Coffee, Christmas songs playing in the background and the only company I've got at the moment is my MacBook Pro. Life is good!

And I don't mean to brag or something but I really have to say that I'm VERY satisfied with how this chapter turned out ;)

CHAPTER 21

I've made up my mind

No need to think it over

If I'm wrong I ain't right

No need to look no further

This isn't lust

This is love but

If I tell the world

I'll never say enough

Cause it was not said to you

And that's exactly what I need to do

If I'm in love with you

My dearest Calliope,

I remember when I was young. At that time I thought nothing in this world could do harm and do me wrong. I thought that I was invincible. My whole life was in front of me and the future was restored with my own plans and expectations. Like that I wanted to find the one. The one for me. The right one.

As years passed me by I came to the conclusion that it was not as simple as I thought it would be. It's not until now I've figured it all out. Cause the plans I had, they were just plans. And the expectations I had, were just expectations. Nothing more, nothing less. I don't really know when everything changed but somewhere a long the way I stopped looking forward. Instead I've been putting all my energy in my past. The question that keeps repeating in my head right now is: Have I done the best of what life has been giving me?

I'm not so sure about that. Not right now at least. And everything I've ever wanted is that everything in the end should have mattered.

All my Love,

A

Callie was tired. All she could think of was to get some sleep. It had been a rough weekend at Seattle Grace Mercy West. Still she wasn't allowed to go home since she was on-call until the next morning. Sunday evenings at the hospital was completely unpredictable and on the weekends they didn't perform surgeries if they were not urgent. But at the ER it had been a full show since she started her shift yesterday morning. Arizona, herself and Owen Hunt had been busy. Car accidents, heart attacks and several broken bones to take care of. For almost 36 hours straight she had been on her feet without any chance taking a break. Arizona have had a moment of stillness at the PED's department and Callie knew that the blonde was taking a nap in one of the on-call rooms to restore her power to get trough the night. Owen had ordered Callie to do the same since it was slowing down and he could control it himself.

Carefully not to wake the blonde she stepped inside the on-call room she had seen Arizona sneaked in to earlier that night. Arizona was sleeping on her back, on of her arms lying down along her right side and the other hand was placed above her head. Slow, peaceful breathing was all Callie could hear. She took a moment just watching Arizona. The blonde's hair was all tousled and her mouth slightly opened. The one thing Callie was sure of in that exact moment was that she never had seen something more beautiful. She made her way with silent steps and kneeled beside the bed and couldn't help herself when she reached her girlfriend. She placed one of her hands and cupped the blonde's face, letting her fingers give the blonde's soft skin tender strokes.

Arizona frowned in her sleep and Callie couldn't hold herself together and let out a small but soft laugh. The blonde slowly opened her eyes and met Callie's with a sleepy and slightly confused expression. She stretched slowly and yawned before she smiled brightly when she realized what this wake up-call was all about.

"Hey there sleepyhead", Callie whispered. "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

"I don't mind", Arizona whispered back. "Not at all."

Callie was still caressing the blonde's face tenderly and suddenly the atmosphere in the room changed. Arizona's eyes searched the brunette's starting off with a tender look but were soon progressing fast in to a look of pure passion. The blonde's breathing got heavier and Callie could feel small puffs of warmth on her fingers when she let one of her fingers move from Arizona's cheek down to her lips touching her way around them making a small pattern. Callie felt Arizona exhale sharply and at the same time pressing herself down to the mattress while her fingers held tightly on to the bed's sheet. Callie could see that Arizona's knuckles were shading in to white like she was doing everything to not just lose the control completely. Callie had goose bumps and the fire in her body was about to break out any second now. This was a dangerous move to make and she knew it. But seeing the blonde all newly wake in front of her at the bed was too much. Arizona felt it as her body was doing it all by itself when she lifted one of her hands behind Callie's head and pulled the brunette closer to her.

Callie had never experienced something like this in her entire life. They weren't even kissing barely touching but still it felt like she was about to come right there and right now. They were leaning against each other's foreheads with lips dangerously close to kissing but didn't and at the same time feeling each other's warm heavy breaths against their lips while eyes were tightly closed. Arizona started to move her head a little from side to side just as she was trying to ease her burning want to just kiss the brunette.

Suddenly a pager went off with a terrible noise making them jump apart, almost as if they were scared to get caught doing something very forbidden. It took them both a couple of seconds to actually understand what it was that had broken the moment between them.

"It's mine", Arizona declared with a sigh of disappointment. "911 at PED's. I've got to go."

The blonde was on her feet the next second and Callie moved away from the bed to make room for the PED surgeon.

"I'll see you later", Arizona said softly while putting on her lab coat.

Callie nodded and gave the blonde a small smile before Arizona was out the door. The brunette sighed and dropped herself to the bed on her back. Trying to get herself together after the intense moment with Arizona she stared up the ceiling and closed her eyes. They have had intense and really amazing sex in the past, the most passionate make outs had taking place but if Callie thought she had been in heaven before she now knew how wrong she had been. Just by being this close to the blonde in the moment they just had shared and had made her feelings working at levels she never knew was possible. Callie grunted in frustration and turned in the bed. She shook her head slightly and decided to focus on get some well-needed sleep for a couple of hours. Arizona Robbins was definitely getting to her in ways she didn't know how to handle right now…

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Arizona had been doing her best to shake off all her thoughts involving Callie all night. That 'thing' in the on-call room was definitely a new experience to the blonde. She had never been so…close without actual sex before.

"What are you thinking about?" Alex Karev asked looking curiously at the blonde attending who had a dreamy expression in her face.

"N-N-othing special", she said and tried not to blush but failed almost immediately.

Alex Karev raised his eyebrows with a look full of doubt.

"Yeah? You sure do not look like you were thinking of 'nothing special' to me."

"Shut it Karev", Arizona said and tried to regain his respect for her, which she could see, was not working anytime soon. "We have morning rounds to do and then I've got a couple of hours off. After lunch we have that meeting with Chief Webber in the conference room, which if I'm not mistaken, you also have to attend to. So let's get this over with."

"Whatever you say Dr Robbins", he said and smiled teasingly at her with a playful twinkle in his eyes. "But whatever you were thinking it sure looks like it's something NICE going through your lovely mind."

Arizona tried to hide her face again not wanting to show Alex Karev that she was blushing again. She just wanted to get morning rounds done and call this shift to a well wished-for end. After rounds she was going to have breakfast and then Callie and her had their appointment with Dr Wyatt. Arizona had every intention to put a stop to this no kissing, no sex-thing at this upcoming therapy-session. She couldn't take it anymore. She was a grown woman damn it and she could make her own decisions about having sex or not. Especially if it was with her girlfriend. When she couldn't even get her mind of kissing or having sex with her girlfriend when she was working, letting her residents see that she was thinking about things that were making her blush like a little girl, she knew it was time to stop this nonsense. Arizona was determined on the fact that when this day was over she was going to have all her needs fulfilled.

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"So, tell me about this past week", Dr Wyatt questioned. "Do you think you have made progress in your relationship with each other?"

Callie and Arizona exchanged a quick look and smiled widely where they sat next to each other in the couch in Dr Wyatt's office. After their 48 hours shift had ended they had eaten breakfast in the cafeteria with Teddy before they had headed over to see Dr Wyatt.

"Absolutely", Arizona stated.

"Definitely", Callie confirmed backing up Arizona's word.

Dr Wyatt gave them both a smile with appreciation and leaned back in her chair.

"Callie, would you like to tell me what you think has been better between you two?"

"Well", Callie started. "We have been associating with each other in ways that we've never been before. And the talking, it has been really good. We have straightened things out and we have dared to talk about really uncomfortable things and that has been really nice afterwards."

"And Arizona, do you agree with Callie?"

"Yes", the blonde answered simply. "I feel more relaxed and she's right, we have been talking about things we've never dreamt of doing before all this happened. I feel…closer to Calliope now. I mean, even though I'm sure we still have a long way to go with trust and before we can make the decisions about, for example moving in together again, I feel like for the first time that we are in the same level."

Callie nodded cautiously when the blonde spoke.

"You're nodding Callie", Dr Wyatt stated. "Does that mean you agree? Maybe we should talk about this trust issue then? Why is that still a problem if things are going so great?"

"I agree with her", Callie said hesitantly. "I mean, we have hurt each other and we both agree to the fact that we're both to blame for this mess. But still, I can understand that it's hard for Arizona to trust me completely. Since I slept with a man when she was away…"

"Have you assured her that it's not going to happen again?" Dr Wyatt asked. "I mean, have you said it out loud to her?"

Callie blinked as she was caught a little off guard not expecting that question coming.

"I've told her I'm sorry. But when you put it that way…then the answer is no."

"Would you say that hearing Callie say that it's never going to happen again will make you even more comfortable with the thought of her apologize regarding that she has slept with someone else?" Dr Wyatt questioned and looked firmly at Arizona.

"I-I don't know", the blonde said weakly. "When we talked about it and she said she was sorry it felt nice. The thing is that I've never been the insecure part in a relationship before. But with Calliope I've always felt a little insecure. Maybe it is because of the fact that I can honestly say that I'm in love with her. Like for real. It's like I've been walking around with constant fear of her leaving me for someone else. I mean, if something feels this wonderful, then why would this feeling stay with me forever? What have I possible done in my life to deserve her? And when I come to think about it I'm sure I've been hiding it quite well and instead I've been featured myself as a little hostile in the past. It's scary to be vulnerable."

Callie was yet again stunned by Arizona's confessions. She had always been so sure of that she was the one who had been the insecure one in their relationship. Arizona had always seemed so strong and stabile.

"Care to tell us what you're thinking when you hear Arizona saying that?" Dr Wyatt said and turned her head to Callie.

"Uuum…I must say that I'm surprised", Callie admitted. "I've always felt like I'm the one who has been carrying the insecurity around.

The brunette turned to Arizona and took one of the blonde's hands in her own and squeezed it in comfort before she continued talking.

"I love you. I've never loved or been this in love with someone before in my entire life. I thought I lost you and my heart was broken, shattered in to a million pieces and I didn't have a clue how to get the pieces back together. My insecurity has always been cured, or so at least I've thought, by being close to someone. That has usually meant by having sex with this someone. When you left I felt like, for the first time in my life, that I had lost something that I couldn't possibly find ever again. I didn't want to live anymore cause I had been so sure of that you had been the meaning of my life. So, when I didn't have you I tried to heal. With Mark's help. But it didn't work. It just made me miss you even more and also it was making me sad. So I put a stop to it before you even got back. I know it's only words Arizona but please believe me when I say that I would never, ever cheat on you. Never."

Callie's eyes were firmly connected with the blonde's through all of her speech and Arizona's eyes were glimmering with tears she was trying to hold back.

"I love you to", the blonde managed to get out. "I really, really do. And when I think that I can't possibly love you more than what I already do…you say or do something that proves me wrong."

Dr Wyatt looked pleased with the progress of the session and leaned in to give Arizona some tissues to dry off her tears with.

Arizona looked thankfully at the psychologist while she dried her eyes.

"Look at me", she said and laughed. "Here I am, crying like a little girl."

Callie put her arm around her girlfriends shoulder and gave her a light hug.

"So Dr Wyatt, what is your judgment considering today's session? the brunette joked in an attempt to make the atmosphere a bit lighter. "Am I allowed to kiss my girlfriend now?"

Arizona giggled and gave Callie a playful wink with her now sparkling baby blue eyes.

"I don't know", Dr Wyatt said firmly. "What do you think yourselves?"

Arizona and Callie looked at the psychologist with doubt in their eyes.

"Y-You mean that we can decide for ourselves if we can be physical with each other again?" Arizona questioned.

"Yes girls", Dr Wyatt answered. "That is EXACTLY what I'm saying."