Chapter Eight: Forgiveness and Understanding
After Mr. Colbourne left, Mary and Georgiana came into the drawing room. Charlotte was holding two journals, and she explained they were from Mr. Colbourne. She said that he left them for her to read, if she chose to, so that she could understand what he had been thinking and feeling since he sent her away.
Mary said, "Are you going to read them, Charlotte?"
Charlotte looked at Georgiana and said, "Yes, I am. I do not want any regrets with Mr. Colbourne."
Charlotte told the ladies that she was going to her room, and she would see them in the morning.
She lit a candle at her writing desk and sat down to read his words.
The first entry was about what had been said at the encampment, and how Colonel Lennox had used Lucy Colbourne and all that happened with her with Mr. Colbourne. Then Colonel Lennox had asked Colbourne if he was sure he would not fail her. He resurrected every insecurity Alexander had ever felt as a man.
Charlotte took out a quill and ink to make notes in the margins.
She wrote:
Why did you listen to that awful man? I am a different woman, and you allowed your past to thwart the future, Mr. Colbourne. You never even spoke to me again that day after kissing me that morning. You can only imagine how confused I must have felt.
Next, she read about his ride to the beach on Hannibal and how he agonized over his decision to end their relationship. For her sake.
She wrote:
For my sake, Mr. Colbourne? You didn't have the right to make a decision for the two of us without discussing it with me first. You gave up that right when you kissed me, not once but twice. I felt so used when you dismissed me, and so naïve. You shattered my heart with that decision and what you said to me the next day. Nonetheless, my heart broke all over again when I read how you agonized over your decision. I do know that you did what you thought was best for me after reading this entry.
She kept reading his writings, and she could feel his pain through his words. When he was in London, he was lonely for her.
She wrote:
I was lonely for you, too! I was so hurt by all that had transpired between us. I had given my heart to you!
She continued reading until the tears blurred the words. At one point, she was crying so much that her tears smeared the ink on the page.
Georgiana knocked on the door, and asked, "Charlotte, please let me in. I can hear you crying, and it is breaking my heart."
Charlotte told her to come in, and the two of them talked about what Charlotte had learned so far from all she had read.
Georgiana said, "Surely, you must know how much he loves you. He had laid his heart out on these pages for you, never knowing that someday, you would read his words."
"I know, and while his words are hard to read at times, I know that he did not send me away because I was just his employee as he implied when he dismissed me, but instead, he was trying to protect me from more pain."
Georgiana replied, "Try to get some rest before you read anymore, Charlotte. You are exhausted tonight, and tomorrow, you will have all day to read Mr. Colbourne's journals."
Charlotte did try to get some sleep, but her mind was too full, as was her heart, so she could not settle enough to sleep. She got up from bed and continued to read her beloved Alexander's words.
She fell asleep reading at some point in the night and finally crawled into bed.
She woke from her sleep in the morning, got dressed, and after going downstairs to get a cup of tea, she once again sat down at her desk. This morning, the entries were pages long.
She read about his time in London and about meeting Lady Susan at a dinner, and then having tea with her the next day. Now, she understood why Lady Susan had invited her to London before Alison's wedding.
He wrote about the long talks he and his brother had about their childhood and how healing that had been to them both. When she compared her childhood to his, she could only feel sadness that as a young boy, he was never made to feel valued.
The rest of the first journal was filled with the experiences of his childhood. It hurt to read how emotionally neglected he and his brother had been. Mr. Colbourne was so afraid to be his father that he inadvertently neglected his girls as well for a time. He mentioned her and how she had transformed Heyrick into a home by making him realize that he needed to be present for both Augusta and Leo. They had become a family, and he credited her for the change.
The second journal was filled with hope. She read about how he had purchased an engagement ring for her in London. He had to believe she would forgive him. He wrote about the life he wanted with her, and there were entries that made her blush. He wrote of how he longed for her touch, and he wrote of his memory of their kisses.
The next entries were hard to read. Mr. Colbourne wrote about their first meeting on the cliff tops before the ball, and despite her coolness toward him, his determination to win her back.
She wrote in the margin:
This entry is so powerful to me because it tells me that I can trust you not to give up on us when we face difficult times.
The most painful entry was about the moment he learned of her engagement to Ralph Starling.
He wrote:
Tonight, my love told me that she was engaged to another man, someone from her village who she has known all her life. She trusts him, and she doesn't trust me.
Samuel told me that I said all the appropriate things after she told us her news, but I felt the roar of the ocean in my ears. I was stunned! My brother told me that he guided me outside so I could regain my composure, but I remember nothing of the rest of the ball.
I am devastated! But…. I am not ready to concede defeat. I must believe in her love for me, and I must find a way to make her understand why I made the decision I made. I did it…. for her sake. Now, of course I know I made the wrong decision, and I can only pray it is not too late.
If only she knew my heart!
Charlotte could feel his angst, and she ached for him.
Then, she read the last entry he wrote to her:
My dearest Charlotte,
I hope that you understand now, after reading my thoughts, how very much I love you and want to be your husband. I know that circumstances have changed, but I am pleading with you to give us a second chance.
I want a life with you by my side, I want to have a family with you, but most of all, I want to cherish you as you deserve to be cherished. I have never known such depth of emotion as I feel for you, and I am not complete without you.
Give us another chance to have a life together, Charlotte. I will be the man you can both love and trust.
I am forever yours, Alexander
Charlotte read this last entry twice, and it was as if she could hear his soft voice that became husky with emotion, speaking those words directly to her heart. She listened with her own heart, and she knew at that moment that she forgave him for everything.
She wrote a note to him:
Dear Mr. Colbourne,
As an engaged woman, there are things I cannot say to you at this time, but I understand now why you sent me away. I know that you do love me and want a life with me. Things are complicated now, but I would like to meet on the cliff tops at 4:00 this afternoon to talk.
I have never received a love letter in my life, and now, I have two books of them. Because so much of what you wrote about in those journals was of your love for me. I am so honored, and you were right, I do know who you are after reading them.
And…I think you are wonderful,
Charlotte Heywood
She went downstairs and asked a servant to deliver the note to Heyrick Park.
Georgiana and Mary asked her what she was going to do.
She replied, "I am engaged, so I cannot speak to Mr. Colbourne from my heart. I cannot say the words I want to say…yet. I must treat Ralph with the same respect that I would want to be treated with."
"This afternoon, I am meeting Mr. Colbourne on the cliff tops, and we will discuss the situation in person, and then tomorrow, I want to leave for Willingden to talk first to my parents, and then to Mr. Starling. I cannot discuss moving forward with Mr. Colbourne as long as I am engaged to Ralph."
At Heyrick Park, Mrs. Wheatley brought Charlotte's note to Alexander. He took it from her, and for a moment, he forgot to breathe.
He opened the note and smiled. Her words gave him hope. She thought he was wonderful.
He sat at his desk and read the note many times. It was hard to control his emotions, and he had to regain his composure before leaving to go to meet Charlotte.
He went to let Mrs. Wheatley know that he would be gone for a while, and he walked to the cliff tops to wait for her.
When he got there, he saw her walking toward him. Not away from him, as she had only a few days ago. She knew all the secrets of his heart, and she was ready to talk to him.
When at last they were together, she smiled at him, and he felt his heart melt. She was so beautiful, and he loved her so much. How he had missed her!
"Miss Heywood, I was glad to get your note. Thank you for meeting me." His voice was so filled with emotion that it was low and husky. He was twisting his signet ring on his little finger.
Charlotte realized that he was nervous, and she wanted to put him at ease. "Mr. Colbourne, how brave you were to share those journals with me. I have them with me, and when we part today, I want to give them back to you. I wrote notes in the margins next to some of the entries."
He said, "Thank you, Miss Heywood, and I look forward to reading your words in response to what I wrote."
He clenched his hands at his side to keep from reaching out to gather her in his arms. He needed to hold her.
Charlotte explained, "Mr. Colbourne, I am a woman of my word, and I have given my word to marry Mr. Starling."
"Before you and I can speak about our situation, I must go to Willingden to speak to my parents and to Mr. Starling. My father is going to be very disappointed in me."
"I have spoken to Ralph that my heart belonged to another when he asked me to marry him, but he assured me that love would come if I just allowed it to."
Alexander was feeling anxious now and tried to keep his emotions masked.
"After reading your journals, I realize that I could never love him as I do you. It would be unfair for me to marry him. So, I will not."
Alexander breathed a sigh of relief.
"Tomorrow morning, I will leave for Willingden, and I ask that you come to Willingden the following day to speak with my father. After we have done things in the proper order, then we will be free to speak of all that was written in those journals."
He smiled at her with that lopsided endearing smile of his, and she felt her love for him well up in her heart.
Charlotte said, "I will see you in Willingden in two days, Mr. Colboure, and please bring the girls. I am sure my brothers and sisters would love to meet them. That is, if you find my suggestion agreeable."
"I will be happy to do that, Miss Heywood." He was reluctant to part from her, but soon, very soon, they would be together.
She reached down in her bag and handed him his journals back.
Before she turned to go, he reached out and touched her hand, curling two fingers around hers, and he said, "Thank you, Miss Heywood."
She smiled and said, "See you soon, Mr. Colbourne."
He watched her walk back to town, and then he went back to his study at Heyrick Park, anxious to read her notes to him.
He stopped reading only to have dinner with his girls, and then he read until he could not keep his eyes open. He felt he knew her better through her annotations. They had finally found a way to communicate with each other without misunderstanding.
The next day, he finished reading the notes she had made for him beside his entries, and one note she left to him particularly touched his heart. She wrote about never having received a love letter, but now she had two books of them. It gave him an idea, and later, after he told the girls goodnight, he would begin what he hoped would be a life-long tradition with them.
My Dearest Charlotte,
Yesterday, on the cliff tops, we came to a new understanding without speaking the words. I look forward to the day when I can ask for your hand, and place that diamond ring I bought for you in London on your finger.
For the rest of my life, I will cherish you, my love.
I am forever yours, Alexander.
That night, when he got into his bed, he thought of her. He longed to hold her close to him, but first, he had to ask her father for her hand. Soon, they would begin to forge a new path, but together this time. For both their sakes...
He closed his eyes at last and said, "Until tomorrow, my love."