CHAPTER 14
When he got to the motel, Bobby went to Sam and Dean's room and knocked quietly. Dean opened the door.
"How's Sam?" Bobby asked tightly.
Without saying a word, Dean opened the door wider, indicating that Bobby should enter.
When Bobby came in, he saw Sam lying spread eagled on the bed farthest from the door. The fumes coming off him were an indication of what had he been doing.
Dean rubbed the back of his neck, "He started drinking as soon as we got here. I, uh, I tried to get him to eat something, but he wouldn't. He started cursing Chuck and God and, uh, Castiel got a bit upset about that. Next thing I know Sam is unconscious on the bed and Cas blinked out right after. He never did tell me what he's been doing."
"Chuck told us there was more to the story and that Sam would understand everything after that," Bobby replied.
"Yeah well, I have questions, too. Did he say how to contact him?"
"Just pray, he'll hear ya."
Dean gave Bobby a disgruntled look and then bowed his head. "Uh, Chuck?" He looked up at Bobby. "Jeesh, I feel like an idiot. What kind of an alias is 'Chuck' anyway?"
Just then, Chuck appeared on the other side of the room. "I was going to listen and see what you had to say, but then decided to take pity on you." He was smiling gently. He looked over at Sam, "I heard him earlier; can't say I blame him, either."
He moved over to Sam and ran his hand over Sam's head. "He won't suffer in the morning." Sam remained unconscious, but he rolled over on his side and Dean hoped he was still sleeping, but he doubted it.
Chuck looked at Dean. "Have you ever forgiven him?"
Dean knew what Chuck was referring to and he looked at the ground, "No, not really."
"Oh, Dean, don't you get it?" Chuck sighed. "He chose the one who hadn't left him."
Dean looked at Chuck like he was insane, anger tinting his expression. "I didn't…."
"Yes you did," Chuck was looking intensely at Dean. "Your father left him andyou – all the time – and then, finally, you did. Put yourself in his position!"
"He left a couple of times, too!"
"Well, John taught him how to do it."
Dean gnashed his teeth together, annoyed. Chuck folded his arms, letting out a long breath. "Listen…as far as Sam was concerned, Ruby was the only one who didn't desert him, who didn't give him ultimatums or orders, who didn't demand he fall in line. All he knew was that Ruby fought her way back from hell just to get to him – to help him. To this day, despite why she did it, he knows that she saved his life and his sanity."
Bobby cleared his throat. "I didn't leave him. I tried to help him as much as I could. He wouldn't let me."
Chuck looked at him. "Bobby, he couldn't face you. And then Ruby had her hooks in him. She was literally feeding him his need for vengeance."
He sighed and turned back to Dean, "Did he ever tell you what happened that Wednesday in Broward County?"
"What? What's that got to do with anything?" Dean looked at Chuck and saw in his face that it was important. He paused in thought, "We got up, he, uh, hugged me… he wouldn't let me get breakfast or leave the room without him. He looked upset and told me he'd had a bad dream."
Chuck shook his head, "It wasn't a dream… If Gabriel wasn't already dead, he'd pay for what he did to Sam."
"What'd he do to Sam?" Dean growled.
"He tortured Sam for 100 days, and then Gabriel showed him what life would be like after you died.
"What the hell do you mean?"
"Dean, you didn't escape Hell once; you escaped twice. You died in a mugging on Wednesday morning and for 6 months Sam hunted alone. Sam knew exactly what his life would become when your year was up."
"Why don't I remember that?"
"Sam remembers; Gabriel reset time. He was ridiculously powerful. He had way too much actually."
Dean looked at him. "Was what happened to Sam my fault then?"
"No." Chuck took a breath. "No, it wasn't your fault. You don't want to know whose fault I think it was."
"You blame Dad." Sam had been awake ever since Chuck touched him, he heard that Dean hadn't forgiven him, even now, and he heard Chuck's defense. He'd never intended to tell Dean about that Wednesday, though.
Chuck turned to him.
"Your dad made leaving look easy. Maybe it caused him some sleepless nights, but he would do it anyway. He made you feel like leaving you was a simple thing; natural, even. He taught you how." He looked at Sam and then Dean and sighed. "Yeah, you guys are always leaving each other. Whether you want to or not. It needs to stop, because if you can't stop leaving each other, you'll never learn to stay…" He took a deep breath, "Look, there's someone waiting for you, both of you. You have to make yourselves ready for them. They deserve it. And it will be worth it." He waved his hand between them, "As for this co-dependency crap, that's on John, too."
"Did you know that Lily has never told Sam he's in charge of taking care of Dean?" Chuck asked. "She knows that taking care of Dean is her job. She never put that on him because she knew if something happened to Dean on Sam's watch, the guilt would kill him." He pointed to Dean, "Like it killed you."
Sam was looking at Chuck. "Is Dad in Heaven?"
Chuck shook his head. "No, but he's not in Hell, either."
Sam narrowed his eyes. "What? He's…where, in Purgatory?"
Chuck nodded.
Dean looked devastated. "Is Mom in Heaven?"
"Oh, yeah," Chuck said with a smile. "You visited her there. The first time you saw her, not the second. The second time you saw her was an illusion of Zachariah's, as were all of Sam's illusions of Heaven."
"That wasn't an illusion of my Heaven?" Dean asked, wide-eyed.
"Joshua put you in her Heaven so you could see her."
"She ignored Sam!" Dean snapped.
"And she didn't see you as an adult! She saw a little boy and in her reality, Sam was down for a nap. We didn't want her to see two adult sons. She would have been devastated to know that you were really there. It didn't serve any purpose for her to know you were dead, since you were going to go right back."
"What do you mean about my Heaven?" asked Sam.
"Zachariah put you in several of your memories, but they would never have been your heaven. If anything, your heaven would appear to be a lot like Dean's."
Dean looked at Sam uncomfortably. "Dude…I'm…I'm sorry. You said that you couldn't control them and…I got pissed anyway. I didn't really believe you," he muttered.
Sam looked at Dean, but then looked at Chuck without acknowledging what Dean said.
"Who is Joshua?" Sam asked.
"He's way more powerful than he lets on," Chuck answered. "You saw Zachariah; when he realized who he was talking to, he got out of there fast."
"If he's so powerful, why didn't he stop all of that?"
"He was asked not to."
"By who?"
"Michael." Chuck took a deep breath and changed the subject. He looked at Dean. "Look, there's something else. Something Sam hasn't forgiven you for." Chuck turned to Sam, "Do you still have the cell phone you were carrying the night you killed Lilith?"
Sam looked at him and considered lying. Then he sighed, "Yeah." He got up and pulled an old cell phone out of his bag and handed it to Chuck.
Chuck passed it on to Dean and said, "There's a really old message on there and you need to hear it."
As Dean was getting the message off the phone, Chuck continued. "When you were being held in the Beautiful Room that night, you called Sam and left a message. Do you remember what you said?" Dean looked at him and nodded. "Then listen to what Sam heard."
Dean listened to the message. His eyes narrowed in confusion, then widened in comprehension. His expression turned devastated as what sounded like his own voice rang harshly in his ear, staring at Sam, who refused to meet his brother's gaze. Once the message ended, Dean wordlessly lowered the phone from his ear, pressing the button to end the call. "I didn't…." He cleared his throat. "I didn't say any of that. I didn't…Sam, I apologized," Dean whispered, drawing his brother's confused gaze. "I apologized for that ultimatum. I told you we were still family."
"I was having second thoughts," Sam murmured. "I hadn't listened to the message because I was afraid of what it would say." He stared at his brother. "I, uh, I knew you were angry, but just before I, uh, prepared…for Lilith, I listened to it. After what I heard…I went through with it." The rest of what he was thinking went unspoken, but Dean knew what he was thinking. That message was what pushed him over the edge. That message could've kept him from making the choices he made.
"Zachariah," Chuck spoke suddenly. "He changed it."
Dean's gaze darted to Chuck. "He…." Anger slid into his veins, his breaths coming quickly as his eyes slid around, realizing what that meant, and his grip on the cell phone tightened, the plastic cracking from the strain, before he suddenly spun and smashed it against the wall. "That son of a bitch," he barked. "I swear to…I swear I wish he was here so I could gank his ass all over again!" Dean growled, his furious gaze glaring at Chuck.
"Dean, Sam, you've both got guilt and anger holding you back and you've got to get rid of it. Others, humans, demons and angels, have been manipulating you both from the get-go. You have to acknowledge that and forgive each other. Most of it hasn't been any of your doing."
Sam and Dean considered what Chuck was saying, but Sam needed to get back to the original issue. There would be time later to hash out the other stuff. He wasn't ready for that conversation, anyway. Dean remained silent, his fists clenching and unclenching, staring at the ground.
"How long has Dad been in Purgatory?" Sam asked. "Does time move differently there, too?"
"He was sent there after he escaped from Hell, when the Devil's Gate was opened by Jake," Chuck answered. "And yes, he's been there for about five year's earth time so about 500 years, give or take. Dean, you spent forty years in Hell, Sam you were there 180 years. Neither of you deserved it, not really. Although making deals with demons…well that usually earns you a permanent place there, we tend to frown on it. John Winchester made a deal with a demon and spent 100 years in Hell for it." He turned and looked at Dean. "Getting out doesn't give you a ticket upstairs. It means that you should spend time in Purgatory. You three are the only ones who have ever come back from Hell. Well, Adam, too. We actually had to create new rules for you. Because of your special circumstances, God granted both of you salvation; but not John."
"Adam isn't in the cage anymore, either?" Dean sounded relieved. "Who got him out?"
"I sent a couple of angels down to get him. He was given a choice, to stay alive on earth, live out his live, maybe join his brothers, or return to Heaven. He chose to return to Heaven." Saddened, Sam and Dean nodded slowly.
Chuck looked up and then turned and looked at Sam. He was suddenly very serious. "John has earned his time in Purgatory, but you tell me; is it long enough? Do you think he should be moved to Heaven? Has he earned Heaven?"
Dean's heavy gaze locked on Chuck. "Our dad spent a lot of years hunting. You know how many people he saved," Dean whispered.
"I acknowledge that, but considering the way you were raised, the fact that John Winchester raised you like that…well he took away your childhood, he put burdens on you, Dean, no father should."
"So say it, Dean. Does your father deserve Heaven? Sam?"
In unison, Sam and Dean replied, "Yes."
Chuck paused. "You've forgiven him, then? For all he's done?"
Again in unison, Sam and Dean replied, almost angrily, "Yes."
Chuck paused again, for longer this time, "Alright, then."
Dean looked at him suspiciously. "What do you mean…alright, then? Were you just playing us?"
Chuck smiled at him once again. "No. I was trying him. I took the opportunity."
"I'm sorry?" Dean asked, shaking his head, confused.
"He heard that. Every word. He was awaiting final sentence. He needed forgiveness from you boys first," Chuck explained softly. Sam and Dean stared at him for a moment, stunned and speechless.
Chuck looked at Bobby who had been sitting quietly watching them. "Bobby can answer some of your questions. You boys should eat something. Sam, you should especially." He moved over to Sam and touched him on the shoulder. "You should eat something and then sleep. You will feel better in the morning." He also touched Bobby and then Dean. "You all should."
In the next moment he was gone.