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When I reached my 15th year, I let myself feel comfortable. Maybe this was a mistake. I went into that year's Reaping without a single panic attack. Maybe love blinded me. Maybe, I thought, I will outlast the Reapings. Maybe I will make it through another three years unscathed.

Of course, you know how wrong I was.

Son, I haven't offered this part for Katniss's book, because it was too painful. It still is. But you deserve to know what happened. You deserve to know why your mother sometimes wasn't "all there". And please forgive me if I ever left you alone in those moments. Please know I never wanted you to be frightened, or sad, or confused. Bad things happen to people and people cope in different ways. I tried to be better, for you. No, no. I AM better, because of you. Though the scars remain, know that you are the one who healed me, my sweet child.

I was 15. No one volunteered for me among the girls; they all glared at me that day. Some smirked. I couldn't think beyond my shock and panic, but now I know those girls were jealous of me. They wanted me to be up there, because I had Finnick.

The worst part was still to come.

My knees shook so badly when I walked up the stairs, I tripped and fell. Sweat broke out all over my body. I felt sick, faint. Finnick's eyes were the only thing keeping me steady. The male tribute was called. The name was on my lips as I finally collapsed. When I came to, we were already on the train. Shad held my hand. I asked for Mother. He couldn't speak, I remember, could only hand me her necklace, my necklace that I'd made for her. I cried, knowing for sure I'd never see her again.

The rest, the training, the test, the interviews and ceremonies, all that is a blur for me. I was only half in my mind. Everyone was underestimating me. But Shad was a target because he was big and strong and had fighting experience. And they all knew he wouldn't leave me.

Finnick was there as much as he could be to mentor us. It didn't make me jealous to see him with his Capitol admirers. Even in my fear and hate, I pitied them more than I could ever envy them. Mags was always with me, though. She really was a very special lady. She talked to us about survival techniques the most. She felt our best way was to outlast the others. I didn't dare ask what to do if it came down to Shad and I. I didn't dare.

I had nightmares in the Capitol. Shad would always come running to save me. Finnick, too, when he was able to spend the nights with us. I felt myself losing control, and the Games hadn't even begun. I wondered what it was doing to my mother; she had been ill at the time of the Reaping.

When we parted, Finnick's kiss was enough to let me escape, just for a precious moment. Absurdly, I might have felt stronger after it. He assured me I had courage, I had strength, I had passion for life. I didn't know what he was saying. I don't know what he said to Shad. I didn't want to know.

I'm sorry. I don't remember anything when the countdown ended. I just know that somehow Shad and I got away cleanly. I've never run so fast in my life. We scavenged for three days, holing up in a cave. Shad was spotted by the two tributes from District 5 and the male tribute from 8. He came back to tell me, said he was going to lead them away and I was to stay hidden. There was no time for goodbye.

I think madness had already taken hold of me. I couldn't watch him leave like that. I was so frightened. I picked up a heavy limb and followed the sounds of their retreat. It took every atom in my being not to scream when I felt my heart torn out of my chest.

When it was over, I stayed hidden. The others went off, not knowing where I was. I don't know how long I lay there. Maybe days. I wasn't even that well hidden. Anyone could have found me and killed me, too. I was in danger of starvation when sponsor food saved me. Finnick, of course. It kept me alive for five more relentless days.

That's when the arena was flooded. The memories are getting hard to summon. I was washed into the vicinity of three other tributes, I don't know which ones. One, a girl, maybe the youngest tribute, was near me struggling to keep her head up. I instinctively tried to save her. She had blond hair. She went under more than once until finally she never came back up. I saw the others drown.

It was so violent, the water. After awhile, it calmed. I was so exhausted. I swam. I floated on my back. I tread the water around me, screaming in my head when my voice had long ran hoarse and soundless. Long into the night until eight images hung above me, the last of the tributes.

I guess I did have some mettle, after all.

But I could feel my mind already slipping away.