Author's Notes: This "story" is really just a collection of journal entries as Alexander works through his feelings and hopefully, comes to understand he very much deserves to be loved and that his love is a gift worthy of giving.

The first journal entry begins the day after the ball and their first kiss.

For Her Sake: The Decision

Alexander left the encampment after the confrontation with Lennox, and his thoughts were almost chaotic.

Ever since Lennox had come to Sanditon, and he had encountered him at Lady Denham's Garden Party, he had felt all of the old resentments well up in him again. This man had been his wife's lover and left him with their love child to raise.

Alexander had always thought Lennox had abandoned Lucy, but today, he was not so sure. Alexander saw pain flit across Lennox's face as he did the mental calculations and realized that Leo was his daughter, and while he had no sympathy for the cad, he doubted Lennox knew of Leo's birth.

Lennox was a man without morals and he seemed determined to twist the knife every opportunity he got with Colbourne that Lucy had turned to him for comfort instead of her husband.

Lennox had said, "Miss Heywood is clearly in love with you. Can you be sure you will not fail her as you did Lucy?"

Failure. His Achilles heel and Lennox hit his intended mark.

Alexander thought about how he had retreated from society after Lucy's death, consumed with guilt over how Lucy had given up on living. He was consumed with guilt because it hurt to be in Leo's presence, and she was his daughter according to the law. He felt guilty that he could not escape Lucy and his memories of her because Augusta resembled her mother and her twin sister, his wife.

Today, he vowed to be more present in both girls' lives. He could and would be a father to them. They were innocent in everything.

But…was it right to risk Miss Heywood's happiness?

He did not return to Heyrick Park right away from the encampment. Instead, he took Hannibal on a long ride on the beach. Before he returned to the house, he had to make a decision about Miss Heywood.

It was wrong, so wrong to have kissed her. He was her employer and he had allowed his emotions to overcome him.

Of course, the employment issue was one that could be dealt with, she would be family once she became his wife.

Emotions. He loved her so much it hurt.

Now, he was torn.

He was certain of his love for her, but he could not be certain that he would not fail her.

He loved her too much to risk hurting her. He knew that he had given her reason to hope for an offer of marriage, but it was not to be, for her sake.

He made a decision, and turned toward Heyrick Park.

According to Mrs. Wheatley, Charlotte and the girls were in the schoolroom, so he went to his study to work.

A few hours later, he saw her pass by the window in his study on her way home. He had not spoken to her since her return from the encampment because he did not have the courage to say what needed to be said. Not yet.

He knew she must wonder why he had not spoken to her. Already, he was hurting her.

Later that night, in his room, he wrote in his journal, trying to make sense of not only his thoughts, but his emotions.

He wrote:

For the first time in over a decade, over these last several weeks, I have felt alive again. I allowed myself to have emotions beyond pain and guilt.

I owe that transformation to Miss Heywood.

I have felt my affections for her grow since I met her, and last night, when I held her in my arms to dance, I felt my love for her fill my soul.

I told her about my marriage to Lucy last night. I felt connected to her as I have never felt with anyone else. She was empathetic, and she did not judge me for what happened with Lucy. She implored me to forgive myself. If only I could!

I kissed her, and she responded to me. I felt her heart racing as I am sure she felt mine.

I not only felt desire, but I felt hope.

This morning, when she arrived at Heyrick Park, I had planned on telling her that I loved her, and to ask for her hand.

Then, before I could ask her, the whole incident with Leo happened.

In the space of an hour, my hopes turn to dust with Lennox's cruel words. How can I be sure that I will not fail Miss Heywood? The truth is, I cannot be sure.

Tomorrow morning, I will end things with her. I will send her away. I will protect her by doing so.

I must do it. No matter how hard it will be.

Alexander closed his journal, and after sitting there for a few minutes trying to settle his mind, he snuffed out the candle, and got into bed.

He thought of her, beautiful Charlotte, and how she had responded to his kisses. His arms ached to hold her. He remembered the softness of her skin beneath his fingertips and her lovely floral scent. She looked so beautiful and womanly in her blue gown.

He clenched his hands into fists as a wave of desire washed over him. Desire that would never be expressed except in his dreams.

All hope of making her his wife was gone.

It was better this way, he told himself.

For her sake…