If you guessed that I, Edward Cullen, masculine manly man of Testosteroneville skipped merrily through a field of tulips with my lady love, you'd only be half right. It was more like violets. In a meadow. Not in public. And really, it was more like jogging, not skipping.
I wasn't going to do something cheesy and super ultra romantic like a picnic. No, I was too stuffed with those toe-curling orgasmic pancakes I'd had earlier. I daydreamed that I'd sneak one in a Ziploc baggie and make sweet, sticky love to it in the privacy of my own home. Hopefully, someone wouldn't break in while I was devirginizing a breakfast item. That would make for an interesting headline. If Bella caught me, I think she would have empathized. She's understanding like that. She'd probably let me eat it off of her body before I doused her with my own Edward Cullen Specialty Syrup.
When did I become such a pervert?
I wanted to be all brilliant and original, doing something with Bella besides your typical dinner-and-a-movie cliche, which inspired me to suggest a romantic hike through the forest. What I didn't count on, was that hiking across forest terrain is pretty fucking grueling and, even though I'm in pretty decent shape, I was dripping sweat from every pore of my body, including the less desirable areas.
Then, Bella started getting tired before we reached our intended destination and like a damned fool, I offered her a piggyback ride. It started off as a way to feel her heat (and by her heat, I mean her womanhood) pressed against the small of my back while I carried her and looked all strong and manly. Then, I realized her heat (and by this heat, I mean her actual body temperature) was causing my back to work up into a very non-sexy sweaty lather.
On top of worrying about my back sweat, which was slowly seeping through my t-shirt, I was praying we didn't get eaten by a bear or a wolf.
Thankfully, Mother Nature provided us with this spectacular background of blooms and vibrant green grass. Perhaps said blooms would cover up any body odor that I produced during the Hike From Hell.
"Oh my god, Edward!" Bella exclaimed, "This is gorgeous!"
I reflected my grin back at her, while I mentally patted myself on the back and congratulated myself on a job well done. What can I say? I have top-notch wooing skills.
"You like?" I asked, needing that extra ego stroke...among other things I wanted stroked.
"Are you kidding me? This place is...I...I have no words!"
The wonderment on her face spoke volumes and I watched her twirl through the wildflowers like a little girl. I just stood there and laughed at this goofy gal and reminded myself what a lucky bastard I really was.
I was pulled out of my reverie when I felt her warm hands envelop mine and pull me down onto the ground with her.
"Let's just bask in the sunshine, okay?" Her eyes slipped closed and she inhaled deeply, stretching her arms above her head and sprawling out across the grass.
Propping up on my side and resting my head on my hand, I just laid there watching her soak up the sun and looking so peaceful. The only other time I'd seen her this serene was when she was drugged up in my office chair...well, when her hands weren't wandering to my crotch. And now I was thinking of her wandering hands and what they just might do to me out in the middle of nowhere.
My eyes slipped closed and I rested my head on my arm, as the sunshine warmed my skin and the sounds of the forest lulled me into a light sleep. A while later, I felt fingers threading through my hair and I hummed in contentment.
"You look so cute when you're asleep," she whispered, stroking my hair and my cheek in an alternating pattern.
"Mmmmmm..." was my response, the relaxation making me a non-verbal creature.
Bella began giggling softly and I thought I heard the click of the camera on her phone, so I cracked one eye open to see what she was doing. As I sat up, a braid of flowers slid down over my brow and her giggles became full blown belly laughs.
"Bella, you did NOT just take a picture of me with a braid of flowers in my hair, right?"
She blinked innocently at me, then promptly burst into more giggles.
"Ha Ha. You think you're sooooo funny, don't you?" I looked menacingly at her. She wasn't fooled or intimidated in the least and I wasn't quite sure what to do with that bit of information.
"What's it worth to keep this from going viral, Edward?"
She wouldn't.
She wouldn't!
She...
I looked at her devilish grin and realized...
Yep, she totally would.
And apparently already did, as I watched her finger press a button and moments later my phone started ringing.
Alice.
"Yes?" I answered, only to hear massive guffaws in my ear.
I quietly hung up and pocketed my phone and looked at Bella like a panther might look at a gazelle after a ten day fast. The smile slowly melted off her face and I'd venture to say that she looked just the tiniest bit worried.
"So...anything you want to share with me?"
Bella blinked as innocently as she could fake.
"What? I don't know what you mean?"
My stare drilled into her very soul.
"Uh huh. You forget that Alice tells me all about you ever chance she gets."
Bella tried not to look worried.
"And what did Alice say about me?"
"Ohhhhh...I don't know...something about your stealthy little prank candid shots that you like to post on a certain social networking website like...FACEBOOK!" I think I sounded like the Church Lady right now.
Stalking closer to her on my hands and knees, I snatched the phone out of her hands and set it ever so gently to the ground, before I guided her to lay down on the grass. Her breaths picked up into lustful pants as I brought my mouth just inches from her face.
"Does Alice talk about me, Bella?"
She nodded.
"And what does Alice tell you about me?"
Bella gulped, still panting with want as my face drew closer to hers. I licked my lips in anticipation as I considered what I was about to do.
"That you like to get revenge?"
An evil grin spread across my face.
"That's right," I straddled her and clasped her hands in mine and brought them up and over her head. She squirmed as I fastened her tight to the ground and held both her hands in one of mine, my free hand tracing a line from the tip of her nose, down her lips, across the hollow of her throat, over the mound of her breast.
The free hand roamed and fondled, caressed and stroked her into submission, until she was nothing but a helpless kitten in my fierce grip.
And then I assaulted her underarms mercilessly.
"Noooooo...noooooooooo...I haaaaaaate being tickled! Noooooooo! Stoooooppppp! Edward! Please! I promise I'll delete it! I'll delete it!"
"What?" I asked over her screams, "You want me to what?"
"Pleeeeeeease! Stoooooooop! It's too much!"
"Nobody can hear you Bella. I could tickle you til night falls and there wouldn't be a thing you could do about it."
"I'll delete it! I swear!"
"Uh huh. Why don't I believe you?" My fingers dug into her sides, eliciting even more squeals.
"I will! You can even watch me!"
And, just as quickly as I started her torture, I stopped.
Bella panted heavily, swiping at the corners of her eyes.
"That was evil, you know?"
"Hey, I wasn't the one posting incriminating photos on Facebook."
"Oh, I'm all for tit-for-tat, but really? Tickling to death was the best way to insure my silence?"
Was she challenging me? Again?
"Bella, are you saying the punishment didn't fit the crime?"
She shrugged, "I'm just saying, pictures get deleted from Facebook profiles all the time, only to resurface at a later date."
That mischievous smile returned and I knew it'd only be a matter of time before I got another phone call from my sister. However, I had an idea forming and I knew just what I planned to do about it.
"Well, if and when it happens, just remember that I'm the King of Revenge."
"Ooooooh, I'm soooooooo scared," she taunted. "What are you going to do next? Nuzzle me to death?"
Bella really had no idea who she was toying with. No clue as to how I could possibly exact my revenge. But I was willing to bide my time. To be patient. Wait until she was unsuspecting.
And then, like a viper, I would strike.