Chapter Seven: Revealing His Heart to Her
The morning after the ball, the Willingden guests left on the trip home, and Charlotte wished for just a moment she was going with them. Being in Sanditon and knowing that Mr. Colbourne was close by was unsettling for her. Especially now that she was engaged to Ralph.
Georgiana asked her if she wanted to go for a walk on the beach, and Charlotte said she would like that. The beach was nearly deserted, and the ladies had some privacy for their conversation.
Georgiana asked, "Did you have a wonderful time at the ball last night? You were asleep when I came to your room."
Charlotte knew she could be totally honest with Georgina, "Yes, and no. I had fun celebrating your birthday, my dear friend, but it was so strange to be there Ralph, and for Mr. Colbourne to be there as well. One man is my past and one man is my future, but my heart does not belong to the man who is my future."
"When I introduced Ralph and said that we were to be married in three months, I felt so disconnected from my truth. It is not at all how I saw my future only a few months ago."
"I feel guilty that I do not love Ralph the way I love Mr. Colbourne, but he is a good man, and as my mother says, love will come. I just must open my heart to him. At least I know I can trust him."
Georgiana said, "I think that it is possible that you could come to love him, Charlotte. But what about passion? You and I both have been told the realities of being a wife. Do you feel any passion for Ralph?"
Charlotte said, "He is handsome, and he is kind. As you once told me, there are different kinds of passion. It may not be the same as I felt for Sidney or what I feel for Mr. Colbourne, but I think I will come to feel something more for Ralph. I must because I have agreed to marry him, Georgiana."
"My family approves of the marriage and whether I want to be married to him or not, I am long past the age to be married and out of the home. I am a burden to my family, and I know it."
The tears started streaming down Charlotte's face, and Georgiana took her friend in her arms. She let her cry, and Georgiana felt her pain.
When the emotional storm had passed, Charlotte dried her eyes and began speaking.
"When I am away from Sanditon, I can put the heartache I have known here behind me. I am not saying I can forget it, I cannot seem to, but I can manage the pain of it all so much better away from all the reminders of what could have been."
"Now, Sidney is gone forever from this life, and I have grieved him. I thought I had gathered the pieces of my heart back together after all that happened with him only to have it shattered again by Mr. Colbourne."
"Georgiana, he has been through so much in his life, and I have compassion for him, but Mr. Colbourne must learn to live with his past. It torments him. I cannot understand why he behaved as he did, and when he wanted to explain himself on the cliff tops, I did not want to hear it. I cannot trust him, and anything he says has the power to hurt me because I still love him."
She said, "It has all…been…too…. much!"
Georgiana squeezed her hand and said, "Yes, my dear friend, I know it has."
"Charlotte, I know it may hurt you to hear what he has to say, but can you get over your feelings for him if you do not listen to what Mr. Colbourne has to say? You must think of what is fair to Ralph."
Charlotte stopped walking and looked at Georgiana. "I had not thought of it like that. I hope I can put this all behind me with time. Ralph wants to marry in three months, Georgiana, and I am not sure I can ever forget Mr. Colbourne, much less in such a brief period of time."
Georgiana said, "Would you want to marry a man who loved someone else, Charlotte?"
"No! Of course not, but I have been honest with Ralph, and he says that he knows I will come to love him as he does me."
Georgiana took Charlotte's hands in hers, "I would give anything to be able to talk to Otis now. To have a conversation that I was not ready to have when Sidney brought him to London to speak with me. I may never have the chance again, Charlotte. And…I regret that I did not listen to Otis because I was so hurt."
She looked Charlotte in the eyes and said, "Just as you are so hurt, my friend. I understand your pain."
"Will you have regrets as I do, Charlotte? All I am asking you to do is think about listening to Mr. Colbourne. I am not on his side, I am on yours, and most of all, I want your happiness."
Charlotte embraced her friend, and the ladies continued walking, but the conversation turned to other things as they made their way back to Trafalgar House.
They ran into Miss Hankins and had a cup of tea with her at the vicarage. Miss Hankins was observant last night at the ball, and she knew that there was something going on between Mr. Colbourne and Charlotte, but she did not pry. She was a spinster and as such, she often watched from the sidelines as the beautiful people at the ball danced the night away.
When the ladies were leaving, she took Charlotte's hands in hers and said, "I am always happy to listen if you care to talk, Miss Heywood. There is truth in the adage that we get wiser as we get older, my dear, and I have lived many more years than you have."
Charlotte thanked her, and the ladies made their way back to Trafalgar House. When they got there, Mary handed Charlotte a note that had just been delivered. It was from Augusta Markham, and she wanted Charlotte and Georgiana to come for tea at Heyrick Park.
Charlotte wrote her a note back and declined but invited her and Leo to Trafalgar House that afternoon. There was no way she was going to Heyrick Park and take the chance of running into Mr. Colbourne. Georgiana had given her a great deal to think about, but she was not ready to see him again. At least, not yet.
A servant delivered Charlotte's note to Augusta. Disappointed that Miss Heywood would not be coming to Heyrick Park, Augusta went to ask Uncle to have the carriage hitched for her and Leo to go into town. She explained they were to have tea with Miss Heywood and Miss Lambe at Trafalgar House.
Alexander saw to it right away, and the girls were on their way to Sanditon after lunch. Samuel had gone home that morning, and so the house was quiet. He tried to get some work done, but his thoughts kept drifting back to Miss Heywood. His girls were at Trafalgar House with her now, and he envied them. She welcomed their company, but not his.
She had been through a great deal as a woman of three and twenty, and he was sorry he had caused her more pain. To explain himself and apologize, he needed her to be willing to listen to him. So far, she was not willing.
It was a conundrum. He had no answers, but he had to find one.
The girls returned home from town, and they all sat in the garden together before dinner.
Leo said, "We had so much to tell Miss Heywood, Father. We told her about our new governess, and she told me to be very good and to learn as much as I can from her."
"I told her about all the places you took us while we were in London, and she told me that it sounded like I had a great adventure."
Augusta added, "I told her about my debut in London society. I even told her about Edward Smithson, Uncle."
"She advised me to take my time to get to know him well, and to know his character."
Alexander replied, "That is sound advice, Augusta."
Leo said, "Father, she told us she was to be married, but she did not seem happy about it. She told us she had known him all her life and he was a gentleman farmer, like her father."
"At least she will not be a spinster like Augusta once said she would be. Do you remember Augusta when you embroidered that on a napkin for Miss Heywood?"
Augusta sighed, "Leo, do not remind me of how childish I once behaved with her. I am sorry for it, and I miss her terribly."
Augusta added, "There is something different about Miss Heywood. Her smile used to make her eyes sparkle, but now, she does not smile with her eyes. It is like there is a deep sadness in her heart, Uncle."
Alexander said, "Augusta, I have tried to talk to her, but she does not want to hear what I have to say, and that is the end of the matter."
Leo told her father that Miss Heywood was leaving to go back to Willingden in three days.
Alexander had known his time to win her forgiveness was running out, but three days! He felt a sense of urgency wash over him.
Mrs. Wheatley served them dinner in the garden, and then Alexander went to his room.
He walked over to the bureau and took out the ring he had bought for her. He purchased that ring with the hope he would place it on her finger one day, and he had to let that hope guide him now.
He took out his journal, and he wrote one last entry. He laid his heart on the page, and there could be no doubt what she meant to him, and the future he envisioned for the two of them, together.
He left his room and told Miss Wheatley he would be back later. He saddled Hannibal and rode into Sanditon.
When he got to Trafalgar House, he knocked on the door and asked to speak to Miss Heywood.
A servant showed him in, and he could see her reluctance to come into the room.
She looked at him and noticed that errant curl had fallen on his forehead. He was so incredibly handsome.
Alexander said, "Miss Heywood, at times, I am not an articulate man when I speak, but when I write, I am quite capable of saying exactly what I mean. These two journals are a record of my feelings for you over the months we have known one another. Before you marry Mr. Starling, I ask only that you read them."
"If we are to part ways forever, Miss Heywood, I want it to be in truth. I do not deserve your forgiveness, so I will not ask for it at this time. However, I hope that once you have read all that I wrote, you will be able to forgive me, despite everything."
"After you read the journals, if you read them, if there is anything you want to know or to discuss, you only have to send a note to Heyrick Park, and I will be here as quickly as Hannibal can carry me.'
He left her with one last statement, "You once told me that you must know who I am, and after you read those journals, you will know me better than anyone else ever has."
He bowed, and he left the house.
He mounted Hannibal and turned him toward the beach. He had done all he could, now it was all up to her.