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Chapter 12

EPOV

"Thank you for staying the week with me, Bella. It's been..." How do I tell her what I'm feeling without ruining her? Whatever I say will either hurt her or give her hope and I'm not sure which is worse. "It's been the best week of my existence."

I close the penthouse door behind me before leaning back against it. She's probably confused and pissed now but I had to tell her something. I want her to know that what she's feeling isn't one-sided; I care for her far more than I should but I can't give myself to her completely, and I refuse to allow her to give herself to me without knowing the truth about what I am.

I wasn't lying; this past week truly was the best I'd ever had...right up until Bella kissed me. Fuck, that kiss! That glorious moment when she placed her lips on mine changed me forever. I knew she was going to kiss me and, although she was breaking our mutual rule, I let her. I wanted it. I still want it.

Clenching my fists so tightly my poisoned bones nearly break, I push myself away from the door and quickly walk down the hall. If I don't leave now, I never will - and I have to. I have to clear my head and figure out a way to deal with the feelings that are flooding my body, feelings I haven't felt in many years.

When Bella kissed me, it was the best type of torture. She gave me her desire and love but I had to break away before I infected her with my desperation and misery. I'm not sure where I found the strength to leave her embrace but I'm thankful I did. One more second, one more flick of her tongue on mine and her blood would be surging through my veins right now. Maybe I would've been able to stop before I drained her completely but I'm not willing to find out.

Immediately my mind is filled with images of Bella underneath me, red-eyed and magnificent. Would she be happy? I'm not sure. To have Bella by my side for eternity would be my greatest desire but I can't afford to dream. The reality is that she would certainly hate me for putting her through constant purgatory just to satisfy my personal desires. I wouldn't blame her; it's nothing more than I deserve.

Every step that takes me further from Bella is pure agony. My instincts should be giving me the push I need to escape, to flee from her forever but, instead, I feel like a magnet being pulled toward her without my consent. I fight the compulsion to return to Bella so valiantly that my vision blurs and I've no idea where I'm heading.

When my body finally comes to a stop, I feel as though I've fought - not a battle - but an entire war single-handedly. An exhaustion I barely remember as a human settles in my bones, and I feel weighed down by grief and loneliness. I try to remind myself that I knew the risks when I hired Bella the second time but I truly had no idea that pain on this level existed.

There's only one person who can help me now.

I look at the door in front of me and know that, second only to Bella's arms, I'm at the right place.

Before I can knock, the door opens and a strong hand pulls me inside.

"Come in, my son." The words greet me like water in the desert and I can only reply, "Help me, Carlisle."

~~~~~~BD~~~~~~

I was thirty years old when I was bitten and changed into a vampire. The year was 1977 and life was great. Even though I came from a wealthy family, I had money of my own and I spent it on every vice imaginable. Alcohol, weed, and prostitutes were my favorite pastimes, but I never let them affect my career as a businessman.

Until I met Jane, that is.

I'd had another wild night in Seattle at my favorite bar with some friends when I decided to walk home instead of hailing a taxi. I noticed her immediately. Long, wavy blonde hair, a tight dress and high heels lured me in just like every other hooker in the city had before, but there was something different about her. She oozed power and sex appeal and I knew our evening together would be incredible.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

The sex was incredible, sure, but when Jane took the skin of my throat into her mouth and bit down, releasing what I now know was venom into my bloodstream, a ferocious pain overtook me, making me beg for death. Death didn't take me but, when I awoke three days later, I was most certainly no longer alive.

Jane was waiting for me with another woman. Without saying a word to me, she ran the sharp nail of her thumb across the stranger's throat, cutting it open and letting the blood pour out. The intense burning in my throat caused me to react on instinct and I caught the woman's blood in my mouth before it reached her breasts.

To say that Jane was pleased with me was an understatement. She showed me this new world where I had power beyond measure and I embraced it without question. It wasn't long after my change that Jane told me she loved me and that we were mated for life. I didn't question her because I was thankful she'd chosen me to share her world and I told her I loved her as well.

My first few months as a vampire were filled with traveling, drinking, and fucking. I had no worries and no responsibilities; I felt like a king and Jane was my queen. That thought was further ingrained in me when Jane told me she wanted to build a vampire army. She was paranoid that other vamps would try to stake their claim on the Seattle area so she decided to create new vampires whose sole purpose was to fight for her. For us. She'd always said it was 'for us' and claimed that, when our enemies were taken care of, she and I would rule the underworld she'd created.

Like a fool, I believed her.

In the two years that Jane and I were together, I'd seen more death and destruction than anyone should ever have to see. With the new vamps that Jane created, we were able to destroy any stranger who came near the Pacific Northwest area easily. After a few months of fighting, though, she'd become distrusting of her creations. We'd kill them all, and then she'd make more.

Jane was power-hungry and wanted to expand our territory into the surrounding states but I refused. I'd grown bored of fighting, scheming, and hiding; I wanted to experience more than that. I wanted more of what she and I had at the beginning of my new life. We weren't living like royalty, we were living like savages and I wanted out.

Of course, it wasn't easy to leave. Jane begged me to stay; she said we could move away and start over but I knew she was lying. She enjoyed winning too much but, in the end, she was the one to lose.

The night I decided to leave her for good, Jane used every one of her tricks on me. She tried to seduce me, intimidate me, and manipulate me but I was past caring about her or anything she did. When she was at the end of her rope, she tried to kill me. Her desperation clouded her judgment and, before she could lay a finger on me, I ripped her head off and threw it in a nearby fire. After tearing her body apart and burning it, I simply wandered. I walked for miles upon miles until I finally looked up and saw a man warily watching me.

I could tell he was like me - a vampire - but there was something different about him. His scent was strange - woodsy and fresh - and his eyes were a color that I'd never seen before. He slowly approached me with his hands held up in earnest and introduced himself.

"I'm Carlisle," he said. "And, you are?"

My curiosity overruled my brain and without thinking, I answered, "I'm Edward. Where am I?"

Carlisle smiled. "You're in Alaska, Edward, and you're safe."

I looked at our surroundings and saw things I hadn't seen in two years: a bright blue sky and a shining sun. Jane had led me to believe that we couldn't go out in the daylight because it made us weak; but there I stood, basking in the sun's rays and I felt renewed. Reborn, even.

I spent the next three years with Carlisle and he rebuked everything Jane had ever taught me. He showed me that vampires could live off animals rather than humans, which is what caused the strange eye color; once our thirst was under control, we could live among humans peacefully. That's not to say it was an easy transition. I had many slip-ups and rebellious moments but over the course of time, I found myself trying harder to succeed, wanting to succeed.

When I reached a point where I felt I could return to Seattle on my own, Carlisle gave me his blessing. He never once tried to hold me back or scold me for my failures; now, here he sits listening to me describe my time with Bella with interest, not judgment.

"What do I do, Carlisle?"

He's quiet for only a few minutes but it feels like an eternity when he finally answers with a question of his own.

"What do you want to do, Edward?"

Rage fills my body as I stand up and look down at my father figure. "If I knew what I wanted, I wouldn't fucking be here!"

Ever patient with me, Carlisle speaks calmly, "You do know what you want; you want Bella. What you're struggling with is how you want her. Do you want her to stay a human or do you want to change her? Either way, you'll have to tell her exactly what you are and that is what you're truly afraid of."

He's right. Of course, he's right.

I sit back down and pinch the bridge of my nose. "How can I tell her what I am? She'll think I'm a monster and want nothing to do with me. She'd be right, of course, and I wouldn't blame her for her reaction but then what?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do I just let her go?"

"Do you think she'd tell someone you're a vampire?"

"Carlisle, I don't give a shit about that. No one would believe her anyway. What I mean is..." I have to stop talking so I can calm myself down. My jaw clenches and my fists are tight because I'm realizing just how deep I'm in with Bella with every word I speak to Carlisle. It still doesn't make my decision any easier. "It was absolute torture leaving her this morning. I don't think I can do it again and survive. Even if she ordered me away, I'd stay just to watch over her."

"You love her."

He doesn't ask, he states. His words are simple and light, yet weigh heavily on my soul, as if all the sand in the sea is being poured onto my chest. This is not how love is supposed to feel. I remember enough of my previous life to know that. What I have is an obsession and an unhealthy desire to control and claim Bella, nothing more.

I can't sit still any longer so I begin to pace, ignoring Carlisle's watchful eyes.

I'm vile and repulsive. I only take what I want and never think of others first. I'm a murderer, for fuck's sake! There's nothing lovable about me so how could I ever love someone? Suddenly, image after image of Bella floods my brain: smiling, naked - underneath me and above me - sleeping, kissing me. I grab the sides of my head and squeeze, desperate for relief but not wanting the pictures to stop. My other senses decide to get involved and I hear her laugh and her moans, I smell her arousal and her blood. I feel her silky hair and delicately soft skin and I can taste her. Oh, God, her taste! I want more. I want it all. But can I have it? Do I have the right to ask for it, the right to ask for her?

I have to tell her what I am.

What if I scare her away? It's the smartest reaction and will keep her safe. I should want for this to happen.

What if she wants someone else? No! She's mine!

What if she wants me? Do I dare to hope?

She's shown me nothing but kindness and as much affection as I'd allow but, of course, I paid her for it. She wasn't going to take the money this morning, though, and I wonder why. She's taken everything I've given her and then she gave it all back to me with one kiss. I knew in that moment that I had to have her forever but I was trying not to admit it to myself. Now it's all I can think about.

"I love Bella."

When the words leave my mouth, I feel every grain of sand being washed away from my chest. I feel so light I'd swear I was breathing.

This is what love feels like.

A/Ns:

Jiff - Hellllooooooo from Texas!

Jenny Kate: I can't believe these are your first A/Ns from Texas!

Jiff: I know! It feels really weird...like, REALLY weird. But, the important thing is that we now know how our Edward came to be our VampWard!

Jenny Kate: Yes! It's so weird, because I forget that our readers don't know what we know until we tell them. LOL. So, I'm glad that they now know his past! What do you guys think?

Jiff: I hope it lived up to everyone's expectations! I also hope no one is too upset about Jane being dead. LMAO! Yeah, I could barely type that with a straight face, sorry.

Jenny Kate: I almost spit my coffee out when I read it. Who the eff cares about Jane? There are just certain characters from The Saga that I have no love for and she's one of them.

Jiff: I totally agree. Jane, Schmane. Alec, Schmalec. Renee, Schmenee. Okay, that last one doesn't really roll off the tongue but you get my point.

Jenny Kate: I got you. There are just some characters I'm willing to part with. So, what about Edward acknowledging that he loves Bella? Our Vampward made some progress in this chapter with his feels. I wonder what he'll do with this newfound realization?

Jiff: I have some theories but I'd rather hear our readers'! ;-)

Jenny Kate: Me, too! Let us hear what you think! We love reading your reviews and we promise that we're slowly getting back on track with our replies! Thank you all for reading and supporting us! We appreciate it more than you'll ever know!

Jiff: Thanks, as always, to Mauigirl60 for keeping our commas and contractions in order. We love you!