And what discussion of personal attributes would be complete without honourable mention of Deeks' hair? I think we all know how I feel about that particular subject...

"Talking of hair… and your hair in particular." Sam looked at Deeks meaningfully. "Start typing now." He paused. "How can I put this?"

"Full head of hair" he suggested hopefully, fingers hovering just above the keyboard. "And nice, thick, curly blond hair into the bargain. It does make me stand out from you and Callen, you have to admit that Sam."

"I do not have to admit anything on the grounds that I might incriminate myself."

Deeks continued regardless. This had been established as a character trait, so he felt it was fully justified. "Plus, it does mean that I'm better in night ops, as my shiny head won't give me away when the moonlight bounces off my bald bonce. Unlike some people."

"Scruffy hair," Callen said emphatically. "That's what I'd put down. Because it always looks like it needs a good brush. A bit like one of those shaggy mutts you see in the appeals from animal shelters. The ones nobody adopts." It was high time Deeks realised the pecking order of this show, he thought. Coming swanning in here with that disconcerting amount of hair and just letting it do its own thing. It was un-American. There ought to be a law against it. There possible was, in some states. He just had to find out which ones and then make sure Deeks got sent on a mission there.

Kensi sighed and only just managed not to run her fingers through said hair, although it was tempting – very tempting indeed. But she was a professional, after all. "That's deliberate, G. It's called 'bed head' hair and it's actually highly attractive."

"No, it isn't."

"Actually, it is. Women look at Deeks, see his hair and immediately think of bed. Some men probably do as well."

"Come on, Kensi, surely Deeks' hair isn't that bad that they have to go and lie down in a darkened room to get over it."

"Very funny, Sam. Just don't ever take up comedy professionally. Women see my hair and think of bed. More particularly, they think of me in bed. And that makes me happy. It's like I'm providing this valuable service." Deeks looked up at Kensi expectantly. "How about I just put in 'great hair'? Would that work?" Sooner or later he would have to remind Sam and Callen exactly who Shane had chosen to spend an entire episode in bed, modelling both great hair and bandages with great aplomb.

"It would work for me," she assured him, and indulged herself with just letting her fingers drift over the ends of his hair. "And it certainly works for the girls in hair and make up."

Callen looked nonplussed. It was a difficult look to carry off and could easily be confused with being perplexed or even having an upset stomach, but he managed to walk that thin line with great skill. "We have hair and make-up? We have girls in hair and make-up? Really? Since when? Did you know this, Sam?"

"No." Sam looked perplexed, which was a couple of notches down from nonplussed, but still carried the same general air of confusion. The Creator only allowed one person to look nonplussed per episode. It was one of his little quirks and when Dom had tried to challenge the decision and attempted to sneak in an extra, unsanctioned nonplussed look in one episode, Shane had seen red and made sure that was the last of Dom. Sure enough, a few episodes later and Dom was no more. He was an ex-agent. And now, it was as if the guy had never existed. And they'd got Deeks instead. The remaining cast got the message loud and clear and stuck to the rules. "Are these girls hot?"

"Hot as hell and twice as sweet." Deeks sighed at the memories – and the anticipation.

"And they spend lots of time of Deeks. They even hang a 'do not disturb' sign on the trailer when he's in there."

"How come Deeks gets hair and makeup and we don't? What's he got that we haven't?"

"Hair," Kensi said succinctly. "Hot hair. Put 'insanely great hair' down, Deeks. That ought to cover it."

"How come they spend so much time on his hair and it still looks like he's just rolled out of bed?"

Deeks just smirked. "Exactly. Clever, aren't they? And cunning. And they don't even have to use any products, which cuts down on costs." Shane was big on cutting costs where he could, as that way he could afford more insanely big explosions. Shane liked explosions. The rumours that he was a pyromaniac were exactly that – just rumours. Even if he did stand a little too close for comfort when something was rigged to explode.

Sam really was not pleased. "I'm going to have a word with Shane. That's blatant prejudice."

"Unless you can grow some hair overnight, he's just going to laugh at you and send you away with a duster and a can of Pledge to polish that chrome dome. It takes those girls all their time just to get me looking like this."

The gloves were well and truly off now. "You want some distinguishing features to put down on that form Deeks? Okay, I'll give you some. How about that nose of yours for starters?"

"My nose?" He felt the said article. "What's wrong with my nose?"

"It's not your nose, so much as your nostrils," Kensi said ruefully. "They're kind of big. Your nose is quite cute actually, especially from the side, but seen straight on, the extra large nostrils kind of ruin everything."

"They're so big a whole team of cavers could get lost in there. Pity you can't get a nostril reduction operation. It could make all the difference. You just put down 'disconcertingly large nostrils' on that spreadsheet of yours. And I'm watching, so don't even try to get out of it." Sam folded his arms implacably and watched as Deeks reluctantly added the entry. "And then we come to the eyes…"

"What's wrong with my eyes?"

"They're different sizes. The left one's bigger than the right one. You're lopsided."

"You're just jealous, because Deeks' eyes are bluer than yours, Callen."

Callen did a double take, having just watched Arsenic and Old Lace for the umpteenth time last night. With Shane, no less. He knew which side his bread was buttered on. "Excuse me? Just because you fell for his baby blues the moment you saw him, Kensi doesn't mean I'm jealous. But it does means you're prejudiced."

"That's because Kensi's got the hots for Deeks." God, Sam loved that line so much. He looked over to where the scriptwriters were standing and gave them a cheery wink, in his inimitable style.

Callen decided to ignore this. He was more than a little hacked off with the way Sam insisted on pulling this scene –stealing manoeuvre. "And my eyes aren't crossed either."

"Neither are mine! Except when I'm looking at things closely." Deeks carefully pulled his chair way back from the laptop, just to avoid any danger of his unfortunate tendency to providing unwitting optical effects.

"That must be so romantic when you're kissing a girl and you see double. And she sees your cross-eyes."

"That's why Kensi keeps her eyes shut when we kiss." Deeks clapped his hand over his mouth at exactly the same moment as Kensi shot him a look to kill. "Can we shoot that scene again?"

"The camera's weren't rolling, you idiot." Kensi had to work very hard not to grind her teeth together, because she didn't want 'stumpy teeth' added to her list of characteristics. "I'll see you later," she added in an ominous undertone.

"I knew it!" Sam crowed happily. "Kensi's got the hots for Deeks." Some lines simply couldn't be repeated too often, he thought. It was right up there with 'I think we're going to need a bigger boat' and even 'I love the smell of napalm in the morning'. He wondered if Kensi loved the smell of Deeks in the morning and decided that she probably did.

"And from the looks of things, Deeks has got his rocks off." Callen wondered what the Creator would think about that. Or even if he'd planned it all along. Shane was sneaky like that. Look how poor old Nate had been a series regular in season one and then suddenly, there he was, popping off to nowhere, with only a couple of reappearances in season two. That had to hurt. And hurt the bank balance too. Still, at least he didn't die in a flurry of bullets like that other guy. What was his name again? Dim? No, that wasn't quite right, even if he was rather. Dim, that was. As far as Callen recalled, he'd tried to over-rule Shane on some small matter. Big mistake. He didn't try that one again, mainly because he was dead. What the hell had he been called? Oh yes, Dom. That was it. Funny how quickly he'd been forgotten, Callen mused.

Crack-fic bunny is lying on his back, all four paws in that air and looking very relaxed. I wish I had whatever he has... I wish I had Deeks too.