INTRODUCTION

THE WAY I AM

...This [book] is for anyone who...

Fuck it

Shut up and listen...

I guess you could call this an autobiography. It's from my point of view and it's about my life. Now what else does an autobiography require…oh yeah. I'm a celebrity. Now don't get excited; I'm not one of those party-maniacs/drug-addicts you read about in magazines – at least, I hope I'm not. And don't go thinking that this book will be chock-full of drug use and domestic abuse like Eminem and Michael Jackson. This story is about me: Diana Maia Jones, a perfectly normal teenage student who Jasmine happened to take a shine to – and who went to the finals, only to crash and burn on Live TV, of all places. What am I talking about, you ask? The X Factor.

So many people have asked me over the years, if fame is all it's cracked up to be. I tell them it is, because if they wanted the whole truth; what fame really is, I'd have to talk and talk and never stop. Jasmine took pity on me, giving me this notebook, so now I'm going to tell you, God, what the definition of fame is.

I didn't believe in you until I met Chris, the boy who is the reason that I am writing this. As I call him discreetly in one of my songs, 'The Guy Without A Heart'. He showed me so much – among other things, why people worship you. It's nothing to do with the fact that they want to 'purify their souls', or 'spread the good word of you'. Just believing that there is a big guy in the clouds watching over us makes it easier to slog through the days, knowing that there is something better waiting for us when the inevitable happens. I don't know if Chris feels this way; if thinking you are up there helps him exist, even with an empty space where his heart should be. Maybe he truly does get the whole 'religion' lark. Certainly, he endeavoured to convert Protestant Lorane to Catholicism for a whole week before giving up and focusing on my beliefs instead.

Here's where I have to be honest. I loved Chris. Just – and here is the cliché that has been handed down for centuries; that no-one ever believes, but which is as true as when the first celebrity used it to protest their innocence in the game of threesomes – not in that way. Who I didlove in that way was my at the time five-month boyfriend, Dennis. I figured if Chris didn't want me anymore, I'd always have him as a backstop. Ha. Men are no more trustworthy than women, when it comes to the crunch. And it will always, some way, come to the crunch.

I wonder if you ever loved anyone. I mean in the way that makes you want to reach into their chest and take their heart, just so it will belong to you. Maybe it was Mary (who my Irish granny named me for) all along, and since you could never have her, you got your ultimate revenge: knocked her up. Guess you're just as bad as the rest of them. I have issues with that beautiful Bible story of the first Christmas. I mean, all the time Mary was preggers, wearing loose smocks to hide her shame and riding on a donkey so her royal-blue robes (apparently the highest honour in those days) would not brush the ground, Joseph never said a word. Didn't it bother him that you had, effectively, pinched his woman? Didn't he curse the man who had done to this to his wife and left him with the consequences? Then again, maybe he was just a really nice guy.

12 X FACTOR FINALISTS REVEALED

Yes, the long wait appears to be over, and we have been presented with our finalists, which include the unique Diana Jones, controversial Triple K and loveable Irish lad Chris Demure.

We seem to have a good range of old-life stories this year: recovered junkie, formerly suicidal singleton – and even Siamese twins! Yes, the judges have outdone themselves in selecting objects of interest…but can they sing?

Well, we'll have to wait 'til next Saturday when our contestants will be pitted against each other in a merciless battle to find the one who's got…the X Factor.

And so it begins.