Thank you so much for all your awesome reviews, faves, and alerts. I enjoy hearing from all of you-some of you are hilarious! Rex the Sex will be your private dancer for an evening!
On a weird, personal note, mama4dukes was Christmas shopping when she encountered an entire family wearing cloaks this evening. No joke! I felt like such a muggle...oh yeah, I am a muggle. Anyway, the mom, dad, daughter, and son each donned cloaks a la Harry Potter or the Volturi. Will someone please explain to me why these cloak covered humans (?) were shopping at a mall on the south shore of Massachusetts? I'm a bit perplexed-snuggies I can try to understand, but cloaks?
This chapter contains stripping and togas, but no cloaks.
This story is AU/OOC.
All characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended.
Mature readers 18+ only please.
Rex's POV
My hair's all bleached and with my golden eyes, I look like a new man. Still good looking though. The parents were all over at the Cullens watching Amanda so that we kids could have a little break. I think they wanted to teach her to be a little more reserved to be honest. Amanda was one strange vampire, she calls most of us by nicknames drilled into her by Peter. I'm Big Major and Jasper is Little Major. Funny. Bella has Amanda reciting Wuthering Heights by heart now. I think she did it as payback for her having burnt all of her books while she was still human. She and Edward are working on getting her to memorize the Harry Potter series now. It's like having a walking audiobook, they both said. Oddly enough, they've banned the Bible from her reading repertoire.
These past few months have been hectic. I was shocked when my change happened—hell, I was surprised. When I woke up, I didn't even know that I had died and was no longer human. That dinner I had with Tanya, Jasper, and Bella was my last meal. Thank God, we went for gelatos in the North End afterwards. That was my last one too. I really miss human food.
Being a vampire suits me just fine. I love my new family and my mate even more. Tanya was everything to me. She and I were totally tuned in to each other. She also knew exactly what I liked in bed. The sex was mind blowing. The other thing that Tanya didn't mind doing was swapping. We swapped partners with Charlotte and Peter at least once a week and sometimes with Kate and Garrett too. It kept things interesting for us.
Tanya and I were closest to Bella and Jasper. Jasper was the brother I never had. He even gave me his name when he changed me. I was now Rex Whitlock. Pretty cool, if you ask me. He and I were always coming up with war strategies and the like together with Garrett. Next year, we're going to Virginia to Colonial Williamsburg to see the recreated revolutionary war town with it's reenactments . We were so psyched. Tanya and Katie were totally not into it, but Bella was like a kid in a candy store. She's a serious history buff. Anyway, Tanya goes anywhere that Bella goes and Katie goes where Garrett goes so it was an easy sell after that.
Now, it might be because Jasper changed me, I don't know why. I felt uber protective about Bella. She was my kid sis through and through. Last weekend, I freaked out when she went to Walmart by herself to pick up a few things. Jasper was out hunting with Vicky so, for some reason, I thought it was my duty to follow her. I ran all the way there and finally caught up with her truck. She was curious as to why I was there so I lied and told her that I needed a few things too and would she mind giving me a ride home. I ended up picking up a stick of deodorant and some shampoo. Bella pointed out that vampires don't need deodorant. I told her that I knew that and that this was something I wanted to try out on Amanda. After that, we ended up picking up every single brand of deodorant in the hopes of finding one to mask Amanda's stink. Wouldn't you know it? We actually found one that worked. Now Amanda smells a little bit like Lysol and moth balls and a lot like Old Spice. See? Lying isn't always a bad thing sometimes it leads to new discoveries.
"You look fucked up!" Jasper commented at my new hair color. "Your hair doesn't match your eyebrows."
"Hey, this shit's only so we can go to Climax. I'm doing it for the girls."
"Um, I don't remember any of us asking you guys to come along." Bella pointed out.
"Touche." I said.
We were running to Climax. It would be quicker than driving and after last night, we didn't want to have to worry about having any vehicles in town, in case we drank too much. Rosalie gave us hell already for yanking the spark plugs out. Apparently, Jasper did something to screw up the connections and now it was going to be a huge job for her to repair. She went on a tirade and screamed at us for an hour straight. She especially came down hard on Peter for letting Jasper touch the truck. "You know how he makes like he knows what he's doing, but he really has no idea. You were there—you're good with engines. I just can't understand why you let him touch it!" Man oh man, the woman brings bitch to a new level.
"Hey, Eddie, are you gonna be able to hold it in tonight?" Peter asked mid-run.
"Yes, I think so. I took precautions just to be safe." He replied.
"What kind of precautions?" I asked, curiously.
"Um...I masturbated ten times."
Did Edward just say he jerked off ten times? His dicks gonna shrivel up and fall off.
"Ten times! Dude, are you okay? I mean, that seems like a lot." Emmett seemed really concerned.
"Well, I didn't want to embarrass myself like the last time, so I had to. I figured that if I got everything out, there wouldn't be anything left in me to expel." Edward said matter of factly.
Out of the blue, Bella suddenly said. "I'm curious. Can vampires get carpal tunnel syndrome from repetitive motion?"
We all burst out laughing—even Edward. Carpal tunnel syndrome? Only Bella would think of such a human condition. The run flew by after that and soon we found ourselves at the outskirts of Boston and we were able to a hop a train from there.
We walked into Climax and tipped Kirk, the manager, to get us a table in front of the stage. He didn't recognize me at all. Good, my disguise was working. We had a huge group with Edward, Rose, Emmett, Vicky, Riley, Char, Peter, Bella, Jasper, Irina, Laurent, Katie, Garrett, Tanya and me—we numbered fifteen. I think Kirk saw dollar signs flashing in front of his eyes—greedy bastard. I recognized most of the employees and found it hard not to greet them, but I couldn't risk blowing my cover. I was supposed to be dead for God's sake. I mean really dead, not technically dead.
We were sitting at the table waiting for our orders to be taken. The women were sitting on one side while the men sat on the other. What the hell was this? Segregation by sex? Are we suddenly back in the dark ages?
Jenny, the cocktail waitress came to take our order. The women were pissed off, they wanted one of the loin cloth clad waiters to take their order. I suspected that Jenny and Jason were going to be trading off—which was usually the case when there was a mixed group like ours. We quickly placed our orders. Just as I suspected, Jason came along to help Jenny bring our drinks and in Char's case, her cock pop.
"So, Eddie, how are you doing?" I asked. Edward had relaxed considerably since Amanda's change. I think learning how to masturbate really helped him.
"Huh?" He muttered. He was currently staring at Jenny's tits in complete awe. He looked wide eyed with wonder. I heard about his last trip here, that was when Carlisle got in my face and yelled at me in the middle of my performance for trying to nuzzle Bella's tits. Apparently, Edward was a lot more uptight then and kept complaining about the strippers. Now he looked like a little boy staring at his first live naked girl.
Suddenly, two guys approached our table. Hang on! I remember them, they were two of my best tippers when I used to work here. "Santa! Yoda! It's so great seeing you guys."
"Hey, Randy! How's it going?" Peter said.
"Wonderful—we're still role playing, you know. The sex has been fantastic. Oh, hello Major Junior and Buzz Lightyear and the two straight guys." Randy greeted.
"I see you have some new boys with you. My name is Kenny and that's my partner Randy." He brought his hand out to shake mine.
"Use an alias, you're supposed to be dead." Jasper whispered so only I could hear.
Oh shit! That's right. Damn it! I can't think of one. "Um...my name is Cullen Denali nice to meet you." Everyone at the table were stifling their laughter.
"No, honey, your stage name. I don't care about your real name. What's your stripper name?" Kenny asked.
"Not the Major, he's dead too." Jasper reminded me.
"He's the Mayonnaise Man." Peter announced.
"Oh, honey, you should never, ever put your sexual preferences in your stage name. I can tell you're still a greenhorn." Kenny pulled up a chair. "I can help you come up with a better name before they have you performing. We can do Major Junior and Buzz Lightyear's names while we're at it. Their names are just as horrific. Oh and Major Junior, it would be very poor taste for you to continue using the name The Major in light of the recent passing of the real Major."
Everyone was chuckling at our table. "I'm so sorry, we've been ignoring you. What's your name, sweetheart?" Randy asked Edward.
Edward was unusually relaxed, stood up and walked around the table to Bella. "I'm Edward. I'm straight and this is my girlfriend Bella." He picked Bella up and sat on her chair, placing her on his lap. This action elicited a growl from Jasper.
"Ooh! Now that's sexy. We need to incorporate that growl into your act, Major Junior." Randy said to Jasper. "By the way, Edward, there's absolutely no way you're straight. Not with the way you dress and talk. I don't believe you."
"Wait! What do you mean by the way I dress and talk?"
"Well, come on those are Hugo Boss Slim Fit Pants with a slight low rise and you've paired it impeccably with a starched Armani Exchange Diamond Burnout Shirt. Oh, and those Gucci loafers are to die for. Plus your hair is perfectly coiffed into sex hair. We all need to watch and learn from you." Randy said. "Now be honest. Is Bella your beard?"
Rosalie who was sitting next to Bella grabbed her from a mortified Edward and plopped her face down so her stomach was on her lap. She spanked Bella's ass and said. "Didn't I tell you that I didn't want you pretending to be his girlfriend anymore bitch? You're mine—now show me that you understand that."
Bella looked at Rose remorsefully. "I'm sorry mistress. I only belong to you. You can punish me more later." She then nuzzled Rose's neck leaving all of us men looking stunned. They, then, both looked up at us with smug smiles.
"Well, we need to get going. Our friends just arrived." Kenny said. "We'll work on your names later. Oh and look out for The Cowboy. Oh God! He is completely droolworthy. The last time I saw him I nearly came in my pants!" For some reason, we all turned to look at Edward when we heard that.
As soon as Kenny and Randy left to go sit with their friends, Emmett blurted out to Rose and Bella, "What the hell was that all about?"
"Oh, we were role playing." Bella said.
"Role playing? You two aren't together, are you?" Emmett asked innocently.
"No, why would you think that?" Rose asked.
"It's just that you two looked so comfortable together." Emmett admitted.
Bella and Rose both started laughing. "Emmett, what you just witnessed was our Provincetown alter egos. You know, the one we used at the Lonely Barmaid." Rose assured her mate.
"Oh, so you're not...Phew! I thought you were leaving me for Bella." Emmett let out a huge sigh of relief and Rose went to sit on Emmett's lap. At the same time, Jasper made his way over to Bella and plopped her on his lap and started kissing her neck.
I was curious, so I asked Peter, "What did those guys mean by not putting my sexual preferences out there when you called me Mayonnaise Man?" By the looks of it, everyone else was curious too, except for Bella and Riley who were both clutching their stomachs laughing.
"I don't know what those guys meant either." Peter admitted. Bella and Riley were now howling.
"A Mayonnaise Man is a gay male that likes to finish on top of his partner then enjoy the fruits of his labor by spreading his mayo between them." Riley chuckled.
"That's fucking sick man!" I blurted out. "Why the hell did you give me that stripper name? I demand a better one!"
"I don't know, I looked at your hair and it looks like the color of mayo so I just called you Mayonnaise Man." Peter said. Just my luck. Peter comes up with a name and it happens to be some kind of freaky sex act.
"Who's that?" Edward asked, pointing to the dancer on stage.
"Oh, that's Bambi. Come on guys, let's go show Eddie here how to tip a stripper." I suggested.
"Remember your control, Edward." Char yelled as we left for the stage.
"Okay, Eddie, hold the twenty up and when she sees it you either slip it in the elastic of her thong or in her bra strap if she still has it on." I instructed.
"I have to touch her? What if I...you know?" Edward looked absolutely bewildered.
"Here, watch Garrett first." Bambi spanked her own ass and bent forward at the waist while Garrett and Peter both slipped twenties into the elastic of her thong. Edward stared open mouthed at the whole scene. He tried to go back to the table, but Jasper and Emmett had a firm hold on him and sent him back in front of Bambi.
"Here, wave this in front of your face." Jasper handed Eddie an twenty.
Bambi leaned down so her breasts were directly within Edward's line of sight. Edward started panting.
"Alright, now slip the twenty in her bra strap." Jasper commanded. Edward's hand wouldn't move.
"Aww...do we have a cherry boy here?" Bambi looked thoughtfully at Eddie. "Don't worry, baby, I won't bite."
Edward stood stock still and wide eyed in front of Bambi. Laurent reached over and guided Edward's hand towards Bambi's bra strap. Edward finally mustered the courage to slip the twenty under the strap. He quickly retreated his hand into his pocket.
"Thank you." Bambi said sweetly and kissed Edward on the cheek. Edward gulped. Bambi went back to dancing seductively. After her dance, we went back to the table where the girls all gave Eddie a round of applause.
"You did it!' Tanya cheered.
We went back to just hanging out and chatting. Suddenly, from a distance, we heard voices call out, "Bella!"
We all looked up. Bella's jaw dropped. "Shit!" Bella muttered.
A young blonde dude that looked like he came straight out of the Abercrombie and Fitch ads came stalking up to our table. "God, Sugar Lips, I didn't think I'd ever see you again. Where've you been? I tried calling you, but your phone wasn't in service. I went to your apartment, but you had moved."
Sugar Lips? Who the fuck is this loser? Was Bella banging him or something? I looked around our table and all the guys had menacing scowls on their faces while the girls looked intrigued. Char was licking her lips.
"You must be Tommy." Edward stated.
"Yeah, that's right." Tommy confirmed. Jasper and Peter both growled.
"Settle down, he's harmless." Riley whispered so only we could hear. "Hey, Tommy. How've you been? What have you been up to? Were you able to find a job after graduation?"
"Good, thanks. I'm working in advertising now. I just closed on a huge account so I'm celebrating." Tommy said.
"Hey, good for you." Riley congratulated.
"So, Sugar Lips, you want to come hang with us. The old gang is here. Maybe you and I could get together after we pound back a few. We always have a blast, don't we baby?"
Hell no! Jasper, Edward, Peter, Emmett, Garrett, and I all stood up instantly.
"Um guys, you can all sit." Bella said. "Tommy, I'm married."
"You're married? To whom? When the hell did this happen?"
"A few months ago. We eloped. This is my husband, Jasper."
"Nice to meet you." Tommy extended his hand to Jasper which he shook. "You've got a great girl here."
"I know." Jasper stated simply.
"I'll tell you what, Tommy. I'll come and say hello to everyone in a bit, okay? Are Megan and Kelly here too?" Bella asked.
"Yep, so are Brian, Scott, Ashley, and Jeff." Tommy confirmed.
"Okay, I'll see you guys in a bit."
Tommy walked back to his table, no doubt to break the news that Bella was married.
"You better fucking dish right now, girl!" Charlotte said. "That guy is hot..H-O-T..hot!"
"No, shit! How long were you fucking him?" Rose asked.
"Ahem!" Peter cleared his throat. "We're still here ladies—you know, your mates."
"Yeah, yeah, we know you're our mates. It's not like we're gonna go and jump the guy. We just want to hear all the dirty details." Tanya said. "That is a human sex on legs."
"There really isn't anything to tell. He's my ex-boyfriend. We broke up a couple of years ago. That's all." Bella said.
"Uh-huh, sure you did. It didn't seem like it to me sis." Rose said.
"Besides," Char added, "that's the type of guy you hang on to for fringe benefits. He's completely fuckworthy."
Bella stared at her drink then looked down at her feet. In fact, she was looking anywhere, but at us.
"Oh my God! You were banging him after you broke up with him!" My wife stated.
"Bella!" Vicky said. "Is that where you were whenever you said you were sleeping over at Kelly's?"
"It's all in the past." Bella said. "Besides, I don't see how it's any of your business."
"Bella!" Two chirpy female voices approached the table. It was Megan and Kelly from the wedding.
"So, let's meet him. Where's your husband? Tommy's all depressed that he didn't get one last fuck in before you tied the knot, by the way."
"Megan, Kelly." Bella stood up to give her friends a hug.
"You feel so cold. Are you coming down with something?" Kelly asked.
"Yeah, I'm just getting over the flu." Bella coughed. We all sniggered. "Um this is my husband, Jasper. You met him at Megan's reception."
"Oh, yeah. Hey, you have to thank your father for footing the liquor bill. That was completely unnecessary." Megan said.
"No problem, sugar." Jasper drawled. We could smell both girls instant arousal at hearing Jasper's accent.
"So you eloped? When did this happen? Why the fuck didn't you tell us? You know we tried calling, but your cell was disconnected." Kelly said to Bella.
"Oh...um, sorry about that. I switched over to Jasper's plan and for some reason I couldn't port my old number over. I lost all my contacts then too." Bella lied—efficiently, I should add.
"Well, come on! We're playing beer pong like when we were in college." Megan said excitedly.
"We'll play! We like Bella's college games." Char and Tanya both stood up, grabbed Bella by the arm and pushed her towards her friends' table with Rose following close behind.
"You guys gonna just sit here and let them loose or are we joining in?" Jasper asked.
In an instant, we were following our mates. Peter grabbed Edward and tugged him along with us.
Bella's friends were all animals. The girls and the guys both partied hard. It was guys against girls and the guys were winning. All the vampires had to miss sometimes to make it seem like we're human. Edward was actually socializing and having fun.
Somewhere along the line, we moved on from beer pong to tequila pong. The humans were all completely inebriated. Edward, who had never touched liquor before in his life, was completely drunk. The rest of us were totally unaffected by the small amount.
"You have really nice breasts. Can I see them naked?" Edward slurred to Bella. Bella slapped her forehead. Edward was currently ogling Bella's cleavage.
"She does, doesn't she?" Tommy said, joining Edward. "She can do amazing things with them."
Emmett and I were holding Jasper down because he looked like he was going to claw apart the entire club starting with Tommy. A low, rumbling growl escaped from his chest. The human women instantly became aroused.
"So Tanya, did you ever go out with that Rex guy?" Kelly asked. "Can you believe what happened to him—so tragic."
"I went out on a date with him. He was really no big deal though. Kind of boorish, if you ask me." Tanya said, smirking at me. "It's too bad about his accident." Wait! Wait! No big deal? What the hell, woman? I died for you on our one date.
"Really? It was kind of nice how he ripped his shirt off to wrap my ankle at the reception, but then when you think about it—he was also kind of rude. I mean he disappeared all night to talk to you. You could tell the guy was a total player." Kelly said.
"Did you girls think about the fact that he's probably a flamer. All strippers are. Think about it. You can't be that perfect." Megan added.
"Oh my God! You're right. Rex was probably batting for the other team. In fact, I heard he was dating one of the waiters at the club." Char grinned maliciously at me.
"Yeah, apparently they were supposed to get married in August." Rose played along. "I heard it from one of my clients."
Jasper was laughing and he projected his humor throughout the club. The entire club was laughing. Even I was and I was actually pretty pissed off.
"Reign it in!" Peter admonished Jasper. None of us noticed that Tanya had disappeared for a few minutes. She returned to the table with a huge smile on her face.
The loin cloth clad waiter came back to the table with a tray. "Cock Pops for the women, courtesy of Miss Tanya." He said. "Jack Daniels for the men."
She didn't? She did. That sly devil.
All the girls were licking and sucking their Cock Pops as if it were the real thing. My mate, Bella, Char, Rose, and Megan were doing it while staring into their husbands' eyes. Jasper, Emmett, and Peter's orbs were coal black. The men could no longer concentrate on throwing the ping pong balls straight and kept missing. We were going to lose this match.
All of a sudden, I felt a wave of lust wash over me. Shit! Jasper was projecting. The entire club seemed to be locked in some kind of erotic frenzy. I looked over to our table and saw that Irina was under the table giving Laurent a blow while Garrett and Katie were furiously kissing and groping each other. Riley had Vicky splayed flat on her back across the table, he was about to rip her clothes off and claim her. Edward was gone—he had pulled a chair up in front of the female stripper's stage and was currently enjoying his first lap dance from Bambi who was dangerously close to breaking that no touching rule.
"Jasper, you're projecting." I whispered. "Riley's gonna claim Vicky any second now. Look—he just ripped her thong off and his pants are already undone.
"Fuck! Sorry!" He said just as Bella smiled and took a big bite out of her Cock Pop.
"Ouch! Don't do that!" I said, cringing at the image that made my dick shrivel. "We men have sensitive parts."
An announcement could be heard over the speakers. "Alright Ladies. The man of the hour is up. You've all been waiting for him. Give it up for The Cowboy!" Faster than lightening, all the women—human and vampire disappeared, leaving us men sitting around twiddling our thumbs.
"What the hell's the big deal about this guy?" Tommy said as the female population exploded in cheers for the dude that called himself the Cowboy.
"Shit, I don't know. Let's go get a closer look." I suggested. We all went to see what the big deal was.
Char had climbed up on the stage and had a hundred dollar bill fisted in each hand and one shoved in between her tits. I knew for a fact that there was no way the Cowboy was going to throw Char off the stage. I was him at one point. The three hundred bucks that Char was offering up would probably cover a quarter of his rent or take care of a car payment. He wasn't going to let that go so easily.
"Get the fuck down here woman!" Peter growled. "What the fuck is the big deal about this guy? Char, I'm more of a cowboy than he is. Who the hell dances to 'Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy'? That's so fucking cliché. Couldn't he be more original?"
"Peter, shut the fuck up and go watch the female strippers. You're ruining it for us!" Vicky admonished.
"No shit, we're just watching our fantasy male for the duration of one song. Jesus. It's not like we're going to screw him or anything!" Katie zapped Peter with her pinky, making him yelp.
The Cowboy was decent—not as good as me, but he could hold his own. I bet if I still wo...what the fuck is my mate doing up on stage? Holy hell, she and Char are sandwiching him. Get your fucking paws off of my women—that's right, my women. Only Peter and I get to touch those two works of art. Did my mate just spank his ass? Damn it, Tanya, get off the fucking stage. What part of mine doesn't she understand? That's it, I'm fucking asking her to marry me. I know what I said about marriage being just a piece of paper, but lately I've been pondering the idea more and more. I can't take this shit anymore. My woman runs around like a loose cannon all over New England. I wonder if Bella and Jasper would be willing to stand up for us?
I backed away from the stage and watched from afar. I felt warm fingers clasp around my hand—it was Bella. She was looking up at me smiling so I gave her a little hug. "Why aren't you up by the stage with the rest of the women?" I asked.
Bella shrugged her shoulders. "He's not that great. You had way more skill. All this guy does is gyrate. Plus he puts too much oil on. Blech!"
Yeah, he did look like he bathed in a vat of oil. "He seems pretty popular." I said.
"Nah, he's nothing compared to you. The whole place used to go nuts whenever you were on stage. You just had this way about you that drew everyone in. The Cowboy doesn't have The Major's charisma. Plus, you're beaucoup hotter than he is." Bella winked.
Just hearing Bella's words made me feel better already. She and I had been close since my awakening. For a while there, she was the only one that could approach me without my power affecting her. She was also the only one that Tanya would allow near me. She trusted Bella implicitly.
"Come on, let's go dance." I pulled Bella with me onto the dance floor. Edward soon joined us and the three of us were having a grand ol' time. Edward was surprisingly light on his feet. Bella explained that Edward had always had rhythm and loved to dance. She was the one that hated to dance. In fact, Edward had to force her to go to the prom. It was only after she moved in with Riley, Vicky, Laurent, and Irina that she started to enjoy dancing. They danced in their apartment all the time so they could keep Vicky's mind off of her bloodlust. Eventually, Bella found that the dancing was helping her with her balance, so she kept up with it.
Rosalie joined us on the dance floor a few minutes later. Everyone else was sitting back at our original table chatting. Some of Bella's human friends, including that guy Tommy, bumped into us on the dance floor and we ended up being a pretty big group.
I don't know what made me do it, but I hopped up onto the bar, pulling Bella up along with me and started dancing. Edward and Rose hopped up too—so did Bella's friends Tommy and Kelly. We were dancing up a storm on the bar and having a blast. The women soon hopped down and it was just me, Edward, and Tommy.
"Come on, let's show these women what real men look like." Tommy suggested.
"Hell yeah!" Edward cheered.
"Stop it! Get the fuck off the bar guys!" I heard Bella admonish. "The bartender looks pissed."
"Aw...come on Sugar Lips, you used to never be so uptight." Tommy said.
"Yeah, baby, we're just having some fun." Edward supported his new best friend.
"Eddie, man, you sure know how to party. We should crash a wedding next weekend. You in?"
"Fuck yeah!" Drunkward high fived Tommy then turned to me. "Come on, Re...Mayo Man, show us how it's done. Don't let that fucking loser Cowboy outdo you."
That did it. Something made me snap. The music switched to AC/DC's "Shoot to Thrill" and I was off. I moved in between Bella's two exes and started showing everyone at the club how it was done. Damn it—I missed this. The women in the club seemed to migrate our way and before you knew it—Brad the Cop had lost most of his audience to us. Good for him, the guy was always an egotistical piece of shit that treated women like dirt anyway.
"Alright, guys, on the count of three I want you to rip your shirts off...ready? One...Two...Three!" We all ripped our shirts off and the entire club exploded in thundering applause. Suddenly, women were waving cash at us, but the three of us didn't take any. When they realized this, they started waving their panties at us. Someone waved a gigantic bra at us—whoever it was had huge tits.
"Char! Put your fucking bra back on!" I heard Peter yell.
"Oh God, Kenny! Mayonnaise Man just made me cum in my pants." Randy gushed.
"Hey, do you think that sweetie Eddie might want to come home with us?" Kenny asked.
The song was reaching it's climax. The three of us were still bumping and grinding to the cheers of all the women in the club.
"This is it guys—time for the finale. Rip your pants off, okay?" I told my two partners in crime. On the count of three, Eddie and I ripped our pants off. Unfortunately, Tommy—being human, didn't have the strength to rip his pants off so he just let his fall to the ground.
"Hey, how did you guys do that?" Tommy asked.
"Uh...we workout." I lied.
"Shit, I've got to bump up my training. I'm getting weak." Tommy mused.
Bella and Jasper rushed up to us. "We need to get out of here guys. You and Edward are in your boxers and this dude," Jasper pointed to Tommy with a scowl, "is shirtless."
Yeah, probably a good idea. I noticed Kirk, the greedy manager making a beeline straight for us. "Hello, my name is Kirk, I'm the manager here. I noticed your little performance on the bar. Let me be straight with you right off the bat. I'd like to offer you jobs here as dancers. I think you'd do very well here, you're obviously not shy."
The three of us all made our excuses, but Kirk insisted we take his business card and think about it. He then turned to Bella. "I think you'd do well on stage too beautiful. The men obviously like you and I think you'd make a ton in tips. Maybe we can set up a private audition for you?" He held his business card out while eyeing Bella up and down as if she were a piece of meat.
Private audition? That motherfucking grease bucket! Eddie and I immediately flanked Jasper who had put Bella behind him where Riley and Laurent both had a protective around her. Her former fuckbuddy Tommy and his friends Brian, Scott, and Jeff surrounded Kirk, ready to lay the smackdown on him.
Jasper got right in Kirk's face. "Quit eye-fucking my wife before I rip you a new one, you slimy piece of shit!" Kirk gulped, started shaking, and actually ran from us towards his office.
"Dude! That was awesome! You scared the fuck out of that asshole!" Tommy cheered and high-fived Jasper. Meanwhile, I had about a hundred women surrounding me, trying to hand me their numbers. Eddie and Tommy were doing pretty well themselves.
Tanya was getting pissed off about all the women trying to pick me up. Bella actually set her straight and told her that if she couldn't handle the attention I was getting then maybe she should consider paying a bit more attention to me. I'll have to thank her later.
We said our goodbyes to Bella's friends, promising to keep in touch, and headed home after that. The others surrounded Edward and me until we got to an area secluded enough for us to start running. Jasper and Bella went their separate ways promising to see us tomorrow. Lucky fuckers. I wish Tanya and I had our own pad to call home.
Before she left, Bella gave me a hug and said. "You've still got it, Major."
"Yeah, I guess I do." I smiled, she winked, and headed away from us with her mate. She's right, I've still got it.
Amanda's POV
This was really boring. I was sitting in the living room with Carlisle, Esme, Eleazar, and Carmen and watching movies. Usually, I love movies, but they were watching a really old, boring black and white one. Usually when Petey Papa and Belly Mama watch movies with me, they pick really good ones. We watch Star Wars a lot, of course, but my favorites are American Pie, Animal House, and Van Wilder. Petey Papa told me that I can't tell Belly Mama that we watched those. He had way better taste in movies than everyone else in the family. Belly Mama wasn't so bad, she watched Grease and Sixteen Candles with me. Afterwards, we started singing along to all the songs in Grease. That was fun. Little Major usually watches the Rush Hour movies with me. They're really funny. Emmy and I sat through all three High School Musical movies together. He even bought me the soundtracks.
I wonder if I'll ever get to go to high school? I'd like to be a cheerleader. I also want to go to the prom. High School just seems like a great place. I should ask Vicky about it because she works at a high school. Apparently, when I was a human, I never got to go to school except for college because my parents homeschooled me. Vicky is homeschooling me now, but it's only because of my bloodlust. I really hope I can go to school soon.
When are they coming home? I know that Belly Mama said she and Little Major wouldn't be home until tomorrow, but Petey Papa and Edward Mate should be home soon. I really wish I could have gone with them, but they said that I was still dangerous because of my bloodlust. Belly Mama promised me that as soon as my bloodlust was under control, she would take me to the theatre to see Grease. I really love Belly Mama—she's so nice and she takes good care of me.
I've been a vampire for almost four months now. I don't remember a single thing about my human life. I didn't even know that my name was Amanda. From what everyone tells me, I wasn't a very nice human girl. If that's the case, I really don't want to know about the human me. She can stay dead as far as I'm concerned.
Supposedly, I'm Edward Mate's wife. It feels so weird knowing that I'm someone's wife. I noticed that we don't do stuff that husbands and wives normally do. I know that he wants to and I think I do too, but I think I need to get to know him better. I just feel like we should date or something. Besides, I feel way too young to be married. Belly Mama said that I should wait until I'm ready. She said that I should never do anything just because a man tells me to and that I need to learn to start thinking for myself. She also said that she'd always be there for me. So did Petey Papa. Belly Mama showed me how to use the cell phone, so now I can call her anytime. I can also talk to her over the computer. Emmy should me how to surf the net and do all sorts of stuff on it.
Oh, they're home. "Honey, I'm home!" Edward Mate yelled as he walked into the house. Ew! He smells really funny. I ran to Petey Papa who held me by his side.
Edward Mate stalked towards me, grabbed me, and kissed me with his tongue. Um...it felt nice, but he's acting really weird. Petey Papa pushed me behind him. "Hey, give me back my mate!" Edward Mate demanded.
"Hell no! You're drunk Edward, you need to sober up." Petey Papa said. He always protected me from danger, so did Belly Mama.
"Hey, Amanda! Do you want to dance. We can dance to AC/DC! 'Shoot to thrill, play to kill, too many women...'" Edward Mate was on the dining table swinging his hips.
"EDWARD MASEN! GET DOWN FROM THE DINING TABLE NOW!" Esme roared. She really scared me. I don't like how she was really mean to Belly Mama and Little Major. I don't really like spending time with her. Belly Mama is so much nicer—she doesn't tell me what to do.
Edward Mate laid down on the dining table and placed little glasses all over his body. "Who wants to do body shots off of me?"
"Edward, we're done partying for the night." Riley said. "You need to put some clothes on."
"I want to party some more." He whined. "Maybe Tommy wants to hang out or something."
"Who's Tommy?" Carlisle asked.
"He's my new best friend. He's also Bella's former fuckbuddy." Edward Mate explained.
"What fuckbuddy? Why the hell would my daughter have a fuckbuddy. Someone better explain things to me now!" Carlisle seemed pretty upset.
I didn't know what the big deal with. They have fuckbuddies in the movies all the time. They seem like a pretty good idea.
"Um...Dad, Bella wasn't exactly a virgin when she met Jasper." Riley explained.
"What?" Carlisle blurted out. "How could that be?"
"Oh, come on Dad! We were gone for five crucial years of her life. There was no way she was going to stay a virgin. She would have fucked Edward in Forks if he weren't such a pansy." Rose pointed out.
"I'm disappointed in you for not preventing it, son." Carlisle seemed really angry at Riley.
"Oh, believe me, I wanted to rip Blake's head off too. He was a pretentious ass." Riley said.
"Blake? I thought you said his name was Tommy?" Carlisle had a bewildered expression on his face.
"Tommy was after Blake. Tommy was much more fun." Vicky explained with a dreamy look on her face. "Better looking too—he has chiseled abs and all."
"Enough talk about Bella. I want to party. Maybe I can run to a college campus and find a toga party to go to." Edward Mate pondered.
A toga party? I saw that in Animal House. Ooh! I want to go to one. I ran to the linen closet and grabbed some sheets. I quickly tied one on me and brought one out to Edward Mate. "Toga?" I offered, holding the sheet out to him.
Edward Mate jumped off the table and wrapped the toga around him. "Toga, toga, toga!" We both chanted.
Maybe Amanda needs to have a little fun, I heard Petey Papa say. Before I knew it, everyone except for the dull parents were dressed in togas and dancing in the living room.
"This was a great idea, Amanda!" Irina said.
"Really?" I asked.
"Yes, really. I love dancing. Come on, I'll teach you." Irina pulled me into a hug before teaching me how to dance. "I taught Belly Mama how to dance too."
I felt really good because I had finally done something to make everyone happy. I wished Belly Mama, Little Major, Sweet Punani, Big Major, Zapper, and the War Horse were here though. Maybe we can have another toga party again sometime soon.
So, did you like hearing from Rex and Amanda? What did you think of Drunkward? Let me know. I love hearing from you and I'll always write back. Happy Christmas to all who celebrate!