XIII
Left to myself, my recovery improved. Being alone didn't bother me so much. After all, I was a loner by nature. Yet, I still craved and longed for Finnick's reassuring presence. When he couldn't be with me, though, I had the sea. I felt that as long as I had one or the other, I was OK. It was when I was denied both that I struggled.
Eventually, with my Victory earnings and some of Finnick's, we built this house so I could live on the beach again. I started leaving one window open, rain or shine, so I could hear the water. You would think that water might be a trigger for me now. But it wasn't. Water, the sea, is part of me. It's my blood.
No, water wasn't a bad thing. Aside from my old house, I couldn't say what triggered my trauma. It could be a word or a look. It could be a sound or a color. It could be anything, really.
But I had Calm Moments, which came more frequently as the months passed. Once, during a Calm Moment about a year after my failed Tour, I asked Finnick why he stayed with me, a "poor mad girl" who no one spoke to yet everyone pitied. He might have been happy with any shimmery thing in the Capitol. He might have been happy with any carefree girl here at home. You see, I didn't want to be what held him back from someone else. Someone normal.
I found out later what it was Finnick had said to Shad that day:
'Yes.'
Because it was Shad who had asked of Finnick:
'Will you keep her safe for me? Will you see her through this, now and after?'
Finnick thought it was always Shad's ultimate plan, to die so that I might live. Or, at the very least, so we wouldn't be forced to kill one another. I was afraid Finnick felt honor-bound to me.
I remember he just smiled, and to look at him, then, you would think he'd no lasting signs of damage. It was a talent of his. It was a talent and a skill that had kept him well-placed in the Capitol and, therefore, alive.
He said my name softly, like a summer wind. 'Annie,' he said, 'you're just as sane as I am and no one can tell me different. At heart, we are the same: hurt but not broken. I stay with you not out of guilt or because I made a promise. I stay with you because I love you. I always have. Annie, I loved you before, I love you after, and I love you now.'
But why? The question hung between us in the salty air. It's not that I held myself in such low esteem. I just needed to hear it.
Again, he smiled. 'Because we are connected so many times over, we should be in knots. Because you are my oldest friend, the only one I trust with my secrets, my fears. Because you kept the demons at bay, and you kept me alive. Because you give me hope. Because you're never more beautiful than when you are kind, and you're kind all the time. Because, after everything that's happened to you, you are still pure and good. Because you make me laugh, something I thought I would never do again. And you make me think anything is possible. Because maybe I'm a little mad, too.'
The last said with the most beautiful smile yet.
Before, Finnick used to say I could have had any man in the world; it made me scoff, for no boy but him had ever given me a second glance. In that Moment, I fully understood: after all this time and through all the torture, he could still marvel at and be humbled by the fact that he was the one I'd chosen to hold my beating heart.
And to mend it.