Thank you, Gracias, Merci, Danke, Shukran, Mahalo, and Arigato for all your wonderful reviews, faves, and alerts. I truly appreciate all of you. Emmett and Bella will build a giant snowman in your front yard for you.
This chapter contains swearing, excessive mention of titties, and barbeque.
I do not and never will claim to be a mental health specialist.
This story is AU/OOC.
All characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended.
Mature readers 18+ only.
Mike's POV
Ouch! Ow! Holy fuck! It's hot! I think I'm in hell. Yeah, that's where I am, I've been sent to hell. At least the very last memory I have are of Bella Swan and Rosalie Hale's titties. God damn—they were both magnificent. I didn't do either of them justice when I was jerking off to the thought of them for all those years. I thought I had died and gone to heaven when their tits were finally thrust into my face live. Turns out God had other plans for me, obviously with this burning heat I'm being sent straight to hell. Had I known this in advance, I would have at least nuzzled my face in both of their tits. At least that would have made hell worth it.
I hear voices around me. "Be on the ready kids. His heart is quickening." I think it was Doc Cullen. What the hell does he mean by my heart is quickening? Why is he in hell in the first place?
"Um, shouldn't we remove the gag?" I heard a female voice ask. "He's gonna chew right through it."
"Good idea." I heard Doc Cullen say. I felt a soft hand lift my head up slightly and unlatch something. Weird. Whoever it was smells heavenly.
Hmm...what's that drumming sound? It's coming from my chest—what the fuck? Holy shit! If I thought the burning embers of hell were hot, this shit's even worse. I think I'm having a heart attack. Oh wait, if I'm in hell, I'm dead already. Maybe this is some kind of fucked up initiation process to get into hell—kind of like joining a frat. I wonder if there's a pledging period. I hope not, I didn't enjoy being hazed at all. At least I know there are women in hell. Shit! What's with all this pain! I hope it's not permanent. Holy hell! My heart sounds like microwave popcorn on steroids.
Phew! It's slowing down now. The pain's going away too. The pops are getting further and further apart—I must be fully cooked now. The popping just stopped. I hope they have microwave popcorn in hell, it goes well with beer. I could really use a beer right now. They better have a keg—it would be hell if they didn't have one. I mean, alcohol is a vice, right? It would only make sense for there to be a keg tapped 24/7 in hell.
Well, I might as well open my eyes to find out. Whoa! Everything is clear as day here. My vision must now be beyond 20/20. What's Jasper Hale doing in hell? Is that Bella's sister-in-law? Holy fuck it is—it's the one with the hot ass that used to threaten me in Forks every time I asked Bella out. There's Doc Cullen, but I knew he was here. Why? I have no idea. He seemed like an upstanding citizen when we were in Forks. Sweet Jesus, Mary, and Joseph those have got to be the hugest pair of tits I've ever seen. Hot damn! They're attached to the second cutest blonde chick I've ever seen. If this is hell, then I'm in heaven. I may as well introduce myself.
No sooner than that thought crossed my mind, I found myself standing toe to toe with cutie. "Hi, baby, my name is Mike. I just got here. I need someone to show me around, maybe give me a blow or two. Don't worry, I like to reciprocate." Cutie giggled.
Ow! Who the fuck is this dude and why the hell does he have me shoved up against a wall? "Stay the hell away from my mate fucker!"
I raised my hands in surrender. I'm a non-violent guy and I didn't want to cause trouble on my first day in hell. "Dude, I had no idea she was with you. I mean no harm. You should be proud. She's really cute. In fact, she's the second cutest blonde chick I've ever seen. Rosalie Hale is the cutest. No, you know what? Your mate is the cutest blonde chick ever. Rosalie Hale is the hottest. Now, the hottest brunette is Bella Swan, but I digress, you wouldn't know Rosalie Hale or Bella Swan and I doubt they'd be going to hell. They send angels like them straight to heaven. My name's Mike by the way, what's yours?" I stuck my hand out to shake my bully's hand.
"Is this guy for real?" My bully asked, then released his hold on me.
Jasper Hale who was laughing uncontrollably, then spoke. "Mike, do you remember me?"
"Uh, yeah. How are you Jasper? How did you get to hell?"
"You're not in hell, Mike. You're in New Hampshire. Don't you remember coming here with Alice?"
"Alice? Alice? Hmm...oh yeah, short, skinny-chick, no tits, squeaky, annoying fucking voice, fucks like a dead board?"
"That's her." Jasper chuckled. "What do you remember about her?"
"Uh, I met her in Walmart in Oregon. She has some kind of weird men's underwear fetish. She's a vampire and, holy fuck, so are you and the doc. We were dating because she's my mate. I was supposed to be changed into a vampire, that's why I'm in New Hampshire. Wait a minute! Am I a vampire?"
"Yes, you are."
"Huh. How did that happen? I thought it was supposed to be all planned and shit. Hey, is Bella Swan still single? I'd really like a chance to date her. She's really hot and her voice isn't as annoying as Alice's."
"Mike, this is very important. Bella is off limits to you. She's my wife."
"Really? Dude, congratulations! You scored the hottest babe in the world. You fucking lucky piece of shit. I don't blame you for marrying her, man. I would have tied the knot with her as soon as I could too. I wouldn't want anyone else snagging her."
"Uh, thanks." Jasper said with a surprised look on his face.
"Hey, can I get a beer or something? I'm kind of parched."
"We need to take him for a hunt." My bully said. "Should we bring Psycho Bitch with us?"
"Who's Psycho Bitch?" I asked. I wasn't sure I wanted to meet anyone named Psycho Bitch.
"Your mate." Everyone said all at once. Great, my mate is known as Psycho Bitch to her family.
"Haha! That's a good one for her! The ol' ball and chain is a pain in the ass. If it weren't for that incessant pain in the chest when I'm away from her, I wouldn't be with her at all. She's not really my type. I like more adventurous girls in bed. That Lauren Mallory was really good in bed. I fucked her a few times in college, but who didn't. I bet you dove into that pussy a few times while you were in Forks, Jasper. You know, I think almost every guy in my graduating class at Forks High lost their virginity to her."
"Hehehehe! Hey, I like this guy! He's a riot!" My bully said. "Mike, I'm Peter. Cutie is my wife Charlotte and the gorgeous red head with the hot ass is Vicky. She's Bella's sister in law, you may have met her while she was in Forks. We're gonna get you fed now. We'll leave the ol' ball and chain here for a while. She's busy trying to renovate your wing of the house anyway. Kind of hard with only a finger and a thumb on each hand. Well, come on." Only a finger and a thumb? That's odd. I could swear she had a full set of digits on each hand when we were in Oregon.
I followed Peter and Jasper out of the house. We were flying through the woods! Shit! "Dudes! If I had this speed while I was playing football in high school, I could have been like Riley Biers—two time All American quarterback of the Washington Huskies. The guy was so fast, he once outstripped the running back on his team. He could have gone pro—he was so good, but he went for his Master's Degree instead. Fucking idiot!"
For some reason, Jasper and Peter both started laughing when I said that. I was about to ask them what was so funny when I smelled something so delicious, I started drooling—literally. I stopped to inhale the delicious scent. "Uh, hey guys. It smells like someone's having a barbeque in the woods. Maybe we can go crash it—see if they'll share some ribs with us." I suggested.
"Okay, Mike, you're obviously smelling something pretty wonderful." Peter chuckled. "I want you to close your eyes and tell me where you think that mouthwatering smell is coming from."
"Um, that way" I pointed beyond the trees. "It's pretty easy. I've always had a built in GPS of sorts for good barbeque. I hope they have beer there too."
Jasper and Peter both got perplexed expressions on their faces. "Why don't you follow your barbeque GPS and go in the direction it's telling you to." Peter said.
I found myself running through the woods as I followed the scent. I inhaled a deep breath as I approached it. That's funny. I know I have the right spot, but all I see is a moose. "Guys, we must have just missed them, all I see is this moose." Holy fuck! I'm super thirsty and my throat really hurts. "Guys! I need to see the doc when I get back. I think I might be coming down with strep throat. I have a scorching pain in my throat. My tonsils feel like they're on fire. Hey, I wonder if Lauren Mallory had the clap or something. I went down on her right before coming here. Maybe that's what's causing the burning pain in my throat."
"Mike, you need to go after that moose. You're thirsty." Jasper encouraged.
"Dude! Seriously? I don't do raw meat, man! That shit needs to be well done." I objected. "Besides, I've never even had moose. I had venison once, but only because my dad made me eat it."
Jasper and Peter both had seriously confused looks. "Uh, Mike. Just close your eyes and keep them shut. Don't open them until I say you can." Jasper said to me. I felt a rush of wind swoop by me and then a loud snap as someone approached me. "Keep your eyes closed, Mike. What do you smell?"
I inhaled a deep breath and said, "Barbequed ribs." I, then, leaned down and bit straight into it. I tried to chew it, but I couldn't.
"Mike, suck on it like you're sucking on a girl's titties." Peter instructed.
Well, fuck, now that I can do. I was a titty man. I imagined I was taking turns sucking on Bella Swan, Rosalie Hale, and Charlotte's titties. What Jasper and Peter didn't know wouldn't hurt them. Hey, my strep throat is going away. Cool!
"Okay, you can open your eyes now, Mike." Jasper said.
I looked down and was horrified by what I saw. I was covered in blood and the moose was dead. "Did I do that?" I asked.
"Some of it, yes, but Peter actually snapped the moose's neck for you to make it easier." Jasper took a deep breath. "Mike, what did Alice tell you about the feeding habits of vampires?"
"Nothing. I assumed you guys ate like we do. I only had dinner with Alice a few times so I wouldn't really know. You see, I have three stores—two in Washington and one in Oregon so I'm always on the road driving between them. Speaking of which, you guys have internet connection, right? I really have to check-in with my stores."
Jasper's POV
Bitch! The little fucking idiot! God damn it! It appears my twit of an ex-wife didn't bother telling her mate a thing about being a vampire. For God's sake, he didn't even know that we hunted animals or consumed blood even.
I have to admit that he wasn't as bad as I remembered him to be. After being threatened for coming on to Char, he complemented Peter on how cute she was and diffused the situation. Later, when he asked whether Bella was available or not and I told him that she and I were married, he actually congratulated me. He even said that he would have married her as soon as possible to get her off the market too. Of all the people in the world, I never imagined Mike Newton would be the first one to congratulate me on my nuptials.
His control for a newborn was pretty surprising. He had bloodlust, but he was able to somehow tamper down on it. He didn't attack the moose right away. Peter had to actually present it to him then he tried to masticate it instead of draining it. It wasn't until Pete told him to make like it was a girl's titties that he started actually sucking down the blood. He follows directions well, so he'll be fairly easy to train.
I decided we needed to sit down and have a chat with Mike away from Psycho Bitch so I hunkered down into the snow. Pete and Mike followed my lead. "So, Mike, how did you discover that you and Alice were mates?"
"Well, I was shopping at Walmart one day for new underwear when I ran into Alice. I recognized her and said hello to her. She grabs my hand and tells me that she'd been hanging out in the men's underwear section waiting for me all day. The weird thing was, as soon as she touched my hand I felt a jolt of electricity and tingles. Anyway, I asked her out to dinner and she accepted so that's what we did."
Mike continued with his story. "After that, we started dating. She was living at a Motel 6 at the time so I'd always pick her up there. I already told you that I own three stores so I'm on the road a lot—anyway, whenever I was away from her, I felt this horrific pain in my chest. It was almost like I was being buried under cement or something. I went to the emergency room a couple of times for that and the doctors all said that I was having panic attacks. I went to break up with Alice because I figured, if she's making me have panic attacks, she must not be good for me. That's when she explained about how you guys were all vampires and how she and I were mates."
"After you found out we were vampires and that you guys were mated, what else did she explain to you?" I asked.
"Let's see, she said vampires live forever and she explained that the pain in the chest, the pull, and the electricity were all part of mating. She said that we'd have to be together forever. I figured that if I have to be with her forever, I'd take her out on a test run. I, then, cursed whoever it was that decided that she was my mate because, fuck, she just lays on her back with her knees bent and expects to be serviced. Hey, didn't you date her or something at one point?" He asked me.
"Jasper was married to her for over sixty years. Biggest fuck-up of his life." Peter answered.
"If you were married to her for so long, couldn't you teach her a thing or two about sex? I mean, it's like a fucking sack of potatoes, no potatoes have curves at least. It's like fucking a corpse. Damn it! I'm not into necrophilia. She doesn't even do oral. Hey, do they have vampire hookers?"
Peter and I started hooting and hollering. "Truth is, Mike," I said, "I rarely fucked her. I had 'friends' that I visited. No expectations. No strings attached. I think you call them fuckbuddies nowadays."
"Yeah, I had a couple of those myself. Lauren Mallory was a great fuckbuddy. I think I'll have to keep her number on file cause I don't know if I can go through an eternity fucking a board."
"Well, Mike, you might want to hold off on calling Lauren until you get over your bloodlust and learn some control. You're doing pretty good though." I added.
"Okay, what's bloodlust?" Mike asked.
Peter took over. Mike, bloodlust is what you felt when you smelled the barbeque and started craving beer. The barbeque was actually the moose blood that you smelled and the craving for beer was your bloodlust. The pain in your throat that you thought was strep throat was actually your body telling you that you need blood now. Didn't you watch vampire movies and stuff when you were a kid?"
"Yeah, but I figured it wasn't real because Alice ate with me the few times that I did see her. I let her move into my apartment after a couple of weeks since she said we have to be together forever. It did make my chest feel better. Like I said, I was never there anyway. All I know is this, thank God I got that last fuck in with Lauren Mallory the day before we left. My dick's gonna miss her."
Peter and I started laughing. I really felt bad for Mike. I wouldn't wish anyone an eternity with Alice on anyone—even on Satan. I'll have to introduce him to some of the 'friends' I used to visit.
"How did you make the decision to become a vampire?" I asked.
"Oh, Alice said that I had to become one—that it was in the stars or some bullshit like that. I figured it couldn't hurt so I went with it. She said that the doc would change me, but I don't think that happened. All I remember is a blonde girl in High School Musical pajamas pants lunging for me. Now I have a question, why were the last things I saw, before I became a vampire, Rose and Bella's titties?"
"Mike, that's because Rose and Bella were the ones who changed you. They were leaning over you to bite you." Peter explained while laughing.
"Shit, I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. It was a glorious way to go, let me tell ya. Jasper, you sure are a lucky dude—your woman has the most perfect breasts I've ever seen." Mike sighed. "I don't even think Jessica Stanley's tits can hold a candle to Bella's."
"Yeah, I know she does—not too big, not too small, just right." I sighed thinking about my mate's tits.
"Now, how about we take you back to meet the family?" I stood up and started heading home. I missed Bella, she was out with Emmett picking up a snow blower, more shovels, and ice melt for Esme. I also told her to pick up a couple of snow shovels for our house. We had a massive blizzard that lasted for two days after Christmas and had piles and piles of snow to clean up. Usually, Esme hired someone to come and plow the driveway, but with so many newborns around the house, we couldn't take the risk.
The three of us walked into the house where half the family was gathered around the TV. Laurent, Riley, and Rose were on their way home from work and it looked like Emmett and Bella were still out getting supplies.
"Oh, Mike, you're an absolute mess. Go take a shower, dear. Peter, honey, will you go start the shower for him. I'm sure he doesn't have control of his strength yet." Esme said. "Jasper, have you heard form Emmett and Bella at all? They left hours ago. They should have been back by now."
I felt a dull pain in my chest, but nothing so powerful indicating my mate was in distress. "They're probably just stuck in traffic or something." I assured my mother.
Peter went to turn the shower on for Mike. "Just let me know when you're ready for me to shut it off. I'll be right outside." I heard him say.
"Dude, I can shower by myself. I..." Mike's voice trailed off and I heard the sound of clothes ripping. "Hey, what the hell? I just shredded my clothes!"
"You're a newborn vampire, Mike." I heard Peter say. "You don't have control of your motor skills yet. You'll need to learn how to control things at human strength and speed over the next year. We've all been there, well almost all of us. Bella and Rye are freaks of nature, but we'll talk about them later."
"Uh, maybe you can just wait out here for me. I think I'm going to need help." Mike sounded resigned.
Just then, Riley, Rose, and Laurent walked into the house. The three of them often commute together because they work in the same city anyway.
"I just heard Pete call me and Bells freaks of nature. What a welcome home." Riley chuckled as he gave Vicky a kiss on the lips.
"Hey, where's Em?" Rose asked.
"He and Bella are out running an errand for me. I sent them out hours ago." Esme said.
Rose put her hand on her chest. "They're fine. The pull isn't bad at all." She confirmed my earlier observation. All of a sudden, her cell vibrated and she picked it up. "Hi Em. Where are you guys? Mom's getting worried."
"We're in a bit of a jam, we need someone to come and get us at the Home Depot in Merrimack. There's a problem with Bella's truck." We heard Emmett say.
"How could there be a problem? That's a brand new truck." Rosalie asked exactly what I was thinking.
"You ready for this one?" Emmett paused. "Someone actually swapped out all the wheels and tires with their bald ones. I think one's even flat."
Fuck me. What kind of assholes do that kind of thing?
"What? Are you fucking with me?" Rose seethed. "Call Triple A and have them tow the truck to my shop in Boston. I'll take a look at it in the morning. There's no telling what else these fuckers did. Meanwhile, Jasper and I will come down and get you guys. Do you have a lot of stuff?"
"Yeah, we do. We have about twenty shovels, a snow blower, and ten bags of ice melt. You're gonna have to come in Riley's Suburban or Char's truck." Em said.
"Come on, let's go." Riley said to us.
With the roads being so icy, the normally half hour ride took us over an hour. The three of us were still trying to figure out what kind of peons would actually steal tires from a truck. Riley told us to look at it as if it were charity. Maybe the people who stole the wheels and tires couldn't afford new ones—they did go to the trouble of actually swapping them out, after all. It still didn't make what they did right, but thinking about it that way made us feel better.
By the time, we got to Home Depot, Emmett and Bella had built three snowmen in the parking lot using the new shovels. They were currently building a fort and as soon as we got out of the truck, I was impaled by a giant snowball. "Really mature guys!" I said, irritated.
"Sorry, Jasper we were aiming for Riley, but he dodged it." Bella said. "Do you think we'll ever be able to get him, Em?"
"It'll be our mission, sissy." Just as the words tumbled out of his mouth, he and Bella were both hit by snowballs.
Riley stood wagging his eyebrows with a smirk on his face. "Never underestimate me. I have perfect aim—I played college ball, remember?"
The tow truck still hadn't gotten there so we took a look at the truck. Sure enough, the tires were bald and the wheels were rusted out. Rose went on a tirade until the Triple A guy showed up. He just shrugged his shoulders and said that it happens more often than not. Afterwards, he tried to ask Rose out on a date, but soon rescinded the offer after receiving one of her deadly glares and a growl from all the men. Emmett then tried stripping and scenting her in the middle of the parking lot. Geez and Bella says I'm bad.
We finally made it back to Amherst and unloaded Esme's stuff. As soon as Riley walked in, Mike did a double take. "I've seen you before in Forks, you're Bella's brother." He said. "You used to drop her off and pick her up from work.
"That's right, I guess we were never properly introduced. I'm Riley Swan-Biers." He extended his hand out to Mike who promptly started hyperventilating.
"Holy fuck! Holy shit! You're Riley Biers—two time All American quarterback for the U of Washington Huskies! You're like my all time favorite hero! You're a vampire! You weren't a vampire then were you? No wonder Pete and Jasper were laughing when I made that comment about you! Can you show me some moves, man? I played football in high school—I was a wide receiver."
"Michael, watch your language, dear." Esme seemed to have taken a shine to Mike.
Uh, hero worship much? Damn and I thought Emmett worshiped the ground Riley walked on.
"The guys and I throw the football around a lot here, Mike. You can join us next time."
"Really? You'd play ball with me?" Mike was completely awestruck. "You know, I was a Phi Gamma Delta too."
"No shit! You were a Fiji? Brother!" Riley exclaimed, then strode over to Mike and they did some kind of secret handshake. He seemed lost reminiscing about his fraternity days. "Those were good times, weren't they?"
"Dude! You were a fucking legend. You once went on a 48 hour drinking spree. How the hell did you manage to do that and pass all your finals? Your toga parties were epic. I can't believe that you rented a horse and galloped through campus wearing a toga to announce that a toga party was happening at Fiji House. Hey, did you really sneak into the Chi Omega sorority house and steal all of their underwear?"
Mike had everyone's undivided attention. It seemed as though Carlisle's new golden boy, Riley, was once a bonafide, prank pulling, beer swilling frat rat.
"Yeah, I did. After I snuck into their house, I brought back the girls' bras and panties back to Fiji House. My frat brothers and I strung every piece together in one long line then we hung them all up like party streamers in the student center."
"Dude, I bow down to you. I'm not worthy."
"Well, Mike, occasionally we get into some hijinx in this house too. Maybe you and I can buddy up sometime."
"Awesome! This is gonna be better than titty fucking fucking Jessica Stanley!"
"Language, Michael!"
"Sorry!"
"You titty fucked Jessica Stanley?" Emmett asked. Rose and Bella both gave him an exasperated glare. "What? I always thought she had a pretty decent rack for a human."
"I thought so, too." Edward agreed. "She was pert."
"I've gotta meet this girl. Where do I find her?" Pete chimed in.
"She's from Forks, but she lives in Seattle now. You want her number?" Mike asked.
"Not today, Mike, but thanks."
"Yeah, better not. Charlotte's titties look way more fuckable than Jessica's. She's cuter too. With Jessica, there's always the possibility of losing wood because of her incessant chatter. At least she's adventurous though. She likes being on top. That's a glorious view in itself. I wish Alice had tits."
"Oh my God, Mike, that is like way too much info. Seriously, I don't need to hear about Jessica Stanley's favorite sexual positions or her breasts." Bella said.
"Shut up, Bella. Who else have you fucked from Forks High? You better dish now, Mike." Rosalie demanded.
Mike then went on to tell us all about his sex life. Apparently, he dated Jessica for a couple of years during college, but kept Lauren Mallory on the side. Jessica broke up with him after she found out about his extracurricular activities. "She kept trying to make me into someone I wasn't anyway and I couldn't put up with that." Mike stated. "Speaking of control freaks, where's Alice anyway?"
Alice soon came sauntering out into the living room completely livid. "I'm here and I can't believe you're discussing your sex life with the family. That is so inappropriate!"
"Why don't you dig the fucking stick out of your ass, Alice? We're just talking here." Mike didn't take any shit from the Psycho Bitch.
"Aaaaaaarrrrrrgggghhhh!" Alice shrieked.
"What the hell is your problem? I told you before that I don't like it when chicks try to dictate what I say or do. I've been there and done that with Jessica and I refuse to do it again. This is who I am, Alice. Take it or leave it." Mike just handed Alice her ass.
"Why meeeeee?" Alice screamed in frustration and trotted off to her room.
We all stared at Mike completely stunned. "You've sure changed a lot." Bella commented. "You're not as annoying as you were in high school."
"No, I guess I'm not. I did a lot of growing up, losing your parents will do that to you. You know what that's like, don't you Bella?" My wife nodded in affirmation. "I was in the middle of my junior year at the University of Washington, in a fraternity, and having the time of life when I got the call that my parents were killed in a car accident in Port Angeles. Naturally, I freaked out and drove straight home. When I met with the lawyer after the funeral I found that my parents had everything set up for me. Newton's Olympic Outfitters was now mine, of course. College tuition was paid for and there was even a small inheritance for me. I had promised my parents that I would earn my degree so quitting college wasn't an option, but somehow I had to run two stores—the one in Port Angeles and the new one in Olympia. I knew that my dad trusted Frank, you remember him, don't you Bella?"
"Yeah, he was really sweet. He was always trying to save me from you."
"Yeah, that's him." Mike chuckled. "Anyway, I made Frank my second in command and had him run the two stores for me while I finished up college. I even gave him a 20% share in the company. I would help whenever I could—on the weekends, during breaks, even after classes sometimes. By the time I graduated, we were ready to expand the business again. So, we crossed over the state line and opened up a Newton's Olympic Outfitters in Portland. It's actually my highest grossing store. Speaking of which, I need to call Frank and tell him that this is going to take longer than I planned. Alice didn't tell me that being a newborn vampire was going to be this complex. I got the impression that we'd shoot into New Hampshire, doc would change me, and then we'd fly back home."
Interesting. Alice has some explaining to do. It appears she just glazed over the facts and made it seem as easy as possible to poor Mike.
"Uh, Mike," I said, "You might want to let one of us dial the number for you and you can talk to Frank on speaker phone. You'll probably end up crushing your phone."
"Holy hell! I didn't know it was going to be this much work. No offense, but had I known all of this in advance, I would have never agreed to be changed."
Yep, there we have it. Psycho Bitch probably simplified vampirism to Mike because she didn't want to live an eternity alone. In fact, I can almost guarantee that's what she did. I looked over at Carlisle and he looked pissed off.
"Um, I'll need someone to operate my laptop for me while I place the call." Mike said.
Alice suddenly came bounding out of nowhere with Mike's laptop. "I'll do it for you!" She chirped.
"Uh, no offense, Alice, but I like to keep my personal life and my business and financial life separate. Maybe Bella can do it since she used to work at the store and knows a little about it."
"B...B...Bella? B...b...but I'm your mate." She stuttered.
"Yeah, I realize that. I've built this business up with my own two hands. I can't risk being careless with it and I really need to have people that I trust by my side."
"Are you saying that you trust Bella more than me?" Alice asked seething.
"Listen, when Bella was working in the store, she was the only employee that never tried to short us on hours or steal from us. I know she's honest. Plus, all those times I pestered her to go out with me,
she always let me down easy. The only time I was truly scared was when her dad greeted me at the door with a rifle pointed at my face."
"How could you trust her more than me. Bella Swan is nothing, but a whore!"
"Bella Swan a whore? That's a new one." Mike chuckled. "She was so faithful to Cullen that she didn't even bat an eyelash at anyone else. After he broke up with her, she was totally devastated—wouldn't even sit at our table for lunch anymore. She just kept to herself and cried in her truck until it was time for her to go back to class. So, I think whore isn't exactly the correct word to describe her. Anyway, Alice, Bella's my friend so don't insult her again or you'll have me to answer to.
Fuck me! I had no idea that Bella was that depressed. Edward looked like someone kicked him in the gut. He was sitting on the sofa with his face in his hands.
Bella looked mortified and shocked. "How did you know I was crying in my truck, Mike?"
"I was worried about you so I'd come and check on you. I didn't want you to do anything stupid. You seemed suicidal."
"Thanks, Mike." Bella said simply, her eyes glistening with venom. She walked over and gave him a kiss on the cheek.
"Hey, anytime. That's what friends do—even annoying, pestering ones."
"See! Look at her—she's a slut! Jasper, aren't you upset? Bella just threw herself onto my mate." Alice cried out.
"Shut the fuck up, Alice! It was just a friendly peck on the cheek, anyone can see that you delusional bitch!" Rose was glaring daggers at Psycho Bitch.
At this point, Alice looked maniacal. Her teeth were gritted, her nostrils were flaring, and her eyes were bulging out. She looked like a raging bull ready to attack and her anger was directed right at Bella. I placed my mate behind me and sent Alice a dose of fear while staring her down. She simmered down a bit after that, then she spoke. "Michael, I'm your mate. I'll be your wife soon, I've seen it. You're going to have to share your business and finances with me then."
"Whoa there! I don't care what the fuck you see or don't see. I don't believe in that bullshit. I have no plans on tying the knot with you. I'm only twenty-three. Besides, even if we ever do get married, I won't do so without a prenuptial agreement. I won't lose my business in case we get divorced. That's neither here nor there though, cause there's no way in hell I'm marrying you. I'm just with you because I don't like that throbbing pain in my chest. As far as finances are concerned, you've got to earn your own money. I never agreed to support you in any way. Even if we ever got married, I'd expect you to earn your fair share. I've seen the way you spend money, Alice, and I'm telling you now that money doesn't grow on trees."
Alice gritted her teeth and she looked ready to hurl the laptop. Carlisle quickly noticed this and said. "Easy with the laptop, Alice. You wouldn't want to do anything foolish, would you? Why don't you just bring it over to me."
Alice handed the laptop over to Carlisle. She then stormed off to her room in a fit of rage.
"Um, do I have to share a room with Alice?" Mike asked. "She might slit my throat while I'm asleep."
"About that, Mike." I said. "We don't sleep."
"Huh?"
"Vampires don't sleep at all." I repeated.
"Dude! That's messed up! I really liked sleeping." He paused. "I've got to make that phone call. Bella, would you mind helping me? Maybe Rosalie can help too, in case I need to take notes."
"Dad, can we use your office?" Rose asked, grabbing Mike's laptop.
"Of course, kitten." Carlisle kissed Rose on top of her head and patted Bella's as they made their way past him, with Mike, to his office."
"Well, that was interesting." Esme said. "I need to set up a room for my new son. Edward, Amanda? Would you mind if we gave him the room at the end of the corridor in your wing of the house?"
"You mean the one next to Jasper, Garrett, and Rex's War Strategies Room?" Edward asked.
"Yes, that one." Esme confirmed.
"Sure, go right ahead. As long as it's made clear that Psycho Bitch isn't allowed in that wing of the house, I'm fine with it."
"Don't worry, Edward. I'll make sure she understands the rules." Vicky said then turned to Riley. "So, stealing bras and panties out of a sorority, huh? Is that what you meant when you told Bells that you wanted her to fully experience college life?"
"You have to admit that she did follow my advice to the T. I told her to study hard and play harder and that's exactly what she did. Kiddo's getting her master's degree at Harvard for God's sake."
"Riley, will you give me that advice before I go to college too?" Amanda asked.
"Of course I will, little one. You have to get through high school first though." He winked.
Carlisle, then, changed the subject. "I'm deeply concerned that Alice didn't explain anything to Michael and that he was changed against his will."
"Dad, Peter and I have the same concerns. When we took Mike hunting, he had no idea that vampire's consumed blood. Alice had never broached the subject and whenever he was with her, she'd actually eat in front of him so he just assumed that we ate human food. The only things she told him were that vampires live forever and that they're mates."
Carlisle looked repulsed. "It seems as though Alice has a lot more explaining to do."
"You think?" Vicky blurted out. "What the hell is her problem? The girl is obviously delusional, but she seems to have a whole host of other issues."
Riley joined into the conversation at that point. "I've been observing her for the last few days and I'm almost positive that she suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The main traits of someone with NPD is an over-inflated sense of self-importance, a complete lack of empathy for others, and a need to control and manipulate everything. The way she is preoccupied with power and vanity and requires constant attention is typical of someone with her condition. When she isn't given undivided attention, something doesn't go her way, or she is criticized—she reacts with rage and jealousy. This too is prototypical of someone with NPD. She also has a severe inability to develop any interpersonal relationships because of her narcissism."
Well, fuck me, I was married to a nutter for over sixty years. Gee whiz. No wonder I have issues stemming from Alice. I'm glad Riley was smart enough to figure things out.
"How does someone develop Narcissistic Personality Disorder?" Carlisle asked concerned.
"First of all, I want to emphasize that people with NPD suffer from extremely low self-esteem which they cover up with their grandiose behavior. Most people with NPD suffered from a severely dysfunctional childhood. However, we know nothing about Alice's childhood. We only know that she was sent to an asylum for her visions." Riley inhaled a deep breath. "Later in life, people with NPD are given constant praise for their behavior, looks, or talents. In Alice's case, her visions provided her with constant praise and approval from those around her. I'm assuming that she was never disciplined or spoken to for any wrong doings or excessive behavior. Case in point, Jasper, you said you paid Carlisle back for many of her spending sprees. Did you ever speak to Alice about it and give her consequences for her actions?"
I looked down at my feet and answered, "No. I didn't want to deal with her rants so I just let her be."
"Carlisle, did you ever correct her on her overspending or the way she manipulated the family down to their clothing choices?"
"No, son, I'm ashamed to say that I didn't. I too didn't want to deal with her constant whining. I also excused much of her behavior because of her visions."
"You see what I mean? You both unknowingly enabled her. Alice was placed on a pedestal for the majority of the time she spent with your family. She was given permission to rule the roost with absolutely no limitations. She was bound to develop a grandiose feeling of herself. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm in no way placing the blame of Alice's NPD on you at all. The origins of her condition are hard to pinpoint, but there were tons of contributing factors. The most important thing is finding a way for her to live with her illness. I'm thinking that a combination of cognitive behavioral therapy and family therapy will be the ticket, but I have to warn you that NPD is one of the most difficult mental illnesses to break through. There is no known cure and the most we can probably do is teach her to co-exist with others and work on improving her self-esteem. Carlisle, I think the boundaries you've set for her is a great start. Mike also seems to have set limitations of his own with her which is exactly what she needs. I can start counseling sessions with her by casually talking to her. She won't come to me on her own."
"Thank you, son. I really don't know what I'd do without you. I've said it before, but I'm going to say it again—you've taught me so much about raising a family."
"No problem, Dad. I actually enjoy what I do, you know that." Riley said.
Just then, Mike, Rose, and Bella came downstairs. "Man oh man! My eyes are bright red. I look messed up."
"Don't worry, they'll turn gold in a couple of months. I was just changed in September and mine are already gold." Amanda said.
"How come Bella has brown eyes?"
"Contact lenses—force of habit." Bella popped her contacts out. "See—they're golden. I started grad school with brown contacts and I can't exactly switch to gold eyes all of a sudden, can I? Besides, I have tons of friends in Boston who knew me when I was a brown-eyed human so I just wear my contacts everyday."
"Wait, when were you changed?" Mike asked.
"On the same day as Amanda." Bella stated.
"So, how come you get to go to graduate school and run to Home Depot and stuff?"
"Bella's a freak of nature." Edward pointed out. "She was born with full control of her motor skills and she has absolutely no bloodlust. Riley's the same way."
"Lucky." Mike sighed.
"Aw, it'll all get better soon, Mike. I can promise you that." I tried to comfort the poor guy. "What do you say we all go help Esme clear the snow?"
With that, we all went outside and grabbed a shovel and started clearing the snow—even Mike. It was going to be a long road for the kid, but I had a feeling that he'd come through it like a champ. With all that manpower, the snow was cleared in no time. I looked around to watch my big, crazy family. Bella and Amanda were laying in the snow making snow angels, Char and Peter were making out up against a tree, and Rose announced that she was going to the garage to see if she could boost the power in the new snowblower. Riley walked out of the garage throwing a football in the air, Mike was the first one by his side, and soon the men were all tossing around the old pigskin—even dad joined us. The game ended after Mike popped the football when he caught it.
After a while, we all retreated inside where the women, minus Alice, were sitting in front of the TV watching a soppy chick flick. Rose was still in the garage fiddling with the engine and Vicky was showing Amanda how to make jewelry while Esme was brushing out Char's hair for her. Bella and Irina were both locked in some kind of weird yoga pose where they were on their knees, bending backwards, and grabbing their ankles.
I couldn't help, but chuckle at the sight. Everyone was together, but doing their own thing. The girls were all content—just being themselves. We soon found our own thing to do in the living room as well. Pete went to join Rose in the garage to do some engine fiddling. Emmett was carving something out of wood, Edward was downloading music onto his iPod with Mike by his side, while Carlisle and Riley both buried their noses in books about mental health disorders. Laurent soon grabbed me and we cleared a space where he started teaching me some basic karate moves. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught sight of my ex-wife hiding behind a corner watching everyone in their contented state. I zoned in on her emotions and she was emanating jealousy, fear, anger, and sadness. I don't know what made me do it, but I sent her some feelings of peace. She nodded her head in thanks and quickly retreated back to her room. Maybe one day, Alice will be able to join us all. I hope so, for her sake.
Okay everyone, I'm a bit nervous here-what did you think of Mike? Alice certainly wasn't being honest with him, was she? Did you think that Riley was pretty accurate in his diagnosis of Alice's disorder? I'd love to hear from you and I will always respond! XOXO