** CHAPTER 40 **
["You have a lump in your right breast," he stated tonelessly, when he realized she had moved his hand away from her.]
An awful silence filled the room and they kept staring at each other for what seemed like an eternity.
"Did you hear what I've just said? You have a lump-"
"In my right breast. Yes, I heard you," Cuddy whispered and she bowed her head to avoid his gaze.
House kept on scrutinizing her as he tried to collect his thoughts, his rational thoughts. He needed his brain to focus on that new reality, however painful and distressful it might be. Sensual game was over. It definitely was. He painfully realized it when a cold shiver that ran through his body made him suddenly aware of his nakedness and the fact that he'd stopped having an erection the second he'd felt the small mass in her breast under his fingers.
Not that he was feeling uncomfortable just sitting in his raw nudity in front of her but, somehow, at that very moment, it no longer felt right. He spotted his boxers on the mattress, and he reached for them, crawling to the edge of the bed and putting them back on hastily. It took him less than a minute to do so but a minute while Cuddy, on the other hand, stayed perfectly still.
She was on her knees, in the middle of the bed, only wearing her panties and she looked utterly distraught. House felt a sudden pang of angst clutch his chest and, what terrorized him even more, he felt helpless. It was not the kind of feelings he was willing to experience, especially not in that particular circumstance, and he hated himself for it. There was no way he would allow this to be. He had to do something, right now, for her.
Irrationally, he was somewhat blaming himself, feeling infuriated and frustrated not to have been able to prevent that from happening. Still, how could he? Even though he was a brilliant diagnostician, there was indeed nothing he, Dr. Gregory House, could have done on a purely medical level for any woman that'd have developed a lump in her breast.
But what felt worse, and in spite of his feelings for her, there was also nothing he, Greg House, could have done on a personal level for Lisa Cuddy, his gorgeous and enthralling woman. She was knelt down on his bed beside him, only at arm's length, staring down at her lap and she was looking so lost, it made him want to scream in anger because of how unfair that fate's irony was.
"Ok so, I'd say we're dealing with something that's not larger than two centimeters and from what I felt it-"
Cuddy finally lifted her gaze and looked up at him quizzically. Of course, he had to rationalize what it was, or how it felt, and bring up the medical aspect of it. He had to feed his mind with something to focus on. It was his way of stepping back emotionally to allow him to process the event and start accepting reality as it is.
"What?" he snapped almost coldly, looking upset by her apparent noninvolvement, narrowing his eyes at her when she didn't react.
"Is there really nothing else you want to say to me now, apart from these size-related, creepy details?" she inquired softly.
"Sorry if I'm a doctor, but the size of the lump is important and you know it because you're a doctor, too."
"I thought I was just an administrator," she said, trying to soften his edgy mood with a fond smile.
"Cuddy, this isn't a joke!" he snarled.
She sighed heavily and turned her head away to escape the weight of his gaze on her.
"I know. But I'm fine."
"You're not fine. Fuck! You have a lump in-"
"It's probably just a cyst."
"How can you be sure?"
"I can't but-"
She closed her eyes and forcefully rubbed her forehead with her left hand, visibly struggling against the awkwardness of the situation. When she opened her eyes again, she looked at him almost beseechingly, as if she were silently asking him to give her the strength to continue.
"But what?" he asked, his voice betraying his impatience.
She took a deep breath to summon up the courage to confess.
"I have to do further exams to confirm, but that's what my gynecologist said-"
There was absolutely no mistaking the angry huff House let out then as she said it, and it hit her like a slap in the face. He stared at her, utterly bemused and in shock.
"You mean you already knew about this?" he said through clenched teeth.
The harshness in his tone threw Cuddy into utter distress. She bit her upper lip to prevent it from trembling and tried to sustain his icy stare.
"When? When did you first notice?"
"How is it relevant to-"
"When was it?" he snapped, his voice becoming louder and louder.
"I… it was during a shower… last week."
House gaped, looking aghast, and Cuddy saw a shadow of hurt darken his eyes and then his features tensed, as he glared at her accusingly.
"Dammit, Cuddy, why? Why didn't you tell me then?" he lashed out.
"Because-" she tried to defend herself, feeling stressed out by his yelling.
Her voice faltered as tears started to well up in her eyes and she found herself unable to finish her sentence. She set her lips and inhaled slowly through her nose to try to hold them back. Unconsciously she felt the need to cover herself in front of him. She collected her shirt and placed it in front of her chest to cover her breasts, crossing her arms and hunching while she held on tightly to the thin cloth as if it were a shield that would have protected her from his inquisitive stare.
House instantly registered her discomfort, and he clenched his jaw. Laboriously, he gripped his injured thigh in his hands and moved it carefully to sit closer to her, then he reached out his hand to touch her.
"Let me have a look."
"No," she answered quietly but firmly.
Holding his hand up mid-air, he stared at her, visibly upset.
"I don't want you to palpate me," she explained in a thready voice. "You're a doctor, I know, but that's not how I want you to handle this. That's not how I need you to handle this. You and I, we… I mean, I don't want you to knead my breast to look for a diagnosis. I want your caresses. I-"
"Of course, you do!" House suddenly barked, his tone dripping sarcasm, in a way she hadn't heard him use with her in a long time. "And when they have to cut half your breast to remove that fucking thing, then you'll be happy to have my caresses to comfort you, is that what you're saying?"
Cuddy didn't know how she did it or where she found the strength to stomach his cruel barb, but she managed to stay still and expressionless, nonetheless. Her breath barely hitched, and except for that imperceptible extra gasp of air she felt the need to suck in, nothing in her attitude betrayed how truly hurt she was.
She slowly bent over and collected her bra, still maintaining the shirt against her chest to hide her nude breasts. Then she turned her back to him and slowly but determinedly started getting dressed again.
House was looking at her and, in some way, he perfectly registered what she was doing but he couldn't do or say anything, as if he were suddenly paralyzed by fear – a fear that started to pervade him the second he understood what Cuddy was asking of him and he realized how wrong and horrifying his screwed-up reaction had been.
She'd already put her bra and shirt back on and she got up to pick up her pants on the floor. That's only when she bent down to take it and disappeared from sight that House was brutally jolted out of his daze and able to move again. He jumped out of the bed then and stood in front of her.
"What are you doing?"
"I think I'd rather leave," she answered evenly, holding her pants in her hand.
She barely looked at him and started to walk out of his bedroom.
"No!"
He firmly grabbed her by the upper arm to hold her back. She stopped, partially facing away from him, and turned her head to the side to look down at his hand gripping her arm. Then she looked up at his face, interrogating him with watery eyes.
"No," he repeated softly, his voice trembling. "Don't leave."
She cast her eyes down, and he let go of her arm.
"I'm sorry," he whispered.
Cuddy turned around to face him and her gaze held each and every powerful emotion she was feeling for him in that instant and that she couldn't hide or repress, no matter how much he could emotionally hurt her, sometimes. Because she knew he never intentionally intended to.
It was his curse, and hers somehow, because they both had to suffer through it, with the painful awareness that it was never what it appeared to be but, instead, always something else, so overwhelming that it threatened to swallow him whole at times. But she understood the emotional torture he had to endure because of it too much to find the strength to not love him. She didn't even want to try, anyway.
"I hate you," she said, the softness in her voice betraying her obvious lie.
House gasped and yanked her in his arms, squeezing her strongly against him with the force of despair, and he buried his face in her neck, his ragged breathing betraying the onslaught of emotions he was trying to fight just then.
"I'm sorry ... Cuddy, I'm so sorry," he pleaded, over and over, his lips pressed against her pulse point.
No matter how much she knew she should have left, it became impossible for her to. Barely minutes before, they were still engulfed in rapturous lust and, as her body ached for his touch, her desire took hold of her senses and demanded to be quenched.
It was raw and she was feeling it as strongly as he was. They'd both hurt each other but the need to forget that hurt and give in to the urgency of their craving was stronger. No matter what had just happened, there was no room left for any rational thought because it was intensely carnal and neither of them could resist it.
Cuddy cupped his face in her hands and slowly pushed it away from her neck to force him to look at her. When their eyes met, she felt absolutely helpless. She felt deliciously helpless: That's how it was and there was nothing she could do to change it.
She wanted to feel him, let him take her, and drown herself in oblivion to forget her fear and that dire threat looming over her. Nothing else mattered then, and a moan filled with pain and distress escaped her lips. At the sound of it, House dived in and kissed her, almost brutally, squeezing her tighter against him, almost squashing her ribcage.
The force of his powerful claim took her breath away and she gasped against his lips, carried away by the violence of his passionate outburst. His arms enveloped her waist and, almost effortlessly, he took her off the floor. She gripped him by the shoulders, and he led their entangled bodies toward the bed.
When they bumped into its edge, he let go of her and she fell backward onto the mattress, her fingers instantly searching for her shirt buttons. Her hands were trembling, and she was struggling to undo them. House locked eyes with hers, and he hastily got rid of his boxers then leaned down to take her panties off, almost ripping them off as he tried to slide them down her legs.
As soon as she was naked from the waist down, he gripped her hips and roughly pulled her to the edge of the bed. She was still struggling to unbutton her shirt, her hands shaking uncontrollably, and he shot her a warning glance, telling her he couldn't wait any longer. When he recognized the sign of her own raw desire in her eyes, telling him that she couldn't wait either, he spread her legs open and stabbed into her. Hard.
She let out a loud moan that sounded like a primal groan and she imprisoned his hips with her legs, capturing him deep in her warmth. He grunted at the feeling of her core squeezing his length tightly and then he began slamming into her, pounding her hard and deep with each thrust. She started panting almost instantly and he leaned down and grabbed her wrists, crossing them above her head and holding her still with a firm grip of one of his hands. With the other, he reached out for her shirt and deftly got rid of the last buttons, uncovering her chest.
He covered her midriff with his large palm and stroked her bare skin rhythmically, matching the tempo of his thrusts. At the burning contact of his hand on her, she arched up the small of her back and it made him pull out of her almost to the tip, but he slammed back deep into her core instantly, not letting their bodies disconnect for a second, feeling intoxicated by the urge that was crashing them both.
She started to jerk her head erratically on the mattress and she cried out a low, hoarse 'yes', squeezing her eyes shut and wheezing under him. He let go of her wrists and buried his face between her breasts, grazing her skin with his stubble, and clutching her hips to pin her down on the mattress as he kept ramming into her relentlessly. She let out another 'yes', louder, and he bit the round shape of her shoulder. She froze, then her eyes popped open, and she gasped, as she met his gaze, intensely staring at her. He stopped thrusting and leaned in to soothe the bite's mark with a stroke of his tongue.
With a steady sway of her hips, she commanded him to start moving and take her again and he did, straightening up to thrust faster and harder into her until her pants turned into pleading moans, then uncontrollable cries. He groaned and closed his eyes, focusing on his movements to hold back the irrepressible orgasmic wave that he felt rising inside him and slid his hands under her ass to arch her hips and change the angle of his penetration. They locked eyes and, with a smoldering gaze, they both called out for more.
He dug his nails in her curves and gave it to her, took it from her, as he watched her pant loudly beneath him, her eyes tightly shut. Her pleasure was entirely turned inward, as she was welcoming her orgasmic high with a series of frenzied 'yes,' but as she was about to reach her climax, he suddenly pulled out of her and pushed her away from him inside the bed. He fell on his back on the mattress next to her and silently held his hand out to her. She instantly took her cue from him and sat up, promptly straddling him, and wasting no time to recreate their carnal connection as she took his length in her hand and guided it inside her.
She ground his groin with her wet slit, adjusting to her new position, and he grunted at the sensation, gripping her waist to lift her up. She fought him and pushed back, pressing her palms on his torso and swaying her hips back and forth then swinging her ass in round motions to elicit just the perfect friction she and only she wanted to create. He looked at her, with her head tilted back, her eyes closed, and her belly undulating to push herself into him, and he recognized her need to take control. Because he knew what she so desperately wanted then.
So, he let go of her waist and let his hands fall on each side of his body and he let her go there. Sway after sway, in and out, deep and fast, he let her chase the oblivion that she was craving and gave her the lust she needed to find it.
She came, forcefully and loudly, and he followed right after her, struck by the enthralling eroticism of her abandon more than by his own physical need to let go. She fell onto his chest, panting, and buried her face in his neck. She nibbled his sweaty skin, and he wrapped his arms around her shoulders cradling her and running his fingers up and down her spine in soothing, gentle caresses while he waited for her breath to find its normal rhythm again.
# # # # #
It'd undeniably been good.
No, it had been great. Just as it always was. But sex wasn't the answer to everything and they both knew that they couldn't keep using it as a shelter to hide from reality any longer. Cuddy's breath finally slowed down and returned to its normal rhythm as House's did too. He let go of her and stretched his arms out, heavily exhaling the remaining shivers of orgasm out of his body. She pulled out of him and settled by his side on the bed, and without a word she started buttoning her shirt up.
As she did the first two buttons, House watched her without any reaction at first, but suddenly it felt like a slap in his face. A violent shot of adrenaline quickened his heart and he stared at her in angst.
"You're not leaving, are you?" he asked her, bewildered.
Cuddy gasped and her hands froze, but she stayed silent, her head down.
"Are you?" he repeated, visibly hurt at the prospect that she might say yes.
"No," she answered, her voice barely above a whisper. "I'm not leaving. But… I have nothing to put on to sleep."
He sighed, relieved, and flashed a fond smile at her.
"Why bother? Just sleep naked!" he said.
Her hands still clutched on her shirt, she looked at him and bit her lip, visibly ill-at-ease.
"I'm cold," she said.
But that was a lie, and House instantly knew it. He looked at her and it hit him violently. Again. Those three words. Even though, it was hurting him to feel them for her in that instant. Hurting like hell. He just wanted to help her. Say the right words, do the right thing, and make her feel better. But he didn't know how. He felt useless and he hated himself for that.
The only thing he was sure of was that, because of those three words, he couldn't tell her that he knew she was lying. So, he straightened up and stepped out of the bed. He grabbed his robe on the armchair and leaned down to pick something on the floor.
"Here," he said, handing one of his tee-shirts to her. "Put that on."
Cuddy hastily took off her shirt and reached out for the tee-shirt. When she started to slip it on, House's eyes widened in bemusement.
"Why don't you take your bra off?" he asked, stunned. "You're not keeping your bra to sleep, are you? Not an underwire bra… you…"
She remained silent but started to fidget, uncomfortably sliding her hands underneath the tee-shirt to unhook the bra and pulling it out of a sleeve. House closed his eyes not to see her do it. Not in front of him. He wanted to scream, and he could have, because he couldn't stand that sudden fucking awkwardness between them! Not now.
He sat back on the bed and came close to her. She was obstinately staring down at the mattress, and he clenched his fists, a feeling of helplessness taking over his whole body. He didn't know what to do, and hell, it hurt him so much! He put out his hand and delicately touched her cheek with his fingertips, brushing it gently from her cheekbone to her chin. She held her breath and she slightly leaned into his touch, rubbing her face onto his palm.
"Do you feel any pain?" he asked carefully.
She closed her eyes and a few seconds after, a tear rolled down her cheek and died on the hollow of his wrist.
"House, please… don't-"
He sighed heavily and removed his hand from her face.
"Don't what?"
"Don't do this. Don't play the doctor, here, now."
"I'm not playing," he said bitterly, clenching his jaw to contain his anger. "This is not a game."
She looked away and puffed. Of course, this was not a game. Who better than she could be aware of that?
"You once told me I was a brilliant doctor," he added in a hoarse voice, "and that it was what you liked about me."
She finally raised her face to him, and she squinted at him, looking confused and lost.
"That was a long time ago," she answered, trying to decipher what he wanted to tell her with that.
"But that's what you like about me, right?" he insisted.
She heaved a sigh and cautiously took his hand inside hers.
"House, you're a brilliant doctor. That, I don't deny. But you're a brilliant doctor with anyone and, I don't want to feel like I'm anyone to you."
"But I don't know how to be someone else."
Upon hearing his confession, she hunched her shoulders and repressed a sob that died inside her throat and made her gasp for air. House saw the look of hurt on her face and he inwardly cursed himself for being responsible of it. Yet, he was being honest. He'd never lied to her. At least that was something on which she could always rely. That was who he was, with her. And there was not much he could do about the fact that who he was had something to do with being a doctor. Especially now: He couldn't pretend he wasn't one and forget everything he knew while the very idea of losing her simply scared the hell out of him.
"Look at me," he asked softly.
But she stubbornly kept her head down, so close to him but so far away at the same time.
"Cuddy, look at me!" he beseeched. She raised her face and their eyes finally met. "I care. I don't want you to get hurt."
"I know you care." Her voice choked and she inhaled slowly to control her breath.
"I'm sorry. I don't know any other way to do it. I can't help myself dealing with this as a doctor. This is what I can do."
"I know."
"I want you to be fine."
"I'm fine," she objected.
He sighed heavily. He could have taken care of this. He could have looked at her lump. And he could have done the exams himself, analyzed them, rationalized them, anticipated their effects, understood their meaning, and cured her. But she didn't want that from him, and he felt suddenly lost. But what other choice did he have?
"Ok. You're fine. Alright." he said resignedly. "Can I at least ask you some questions?" His eyes were pleading.
Cuddy rose on her knees and crawled toward him until she was facing him and then, she covered his mouth with her fingers to shush him.
"I'm seeing Dr. Gruber in Princeton General. He's probably not the best gynecologist in the whole United States but he's a decent one. I've already done a mammogram and I have an appointment with him in two days to do an ultrasound of my breast," she reeled off, her eyes locked with House's. "I'm gonna be okay," she added, hesitantly, gently removing her hand from his mouth, a little anxious about how he might react to all the information she had just given him.
But he didn't say a word. He kept staring at her, breathing heavily through his mouth, as if he'd been running a mile. She questioned him with her gaze, slightly tilting her head to the side and suddenly he cupped her face and pulled her into him, kissing her greedily, almost violently, with relief, with angst, hope, and fear. All his emotions were contained in that single kiss, one that lasted until, unable to breathe, he was forced to part from her lips. Still cradling her face in his hands, he looked at her and a pang of sadness hit him in the chest.
He wished he didn't see her struggling like she was. He wished he could relax and forget about what'd just happened, what he now knew was there inside her… He wished he could move on while at the same time, he perfectly knew he would never be able to do that. And yet he had to because her eyes were imploring him to do just that.
After a timeless moment of silence, Cuddy slid under the sheets and turned her back to him, rolling to the side and curling herself up in a ball. House took off his robe and, naked again, he lied next to her, spooning her as he wrapped his arms around her and possessively enfolded her in his warmth. He nuzzled her neck and inhaled her scent. In the darkness of the room, he was beginning to breathe quietly and peacefully again when he felt her slightly wiggle against him.
"House?" she whispered. "What if-" He held his breath, waiting. "What if, they have to remove my breast?"
He bit his lip, almost up to the threshold of pain, and he squeezed her tighter against him. But he didn't say a word, because he had no answers to give.
"House?" she called again with a shaky voice.
He took a deep breath and gripped her hands inside his hands strongly.
"You're gonna be okay," he said, hating himself for making her a promise he wasn't sure he could keep.
A/N
it's monday! woo-Hoo, I love mondays... :-)
and wow, I'm so happy to hear from so many new readers who are sharing their thoughts on this story! THANK YOU and welcome!
have a fun time wherever you are! ~ maya
to cosette: ok, ok, je veux bien te donner le lien pour aller lire toute l'histoire sur Fox... qui d'ailleurs n'est pas finie là-bas non plus (à vrai dire, tu m'as complètement attendrie avec l'évocation du vide intersidéral de tes journées! lol... et puis, un peu stupidement, mais soyons honnête, ça me flatte d'une certaine façon que tu souhaites combler ton ennui avec mon histoire... je serais donc ravie de le faire... mais à une condition : au départ, c'est ce que tu as dit, tu ne laissais jamais de revues... puis tu en as laissé 1, puis 2 puis plusieurs, alors, maintenant, même quand tu connaitras toute l'histoire, pas question que tu abandonnes cet endroit! Donc, j'espère bien t'y retrouver malgré tout de temps à autre... bon donc le lien sera à la fin de mon profil perso (normalement tu devrais directement tomber sur l'histoire...) sinon, okazou, cherche dans la section "house fan fics", même titre d'histoire... par contre les commentaires sont mélangés avec les chapitres et pour l'instant, il y a presque 5000 posts pour cette histoire donc il te faudra être patiente pour retrouver les chapitres au milieu de tous les commentaires... et comme en plus, je poste avec des chapitres plus courts sur fox, la numérotation n'est pas la même... oops, bon je me tais, sinon tu vas croire que je veux te décourager! bon et sinon tu reviens ici après! hein? promis? ;)