CHAPTER 17

Some things we don't talk about

Better do without

Just hold a smile

We're falling in and out of love

The same damn problem

My Dearest Callie,

Does this darkness have a name? This cruelness and this hatred. How did it find me? Did it just sneak in to my life while I was sleeping and didn't notice or did I welcome it with open arms? What is happening with the world? When did we lose our path? The shadows and the darkness swallows me whole days like these. Does this darkness have a name? Is it perhaps my name? Or your name? I guess you must've been figuring out by now that I lost one of my patients. This little kid became the victim of a bullet that one robber decided to fire off. He was fighting until the bitter end and I tried so hard to save him. He was so scared. Now I can't erase the image of his big, brown eyes and that expression he had in them when we put him to sleep right before his surgery.

Right after I confirmed his death I went away to take a breather. I wanted to be alone with my thoughts for a while. And then I started to think about how precious life really is. I mean, as a doctor and surgeon, it is so easy to just shut those thoughts off for most of the time. It bothers me a bit though it seems like I've become regardless to every things that surrounds me. And I do not want to become someone who doesn't feel things cause she so could at shutting feelings out. It doesn't work that way. I've come to that conclusion right now. Just as that little boy's life ended and I had my hands on him I decided that I'm going to stop hide and lie about my feelings from now on.

It seems like that our lives is just series of images passing us by unnoticed. Like we're driving fast pass it on the highway without even looking. But I know that there is also moments filled with things that makes us speechless when they happens and in that exact moment we know by instinct that that moment will be with us forever. I had one of those moments today in a bad way. But then I started to think about one of the good moments in my life that I will never forget.

And what can I tell you? It's a moment that involves you and dirty, old bathroom in the back of a certain bar just a little over a year ago…

All my Love,

A

"Tell me what you love about Callie." Dr Wyatt asked firmly.

Arizona was feeling slightly uncomfortable at the situation she was in for the moment. Both Callie and Dr Wyatt were eying her attentively. She hadn't thought of the fact that she would feel so exposed. It was one thing writing her inner thoughts down in a letter and a whole other thing to sit here and do the same in front of an unfamiliar person who did not know a thing about her. But she had agreed to this so she was going to give it a wholehearted try.

"Well", she said hesitantly. "I love that she can't hide her emotions no matter how hard she tries not to. And I love that she cares so much about people. I love her because she has a huge heart. I love her humor and her being able to make people see the good things in life even when it seems hopeless. I love her passion. I love the fact that she is so devoted to me. I love that, I really do."

All through her little speech she had been looking cautiously at Callie and she noticed she was being rewarded with a small smile from the brunette when she had finished.

"Good", Dr Wyatt stated. "Now I want you Callie to tell me what you love about Arizona."

Callie shifted slightly in the couch they were seated in.

"I-I love Arizona's eyes", she mumbled. "I love them cause I can just see my self drown in them. I love them because they are like a mirror of who Arizona is. She is so full of life and joy and happiness. I love that she always wanting to try and 'fix' people. Even if they're not sure they even want to be fixed and now I'm not talking about her work. I love her because she is easy and I'm not. I love that she can be all perky and chatty because then I can just watch her forever. I love the cute dimples she gets when she smiles or when she laughs. And I love her for coming back."

Arizona's heart flip-flopped at Callie's last sentence and she lifted her eyes to meet Callie's gaze.

"Nobody has never done that before.", Callie said softly. "Not for me."

"Can you tell Callie why you came back Arizona?" Dr Wyatt urged.

Arizona held Callie's eyes in a steady gaze when she answered.

"I came back because I did a mistake", she stated firmly. "For the first time in my life I admitted to myself that I made something wrong and I wanted to make it right again. I came back because I missed her. Everything about her. And I've never came back for anyone before. But I realized that she was the one. She was the one that I wanted to come back to. For the first time in my life I wanted to choose love in front of surgery."

"How does it feel to hear that Callie?" Dr Wyatt asked.

"It makes me feel loved", Callie answered. "But it also makes me feel angry."

"And why does it make you feel angry?" Dr Wyatt pushed.

Arizona was beginning to get annoyed by the monotone voice that the psychologist used. She tried to calm her self down because she really wanted to hear Callie's answer and she really, really wanted to understand it this time.

"Because she left. And then she came back."

Dr Wyatt hummed to her self and started to write something down in the patch she had situated in her lap.

"Here's a thought", the psychologist suggested. "You said that no one never came back before. But Arizona did. Could it just be that you're angry with her because she is the only one that you'd ever had the chance to be angry at since she actually came back?"

Callie seemed to reflect on the thought for a few seconds.

"I guess. I mean, I've never really thought about it."

"Well, maybe you should think about it", Dr Wyatt said and gave the brunette a small smile. "Here's another thought. I can see that you two love each other very much. But it seems very hard for the both of you to actually manage to explain what you feel in words. My guess is that you instead have showed your feelings by being physical with one another. Am I close?"

"Yes."

"Yes."

Both women had answered at the exact same amount of time and laughed a little while meeting each other's eyes.

"Here's an idea then", Dr Wyatt said. "I want you to practice to tell each what you feel about things. Not just about each other. And practice to put the question: How do you feel about that? out to each other. And do it often. But do NOT do it with hugs, kisses or by having sex. Instead I want you to say that it makes you want to hug, kiss or having sex. Do you understand what I mean?"

"So basically we can't touch each other at all?", Arizona exclaimed sounding very dissatisfied. "Is that what you're saying?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying", Dr Wyatt stated. "You'll be surprised how much you can learn about another human being by actually talking and solving problems verbally instead of physically."

Arizona grunted and Callie couldn't help but giggle at the blonde's reaction to the psychologist's proposal.

"Fine", the blonde muttered. "We'll try that then. Anything else?"

"Yes", Dr Wyatt said firmly. "Do not, and I repeat do NOT scream or fight with each other. Because that is the result you get of not listening to one another. Please try and remember that."

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The two women had used their lunchtime to visit Dr Wyatt who had been slightly surprised to hear from them. She didn't know the couple personally but she had seen them at the hospital a couple of times and she had always thought that they'd seem so in love with each other. The perky PED's surgeon and the gorgeous Latina orthopedic surgeon had seemed like a perfect match but she also had heard about the PED's surgeon and the Carter Madison Grant. When they had contacted the psychologist the day before and told her that they needed help she had immediately agreed to meet them the next they during lunch.

Arizona and Callie walked out from Dr Wyatt's office in a peaceful silence. Both of them felt relief after the hour that they'd spent with the psychologist and they had booked another appointment the following week. Dr Wyatt had been right about a lot of things and with her asking the right questions it seemed to lose some tension between them. Since yesterday's furious fight and explosive lovemaking, which they of course hadn't been discussing, and deep down they both knew it was a typical Arizona and Callie-thing to do when it came down to solving problems. First fighting and screaming and instead of actually talking the problems through they had sex. Amazing and mind blowing sex of course but the sex had never been their main problem. The point was that after yesterday's event they had promised each other to be better with the talking and therefore the appointments with Dr Wyatt.

"Do you have time to eat something quick?" Callie questioned when they reached the elevator. "Or do you have a scheduled surgery or something you must run to?"

"Actually, I promised Teddy I'd meet her for coffee so we could do a checkup on that teenager we operated on last week. I'm going to meet the patient's parents afterwards and tell them the result. And then I'm going to supervise Alex through a laparoscopic herniarrhaphy. And then I have evening rounds to check on my post ops. I'll probably be done quite late tonight if I even make it out of here before I start again tomorrow."

Callie laughed softly.

"I guess that means no then."

Arizona sighed.

"I'm sorry. It's just that I have been neglecting Teddy the last couple of days and we haven't seen each other that much and since I actually get to live with her right now I just…"

"It's okay. I understand."

Arizona looked cautiously at Callie.

"I was thinking maybe we could have breakfast together tomorrow morning or something? Maybe not here though. We could go to Starbuck's. I long for a really sweet Vanilla Latte with whipped cream. Now that I don't get taste other sweet things for a while I mean."

The blonde winked playfully at Callie who rolled her eyes back to her.

"You are hopeless, you know that don't you?"

"I know", Arizona said. "But you admit, you like it."

"Well, unfortunately I can't argue with you on that one."

"I'm glad. Cause we have been arguing a lot these last couple of days." Arizona stated. "And I know I'm kind of busy today so I was thinking that if you do want to have breakfast with me tomorrow maybe we could talk about how we're going to do this 'homework' Dr Wyatt gave us."

Callie was surprised that Arizona meant serious business with this whole thing. Not that she wasn't sure that Arizona had meant what she'd said about wanting to solve things between them but by the fact that she knew that the blonde still was hurt by the thing with Mark. To Callie that meant that she knew that they had to talk about that…again. And what was a better place to do it at then Starbuck's? They weren't going to scream and fight, just talk and listening to each other anyway.

"Just to be clear", the brunette said easily. "We're not going to make a scene at Starbuck's then? Just talking. No screaming and God forbid, absolutely no sex!"

Arizona giggled.

"Just talk. No screaming and the sex are completely out of the question. So I've been told anyway. But I should warn you. I tend to struggle hard to resist things that are forbidden…"

"Again", Callie said and smiled. "You are hopeless. Go to your tiny humans now and then I'll see you tomorrow."

Maybe it was an old habit now that they seemed to be back on track with one another again but suddenly they had leaned in to each other and were just about to peck each other's lips to say goodbye but then they remembered Dr Wyatt's 'homework' that said no touching or kissing and stopped their movements.

"This is NOT going to be easy", Arizona pouted.

"Well, how do you feel about that?" Callie said teasingly.

"I feel like right now I really want to kiss you. And just because I'm not allowed to I want to soooo badly…"