FINALLY, an update.

A lot of positive feedback for this story already! It makes this writer's heart swell. Thank you for all of the reviews and alerts. They mean so much to me :)

I've overestimated the free time I will have this summer, obviously. I've been running around constantly since I've gotten home and now with work about to start, I'll have even less time, though I will not be working as much as I did last summer (a blessing and a curse).

For those who care, I do have exciting personal news! (If you are just here for the story, feel free to scroll down :) no hard feelings haha) As some of you know, I'm an art major, and I have gotten myself a commission job for illustrating custom children's books. I am officially apart of this companies creative team, and if a customer selects my style from the other artists (there are four of us right now, but there may be more to join), I will be paid as a working artist for all of the art in the book. I'm pretty thrilled, having submitted work on a whim when the call for submissions reached me via the art undergraduates' list serv for my school email, so I am stoked! It's not a steady job by any means, but it makes me feel like this whole art thing was not a mistake, and that I was right to follow the path I wanted with my art. Just makes me feel like my art is actually worth something. Of course, that means less time for writing…but I am trying my best to stick with two weeks (failed this time, but hopefully it will be two weeks tops from here on out), hoping that these chapters will come out much sooner than that though!

But enough of my chitchat, we've got a chapter to get to. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I own my plot idea…yep. That's it.

Chapter 3

It's strange, waking up and not knowing…anything.

At first, it was as if there were thoughts and memories floating just out of reach, as if they were hidden by a blanket and just needed to be uncovered. Or maybe it was more like when you wake up from a dream, where the images are right there but as soon as your attention is turned towards them, trying to grapple with them, they disappear like smoke through your fingers. But Renji knew this wasn't a dream. He was awake. And his memories were gone.

Not a shred of memory was left, and Renji couldn't figure out why this had happened. Hell, he didn't even know who he was, besides a name. Even that was a toss-up at first. It was the only word he remembered. Renji. Almost a whisper as it floated through his mind. It wasn't his voice though. If he had to place it, he would say it was the dark-haired girl who had stormed into his room earlier, though he did not know why it was her voice that he clung to in his confusion.

But it was his name, he was sure of it. It was what the woman with the braid had called him as well. Since these people seemed to be the only one who knew anything about him, he would accept it as his own, holding it tightly as the only thing he knew of his past.

That woman, whose touch had been gentle as she checked him over, had said his memories had been wiped away in some sort of accident, though he had yet to hear any further explanation. He was being left in the dark, though that wasn't too hard to do giving the circumstances. It was frustrating, but he couldn't do anything about it.

At the moment, he would have to go on instinct alone, though he was already questioning how good that would do. Earlier he had reacted poorly to the dark-haired girl rushing in, caught by surprise when she had moved towards him in such a fast manner. It was a reflex, something anybody would do with a stranger, but she had known him. He imagined that his actions had hurt her. She hadn't meant any harm in her excitement, and he felt slightly guilty for how he had tried to put distance between them. He vowed to be a little more welcoming the next time. After all, how else was he supposed to remember who he was if he kept pushing people away?

A knock at the door brought him out of his thoughts, and he looked up to see a man poking his head in. He didn't recognize him, but that wasn't a surprise. Though he figured the shock of orange hair would have been a dead giveaway any other day.

Renji watched as the orange-haired boy sat down, moving slow as he pulled up a chair and came to stop at the foot of his bed. The stranger was watching him, as if expecting him to bolt at any moment. As if he could if he wanted too. He was still too sore to really move, though he did stiffen up a little as the man leaned forward.

Damn it, he was trying to be more relaxed. But he was still reacting on instinct, and every fiber of his being was telling him to be careful, not just around this man, but around everyone.

The man stared for a tense moment before clearing his throat. "You, uh…you don't remember me, do you?"

Renji shook his head, irritated with himself and regretting the answer as the boy's face fell further, though to his credit, the visitor hid it well. Renji could feel his frustration growing, knowing this was yet another person who knew him who didn't resonate within his empty mind. He looked down at the blanket they had covered him in, glaring at the object as if it was to blame.

"I'm sorry," Renji offered, though he felt silly saying the words. The other man shrugged it off easy enough, shaking his head at the redhead's apology.

"Not like you did it on purpose," he said rather bluntly, before adding to his words. "But for the record, I'm Ichigo."

Strawberry? Renji had the overwhelming urge to laugh, though he held it in. Well, the hair certainly fit the bill. And what crazy hair it was. Bright orange spikes stuck out in every direction, wild and untamed.

He must have made a face at the name, because Ichigo snorted and rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I know. But I'm not a strawberry. It means 'to protect one thing', too, according to my dad, though you tend to call me Strawberry as a joke. And I call you Pinapple, so I guess that makes us even."

"Pinapple?"

"You're hair style," Ichigo replied with a wicked grin, gesturing with his hand to the bright mane of hair that sat upon Renji's head. "You usually keep it in a ponytail and it looks a lot like a Pineapple."

Renji found himself laughing softly at his words as he reached up absentmindedly, touching the crimson strands that hung loosely over his shoulders. He didn't question Ichigo's authenticity. Something about this boy screamed honesty, even if it was brutal honesty. He already liked this guy.

Maybe they were close friends? It would explain the teasing nicknames. Renji could feel the familiar tickle of something in his mind, begging to be lit up and explored, but it was just out of his reach. Focusing all of his energy, the redhead attempted to reveal any shred of information about the man. To his dismay, it only resulted in calling forth a sharp ache in his temple. A hiss left his lips as pain hit behind his eyes, his hand shooting up to smooth the skin of his forehead.

"You okay?"

Renji peeked from beneath his hand to see Ichigo had leaned forward, a worried expression etched into his features. He was…touched that this person seemed so invested in his health, though it made him feel like a shitty person for not knowing who he was in return. Slightly embarrassed, he nodded.

"Yeah. Just a headache."

Ichigo nodded, scratching his chin in thought. "Yeah, it'll be like that for a while I imagine. You'll probably be prone to migraines for a while."

Renji couldn't help but think of how the boy looked wise beyond his years in that moment. He had taken on an entirely different look, one much more professional. It reminded him of the woman who had addressed him when he awoke.

"You work here with that woman with the braid?" he guessed before he could stop himself.

Ichigo chuckled at the words, giving a lazy shake of his head. "Unohana? Not quite. I intend to be a doctor, though it is different that the healers here." At the questioning glance, Ichigo waved off the redhead. "It's a lot to explain, and I doubt I'm the right person to do it. Besides, Rukia would know more than I do, and she's coming by later, so I'll let her handle it."

Rukia. The dark-haired girl from before.

Though he was slightly embarrassed to admit it, the girl was beautiful. He blamed his instincts – a common trend at the moment, seeing as he had little else to go on – as attraction was an automatic thing, but it felt strange to have this be the first thought he had about her, besides the initial shock of her rushing towards him. But he couldn't help it. With her short, dark hair that fell to just above her shoulders, her milky, pale skin that seemed to glow from the inside out, and those brilliant violet eyes framed by long, black lashes, the woman was a vision.

"Rukia is coming here?" Renji asked, watching as Ichigo's eyes shined with surprise. It was the first time he had used the girl's name, yet it sounded right on his tongue, as if his mouth remembered the sensation of saying the name. With little hesitation, Ichigo nodded.

"Yeah, she will come in sometime after I leave."

Renji nodded, looking down at the blanket once more, slightly ashamed by his lack of knowledge but too stubborn to admit it. "She said we were friends. That we grew up together?"

"You did. You're pretty close." Ichigo was watching him with curiosity, and Renji felt himself fidget under the scrutiny.

It was weird to think about. She was really his friend? Why? She seemed to be at such a higher standing than him, as if the need to recognize the gap in their class was ingrained in his brain. He felt something close to inferior to her, as if he didn't deserve to speak to the girl, let alone be her friend. But there was something else there too besides feeling inferior. He figured that attraction he felt would have been there in his past as well. He wondered if she had rejected him at some point. Is that why he felt so small in standing compared to her? Or was there something else that pushed him to feel this way?

"She's a beautiful girl," Renji muttered without really thinking, more to fill the silence than anything else. But as the realization of what he said sunk in he looked up, horrified that he had opened his mouth. At the accidental admission, Ichigo grinned. The smile was full of amusement, almost knowing. In his panic, Renji continued talking, trying to justify the comment. "I…I just don't see why she'd want to visit me after I nearly ran from her the first time she came in."

"You tried to run?" Ichigo commented with surprise. It was obviously the first time he had heard what had happened.

"Well, not exactly run. I just freaked out a little when she tried to come near me," Renji responded quietly.

"No wonder she looked so upset," Ichigo muttered under his breath, shaking his head.

"I didn't mean to upset her," Renji spoke defensively. "She came rushing in here, and I didn't know her, or at least I don't right now. What was I supposed to do?"

"I'm not blaming you, idiot," Ichigo snapped right back. "It was just an observation."

"Well, still," Renji barked, leaning his head back against the pillows and scrubbing his face with his hands. "I didn't mean it."

"I know you didn't," Ichigo replied after a moment. It was quiet for a little bit, before Renji found the courage to speak once more.

"Anyways, she probably hates me now." Renji chuckled, though he didn't think it was funny. Nervous laughter, he supposed. "Probably for the best. A pretty girl like her doesn't need to be caught up in this mess."

"That pretty girl would kick your ass for suggesting something like that," Ichigo said with a firm tone that left no doubt in Renji's mind that what he said was the truth. "And she doesn't hate you. Far from it. So go ahead and get that self-deprecating shit out of the way. I've heard it all before, and I know Rukia has to."

Renji eyed the boy with curiosity. There was something there, something in those words. He should know what it was, but he couldn't grasp it. "What do you mean?"

Ichigo hesitated, trying to think of what to say. "I don't think it is my place to tell you that. You can ask Rukia. She knows better than I do."

There it was again, that hidden meaning in the words as Ichigo once again referred him on to Rukia for answers. It killed Renji that he was left out, but he could see he wasn't getting anything out of the man. He'd let it go for now. With a sigh, he shook his head. "I still think she'll be mad at me."

Ichigo laughed at that, and Renji raised his eyebrow. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing," Ichigo answered with a smile that clearly showed that his response was a lie. Renji's eyes narrowed at the faux innocence. He may have lost his memory, but he wasn't stupid.

"Tell me."

The orange-haired man laughed once more, but gave a shrug of defeat. "Even without your memory you have a crush on her," Ichigo replied, his voice nonchalant but his eyes sparkling with mirth.

"What?!" Renji barked, staring wide-eyed at the orange-haired man. "I–I do not!"

"Whoa, slow down, it's cool. It's not like I'm going to go scream it from the rooftops or anything. I kept your secret before, I can keep it now." Ichigo held his hands up in a surrendering gesture, as if to emphasis he didn't mean any harm from the comment, but he never lost that grin.

Renji watched him for a moment longer before scowling down at his lap. Great. Another thing to hold over his head. But he believed Ichigo. He didn't seem like the kind to go spilling secrets. Ichigo chuckled softly at the redhead, pointing a finger at the redhead in mock warning. "But when you get your memories back and remember how much you like her, you better tell her, or I will lock you in a room with her and keep you there until one of you fesses up. It's getting freakin' annoying to watch you two dance around the subject."

…when you get your memories back…

Renji stared at the man in awe. He had said "when", not "if". He had no doubts in his mind that what Renji lacked would be returned, and something in that simple determination pulled a smile from the redhead.

"You've got yourself a deal," Renji replied, a chuckle rumbling from his chest. He didn't know if he should agree to such a thing, seeing as he still had no clue about his life or his friendship with the girl, but the answer slipped easily from his lips. Ichigo laughed with him before his smile faltered. Standing slowly and stretching his arms above his head, he looked at the door with a look that could have been distain.

"I better head out," he muttered, shooting a smirk at Renji. "I've got a hollow to hunt."

Renji had no idea what a hollow was, but whatever it was, he'd hate to be it right now. Ichigo's eyes had darkened, a barely contained anger mixed with determination swirling in the brown color, though the smirk remained on his features. He turned to leave, and Renji found himself hoping the man would stay.

"Hey Strawberry?"

Ichigo paused at the door, looking over his shoulder in surprise at the nickname. Renji cleared his throat, asking the question that still burned in the forefront of his mind.

"What happened to me?"

Ichigo looked away, gathering his thoughts, before returning his attention to the redhead. "I can't tell you much, but I can tell you this. No matter what, we are going to get your memories back."

Again, his question was ignored. But Ichigo's determination was contagious, and Renji found himself smiling at the younger man. "Thanks."

Ichigo smiled warmly back, giving him a nod. "Anytime. You just hang tight, Pineapple. We'll get you fixed up." With that, he left, a hand thrown up in a wave as orange hair disappeared through the door and left the room empty once again.

X

Rukia placed her head against the cool wood of the door, her eyes closed as she focused on her breathing. The irony of the situation was not lost on her. Here she was, standing in front of Renji's room with the ability and permission to walk right in, and now that she had that freedom she couldn't uproot from her spot. She had been in that position for ten minutes, ever since Ichigo had left the room, and still she couldn't calm down. Each inhale brought more worries, and each exhale justified her guilt. All combined together, she had nearly given into hyperventilation twice.

Breathe in.

He could die.

Breathe out.

It is my fault.

Frankly, she was starting to agree more and more with the self-condemning voice in her head. It was her fault. If she had remained quiet, not drawn attention to herself, maybe he would not have been injured. If she had not distracted them, maybe Renji would have killed the hollow before it saw her as a target. If she had listened, maybe he would be okay. But he was injured, and the hollow had not been killed, and he was not okay.

If she could go back and do it again, she'd listen to the man when he told her to stay down. But her pride, her stupid pride pushed her on, and for what? To say she hadn't been beaten? What good does that do if it kills Renji in the process?

No. It didn't kill him. He's not dead. Her mind repeated the words, but each time the foreboding need to add another word to that statement filled her heart with dread and sent her into another round of hysterics.

No, Renji was not dead. And her mind whispered "yet".

Byakuya had left a little after the meeting, saying he would return later. As he left, it was as if Rukia could feel the wall being built between him. Though he had spoken to her, it felt distracted, distant, and she couldn't shake the feeling that he was angry with her. It was the only explanation that made sense in her mind. She had blatantly disregarded an order that may have cost him his Lieutenant. It was beyond dishonorable, and for her brother who held honor at such a high standard what she did was practically unforgivable. He had every right to be angry, every right to blame her for Renji's injuries. She was scum. Worthless. Or at least that was how she felt.

Breathe in.

Nii-sama blames me.

Breathe out.

I deserve it.

Ignoring the burn of tears forming behind her eyes, Rukia pushed off of the door. She didn't have much time. If she wanted to speak with Renji, she had to do it now before Unohana stopped the visiting hours. She had to be composed. If not, she wouldn't make it through the door without breaking down at the sight of him.

Her fingers trembled as she reached to open the door, stepping inside quietly. Looking up, she saw the redhead alert and watching her. It was Renji, yet it wasn't. It took everything in her not to run, to force herself to remain calm. She stayed in her spot by the door, eyes raking over the form of her best friend.

"Hello," she greeted stiffly. What do you say to someone you've known forever who doesn't know you? What do you say to someone who had reacted to you in fear?

"Hey," he replied, the silence stretching for a moment more before her nodded to the chair by his bed. "You can sit, if you want." He threw in a small smile for good measure, and it was enough to spur her into action.

Without a word, Rukia crossed the floor and took the offered chair, careful not to touch the bed or its occupant as she sat. Meeting his eyes, she saw that he was nervous. Of course he was. After their first meeting – God, was there a better term to describe the few treacherous moments spent between them after he had woken up? – she would be surprised if he wasn't wary of her. She wished he could reach out to him, comfort him. But this Renji wouldn't respond well to that, and she was afraid to push him too far. So instead, she curled her fingers into the fabric of her hakama, intending to keep them there until the urge to reach out to him passed.

"I'm sorry," she started, glancing down at her lap as she spoke, "for how I acted earlier. I did not realize the situation."

"'S okay. I'm sorry for responding…like that," Renji answered with a sweeping hand to indicate the words he couldn't get out, averting his gaze when she looked up. He didn't need to elaborate to get his meaning across.

"I get it, though," she continued. She wasn't going to let him take any blame in that encounter. She should have listened to Isane and followed orders. It wasn't the first time she had been too caught up in her own emotions to ignore authority. It seemed to be biting her in the ass more often than not, recently. "I would've been scared too."

"I wasn't scared," he instantly responded, and Rukia smiled a little. That definitely sounded like the Renji she knew. "I was just surprised."

"Well, still. It is understandable," she assured him, finally meeting his eyes with a smile. He returned it, but it didn't last long, the smile melting into a frown.

He cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable with what he was about to say, but determined to say it anyway. "It sucks though." His brow furrowed, a hand pressed to his temple as he continued. "You said we are friends. I feel like I should know you, and you obviously know me, but I can't…"

He trailed off, shaking his head. "I just want to remember."

Rukia's heart went out to him, twisting painfully in her chest as she watched him. He noticed the look and snorted, shaking his head as he looked anywhere but her eyes. "I don't want your pity," he muttered, frustration growing in his expression. "I may not remember everything, but I know I don't want to be seen as a charity case."

"I don't pity you," she spoke quickly, shaking her head in emphasis when he allowed his eyes to meet hers. "And you are certainly not charity."

"Then what am I?" he challenged. Stubborn, just like always.

"My friend," she answered immediately, though she didn't know if that term was entirely correct. She had said it so many times that it was her default answer, but she knew there was something more, something much greater than friendship. Though she felt it in her heart, she knew she couldn't tell him. Not now, when he didn't even know her. "And I promise we are going to get your memories back. Soon." She didn't add that they had no choice in that matter. It was soon or not at all, and the latter was not an option.

Renji took in her answer with a slight nod, eyes searching her face for any inkling of a lie. Satisfied with the answer, he sighed. "I guess you won't tell me what happened to me, either?" he asked, already accepting that she wouldn't tell him anything. "No one around here seems willing to fill me in."

"You've just woken up," she reminded him, feeling the guilt swelling in her gut. She was avoiding the subject, but she wasn't keen on the idea of being the one to send him into shock with an overload of information. Unohana had ordered them to tread lightly today. "Any information withheld is only so you aren't overwhelmed."

"I'm already overwhelmed," he muttered under his breath, and she chuckled at his impatience.

"Well, when you are feeling better, I'll tell you," she promised, knowing it wasn't much to appease him, but it was better than ignoring his question. She was sure he was frustrated with the lack of information, but it was for his own good. But seeing as it was her fault, she felt it was her duty to tell him the full story when he was ready.

"I'll hold you to that," he chuckled, giving her a lopsided grin. She smirked at the teasing nature, before clearing her throat.

"Tomorrow, if I could manage to arrange it, would you want to walk with me? I was hoping something in the area would offer some spark for your memory." The words left her easily enough, but she was shaking on the inside. He had no reason to trust her beyond their past, which he couldn't remember, but she found herself willing him to accept the offer. It would do some good to get out of the Fourth and try to stir up some of his past. She had already come up with a list of places for them to visit if he answered favorably, and it would be better than sitting in a hospital room with nothing to do but wait. She wanted to fix what she had done.

Renji thought for only a moment before a small smile dominated his face. "Yeah, I'd like that."

"Great. I'll talk to Unohana-Taichou in the morning and see what she says." She knew the woman would agree, given the limited time they have. With one swift motion, she stood.

"You're leaving?" he asked, his eyes following her movements.

"Yes," she confirmed with a nod. "You need your rest, and my brother has promised to visit you as well. I should not tire you out before he gets a change to speak with you."

She did want to stay, but she didn't want to push him too far. He had only just woken up, and she would never forgive herself if she sent him into another fit. She had to take baby steps, even if that meant only spending a few minutes with him. "During our walk tomorrow I can try to answer any question you have, if you want." Looking up, she nearly blushed at the intensity of his gaze. He was watching her closely, trying to decipher something within his mind.

"Thank you," he said softly, another smile crossing his face. Looking at the smile, she almost got lost. It was his smile, the first one that hadn't been timid or hesitant since he had woken up. The expression screamed Renji, and if she tried she could almost believe that everything was okay, that he was just resting after a tough mission. But the dull ache in her chest reminded her that it was not as it seemed. Renji's life was in danger, and once again the voice in her head screamed it was her doing. The burn behind her eyes told her of the emotion that threatened to spill. She couldn't let him see her like this. She had to leave.

She nodded once, a short quirk of the lips the only smile she could return as she turned quickly on her heel and tried her best to walk normally to the door, though her legs shook with every step. He didn't call out, but she could feel his eyes watching her, and she could practically feel the gaze peering into her heart and seeing the emotion she desperately wished to hide. As the door slid closed behind her, putting the barrier back between them, the same one that she had fought against as she waited for him to awake, she nearly lost it.

A week. She had only a week. Could they find the hollow and retrieve the venom needed to make an antidote in such a short amount of time? Ichigo was confident, but she was having trouble being so optimistic. She could hear the old Renji now, calling her a worrywart and saying she was always so negative, just like in the game they liked to play. But unlike the game, an answer wasn't so easy to come up with in this unfortunate situation.

She shut her eyes as her lungs constricted in her chest painfully, a delicate hand coming up to lie over her heart as if the presence of that hand would relieve the pressure that had built there.

Rukia was aware that she was walking, though she didn't know where to. She just blindly followed her feet, allowing them to lead her further away from Renji's room. She barely made it inside the Manor before it became too much. She was lucky that no one seemed to be around to see it, the servants either preoccupied with some other tasks or allowing her to have her privacy. Either way, she was thankful for the quiet.

Supporting her weight by pressing her back against the wall, Rukia bit back the cry that tried to escape her lips. Tears, no longer held back, slipped from underneath her lashes to leave hot trails down her paled cheeks. She had fought them for too long and now there was nothing to keep them from leaving her. Sobs rocked her body as she slid to the ground, landing with a quiet thump against the wooden floor. She brought her knees up to her chest as she wrapped both arms tightly around herself, lowering her head to be cradled into the crook of her elbow, efficiently blocking out the world as she finally gave into her grief.

X

Further down the hall, Byakuya stood silently, suppressing his energy to little more than a hum as he watched his adopted sister's pain spill over. He had felt her approaching the Manor, and had been intending to meet her at the door to ask how her visit with Renji had gone, but upon seeing her break he had stopped.

He had wondered how long she would be able to hold herself together. Her emotions were all but tangible in Unohana-Taichou's meeting, threatening to break the wall at any time. Judging by her actions, she had just barely made it back to the Kuchiki Manor before losing what little control she had left.

She was hurting badly from this, no doubt consumed by the guilt she felt. It was true that it was Rukia whom Renji had sacrificed himself for, but Renji was fully capable of making his own decisions. He had acted quickly and it had ended badly for him, though he had saved Rukia in the process. Byakuya couldn't thank his Lieutenant enough for his sacrifice, though now he wished it had been more forgiving in its taking. The Sixth could lose a valuable asset, their second in command, a comrade, a friend, but Rukia was losing something far more than that.

Byakuya was not blind to his sister's feelings, nor was he able to ignore Renji's. They may have avoided their emotions, but he had seen it long before they had recognized it themselves. And now Rukia was dealing with the pain of losing a person she loves.

He had seen her grapple with this pain once before, when she had been forced to kill her former Lieutenant Kaien Shiba. That had been bad enough, and she had known her love would never be recognized with that man, as he had been happily married. But Renji was not Kaien, and her feelings for the redhead were different. This was far worse, in Byakuya's opinion.

Byakuya had experienced the same pain many years ago, after losing Hisana. Even after so many years, the thought of his late wife was enough to have his emotions falter, his heart consumed with the agony of losing her. It was something he would never wish upon anyone else, knowing the sheer amount of grief he had experienced himself that still haunted him from time to time, but now he was watching Rukia deal with it. Though Renji was not dead, the outcome looked grim.

As he turned, intent on leaving through another exit and allowing the girl her privacy as he visited his Lieutenant, Byakuya found his mind turning to Kurosaki. The human boy was confident as he had departed for Karakura Town, determined to bring that hollow's venom and news of its death with him when he returned to the Soul Society. He feverishly hoped the boy's optimism was not wasted.

Woah, lots of emotion in this one. Rest assured, the next chapter should be a little less depressing, though Renji is not out of the woods yet.

Reviews are greatly appreciated :)

Much love,

Meg