"I think we're missing something really obvious," Callen said. At this rate, the show was going to lose all its sponsors if this sort of smut continued.
Kensi shot him an incredulous look. "You might be, Callen – but I can assure you, I'm not. And neither are the female viewers. And quite possibly some of the male viewers too."
It was at this point that Deeks dropped a pencil accidentally-on-purpose and crawled beneath the desk, where he judged it safest to remain. This conversation was going places he would really rather it didn't. Not in public, anyway. It was an entirely different matter when he and Kensi were alone together, of course.
"What?" Kensi had clocked the incredulous looks Callen and Sam were shooting her. "I was only stating the obvious. You go ask the girls in Wardrobe – the ones who check his pants out for the right fit. The right, tight fit."
"Excuse me? I'm still here, you know. And I can hear every word you're saying."
"All I'm saying is that it's nice not to be the only one dressed in revealing clothes, that's all."
"Kensi," Callen said patiently, "I was talking about tattoos. Sam's tattoos, to be exact. Not the fit of Deeks' pants. Even if you can tell which side he dresses to."
"That is seriously creepy, Callen. You've been checking me out?" Deeks crawled back out from underneath the desk, butt first, in a pair of very well-fitting jeans. Those girls in Wardrobe certainly knew what they were doing, even if they took a really long time in doing it. But then some things can't be rushed.
"I've stood beside you in the mens' room often enough."
"Oh dear God in heaven. You're not supposed to look, Callen. You're supposed to stare straight ahead. Didn't your mother teach you anything?" Deeks was very tempted to crawl back to safety once again. And he was quite certain he was never going to pee anywhere near Callen again. Ever.
"Guess not. That lesson must have got lost somewhere in one of the moves between foster homes." He looked at Sam. "He's having me on, right? Everyone looks – don't they?"
"He's not having you on, G. I always kind of meant to mention it to you, but I just thought you liked me. Really liked me, if you get my drift."
"Oh God." Shane was going to freak when he saw rushes for this particular segment, Callen realised. There was no way this would make it past the network censors. Not to mention the fact he probably had the worst possible reputation in NCIS: Callen – the man who looks.
Kensi felt quite sorry for Callen's obvious shock and decided it was prudent to change the subject. "Anyway, about Sam's tattoos – that a good point. They've got to be the classic distinguishing feature. Put them down, Deeks. Tribal armband on left arm. Big funny one on right arm."
"I'm almost certain I asked for a microphone, but it didn't quite turn out the way I imagined it." Sam extended his arm and surveyed it curiously.
"That's modern art for you – you can never tell what it's meant to be." Deeks joined Sam in studying the inkwork. "That had to have hurt."
"It was agony. I cried like a baby. And when they gave me the bill, I cried even more. Man, it's an expensive business getting inked. But I managed to persuade him to give me a discount. On account of the fact I was a lot bigger than he was." It had to be said that Sam was a lot bigger than most people.
"Don't forget the one on the back of your leg. Those Japanese characters. Exactly what do they say?" Deeks looked closely, totally forgetting that this made his eyes cross, and started to smile.
"It's personal," Sam said defensively.
Deeks shook his head. "No it's not."
"If I say 'it's personal', then it is personal. Get it?"
"That's not what it says though."
"The meaning is private. Alright?"
"Fair enough. I just can't work out why you've got 'wash dark colours separately' written in Japanese on your leg. But if that's what floats your boat, then fair enough."
"I am going to kill that guy. I knew I shouldn't have gone back after he did my sleeve for such a good price." Sam tried to salvage what little was left of his pride by storming off the set.
"I didn't know you read Japanese characters, Deeks."
Deeks grinned joyfully. "Who said that I do?"
"You are in big trouble," Callen warned. "Shane isn't going to be pleased when he finds out Sam's gone AWOL. This scene was written for four leads, and now there's only three."
"Aw, Shane will be cool with it."
No sooner had the words left his mouth than there was an almighty bang and a great puff of white smoke bellowed forth.
"We've never had an explosion inside the Mission before," Kensi observed. "And I'm sure this wasn't on the shooting script for today. You reckon the special effects guys just got bored or something?" She peered anxiously through the haze, because it looked as if someone – or something – was coming towards them.
Just in case anyone is wondering: Deeks dresses to the left. Not that I was looking or anything like that. Of course not. i'm a respectable lady in my prime. And you can go tell that one to the Marines. I do have impeccable taste though.