Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Cool? Cool.

1

First Sparkle

I once knew a bleary-eyed girl named Bella Swan. She was a total spazz—like her last name was some kind of sick joke her ancestors decided to play on her because I swear the girl didn't have a graceful bone in her body. I have no idea why the boys all came to her yard. I mean, my milkshake was clearly better than hers—creamier, colder, and easier to suck through a straw.

Of course, I understand the appeal of a new girl from a place so foreign and distant. Forks is my kingdom, but even I can admit that nothing of note happens here. But when Mike started making googly eyes at her, she became a mild annoyance. Sure, I was nice to her. I didn't let on that she was slowly crossing over to the side of my list where few have ever returned. I am nothing if not well mannered. It's one of those small town queen bee clichés I'm obligated to fulfill.

The Mike thing I could let go. Mike was average. Mike was decent looking. Mike was my back up plan, but Edward Cullen? Edward Cullen was my fantasy. And when a girl takes both your fantasy and your back up plan, it becomes an issue of dignity.

Sure, Edward was mysterious and brooding and I swore I once saw him sparkle when a stray ray of light hit his skin. But that was all part of his charm and I was willing to except him for all of him…even the borderline metrosexual parts of him. I mean if a man that gorgeous wants to use glitter body spray, I will not be the woman to say he can't.

So yeah, I kind of lost my center at the beginning of my junior year. I'm not going to lie. And I might have completely lost myself half-way through, become a hardened criminal, and used lip gloss as eye shadow, but who are you to judge me? So what if I killed Bella Swan? I did what needed to be done.

Was it bloody? Yeah.

Tragic? To some.

Sparkly? It wouldn't be Jessica Stanley crime without sparkles, sluts.

!-!-!

It's really no surprise that this whole mess began with a lingering look across a cafeteria with a mediocre menu and flickering florescent lights. Edward was staring at her from his seat among the royals also known as the Cullen table. And if he wasn't staring at her, she was staring at him. She would look over at him and he would look away, brooding. Then she would look away and he would stare at her again. Did I mention that Edward was always brooding? I'm pretty sure if our school offered a class in brooding, Edward would be the only man truly qualified to teach it, but he was hot so it was cool.

My left eye twitched. They weren't even a couple at that point, but they bothered me.

Bella looked at Edward again.

"Bella," I said. "Don't even think about it."

I figured I'd save her the energy, but trust me: it wasn't an act of charity.

She looked at me. "Huh?"

"The Cullens. They don't associate with anyone at this school. Especially Edward..." I trailed.

Eric chimed in. "Yeah, he turned Jessica down before she could even bat her squinty little eyes at him. It was Forks history—a truly magical moment."

Eric had a faraway look in his eyes as if reliving the moment. I huffed, snapping him out of his sick little daydream. Eric had always been kind of a toolbox, but we'd been friends since…a long time, so I tolerated him. But moments like these made me want to string him up by his unnaturally long eyelashes to the top of the flagpole.

"That's a funny joke about my eyes being squinty, Asian."

He knew how I was about my secret humiliations. I liked them to stay secret. As far as the rest of the student body was concerned, I was a capable, somewhat vapid, volleyball champion—the face of the people. What I lacked in brains, I made up for in cup size.

"Low blow, Stanley. Low blow," Eric said, covering his face with his hands.

"You don't have to be racist, Jessica," Mike said. "Look, now he's all self-conscious."

Eric had never been self-conscious a day in his life. In fifth grade, when both his pants and his underwear fell down during the talent show in the middle of his rousing performance of the "Sun Will Shine," he continued to sing…with bravado even while every girl in the room bawled her eyes out, me included. And I don't know about the others, but my tears had nothing to do with the high note Eric hit at the end.

"Look, all I wanted was a pencil. I wasn't asking for the guy's hand in marriage."

"I don't know, Jessica," Eric said, scratching his acne-ridden chin. "I saw his face and he was pretty freaked out."

Bella sat observing our conversation silently. After an obvious lull in the conversation, she kind of giggled nervously.

"I, uh, no. I wasn't…like…thinking about uh…hooking up with Edward. Not my type," she said looking down with this small little infuriating smile. She pulled on a strand of her dishwater brown hair.

Even at that point in our relationship, I found her to be…gross.

Mike pounced on the opportunity to wiggle his way into Bella's good graces with a little of what he liked to call the "Mikey magic." There was actually very little magic involved; just eyebrow waggling and shameless flattery. I'd been there. I was there, just a day before—before Bella Swan. I smirked at Angela. She just kind of shrugged noncommittally and pushed her glasses farther up her nose. I could see her nursing psychobabble theories in her head about my behavior. By the end of the day she would have a full psychological analysis for me, typed.

Angela was that kid.

"How about me, Bella…am I your type?" Mike asked. The signature eyebrow waggle was not too far behind.

Mike was just so boring. I could always predict him.

That's why when the bell rang I could predict him pretending to act cool in front of Bella—nonchalant as if his relationship with our biology teacher was a good one—as if he could afford a tardy. I could predict that he would offer to carry her junk to class and that he'd smile his most charming smile. I could predict that Bella would refuse his offer and generally look uncomfortable.

Because for all of Mike's forced charm, even Bella (who was probably mentally challenged) could tell there was nothing underneath.

But he was still my shallow shell of a human being and I would be damned if I let Bella Swan have anything that rightfully belonged to me.

A/N: If you're one of the people who started reading this three or four years ago, hi. Thank you so much for coming back even though I had every intention of completely abandoning this. (I bring dishonor to my penname and to my cow.)

If you're wondering what happened to Joss, my grumpy little OC, I dumped her in a ravine. Her motivation was just too thin and everything was unraveling. Nothing was making a whole lot of sense. It was okay because this is a parody and Twilight doesn't always make sense, but Joss was just...too difficult to write. I really did try to write chapter 7. In fact, I have four different drafts of it lying about, but it wasn't working. Joss does not belong in Twilight; she's just too hostile to the whole idea of...socialization and she needs an entirely different story arc period (maybe you'll see her around). Plus, I realized Jessica has so much potential and she actually does belong because she's a CC. So, I tried rewriting it from her perspective and I don't know...it just works for me.

So that's what's happening. I hope you stick with me. Your support, jokes, and constructive criticism have meant a lot even though I return the favor by taking three whole years to update. But hey, better late than never, right?

And if you're new, hello. Welcome to the insanity.