Chapter 3

The Doctor's Diary.

Entry Date: Thursday, 1st February, 2018.

'Today is Jackie's birthday, and I'm sure that she's 51. I mean, come on, I'm a Time Lord. Well, part Time Lord, but I still know about time. And even if Jackie denies it, I know she's 51. Welll, 48 at the least. But this is Pete's world and it's complicated.'

'Now I ask you, how does that make me the bad guy? Just because someone at the party asked me how old she was and I told them.'

'Oh, the party. I forgot to mention that. Now I have to say at the start that it wasn't my fault. It was an innocent mistake that could have happened to anyone. In fact, thinking about it, I wish it had happened to anyone but me….'

Rose's diary.

Entry Date: Thursday, 1st February 2018

'Mum's birthday today. (She's 48, but don't tell anyone. She doesn't want people to know) I don't know why she's so techy about her age, I think she looks great.'

'Now, John may have been around Humans for hundreds of years, but he's only been one for three of them and he has a lot to learn about women. (Even if he is in touch with his 'inner Donna')'

'I think his inexperience with actually being Human may have been the problem when things got a bit 'complicated' at Mum's 45th ;-) birthday party….'

Tyler Mansion.

Thursday 1st February 2018.

"Hi Alistair," Rose said, kissing his cheek. "We're not the first one's here are we?"

"Hello Mrs. Smith, Dr. Smith, Master Eyulf. No, you are not the first, the party is getting up steam as we speak."

"Ooh good. I absolutely hate being the first at a party," John told him. "It makes you seem so desperate, as though you never get invited to anything and you have to make the most of it."

Rose chuckled at him. "There again," he continued. "Being the last can make you look as though you could hardly be bothered to turn up, and Jackie would kill me if she thought I wasn't bothered…. Which I am, because Jackie does brilliant parties."

Rose was laughing now at his runaway gob. "Shall we go in then before everyone has arrived and made us the last to say hello? Just follow your son who has already gone through to the lounge."

They passed Alistair, who had an enormous grin on his face and went down the hallway to the lounge, following the music. People were milling about in the hallway, between the lounge, the dining room and the drawing room.

Rose found her Mum in the lounge. "Happy birthday Mum!" She gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek before handing over a shiny, metallic gift bag.

"Oh thank you Sweetheart," she said as she took the bag and peeked inside.

"It's some special bath salts and perfume from a herbalist on Shan Shen. John says that the bath salts relax the mind and revitalise the body, and the perfume will drive Pete wild."

"Does he now," she said suspiciously.

John leaned forwards and kissed her cheek. "Rose uses them all the time. Happy birthday Jackie."

"Well if Rose uses 'em…. Thank you both, that's lovely. Now why don't you go and help yourself to some nibbles in the dining room."

Rose went to round up EJ to tell him there were nibbles to be had. He was gossiping with Tony about their latest escapades. While Rose was doing this, John happened to notice Jackie greeting another couple.

"Jeffrey, how nice to see you. And this must be Samantha you told me about," Jackie said, exchanging kisses.

John remembered Jackie gossiping with her friend Sylvia at New Year. Geoffrey was supposed to be going straight.

["Would you look at that Rose? That Geoffrey has only gone and brought his latest floozy to the party. How brazen is that? And after he promised his wife that he wouldn't do it again,"] he thought to her.

["Are you sure? I thought Mum told me they were divorced,"] she thought back as she moved into the dining room.

["No. I overheard Jackie talking with Sylvia at the New Year party. And I'd have thought that Jackie would be a bit more confrontational. She seems to be welcoming her with open arms. You've got to admire his nerve,"] John thought to her.

["Well, it's her birthday party. She probably doesn't want to spoil it with any bad feelings. Anyway, come and have something to eat. The foods gorgeous."]

"Ooh, horderves," he said from behind her, having sneaked up and presented a glass of champagne around her front, and a bottle of Vitex for EJ.

She turned her head and kissed his cheek. "Thanks Love."

They wandered between the rooms, saying hello to the various guests that they knew, and being introduced to the guests that they didn't.

"And how old is the birthday girl today?" a man introduced as Harry asked Rose.

"51," John said, matter-of-factly.

"John!" Rose gasped. "Rude and wrong. She's 48, not that it's anybody's business. I'm going to have to sit down with you and explain about women and their age."

"I'm not wrong Rose. Don't you remember when we first came here in 2007? It was Jackie's 40th birthday party. That was 11 years ago." John stopped, deep in thought. "Has it really been 11 years?"

"But John, this world is three years ahead of our old world. That makes Mum 48, and she won't thank you for aging her three years."

"I can't help that Love. If she wants to be this worlds Jacqueline Andrea Suzette Tyler, she'll have to be 51…." He suddenly stopped talking and had a wicked grin on his face.

"What?" Rose asked.

"I've just noticed the initials of your Mum's name. J-A-S-T. She's a member of the Cult Of Skaro," he said with a laugh.

Rose put her hand to her mouth and snorted a laugh. "Oh my God, Dalek Jast," she giggled.

"Well, she's got the screechy voice," he laughed, even harder now.

John finished off his food and took the last sip of his drink, before putting the empty plate and glass on a table. "I'm just popping to the loo," he told Rose and headed out into the hallway.

After he had finished having a pee, John came out of the bathroom and noticed that Alistair was opening the door to a late arrival.

"Ah, Mrs. Hatfield. You made it then. Mrs. Tyler was afraid you would be stuck at the conference all evening."

"Hello Alistair. It finished early thank goodness and I was able to nip home and get my glad rags on. Geoffrey had already left for his late session with the cabinet."

John froze at the name Geoffrey. 'No. There must be hundreds of Geoffrey's in London', he thought to himself.

"So I thought to myself, 'Jessica, you might be a bit late but you can still make the party, and here I am."

'Jessica Hatfield. Oh isn't that just wizard.'

"I'm sure Mrs. Tyler will be delighted to see you," Alistair said, taking her coat.

'I'm sure she won't', John thought. ["ROSE! We have a problem. Does the Mansion have an underground shelter? We made be able to survive the fallout."]

["John? What's wrong?"] Rose thought back.

["We need to go into Special Operations mode. We've got a mission impossible."]

["What's the matter?"]

["Geoffrey's wife has turned up unexpectedly. She thinks he's at a late sitting of Parliament."]

["Oh shit!"]

["Mummy thought a naughty word,"] EJ giggled in their heads.

["Aaargh! John, telepathic kids were not in my game plan when I imagined having a family. Can't you switch him off or somethin'?"] Rose thought frustratedly.

["Sorry Love, you're just going to have to learn screen your thoughts a little better."]

John started to think on his feet. If T, N and T came together there would be an almighty explosion that would certainly put a damper on Jackie's birthday.

["Right. Jessica doesn't know who Samantha is. Geoffrey, Jackie and Samantha don't know that Jessica is here. If Jessica spots Geoffrey and Samantha together, she'll put two and two together. If Jackie spots Jessica, she'll know its all going to kick off."]

["John, this is gettin' a bit complicated,"] Rose thought to him concerned.

["Try and keep up Love. All we have to do is stop Jessica seeing her husband and his tart together, and Jackie from seeing that Jessica is here."]

["Oh is that all?"] she thought, sarcastically.

John ignored the sarcasm and went straight into planning mode. ["I'm in the hallway with Jessica. I'll intercept her and direct her to the food in the dining room. You try and track down Samantha and stop her from heading for the dining room for now."]

["And how am I supposed to do that?"]

["I don't know. Girl talk, that should delay her."] he thought hopefully. ["Rose Smith, did you just roll your eyes at me?"]

["Agent Rose is headin' out to find her target. And to think I thought I was comin' to a party to enjoy myself,"] she mentally muttered.

"Hello. I'm John Smith," John said, holding out his hand.

"Oh, Dr. Smith. You're Jackie's son-in-law," Jessica said as she shook his hand.

"That's right, and it's John. I heard you telling Alistair that you've come straight from a conference. I bet you could do with a bite to eat, there's a lovely spread in the dining room."

"Ooh that sounds lovely," she replied.

John held out his bent arm. "Then allow me."

She took his arm and they headed down the hallway, chatting as they went.

["Target One deflected. See, I told you we could do it."]

["Hmpff"] is all he got back.

Rose looked in the drawing room and saw Samantha. She walked towards her and her Mum suddenly appeared in front of her.

"Whatcha up to?" she asked suspiciously.

Rose looked past her Mum's shoulder at Samantha before switching on her smile. "Nothin' Mum. I'm not up to anythin'. Just minglin' with the guests."

["Ooh good answer,"] John thought to her.

"Hmph. I know you two are up to somethin'," Jackie said. "And what does his lordship think he's doin', tellin' everyone I'm 51 when I'm 45? I'll wring his scrawny neck when I get my hands on 'im."

"48 Mum,and as John pointed out, this worlds Jackie was three years ahead of ya."

"Well I ain't her, am I? I'm watchin' ya both, 'cause I know what kind things happen when you an' 'im get up to somethin'. She did the double fingers pointing at her eyes and then at Rose's and back to her own, thing. Rose continued her journey towards Samantha.

"Hi. I'm Rose, Jackie's daughter," Rose introduced herself to Samantha, holding out her hand.

"Oh of course you are. I've been following you in the media," the woman said with a charming smile. "Samantha Deville, I'm here with Jeffrey. He's just gone to get me a plate of food."

Rose's face paled. ["JOHN! You've got incoming. Geoffrey's on his way to get food."]

["Couldn't you stop him?"]

["Stop him! I haven't even seen 'im."]

["Uh-oh. Too late he's here. Isn't that just 'pip and dandy'? I'm going to have to play this by ear."]

"Hello Jeffrey. Fancy seeing you here," Jessica said.

"Oh hello Jessica." They kissed politely.

'Blimey! That was a bit frosty', John thought to himself.

"Have you met John? He's Jackie's son-in-law," Jessica said pleasantly.

["No mention of him supposing to be at a late sitting in Westminster. I think she knows,"] he thought to Rose.

"No we haven't met. Dr. Smith, a pleasure to meet you." Jeffrey shook his hand.

'I'd rather die than have me and Rose end up like this. I couldn't stand it', he mused. He suddenly got a warm glow in his head.

["God I love you John Smith. That's one of the nicest things you've not said to me."] He could feel her holding back mental tears. ["Just for that, I'm going to show you what I'm going to do to you later."] She sent him an erotic thought that made the front of his trousers bulge momentarily.

"Blimey," he squeaked out loud.

"Excuse me?" Jeffrey asked.

John thought quickly. "I was just saying 'blimey', look at the caviar."

["Nice recovery,"] Rose giggled.

["I'll deal with you later…. Hang on. Reinforcements heading your way."]

"Pardon me. I've just seen someone I need to talk to," he told them and headed through the crowd in search of a friendly face he'd spotted.

"Jack?"

"Oh hi Doc. Enjoying the party?" Jack Harkness said with a smile.

"No! Rose is in the…."

["Drawing room."]

"... Drawing room, talking to an attractive young lady. Go and say hello."

Jack looked at him suspiciously. "You normally tell me off for saying hello to beautiful young ladies…. What's the catch?"

John rolled his eyes. "No catch. Just need a diversion." He could see from the look on Jack's face that he was going to have to give him some sort of explanation.

"There's a potential domestic about to kick off and ruin Jackie's birthday. We're trying to prevent it by keeping the volatile elements apart."

"You'd do that for Jackie?"

"Well, yeah, I suppose so. But I'm doing this for Pete. Because Jackie will find a way to blame the Director of Torchwood, with all it's high tech resources, for not seeing it coming and stopping it."

Jack was about to say something, thought better of it and closed his mouth. "A good point well made. Look out ladies, I'm coming to say hello," he said with his best, boyish smile.

["Okay Rose, the cavalry's coming. When Jack gets there, see if you can hook up with Geoffrey. Oh, and have you seen your Mum?"]

["I think she was at the disco in the ballroom, having a dance with Dad."]

["We're going to need more troops to keep tabs on everybody at this rate."]

["Mummy, Daddy, whotcha doin'?"] EJ asked them, thinking they were having fun playing a game.

["Er, it's a sort of hide-and-seek for grown ups,"] Rose thought to him. ["You carry on playin' with Tony Sweetheart."]

["Okay,"] he said, slightly disappointed.

["No. Wait. EJ, bring Tony and your Space Patrol toys. There's a nice lady who would love to hear all about them,"] John said.

["John! You're not ropin' my son and my brother into this,"] Rose said.

["We've got them Daddy. Where's the lady?"]

["See Rose. They're up for it, and our son is adorable. Jessica will love it. I'll bring her through to the lounge son."]

["You haven't heard the last of this Dr. Smith."]

["Rose, it'll be fine. With those two launching a charm offensive, what could possibly go wrong?"]

Jack made his way to the drawing room and soon spotted his favourite girl talking with an attractive brunette.

"Rosie. How are things?"

"Oh, hi Jack," she replied as he approached.

"And who do we have here?" he said, turning on his considerable charm.

"This is Samantha."

"Well hello Samantha. Jack Harkness, pleased to make your acquaintance Samantha." Jack took her hand and very gallantly kissed it.

Rose rolled her eyes in amusement. "I'm just going to mingle; I'll leave you to it." She headed off in the direction of the dining room to try and keep Geoffrey occupied.

"Jessica, have you met my son yet?" John asked innocently as a proud father. He didn't have to act that bit, he was fiercely proud of his son.

"No I haven't yet. Jackie's shown me pictures of him."

"Oh you must come and meet him. I think he's in the lounge, playing with Tony."

They made their way to the lounge and EJ spotted them. "Daddy," he called out.

John ruffled his son's hair. "Hiya son. This is Jessica, she's Grandma's friend."

EJ held out his hand in a grown up fashion. "Hello Jessica. I'm Eyulf. Would you like to see our toys?"

Jessica shook his hand. She had an enormous smile on her face. "I'd love to see them." She looked over at John. "He's as adorable as Jackie said he was."

'That's my boy', John thought with a grin. ["See Rose. Piece of cake."]

There was a mental pause where you could hear a pin drop, except it was a penny.

["Oh God! The cake!"] Rose thought with despair.

["What cake?"]

["It's a birthday party! What cake do you thi…."]

"Ladies and gentlemen," Alistair called out. "If you would like to make your way to the dining room, we will have a rousing chorus of Happy Birthday, after which, the Lady-of the- House will blow out the candle."

He gave them his impish smile. "Yes you heard correctly, 'the candle'. There is only one, so don't bother trying to count them like the rings on a tree."

The guests laughed as they made their way to the dining room. John was desperately racking his brains to think of a way of keeping the protagonists from congregating in the dining room, when the large, decorative candle was lit and the lights turned off.

John looked up to the ceiling. 'Thank you' he mouthed to which ever deity happened to be looking down on him with pity.

"Happy birthday to you / Happy birthday to you / Happy birthday dear Jackie (Mother, Grandma, Mrs Tyler) / Happy birthday to you."

Jackie blew out the candle and the room went dark, while the guests applauded. The lights came back on to reveal all the guest standing around the table.

John and Rose gulped as their hearts sank. That particular deity that John had thanked moments ago certainly had a sense of humour. There on the other side of the table was Geoffrey, his right arm around Samantha's shoulder. She had her left arm around his waist.

If that wasn't bad enough, Jessica was standing to his left.

["Ohhhhh Goddddd,"] John thought to Rose. He made his way surreptitiously around the table towards Jessica.

"Er, Jessica. I know this looks bad, but please don't kick off. It's Jackie's birthday," John whispered in her ear.

"Excuse me?" she said with a puzzled look on her face.

"Well, I know how upsetting it must be for you to see your husband here with another woman when he promised you he wouldn't," John said sympathetically. The other guests were starting to take an interest in the conversation.

"My Geoffrey is here? With another woman? Where is he?" she asked, anger rising in her voice.

John looked puzzled. "There, right beside you. Geoffrey, with his arm around 'the other woman'."

Jessica looked at the man standing next to her. "Jeffrey isn't my husband. Geoffrey is my husband. Jeffrey here is divorced."

"What?" John said perplexed. Rose could hear the metaphorical spade digging into the soil and a sod of earth being thrown over his shoulder.

"Oh God. What 'ave yer done now? I knew you were up to somethin'," Jackie said accusingly.

"Well Jackie, as you're asking. It was YOU that greeted this man as Geoffrey. And it was you who were gossiping about his 'straying from the fold' as it were. And when he turns up at your party with another woman on his arm, what am I supposed to think?" John said in his defence.

"That's just it," Jackie said with a hint of mirth in her voice. "You're supposed to think, not just go off half cocked on some bleedin' Torchwood mission. Jessica is married to Geoffrey Hatfield, Geoffrey with a 'G'. This here is Jeffrey Lewis, Jeffrey with a 'J'."

"Oh, well pardon me for not hearing the spelling. You don't walk around with subtitles you know." There were titters from some of the guests. Oops, there goes another sod of earth. He was now standing in a hole that he was digging for himself. Rose tried unsuccessfully to stifle a laugh.

"I mean, it was an easy enough mistake to make, what with Geoffrey appearing with a woman who had a different name to his wife's."

"What, so it's easy enough to think that I'm some sort of adulterer or tart or something?" Samantha asked angrily.

"Adulteress," John corrected her.

SMACK! Samantha slapped his cheek. 'Clang'. That's it, he's hit bedrock. He can't dig himself any deeper.

Jackie burst out laughing. "I did that to 'im once," she said between howls of laughter. "But he had a different face then."

'So that's how he got those foxy looks,' the ladies were thinking. 'Plastic surgery'.

Rose started to giggle, finding it difficult not to see the funny side of this fiasco.

"No! I didn't mean it was easy to think that you were an adulteress. I meant it was easy to not know how Jeffrey with a 'J' spelt his name," he pleaded. "Why can't Geoffrey with a 'G' be pronounced 'Gethfrey' or something. I mean if I spelt John with a 'G'. I'd be Gone."

Jackie howled again and collapsed on one of the dining room chairs, holding her abdomen. "You've been gone for years. Especially in the 'ead," she spluttered, tears rolling down her cheeks.

Other guests started to laugh, not at John particularly, but at Jackie and Rose who were sat side by side, holding each other up so that they didn't fall off the chairs and roll on the floor.

Jeffrey had a warm, sympathetic smile on his face. He was a lawyer and had seen many cases where circumstances, coincidences and jumping to wrong conclusions had ended up in court.

"Come on Love," he said to Samantha. "Surely you can see how John reached that conclusion. I mean you'd make a pretty 'hot' mistress," he said with a cheeky grin.

Samantha blushed and smiled at John. "I suppose it is quite funny."

Jackie and Rose were helpless with laughter. "I…. I…. think I'm going to pee myself," Rose managed to say as she gasped for breath, which set Jackie off again. Every time they looked up and saw John's deadpan expression, they started again.

A glass of scotch appeared in front of John and he looked to his left to see Pete holding it out to him, and having one for himself. He gave John a lopsided grin and raised his glass in salute.

"I've not seen her laugh like this at a birthday party for years. Well done mate."

John silently took the glass, thought about the whole fiasco, and then a smile started to form at the edges of his mouth.

"Cheers," he said raising the glass and then knocking it back. "Happy birthday Jackie."