A/N: Hello, everyone! So here is the promised update. My internet is being really slow though, so I hope this goes properly. I'm hoping to get this story done by September, so updates are (hopefully) going to be really frequent. So I'll see you again next week. Enjoy, be safe, I love you and all that jazz.
Thank you to: tfobmv18, Jade2099, not important, and JRRTFrk for reviewing
Chapter 22: It's Going to be Alright
Draco:
The next few weeks were absolutely gruelling. Though in the past I had been absent for far longer than a month in empty psychosis, this had been a year in which I had actually decided to over commit myself at work. Soon, they had began to depend on me, my actual presence at the office. And I, being the idiot who fell madly in love with a curly haired Gryffindor, thought all the empty days were behind me.
It was a really stupid thing to have done. The more that I remembered over the weeks that followed, the flashbacks that wormed their way into my consciousness, all made me guiltier than I'd ever been before. To have done that to someone as trusting as Hermione didn't sit well with my already overburdened conscience.
So, slowly, I tried to make amends.
This unfortunately meant seeing a mediwitch on the psychotherapy floor at the General New York Witches and Wizards Medical Treatment Centre. The GMTC. For most people, the crazy bureaucracies, uncaring doctors, screaming from floors you'd probably never heard of – and of course... the crazies that needed "rehabilitating", was a complete nightmare.
For me, it was penance.
My first appointment with my mediwitch on the 6th floor of a very intimidating building was on a Saturday. The skies had been an overbearing grey, almost smelling of rain, but the clouds had held back on us that morning. Hermione had offered to come with me, but I had declined. This wa something I'd have to do alone. I'd already subjected her to enough misery.
So, I let her kiss me off on my way from the entrance of our (her) apartment. That was how I found myself standing outside a heavy wooden door of my soon to be therapist, too afraid to knock.
My appointment time came and went, ticking away on my wristwatch. I knew if I didn't work up the courage to knock soon I'd be in deep shit. I had promised Hermione and myself that I'd do this. It was for my own good... Wasn't the first step to therapy admitting that you need help?
Come on, Draco. You can do it, I coached myself in my head.
I CAN'T DO IT. You know how these people are... they don't fucking care. Run, run while you can!
You're talking to yourself, idiot. You need help.
"This is nonsense," I muttered to myself when five minutes had passed. It would be fine. Hermione had said it would be fine. So I raised my hand and knocked.
"Come in," I heard, immediately. Taking in a deep breath and wetting my lips with the tip of my tongue, I opened the door and stopped right in my tracks. I couldn't believe my eyes. After all these years... who knew how long the past would come to haunt me? As if God, the fates, whatever the fuck was up there – Merlin? – hadn't fucked with me enough over the years!
It was Looney fucking Lovegood sitting behind a desk that was much too big for her.
"I...I'm sorry, I think I have the wrong room. Um... Sorry about that." Mentally slapping myself on the head for being so idiotic – I mean, Malfoys never say um! – I made my way to move out and shut the door when she gestured for me to stop. It was more of an uncaring wave of her hand than anything else.
"Have a seat Mr. Sebastian Dominique. Or do you prefer Draco Malfoy?" She smiled at my expression. Her voice was serene, almost calming, but mostly it just unsettled me. Her gaze penetrated right through my body as if I were not really there. Oddly, it reminded me of Dumbledore.
I hadn't paid much attention to her back at Hogwarts, but now, in this most unusual setting, I realized she had the strangest blue eyes. Piercing, yet distant all at the same time. Her hair and stature had stayed the same, though. Long, wavy white blonde hair I remembered clearly, on a very small girl. Though I suppose she was much more a woman now...
"Don't worry," she said, startling me out of my observations. "Everything is confidential, of course. I, personally, have no aims to out your true identity to the American people."
Well... what was I suppose to say to that? Thanks for keeping my secret safe? I felt like I was a fucking superhero caught red handed. Batman? Spiderman? Well, I suppose in this scenario, I'd be more of the villain. Instead of acting like an unmasked perpetrator, I just nodded mutely. She smiled in her calm way but it didn't ease my nervousness. It only made me want to leave. I couldn't talk to her about...things! She had been a prisoner in my goddamn dungeons!
"I have your files here from all your previous therapists. It seems you haven't been very cooperative or...consistent with your therapy over the past few years when your particular symptoms developed," she said, pausing as if to assess my reaction. "Would you like to tell me what they are?"
I stared at her for a moment, blankly. Would I like to tell Luna Lovegood that I couldn't handle what the war did to me, so I pushed it all away to the back of my mind? "No," I said, bluntly. She didn't seem to be phased at my short answer. I paused, trying to come up with how to get out of this awkward situation. Finally, I decided on, "I don't think...that this is very appropriate."
She looked up from my file and nodded at me. "I had a suspicion that you would think that." Her smile, that irritatingly serene smile, seemed to be permanently plastered to her face and it was annoying me. Didn't she understand? How was I meant to get into things of the past with this person? She had been there. She should have known better.
I stood up. "You knew who I was. You should have deferred me to a person who can actually treat me. This was a mistake," I finished. "I'm sorry to have wasted your time, Ms. Lovegood."
When my hand touched the door knob of her obscenely heavy office door, she spoke up, "Everyone has suffered from the war, Mr. Malfoy, some more than others. What happened to you, me and everyone else couldn't have been helped." I sighed, turned the knob and made my way out. I didn't need her to tell me what happened was out of my control. That was the issue. It shouldn't have been out of my control. I should have been able to say: no, fuck you, I don't believe in this bullshit!
But I hadn't.
"I can see that you are in pain, Draco," she called after me. I stopped to listen. "I can help ease that pain, if you are interested." I didn't have anything to say to that, not that it was unusual to be tongue tied. What was she suggesting, that I just open up and put everything onto her tiny lap? "I know you're interested. You asked for the best healer on staff."
So I did the only thing I could have done in such a situation. I turned around to face her, inclined my head and made to leave.
"See you next Saturday!" she called after me in a cheery voice. As if she'd fucking won or something.
The bloody blonde was obscene!
I practically ran out of the building, not that it was easy. Finding my way out of the labyrinths of corridors was no easy feat, but eventually I managed. When I pushed my way through the huge metal doors of the dreary stone grey building, I took in gulps of fresh air. Well, as fresh as New York can be with all that smog.
It had been suffocating in there... or perhaps I had just forgotten to breathe with all of the tension around me. Either way, I stood there taking in huge gulps of air as if my life depended on it. I was slightly dizzy, even a little nauseas. How was I going to do this every week? Shivering, I leaned against a stone railing, closing my eyes. Even here the air felt heavy.
"Draco?"
A pair of arms made their way around my waist and I didn't need to open my eyes to know that Hermione had come to make sure I was okay. It made my heart clench. After all I'd done to this woman, here she was...
"What are you doing here?" I finally asked when I could trust myself to speak normally. "I thought you were going to read... You didn't need to come. I'm fine, really," I assured her, but all the same I held her tighter to me not even daring to open my eyes in case I found that she wasn't actually really there. Now that would be messed up, wouldn't it?
"You shouldn't have to do this alone, Draco," she said to me.
And it was true, I realized. I wasn't alone anymore. She hadn't left even after all I'd done to her, so perhaps there was hope. And so, as it finally started raining, drenching us to the core, I couldn't help but feel as if I'd been given a brilliant second chance. And as we made our way back home, it felt as though the rain wasn't just washing away grime off the city streets, but also some of my sins.
Maybe it really was going to be alright.
Hermione: 2 weeks later
While things with Draco were slowly improving (in truth, we had never been closer than we were now), things at the ministry were at their all time low. It had never been worse for me, not in England and definitely not here. It had even been better when I used to be a British nobody, transferred to the New York ministry.
But now, it was as if there was a price on my head.
Work had always been pretty useless. I hadn't ever had much of a real job to do. But now, the tasks became even more fruitless and in part, this was because of the gossip that had spread. People had noticed that Zara and I had a falling out. Whether this was because of their own observations or because of rumours that she or her little friends (that she had acquired out of my fame) spread, I didn't know. It was probably a little bit of both.
We no longer ate lunch together and she blatantly ignored me in the hallways. If she saw me, she turned and walked the other way with a clear expression of disgust on her face. On one occasion that this had happened, her ex husband had been present. His smirk had been so broad; he could've resembled a Cheshire cat.
It was what he had wanted all along.
I had no friends at the ministry and anyone that did associate with me really only wanted some favour or another that I could grant. But even my reach at the ministry was fading. Rumours had spread that Draco and I weren't going to be together much longer and therefore – I wouldn't have much use left anymore. People said that his interest from me had wandered ("What did he even see in her in the first place?") and that he was practically already in the market. Line up, ladies!
It was obviously bullshit, but it still hurt. When I told Draco about these occurrences he would act shocked and try everything in his power to make me laugh. I knew he wouldn't leave me for a blonde bimbo... but every girl wonders. Does he really love me? He could practically have any girl in the world. Why choose me? It's not even as if I'm all that pretty or going anywhere special in life like everyone thought I would.
It was on a really sunny but cold Thursday that I found myself doing groceries with Draco. It was on these occasions that I felt comfortable to say that I actually had a proper boyfriend. It was comfortable. It was also one of the things we had started to do together for no reason in particular. Besides, if I'd let him do it alone we'd be eating cake and boloney sandwiches for an entire week.
Men.
In the fruit section, he was contemplating the freshness of a pile of apples when I suddenly realized I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't deserve to suffer something so stupid. I deserved to be happy!
"Draco, I can't do this anymore!" He looked up a little surprised. He wasn't the only one. I'd been a little louder than I had intended... Blushing, I pulled him away from the apples.
"Do...what exactly?" he asked, nervously. I felt bad for startling him. "We can do the groceries another day if you like..."
I shook my head. "Not this."
"Then what? Is it me?" He stood there, clearly concerned and scratching his head in the most adorable way possible that I couldn't help but laugh. "What?"
"No... I was talking about the ministry. It's too much. I will not be ostracized!" I said, stomping my foot indignantly. When he laughed at me, I stuck my tongue out at him and went to pick up a loaf of bread. "And for laughing, you get to carry the bags all by yourself, darling."
"I'm glad you're quitting," he said to me when I came back to put the bread into our trolley. "It's always been a horrible job, I've told you."
That stopped me. Quitting? That thought hadn't occurred to me. I couldn't just quit..."I can't just quit!"
He looked at me oddly. "Then what were you suggesting?" I didn't know what I was suggesting and he seemed to sense that. "You shouldn't have to put up with a job that you don't like, love. Like me, for example. All the things that I don't want to do are done by other people." He laughed again when I rolled my eyes and kissed my cheek before moving on to another isle.
I hurried after him. "But... I can't not just work anymore."
"Hm? You can get a new job," he said a little distractedly. "Hey, do we have jelly?"
I nodded. "But then where will I work?"
He shrugged. "If all else fails, you can always come work with me," he suggested.
And thus, on an unremarkable Thursday afternoon, Draco Malfoy had convinced me to get a move on in my life. I was no longer going to work at the Ministry of Magic. After all this time, who knew it'd only take a slight push from a blond ferret?
Go figure.
/
That Friday was my last day at the ministry. I gave in my resignation, cleared out my desk, finished the last few meaningless tasks that were left and I was done for the day before lunch had even rolled around.
I hadn't told anyone that I was leaving but the news had still managed to spread somehow. A few people came to say goodbye, most of them took it as a sign that my career and life with Draco were probably finished. I just dealt with them all with the biggest genuine smile I could muster.
And since I was leaving it was a big fucking smile, indeed.
The one thing I had been postponing was facing Zara and saying goodbye to her. I knew she had said that she never wanted to speak to me again, and she had made it clear that she was willing to go to any lengths to keep it that way, but she had made my year in New York bearable. She had been there before Draco. I owed it to her.
It happened by accident. I had been in the loo after lunch when I heard her and another girl walk in. They spoke of mundane things until I popped up in the conversation. That, of course, was inevitable. I was the talk of this place, unfortunately.
"So, did you hear that tramp was leaving?" said the girl. Insipid bitch.
"Who?" asked Zara.
"You know who. Granger." There was a pause. Perhaps it was just me but it felt like a very awkward pause. "Aren't you glad and all?" the girl asked, obviously trying to break the silence. "Now the bitch can't mess up your life anymore-"
"Excuse me," Zara interrupted. "You're just being really rude, right now. So maybe I'll see you after I'm done working, okay?" But I knew Zara. I knew that tone of voice. She would probably never speak to that girl ever again and somewhere in my heart, I felt hope that she was still my friend.
"Um... okay..." said the girl. Eventually, I heard the door close, and I just hoped it wasn't Zara that had left. I heard a sigh and decided that it was going to be now or never. So, barring myself for the confrontation, I opened the stall door.
Zara was standing there, staring at herself blankly in the mirror. When she caught my reflection, I saw shock filter over her features. "Erm...Hi," I started. It was better than nothing, right? Zara just nodded.
"So it's true that you're leaving?" This time I just nodded.
She ignored me for the longest time. It was clear that she was waiting for me to say something. I leaned against the counter, looking at her, but she refused to look back at me, opting instead to stare at me through the mirror. "I'm sorry, Zara."
"I don't want to hear it," she said, immediately. I nodded, again. I could respect that.
"I just wanted you to know it," I told her. "You were really good to me and I want you to know that I will miss you. Thank you, Zara. You're a really good friend." She wouldn't look at me, of course, that much I had already discerned, but she couldn't hide the fact that she was crying. "Goodbye, Zara." And with that, I left.
When I came home and found Draco sprawled over my couch, waiting for me with dinner. I knew that even though Zara would probably never talk to me again and that I'd be starting a new chapter of my life soon, everything was going to be okay.
It's going to be alright.
A/N: Unsigned Reviews
Jade2099: Lucidity indeed! I'm so sorry for making you cry! Really, I am. But I'm glad I'm good enough to invoke such a strong emotion from my readers. While it's unhealthy for Draco and Hermione to be together, it's probably the healthiest relationship they'll ever find together if you know what I mean? No one else can fulfill either one of them to the extent that they do each other. And in the future there will be a higher purpose for them to be together, so stay tuned! I'm glad you enjoyed.
Not Important: I'm always glad to know that people are reading but at the same time utterly sad that so many people don't like interacting with authors. But it's okay! Whatever floats your boat. Thank you for reading. : )