Mrs. Lawliet: He has, hasn't he? Tsk, tsk... Ahh, glad you like the dinner scene~ Part Swedish, eh? You've only tried...Swedish food once before? Hm. Do you remember what it was, or just that it was Swedish? I know I'm bad at remembering stuff like that.

...Okay. So.

WARNING: This chapter includes suicidal themes and an overall depressing feel.

I'm sorry.

I told you I'd warn you...

Ah, I hope you like the chapter anyway?

Well, later on the night of the dinner, Matt was lounging in the old main room with all of the huge computers. He had yet to fix the surveillance system, but he was working on it. He was currently playing a video game, but he'd get around to it eventually. Mello would nag at him to do it soon enough, and Matt would have to do it then. An angry Mello was not a fun Mello.

Speaking of Mello, he'd been with Matt an hour or so ago. Where'd he go? He'd just left without a word, though Matt thought he remembered glancing up at his friend to see he didn't look very happy. Almost sad. And he was never sad. He looked uncomfortable too. About what, Matt couldn't know. Well, something was up. As Mello's best friend, he should know these things. Right? And the only person other than Mello himself who knew what was going on in his head was Sierra.

Matt clicked one last button before he shut off his game and leaned back on the couch, lifting the cigarette from his mouth. He breathed out a stream of smoke, then smothered the cig in an ashtray beside him. Well, he guessed he'd be looking for Sierra then. If he bumped into Mello on the way, great. If not, fine. Now to figure out where Sierra was. Probably in her room. Obviously. She'd picked the first room on the left up on the sixth floor. She'd said it was the room she and the other three girls had stayed in back in 2004. 2004. The year L supposedly died. The year Mello left Wammy's. To be precise, he'd left December fifth.

Eh, that didn't matter now. Matt went to the elevator and pressed the button to go to the sixth floor. He leaned against the elevator wall as he waited, but it didn't take long. He was soon walking out into the hall and heading to the first room on the left. He paused as he reached the door, though. He heard music.

It wasn't necessarily a song. Rather, it was a string of wonderful notes on a guitar put together that would last a second or two, then stop with a, "No," or a "Damn it," from Sierra. Again, the string of notes would play, but it would always be cut short and punctuated with a frustrated remark from the girl playing the guitar. Matt slowly opened the door. He saw Sierra sitting cross-legged on the floor, her back facing him, with the guitar strap around her shoulders. She tried playing the notes again. "No, no, no!" she hissed. Ryuk was loitering around in the background, already asleep. Lazy ass.

Sierra didn't notice Matt yet, and so he rapped three times on the door to grab her attention. Her head whipped around to face him, her expression a look of surprise. Her cheeks were streaked with tears; her eyes were bloodshot. Matt blinked. Oh. Mello wasn't the one not feeling great, it was Sierra. She immediately turned back around. "Shit," she muttered, her hands going to her face as she tried to rub the tears away.

"Uh, hey," Matt greeted hesitantly. He took a half-step into the room.

"Um, yeah? What is it?" Her voice cracked.

"Well," Matt responded casually, "I saw Mello looked a little upset earlier, and I wanted to figure out why."

There was silence. Her voice was small. "I'm sorry."

He blinked again. "What? Why?"

"My stupid emotions are probably affecting him again, that's all…."

He frowned, then made his way over to her. "Am I allowed to ask what's the matter?" he asked, crouching beside her.

She was silent a moment. Considering it. "Well, I do think of you like an older brother…." Her breathing hitched.

Matt almost opened his mouth to ask what she considered Mello to be, but he wisely held his tongue in knowing teasing wasn't the best thing to do at the moment. It just wasn't the right thing to say. So he kept quiet and let her speak. It was time to make her feel a bit happier. He didn't like it when she was sad.

"Well…." She pulled off the guitar strap and set the guitar in front of her, pulling her knees up to her chest. Matt actually sat down and got comfortable, leaning back on the palms of his hands. "I had a friend, back in my world, and his name was Mark. He was more of my dad's friend, but we were still pretty close…." She sniffed, then choked out a little laugh. "The first time I met him, he almost hit me in his car. I was just being stupid and going into the road on my bike. That's how we became friends. Mark was the one who taught me guitar…."

Matt only sat silently beside her, listening.

"Well… the last time I saw him, he was trying to teach me a new song. He said he'd help me learn the difficult part next time because I was having trouble with it, but…." She looked at the guitar with sad, sad eyes. "He committed suicide before we could see each other again. He shot himself in the chest, and wouldn't die until two days later." She curled up tighter, clutching her legs until her knuckles went white. "I don't know why I didn't see the signs." Her voice cracked again. "His girlfriend had just died, and there was something about him the last time we met…. I should have noticed…. I knew him well enough, I should have; I—" Sierra was cut off by her own choked sob. She broke into tears, even though she was trying so, so hard not to cry. To cry was to be weak, after all.

Not knowing what else to do, Matt put his hand on her shoulder. He almost spoke again, but he couldn't bring himself to say it.

"You're like my older brother," she said. "You know that, right?"

"Yeah," Matt responded. "And I guess you're kinda like the sister I never had."

A tear fell. Sierra wiped it away hastily. "I do miss my brothers, Wayne and CJ, but…. Wayne was a poor excuse for an older brother, he really was. And he was such a wimp…. He'd always be such a tattletale and a suck-up, too, but I loved him anyway, even though Mom loved him best and ignored me because of it. And CJ, my little brother…. Oh, I miss them both…. I hate my mom so much, and I hate to admit it, but I love her too…. Plus, there's Tony," she spat his name with incredible hatred and disgust that Matt wasn't so sure she'd been capable of. But her voice got softer in her next words. "Why… why do all the worst things happen to the people who don't deserve it?"

He frowned ever so slightly, then turned his gaze in the direction of the wall. "I really don't know," he said honestly.

"But I've killed now…. I'm a killer, you know…. At first I felt good about killing people like Tony, but…." Sierra stopped there. She didn't finish the sentence. "Matt…" she said in a voice that was so soft he could barely hear her, "…I don't know… how much more I can take…."

He blinked, then looked down at her. She was silent. "Well…" he said eventually, "it'll all be okay in the end, right?"

She was silent for a second, but then she looked up at him with this nice smile that didn't look quite true. "Yeah," she said, "I guess your right."

"And you know Mello and I are here," he added.

"Yeah. And I'm glad for that."

"And… you can talk to someone if something's up, you know that, alright?"

She nodded. There was a pause. "Well, I think I'll be going to bed now…," Sierra sighed, getting to her feet. She waved Matt off. "Now go away, I'm going to get into my pajamas."

Matt stood, scratching his head. "Alright. Goodnight, then, Sierra…. I'll see you in the morning."

"Yeah," she replied, taking out her pajamas from her dresser.

Matt looked back at her one last time to be sure, and left out the door, closing it with a soft click behind him. Directly to his right, he saw Mello there, leaning against the wall with a chocolate bar to his lips. There was silence for a moment. "Keep a close eye on her, okay?" he asked Matt without even looking at him, and walked away, taking the stairs rather than the elevator to his destination.

When Sierra awoke it was raining. As her senses came to her, the first thing she heard was the rain on the windowpane. So, she rolled over in her bed and opened her eyes to stare at the wall of windows. It was a sheet of grey, running with water. She remembered the last time she'd been here while it rained. It had been thundering and lightning and Sam was afraid because she hated the thunder. Anna had been teasing her about it because she was younger than Sam and of course she wasn't afraid. But then the thunder crashed and Anna jumped. Sierra had laughed. Anna had whacked her.

Anna and Sam weren't here now, and neither was I. Her sister. Her aunt. Her friend. All good friends in our own right, really. But Sierra had been supposedly kidnapped again, and we moved on with life without her. What did it matter where she was? It didn't change much, did it? What purpose did she serve anymore, anyhow? She couldn't act as Kira because Mello had found out about the notebook. She couldn't act as an older sister or a friend because she wasn't with Anna, Sam, and I. Matt and Mello didn't need help in what they were doing….

Sierra sat up. Whatever. She swung her legs over the side of the bed, and got to her feet. Noticed Ryuk wasn't there. She got dressed, brushed her hair, made herself relatively presentable. Not that she cared very much. Oh well. It wouldn't really matter. She headed out of her room and right to the elevator, pressing the button that would lead her to the roof. She waited as the small space she was in rose up and up. When she stepped onto the highest level with the helicopter pads behind her and the cityscape before her, she felt like she was in that scene with L, out on the top of this building in the rain. But instead of just standing there, staring at the sky and speaking of nonexistent bells, she sat on the roof and let herself be soaked, her knees pulled to her chin. She didn't move; she just thought. The wind up at this height was cold with the rain, and the rainwater soaked her to the bone, but she didn't mind. She didn't mind at all.

Eventually Mello came out to see her. He walked up behind her, and she knew it, but she didn't respond and so he didn't say a word. Just sat there beside her in the rain with one leg bent and the other spread out, a chocolate bar in his hand.

"Déjà vu," she said aloud, her voice nearly lost in the rain and the wind.

"Hm?" he replied. It was more a grunt than anything, but he always did that because he was plainly Mello. And Mello was typically grumpy.

"It's like the scene in the rain with Light and L all over again. L goes out into the rain, just for the rain, to think, and Light comes out to see him. Makes sure he's alright. But of course he doesn't care…."

"I care," Mello frowned.

"For L?"

"…For you." He scowled. "L irritates me at the moment, remember?"

"Right…." She paused. "Sorry."

"Don't be. Stop it with the sorry, okay? Don't apologize to me."

"…I… never mind." Another pause. The rain began to lessen. "Mello, can I have a hug? I know you hate them, but just this once? Please?"

He looked at her for a second. She didn't look back. He looked away. "…Sure."

She blinked twice, her eyes downcast, and then she turned to hug him. Mello gave an awkward little half-hug back, his expression uncomfortable. Sierra clung to him for a moment, but she didn't stay long, and released him. From there on it was utterly silent save for the hiss of the rain and the howling of the wind and the faint city sounds far below.

Matt came next, wondering where his friends had went. By then the rain had stopped and the sky was just an endless expanse of grey. "There you guys are," he said light-heartedly. "Where've you been?"

Mello got to his feet. "Up here, obviously."

"Well, yeah…. How long have you been up here?"

"Since I woke up," Sierra said in a quiet voice.

"What? No breakfast? Come on…. It's lunchtime already, aren't you hungry?"

"Not really."

"You're at least going to eat lunch," said Mello matter-of-factly. "If you're not eating breakfast, then you have to have lunch and dinner. Got it?"

"…Okay…."

"Matt, I'm going back inside to dry off," he told his friend, and walked back inside.

Matt blinked. "Why am I always the one that has to feed her…?" He went over to Sierra. "Alright," he said, "so what do you want for lunch?"

"I don't care."

"…Well, I'm not deciding for you."

She sighed softly. "A sandwich, I guess."

Matt frowned. "What kind of sandwich, Sierra? Be a little more specific, okay?"

"Peanut butter… only one slice."

"Alright then." He stretched. "I'll be right back. Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone."

"Bye, Matt," she said softly, and Matt chuckled with an, "I'll be right back." Sierra leaned back and stared at the clouds. "The world doesn't look very welcoming right now, does it…?" she asked no one. She felt all of the pressure on her get heavier in knowing the world wasn't the best place to be. The loss of her brothers. Missing her friends. The hatred of Tony. The lack of love from her own mother. The regret of knowing a friend who'd killed himself. The scars of abuse and neglect. The guilt of having killed multiple people. It all kept coming back around.

Life sucked, didn't it? She was tired of it. She was tired of not being able to trust. She was tired of giving up hope because whenever she found it, it would always fail her. She was tired of the burning hatred that did nothing in the end. She was tired of all the stress and the pain. She was just so sick and tired of it all. She didn't want to carry the burden anymore, and now all of it was crashing down on her at once…

She got to her feet, staring out beyond the edge of the roof. Took a step forward. Hesitated. Then, she began to walk, step by step, towards the edge. She paused at the railing, running her hand on the cool metal surface. Her clothes flapped in the wind, her hair flying behind her. She stepped over the railing. Mello, her mind sync, had noticed by now. He was uttering a string of curse words as he ran up the stairs, but Sierra was on the other side now and everything before her was open air. She leaned forward, her hands gripping the railing behind her. All she had to do was let go, and she'd be free. She'd cease to exist. No more pain, no more pressure, no more hatred, no more bittersweet humanity. Her grip began to loosen. Let go, she just had to let go…. She closed her eyes, breathed in a deep breath, and—

"Hey, I've got your lunch," said Matt.

Sierra's eyes opened. She looked back to him. He was looking at her through those orange-tinted goggles of his, a plate of lunch on his hand. In his other hand was his own lunch. He casually set her lunch on the ground, then set his down before sitting.

"Are you going to be eating with me or not?" he asked. "You wouldn't want a sandwich to go to waste." He sounded so calm.

Sierra looked before her again and saw just how far down the city below was. Release beckoned her, but so did a friendly face. She looked back to Matt; he'd begun to eat. As if he didn't mind that she was just about to commit suicide right in front of him. She looked back to the open air before her. It didn't seem quite right now that Matt was waiting behind her. Carefully, she stepped back over the railing. Mello reached the top floor at that moment, but he stood on the other side of the door, his back to the exit, breathing deep breaths. Don't you dare do that again….

…Sorry…. She sat in front of her meal and stared at the sandwich. She picked up the bread slowly and took a small bite. The taste flooded her mouth despite the bite's small size, though it didn't really appeal to her.

"So, why was it again that you never have jelly on your sandwich?" Matt asked her.

Sierra was slightly confused as to why he was completely ignoring what just happened, but that was okay. She was perfectly fine with not being asked about it, or scolded for it, or whatever Matt would do. "I just prefer peanut butter, I guess," she replied, her voice still small.

"Hm. Like good old Melly prefers chocolate, but… that's a little different."

She smiled ever so slightly. "Yeah. A lot different."

"But what were your favorite foods?"

"Chocolate and tea."

"Tea isn't really a food," Matt pointed out.

"Whatever. Edible things, then."

"I guess…." He paused. There was silence. Sierra looked up to see his head was down. He wasn't eating. "Hey, Sierra…," he said in a low voice.

She blinked slowly. "…Yeah?"

"Don't… do that again, alright? Please."

Her gaze shifted to the ground. "Sorry," she mumbled.

"Ah, shit," he muttered, lifting his goggles and rubbing what was assumed to be his eyes. "Ah… don't be sorry, Sierra… just… don't…." He heaved a sigh. "My…. The last time I…."

Sierra gazed at him, feeling that she would be curious if she had really cared at the moment. "What?"

He shook his head, then took a breath as if to brace himself. "My mother decided to jump off a roof, too. I walked into her room to find her on the railing of the balcony, ready to jump. But I couldn't save her…."

"I… I'm sorry," she mumbled, looking back to the ground.

"God damn it, Sierra, I told you not to be sorry about it." He sighed lightly. "Just remember, from here on, that Mello and I don't want you leaving this world anytime soon. Don't think you're useless or any crap like that, and don't let everything that's happened or is happening overwhelm you, that's all. Remember you can always talk, 'cause a lot of us learned the hard way that keeping everything to yourself is always the worst. And even if you don't want to talk to grumpy old Mello, you always have me, alright?"

She continued gazing at the ground, speaking in a mumbling tone. "Alright." There was a pause in which a fitting silence filled the air. Eventually the city sounds below eased their way into the quiet, though Sierra didn't mind their company. "Can I ask why you care?"

Matt stopped chewing and looked at her oddly. "Huh?" he asked, his mouth full of sandwich. He swallowed. "Care about one of my only two friends deciding to just jump off a building and end their life just like that?"

She crossed her arms guiltily.

He looked to the grey slate above called the sky. "I guess I still kinda regret last time, too. The one thing I regret is being too late for everything. For that; for other things…. Plus, I really don't care much about very many things in this world. I care about my games, but those can be replaced. I care about Mello, 'cause he's my best friend. And… I care about you because you're like… you're almost like a little sister that I never had. I don't care for reality much, you know. You know that. I don't even like going outside much anymore…."

"Anymore?"

"Never mind that, just know I care about you, among all of the things in the world I don't give a shit about. 'Kay?" He took a large bite of his sandwich.

The corner of her mouth twitched upward for a moment. "Okay."

That whole scene...it's just terrible... Ahh, at least there's that hope at the end, though. Matt is wonderful.

Not-So-Fun Fact: That story about 'Mark' (not his real name) is completely true. It's terrible, but Sierra really has gone through a lot...

Review?...For...hope. Hope is nice.