moon. He understood my exhaustion, and without saying anything at all, he slid his arms under me, and picked me up. I was dead in his hands, all limp and motionless. Did he have to come back for me? Did he have to keep loving me even though I was broken beyond repair? If I was him, I would have been like, "No can do, buck-o." But he's too much of a fighter for his own good. And I hated him for it. All I wanted to do was to die.

About thirty minutes into our little stroll, the sky began to rumble, and a shower of frigid rain poured down onto us. And, being the gentleman, he took off his jacket and draped it over me. If I was able to talk at all, I'd tell him to just let me freeze to death. To take the jacket and put it back on himself.

Time passed like molasses, but before we both knew it, we were stomping through the edge of the forest, entering the Victors' Village. I wanted to crawl back to my mopey cliff and stay there for a few…I don't know…years, maybe.

"Katniss, I'm bringing you to your mothers' house, okay?" A quiet voice whispered into my ear, but loud enough to be heard over the rain.

The sound of his voice made my heart thud painfully, and I just squeezed my eyes shut tighter.

We were both completely soaked to the bone and had no doubt hypothermia, but somehow, I couldn't feel the cold. My whole body had just gone numb. The only thing I was really aware of was the well-known arms of my nightmares underneath me, which didn't help my sanity or depression much.

For a second I was jolted as we walked up the steps, and then a warm golden flooded the back of my eyelids. A gasp, then my body was passed between arms.

"Peeta! I— Is Katniss okay? Why is she...?"

I dipped in and out of consciousness, only to be brought back into reality when I felt a warm cloth be pressed against my forehead. Against all will, my eyes opened and I was staring into the concerned faces of my mother and Prim. Weirdly enough, only my mother and little sister was in sight. I don't know whether to be horribly sad or happy he was out of my hair.

"How are you feeling, sweetie?" Mother dabbed the cloth around on my face. "I don't know what happened."

It was obvious that was a passive-aggressive way of asking me what had happened, but for the sake of me and everyone around me, I kept my mouth shut and just stared blankly passed my family onto the opposite wall.

"I'll go make you some tea." Mother straightened up and turned to Primrose. "Prim, get Katniss some blankets. She's freezing."

My little sister nodded and disappeared.

Finally, I was left alone. There were no tears—or energy—left in me to cry. All I was able to do was register the horrid empty feeling in my stomach. It was worse than the time I got stabbed, or even when I practically got blew up twice in one year. It was real and alive, coursing through my veins. I wanted to plead, to scream, to die, but I couldn't do that now. All of my plans were just totally screwed up since a certain someone just had to show his face the second I decided to kill myself.

A quiet moan escaped my lips as Prim rushed to my side once again to wrap a thick fleece blanket around my shoulders. Puckering her delicate, pale face, Primrose curled up at my side and put her head on my shoulder. "Mother wants to know what happened. She's going to ask when she comes back in."

I wanted to smile at her and nod my head, to be okay for her if no one else. But I couldn't.

"She's, um…" My little sister turned her head in the direction of the kitchen. "She's talking to Peeta right now."

Crap! A sob built up in my throat, but dissolved there. My last hope for possible sanity (or lack thereof) just disappeared. I decided there was no longer a need to keep my eyes open, so I shut them, allowing tears to build up beneath the eyelids.

But now that Prim mentioned it, I could hear soft murmuring coming from the direction of the kitchen. I couldn't tell what they were saying, and didn't want to.

After some time, the cloth on my forehead was replaced, and I was once again forced to open my eyes. To my utter disappointment and torment, my Mother wasn't the only person kneeling in front of me on the couch. He was there, with his perfect halo of blond hair, and-and brilliant eyes staring, concerned, at me. He didn't say anything, though. It was my mother who spoke.

Mother tried speaking slowly, as if to a little child. "Katniss, love, I know you aren't feeling too well. Peeta invited you to go to his house to clean up and, um…reunite…after those long months. Are you up to that?"

Was I up to it? No. I really wasn't. I didn't want to have anything to do with him. I wanted to curl up in my old bed two years ago, breathing in the scent of pine needles and faint coal dust. I wanted to have Buttercup hissing at me, but sitting at the feet of Primrose. I wanted to be able to wake up at the crack of dawn with a distinct purpose and be able to feel alive again, I wanted to go back to the way things were.

With an unsteady glare at him (it could have been cross-eyed, I wasn't sure), I opened my mouth to say something, but all of a sudden, it was like a baseball got shot down my throat. It clogged up immediately, forcing hot tears and a sob out.

Mother looked like she was going to cry, too, and she touched my cheek. "You're going to be okay, Katniss. It will all be fine."

What did that even mean any more? So many times I've been promised that. I'll be okay, Katniss. You're fine. We'll get through this. Everything is okay. Words like those get tossed around so frivolously. Words have become so meaningless; people let them slide through their fingers like coins, without even pausing to think the value of this language. No one realized what the words "I love you" meant. People throw the word "hate" around like it's nothing, but they don't know the real meaning. People don't stop and face reality. "What would happen if it wasn't going to be okay? What if…you won't get through it?"

I squeezed my eyes, wanting the world to go away. But of course, it didn't. I was aware of arms sliding carefully under my frail figure, hoisting me up into the air. There was nothing I could do. And before I knew it, I was leaving the warmth of the house; frigid rain pelted down upon my face, and I breathed its clean scent in. If only everything in nature was that pure…

For a moment I let the ice penetrate my body, then the world swayed beneath me and I was carried up the steps. And once again, I was brought into the warmth and shelter of another house. I got carried through the living room, past the kitchen, up the narrow wooden stairs, and before I knew it, I was being gently set down on soft blankets.

"Katniss?" He sat down next to me, eyes trying to bore like lasers into my own.

Leave me alone….

"Katniss, please open your eyes."

I couldn't. If I did, tears would pour out again.

A sigh. "Well, you're soaking wet, and I didn't bother getting any extra clothing from your house, so how about you borrow some of mine?"

I still didn't answer. I was starting to shake violently; shivers that raked up and down my body chattered my teeth together loudly, but I refused to do anything but sit there. There were so many emotions boiling in my chest right now, I couldn't focus in on one of them alone. So instead of searching my head and finding answers, I didn't do anything at all. What was that point?

"Katniss, we could do this the easy way-" Oh, jeez. He wasn't actually doing this, right? The easy way or the hard way… Ugh. Just, please leave me in peace… I don't want you right now… "—or my way."

This made no sense to me. I didn't know the easy way or his way. Heck he can do whatever he wants in any way he wants. I couldn't care less… I effortlessly shut my body off. But somehow…the tears kept coming. I didn't know when they got there, conjured from nothing, but they were there, and obviously not stopping any time soon.

I apparently didn't get any time to choose, because he had already made up his mind. Of course, I didn't give a crap when I found myself being plucked clean, dried off, and dressed with hands other than my own. And—for the first time in forever—I actually didn't care for the clean cotton scent of his T-shirts. I didn't allow myself to miss it. The teeth biting down on my tongue hurt so much I cried even more. The pain blocked everything out for a moment.

There was a quiet one-minute pause, where we were allowed time to breathe. But evidently, we didn't even get to do that.

A loud yell of frustration cut short the not-so-awkward silence.

"Why are you doing this to yourself, Katniss?" His voice rang through the quiet room. "What is this accomplishing? I want—" He sucked in a sharp, and obviously painful, breath. "God, just be okay."

The hush between us now was more painful than anything. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should try. And maybe I was a punch-dancing ninety-year-old with Peter Pan hiding in my closet, cussing me out for not staying in Neverland with him. I felt like breaking something very valuable and maybe burning a house or two down.

"Katniss,"

Oh, God, no. That tone of voice… Burning tears formed under my eyelids, leaving me no choice but to open them and stare directly into the face of what I was trying to get away from. This boy, this ragged, torn, emotionally mess of a boy in front of me was the cause of everything. My pain. My five months of agony. My waiting for him to come for me, but I was always disappointed. He was my pain. But also my drug. I needed him, but being with him hurt too much. What was a girl to do?

Break down and cry, of course. For the millionth time.

The shameful tears that had forced me open my eyes came right out and slid down both cheeks in anguished sobs.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings' horses,

And all the kings' men,

Couldn't put Humpty back together again…

There I was, crying my eyes out, hoping to die, torn between loving this boy more than anything and hating him for all he was worth, wearing his clothes that he put on me, sitting in his bed, and all that came into my head was that stupid little nursery rhyme. The stupidness just made me cry even more.

Arms went around me and hot tears fell into my hair. The sound of weeping flowed out the open window and echoed into the woods.

Peeta clutched me to his chest and refused to let go. That was fine with me, of course, because I wanted to be here in his arms. Part of me was just mush, concentrating on crying. But the other part of me felt so guilty. Guilty I had left without a proper goodbye, guilty I had tried to kill myself. Guilty he had to get his heart smashed to pieces before I listened to him. Guilty because I had refused his love after six months of being torn without me. But I was going to make up for it. As soon as I regained sanity.

For two hours our tears lasted, and at the beginning of the third, I had stopped sobbing enough to take a breath. Oxygen scraped into my lungs and I resisted the urge to cry again because it hurt. Peeta was well done with crying by then, and when I taken a shaky breath, he reached up one hand to brush a piece of hair away from my forehead.

By then I was completely exhausted, physically and mentally from the horrible day I had just had. I wanted to lace my fingers with his and tell him I'm there, but I couldn't. So I just focused on keeping my breathing even as I felt Peeta's fingers keep caressing my face gently. He didn't say anything, though. And it was only until then I realized how loud silence is.

The pain, the torture, everything we went through together broke us to bits and pieces. And who knows if we'll ever be the same? I know I won't. Nothing ever will be, in my opinion. But what does that matter? I have what I need.

My pride.

My sanity (meaning utter lack thereof)

My family.

And I didn't forget the most important piece to the puzzle called Katniss Everdeen. I had my Peeta, and that was all right with me. For now.