9. Unforseen Proposal

Oh Frog, how she wished she was back in Amphibia – where all her problems had been more or less life-threatening, but usually straightforward. Certain complicated schemes of betrayal notwithstanding. Right now she was still functional enough to not be fired, but she had spent 20 minutes today talking to Sprig. He hadn't been very helpful, except for being cute and make her smile, but her co-workers had been weirded out – oh, she had talked to Sprig before, but in the way someone speaks with a pet, single sentences once in a while. And she didn't know what to do to make this situation any better. If nothing changed she would have to take a few days off and hope that her head was clearer after whatever she'd use them for. And even if that worked … Sasha and Marcy, the source of her predicament, were still out there. It had been two days since that damn night. They hadn't contacted her. She hadn't contacted them. She knew doing nothing wouldn't solve the situation. But she couldn't imagine anything that WOULD.

She stood up and got off the bus. She didn't trust herself with a steering wheel in her hands at the moment. It wasn't far to her parent's house. She walked there mechanically. They were worried about her, she knew, but she hadn't told them anything yet. What would she even have said? "Hey mom, dad, me and Sash cheated on Marcy. I need a few days to get over it, okay? Thanks!" Yeah, no. She would have to tell them eventually, but at the moment she treasured these moments when she could just function mechanically and not think about anything.

"How was your day, honey?" her mother's voice greeted her as soon as she opened the door.

"It was okay, mom," she said listlessly while putting away her shoes. She didn't even want to shower right now, all she wanted was to go into her room and lie on her bed, staring at the ceiling. Maybe even pray to the Guardian to … wait, DID people even pray to the Guardian? Would she receive prayers too once …? Ugh, another thing she didn't want to think about right now. "I'm not hungry. I'll just go to my room, okay?"

"Okay, dear," her mother agreed. "You do have a visitor however."

THAT woke her up again! "What? Who?"

"Marcy." Her mother's head appeared in the door to the kitchen and she looked at her daughter puzzled. "She asked me to tell you that she is not mad at you. Why would she be mad at you?"

Anne groaned. "That's … complicated, mom." She thought about just walking out again and waiting for Marcy to leave … but if she was here chances were good that she WOULDN'T leave before talking to her. Besides … all of this mess was pretty much her fault. Whatever Marcy wanted to tell her, she should at least be woman enough to listen. "I'll go upstairs. It … might get loud."

Oum raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. Anne knew that her mom would be patient … but eventually there WOULD be questions. Oh well. IF she was able to survive Marcy's wrath, answering her mom's questions would be a piece of cake, Anne thought dryly. She went upstairs. Standing in front of her door the urge to run was very strong, but she grabbed the doorknob anyway. She had fought a robot army once. This was nothing. Or so she told herself. She opened the door.

"Hello Anne," Marcy greeted her. Her … friend (was she still her friend?) was sitting on Anne's bed. It seemed like she had waited for a while because she had been reading a book, which she now put in her bag. She looked … pretty composed, all things considered. Maybe things between her and Sasha hadn't turned out that … no! Anne shook her head. There was no reason to grasp for straws.

However Anne didn't look at her for long. Instead she leaned against the door and hung her head. "What exactly do you want to hear, Marcy?" she asked the other woman. Her own voice sounded lethargic in her ears.

"Well … an apology WOULD be nice," Marcy noted. "But I actually came here for a different reason."

Anne looked up, surprised. Something different. "And why …?" She stopped when Marcy looked at her pointedly. Ah, yes. She closed her eyes and swallowed. "I'm … I'm sorry, Marcy. I don't know what exactly Sasha told you, but … I have no excuse. It was me who started the kiss, she just reacted. If you want to blame anyone, you should blame me."

She heard a short laughter. She opened her eyes and stared at Marcy in surprise. Yes, she was still smiling. A melancholic smile, but nonetheless. "I'm sorry, but that's REALLY funny," Marcy stated, still snickering. "That's nearly EXACTLY the same thing Sasha said … of course swearing that it was HER fault, but still ..."

"What? She's lying!" Anne exclaimed, pointing at herself. "It was ME who ..."

"I know that, Anne," Marcy interrupted her, shifting to relax her muscles. "She told me it was you. But she still was willing to take the fall for you. She actually begged me not to blame you."

Anne was lost. That didn't make any sense! "Why would she DO that?"

Marcy rolled her eyes. "Because she LOVES you, you moron!" she explained.

Anne blinked. Then she shook her head. That idiotic … "No! No! She doesn't! She SHOULDN'T …" She grunted and balled her fists. "Why does she have to be so … so … honorable?" She spat out that last word. If Sasha had been with them right now, she would have hit her.

"Yeeeah, that made the conversation with her a bit comedic," Marcy agreed. "As in dark comedy."

That reminded Anne. She suddenly was nervous. "Are you … I mean …"

Marcy studied her face for a moment. Then she nodded. "Yes, we are still together. For now."

"You … you have forgiven her?"

This time it was Marcy who was evading her gaze. A shadow of pain appeared on her face. "Not entirely. It hurt, Anne. It really hurt." Anne winced. "Nor will I ever forget. But … in the end we found common ground, yes. We both want to try to save this relationship."

Sting.

Anne couldn't believe it. After all they had … Marcy would just for...? "How can you DO that?" she nearly shouted. Why the hell did she shout? Did she WANT them to break up? … Did she? "We BETRAYED you, Marcy!"

"Like I betrayed you before Amphibia?" Anne fell silent when Marcy locked eyes with her again … and this time there was steel in Marcy's gaze. "When I endangered your lives? And don't tell me that's different, because I SAW how hurt you were!" Suddenly Marcy's voice became gentle again. "And … you forgave us. Dammit Anne, I wasn't mad when I came here. Why do you WANT me to be mad at you?"

"Because I deserve it!" Why didn't Marcy understand? This was why she had dreaded this conversation – because Marcy would yell at her, maybe hit her and end their friendship. It was the only thing that made sense! "I don't know what Sasha told you, but we didn't just kiss, we made out! And … if we hadn't remembered, we might have gone farther than that ..." Her voice had become more and more silent, with the last word barely understandable. All the shame hit her again at once. Here was Marcy, the one she and Sasha had cheated on – and she said she WASN'T mad at her! This wasn't right!

She heard Marcy's footsteps before she felt her friend's soft hands on her checks. Tears were running down Marcy's face, and her voice sounded frail. "I want my friend back, Anne," she told her. "The one who lent me a hand in building a sandcastle 20 years ago when no one else would. I want us … to stop hurting each other."

"Marcy … I ..." She couldn't hold it back anymore, she started sobbing. Her hands grabbed Marcy's arms, fearing that she'd fall apart without holding onto something. "I'm so sorry ..." Marcy pulled Anne's face to her shoulder gently and held it there, letting her cry. Then she guided her back to the bed and sat both of them down, although Anne didn't really realize it. All she could focus on was washing away some of the enormous hoard of guilt and pain inside of her. And Marcy let her, softly caressing Anne's hair. She didn't know how many minutes it lasted, but she DID feel better when she finally leaned back again, trying to regain control again without provoking more sobs. Marcy quickly grabbed her hands, so that she couldn't just stand up and put distance between them again. Had she actually intended to do that? … Maybe. If she was honest, she still wasn't fully convinced that all of this would turn out well at the end. Too much had happened between the three of them in the last months.

"Anne … may I ask you a question?"

"Of course, Marcy," Anne whispered. She was still amazed how they had arrived here from shouting at each other just a few minutes ago. "Anything."

"Please be honest," her friend begged her, with a serious expression on her face that was very untypical of the quirky Asian. "Before this happened, Anne … did you feel left out? By me and Sasha becoming a couple and you just being our friend?"

"What? No, no, Marcy, that's not it." Yet she couldn't bear looking at Marcy and instead focused on their joined hands. "Despite what I did … I like you two together. You complement each other so well ..."

"I think you're lying, Anne," Marcy accused her, but there wasn't a shred of anger in her voice. "Let me reformulate the question: Were you happier before our dinner, with me and Sasha being together … or after Amphibia, when our friendship was in equilibrium? The truth, Anne. Please!"

Anne sighed. She wanted to lie again. Wanted to pretend being happy. She had done it so often before, it was nearly a reflex. But Marcy knew her. She would see right through it. "Back then," she admitted, still not looking at her friend. "It was the happiest time of my life, even though we knew you'd move away. Even happier than my time with the Plantars or when we were kids. We were just ..."

"Equal?" Marcy helped her out. "No manipulation, no trust issues anymore, just honesty and a strong understanding between each of us?"

"Yeah." She looked into Marcy's eyes, surprised. "You felt it too?"

Marcy smiled. It wasn't one of her usual, bubbly smiles, but … for lack of a better word, a knowing, grown-up smile. Wise. "Of course, Anne. Why do you think we were all crying when I was finally moving away?" Marcy chuckled. "Do you remember Sasha trying to threaten us to keep calling and writing or she would track us down and kick our asses while she was full-on ugly crying?"

That brought a smile even to Anne's face. "Oh yes," she mumbled, fondly remembering how the blonde had insisted that she was not crying, that Marcy and Anne were crying instead! It had been a wonderfully hilarious touch in a very sad moment. "She looked so silly back then."

"Yes, didn't she?" Marcy paused for a moment, becoming serious again. "I want moments like these back, Anne. I want us to be happy together, even when we are sad. If that makes any sense."

Anne sighed. "Not really, but … I get the meaning. But what do you want us to do, Marcy? You say that you and Sash are together still. And I'm happy for you, really, I am! I've seen both of you suffer so much … you deserve to have found someone who truly understands you, who can make you happy. But well ..." She hesitated for a moment, but there was no more use for secrets between them. "... yes, I admit it. There is this part of me that wants to go back. Back to when you didn't look at me and Sasha differently. When it was us three, not you two plus me. I TRIED to get over it, you must believe me, but no matter how hard I tried … I just couldn't make that part go away. That's why I tried to find excuses to not having to meet you so often anymore lately." She blushed. "That was so dumb … sorry, Marcy."

"No, no, I get it," Marcy said encouragingly. "You know … after Sasha told me I was SO angry … I tried to cut you out of my heart, I tried to hate you … but I just couldn't. Every time I tried, I remembered something … us playing as kids, us laughing at a bad sleepover joke, you saving me from danger as a teen, you and Sasha risking your lives to save me from the Core." She shook her head. "You have been with me nearly since birth, Anne … getting rid of all of this baggage just seems impossible."

"Yeah," Anne mumbled. "But again: What can we do, Marcy? We just can't keep hurting each other because we want something back that's in the past." She looked up and her expression became hard. "And don't even THINK about suggesting that you and Sasha could separate, even temporarily, to patch up our relationship! I've seen how well you two fit together, so don't you DARE making me the reason for a break-up! I'm NOT okay with this!"

Marcy lifted her hands in a defensive gesture. "That's not our intention, Anne, I swear," she promised. "As I said, Sasha and I still have problems … I'm sure I'll feel hurt when looking her occasionally, and she'll probably walk on eggshells around me for a while, but we both want to overcome it." She lowered her hands, a concerned expression returning to her face. "But we want YOU to be happy too, Anne. You are such a big, important part of our lives … I'm not sure if we can save our relationship, if we know it'll hurt you."

"Oh, Marce ..." Anne closed her eyes. "That's not important. You two should focus on yourself, that will be more than enough to fix as you said yourself. Don't worry about me. I'll manage. I'll be fine eventually." She tried to smile, but she didn't think it was good enough to fool Marcy.

And it didn't. "You're a liar, Anne," She accused her. "You may not be miserable anymore after a while, but I KNOW how much fun you had when we went shopping or having a sleepover, unintended confessions aside. I KNOW how much you enjoy bantering with Sasha. I KNOW that you were perfectly happy on your birthday when we surprised you. You'd lose that."

Anne rest her elbows on her legs and buried her face in her hands. "Just … let it go, Marce." She suddenly felt very tired. "Sometimes it's just not possible for everyone to be happy. It's just how it is."

She felt Marcy's hand on her back. Why was there a quiver in her voice. "I refuse to believe that," Marcy said. "I refuse to believe that you have to be unhappy for Sasha and me to be happy. Won't you even TRY to fight for your own happiness, Anne? Didn't you infiltrate the frickin' FBI to save us once? Why won't you do something like that for yourself?"

Anne sighed again. "Marcy … even if we do forgive each other, find some common ground again … I DO love Sasha. I WANT her. I love you too, more than you know, you are my first ever friend, but I just know that I won't be able to control myself around her forever. Things like this just will happen again … until we won't be able to forgive anymore." She paused. "I wish there was still a portal," she admitted. "Or that I really was Azura and could open one to Amphibia. Then I could just go back and … leave all this behind."

"You'd really run away, Anne?" Marcy asked quietly, softly rubbing Anne's back. "That sounds like something I would do, not you. But you know … that's not something Azura would do. Yes, she'd sacrifice herself for her friends. Like you. But she also would fight tooth and nails and try EVERYTHING to keep EVERYBODY happy, including herself."

Anne wished that Marcy would just … stop. She had been wrong, the other woman simply screaming at her might have been less painful than this. She didn't want to continue. Sasha and Marcy wouldn't break up, and they should not, and a part of her would never be able to accept standing on the sidelines. There just was no way out. But she at least could … ignore it, stay away from them, and it wouldn't hurt THAT much. She'd be … okay. But the moisture between her fingers said otherwise.

"Anne … what if there WAS a way for us to be equal again? To be happy together? Would you try it?"

"I told you, Marcy, even if I want to go back to us all just being friends again, I won't accept you and Sash breaking up because of me!" she snapped, getting angry. "Just forget it!"

"That's not what I mean, Anne. We won't break up." The rubbing on her back stopped. "But we DO want all three of us being equal and happy together."

Anne didn't understand. What did that mean? They couldn't be on equal footing as long as Marcy and Sasha were together … and if they couldn't go back to being friends again because they wouldn't break up with each other, then that … would mean … She sat up so fast that her back protested. Her eyes gawking completely bewildered at Marcy's face, who in turn looked … nervous suddenly. No … that wasn't possible, she COULDN'T mean …

"Yes, Anne," her friend confirmed. "I want us to be together. All three of us."

"That's ridiculous!" Anne exclaimed. "Something like that can't work, Marcy!"

"Funny," Marcy retorted. "Sasha said nearly the exact same thing. But in the end she agreed."

Anne stared at her. "You're serious," she concluded, not believing her own voice. "This isn't a joke."

"That would be a very cruel joke, Anne," Marcy noted. She shook her head. "No, I really mean it. I know it sounds … weird. But it WOULD solve all of our problems. We wouldn't be apart. We'd be equal. No one would be hurt."

"And no one else would accept it," Anne argued. "The people ..."

"SOME people don't accept me and Sasha just because we are girls," Marcy countered. "Really, Anne? What's more important? Some hateful comments here and there or us drifting apart again and missing each other terribly?"

"But ..." Anne's mind was searching for anything that would dismantle Marcy's argument, but she was only getting back error messages. This couldn't … it just was … how …?

"Anne, please," Marcy pleaded. She put her hand on Anne's cheek, ignoring Anne wincing at the touch. "Is it that you have doubts that this could work … or are you actually disgusted? Because only one of those is a good reason to immediately dismiss it."

"Marce ..." She couldn't believe she was saying this. She felt light-headed. "For … this … to work … we'd ALL have to love each other."

Marcy nodded.

"I love Sasha," Anne admitted. "And you love each other, obviously. And I love you, but ..."

"... you don't know if it's romantic love, right?" Marcy ended the sentence. "I don't either. But Anne … seeing you happy always makes me feel warm inside. It hurts me when I know you are sad … I have felt like this a lot in the last days. And well …" She blushed. "... you know about my sexual fantasies about you. I don't know if this all is romantic love, or if it can turn into romantic love, but I know one thing." Her gaze intensified. "I know that you are by far the most important person in the world for me, with the exception of Sasha. And I know, without the shadow of a doubt, that if there is just a tiny chance that this could make you happy again … then I would take every risk."

Anne was speechless.

"Sasha would too," Marcy added. "You two have always had this complicated relationship, like a Kitikudere/Undere at first and later more of a Hiyakasudere/Deredere ..." If Anne hadn't been so overwhelmed, she would have rolled her eyes. That was just like Marcy, putting nerd speech into such an important conversation. "... but she confessed to me that she feels the same as you – that she loves me and wants us to stay together, but that she can't stop longing for you. It's a risk, Anne, sure … but if I'm honest, I don't think mine and Sasha's relationship will be a happy one if you vanish from our lives. There would always be … an emptiness, after all that has happened."

Anne was desperately looking for words, but every time she thought of one it slipped from her mind again. She couldn't stop staring at Marcy in disbelief. "Marcy … I-I don't … how … I'm not ..."

Marcy put her second hand on Anne's other cheek. This time she didn't flinch. "Anne … we have had such a strong bond between us. Stronger than between most people. I want to believe it's strong enough to support even something outrageous as polyamory." Ah, Anne registered through the fog in her mind. So that's what it was called. Marcy gave her a crooked smile. "At least I want to believe that's the case. I have loved you as a friend since we played together in the Sandbox, Anne, later I saw you as a very attractive woman … but the mere thought of never seeing you again in the last days was so … appalling … hurtful … unacceptable … I think I may be falling IN love with you already."

Anne's thoughts were crawling so slowly right now, she didn't have a chance to escape the kiss Marcy planted on her lips even though the other woman wasn't moving fast. She distantly registered that this kiss was very different from the one she and Sasha had shared. Her's and Sasha's had been full of longing, desperate need and long-repressed passion, two equally strong sources of heat fueling each other, but this kiss … there was softness. There was unconditional acceptance, maybe love. There was forgiveness, assurance, kindness and more … but not an ounce of passion. When Anne would try to describe it later, she'd liken it to a religious experience. And then tell Sasha to stop laughing.

"You don't have to decide now, Anne," Marcy told her after they had separated again. There was a faint blush on her face, but otherwise she was still calm. "This is a BIG decision, I get it. Just … think about it, okay? Take your time. All the time you need. And then … let us know. If you'd rather stay away from us, if you wanna be friends again, if you want to try being more ..." Marcy took a big breath. "We'll respect your decision, Anne. But no matter what your answer is, we'll wait for you. And we will always love you, no matter what."

She stood up, but Anne continued to stare at the spot she had been sitting in. It took Marcy's hand on her chin to move her gaze toward Marcy's face again. "I will go now," she said softly, smiling reassuringly. "I know that this was overwhelming, but … please think about it, Anna-banana. Goodbye."

It took a few minutes until Anne's mind started working again after the door had closed behind Marcy. And then it wouldn't stop working.

Anne opened the door. She had no idea how she had made it through the day with all her animal friends at work surviving. She was pretty sure if some jokester had replaced her lunch with the animal food, she wouldn't have noticed … actually, maybe that explained the weird taste in her mouth.

"Mom, I'm home," she announced, completely absent-minded. Since Marcy's visit on the day before she had been in a trance. Her brain was replaying their whole conversation again and again, but when it came to actually thinking about it, it ground to a halt immediately. Still, even if she had been able to think about Marcy's … proposition clearly, how were you supposed to process this? She had no idea what she should do.

"Welcome home, Anne," her mother greeted her. "Do you want to eat now?"

"I'm not very hungry, mom," she declined. She knew her mother was getting more and more worried, since that had been the answer since the fateful dinner at Sasha's place. Anne would usually come down later, eat a bit and leave the rest for her parents to eat or throw away. "I'm going up to my room."

No answer. Anne walked up into her sanctuary. Though after Marcy's visit her own room seemed … foreign to her. Pictures of the kiss flickered through her brain. Was this really something that had happened in her room? Or had she begun hallucinating due to nutrient deficiency? She wasn't sure. She lied on her bed. In some ways, today was better than the days before. Before, she had been depressed. Today … she was just hopelessly lost. Or was that really better? Maybe. But where should she go from here? The door to her room opened and she looked up. Her mom was coming in with a tablet full of food.

"Mom, I'm ..."

"... not hungry. Again. But today you WILL eat. And I will not leave this room until this tablet is empty."

Anne sighed. "I'm okay, mom."

"I wish I could agree," her mother announced grimly, putting the tablet on Anne's desk and looking at her daughter. "You DO seem less sad then yesterday at least. But you are still not eating. Or talking."

"It's … complicated, mom."

"It doesn't have anything to do with robots though, does it?"

"What?" Anne blinked. "No! Why …? Amphibia is sealed, mom. There's no portal anymore."

"How am I supposed to know, Anne?" Her mother sat down on her bed, crossing her arms. "The last time you were so secretive was when you had just come back from there with the Plantars. Since this dinner with Marcy and Sasha you have barely spoken at all and I have been very patient. But you hardly eating is worrying me."

"Alright, alright." Anne accepted defeat, sat up and took a bowl from the tablet, beginning to eat. She knew it was delicious, but still she didn't get much enjoyment from eating it. "It great, mom. Thanks," she lied.

Oum said nothing. She just sat there, watching her eat in silence. Anne clung to the small hope that her mother would be satisfied and leave once she had eaten everything. She feared however that the older woman was expecting answers about her behavior. And she had no idea what to tell her. Nevertheless she continued eating … if nothing else, it was better than eventually collapsing at work.

"Okay, I'm done," she said after she had emptied the tablet. She felt full, but not too full … perhaps she hadn't eaten enough in the last days indeed. "Thanks again, mom. I'm good."

"We're not done yet," her mother confirmed her fears. She moved closer to her daughter and put her arm around Anne's shoulders. "Now you will tell me what's going on. I have seen you happier than ever after your birthday, when you spent nearly all your time with Marcy and Sasha, then you were suddenly depressed, then you visited them less and less, then you were depressed again and after Marcy's visit yesterday I do not know WHAT you are. I want an explanation, young lady!"

Anne rubbed her eyebrows. "I … it's a long story, mom. And I don't understand how I feel myself."

"Then let me help," Oum offered gently. "That's what mothers are there for, aren't they?"

Anne hesitated for a moment. But then she nodded. It was a very … private matter, but if there was anyone to talk about such things, then it was your own mother, wasn't it? Besides, she wouldn't leave until she was at least a bit less worried.

"You're right … I was so incredibly happy on my birthday, when I saw them again." She couldn't help but smile. "And when Marcy moved in with Sasha, it was just like old times. I … I've missed them so terribly, mom."

"I know," her mother agreed. "You three have always had a special kind of relationship."

You have no idea, mom.

"A-anyway, when you say I was depressed … that was after a sleepover with Marcy. She had told me by accident …" She blushed and looked at her mom apologetically. "This is so embarrassing, mom." Her mother just squeezed her shoulder gently, putting her other hand on Anne's. She smiled encouragingly, saying nothing. Anne took a deep breath. "She told me that she had had … fantasies about me when she was younger … and that she … you know … had masturbated to them."

"Oh!" Her mother sounded truly surprised. "That's … unexpected." She paused, ordering her thoughts, while Anne hung her head in shame. "But you've had those too, didn't you, honey?"

Anne's head shot up and she looked at Oum flabbergasted. "What? I … how …? How did you know?"

Her mother laughed. "Annie … did you forget I comforted you when you were crying in your bed, thinking you had done something forbidden?" she reminded her daughter. "I didn't tell you back then … but even though you didn't want to tell me exactly what had happened, I had heard you exclaiming Sasha's name beforehand."

Anne buried her face in her hands. "Oh Frog, that's so embarrassing."

Her mother just laughed. "Oh honey, that's just growing up. You just needed to find yourself, and they were such important parts of your life."

"That's … what Sasha said too."

"Ah, that is why she came to Thai Go?" Her mom nodded. "I see. So she managed to calm you down? Let me guess, you had thought of Sasha like that but not of Marcy?"

A part of the blood in her cheeks moved back into the rest in her body. "Yes," she mumbled. At least back then. "And … then they became a couple, mom. And ..." She hesitated again. She trusted her mom, more than pretty much anyone in the world. But this … "And our friendship … changed."

"Aaaaah." Oum patted Anne's hand and pulled her daughter a little closer. "Now we are getting to the crux of it. Did you suddenly feel left out?"

"Yeah ..." Anne felt a bit ashamed and snuggled into her mom. Right now she didn't care that she was a grown-up. "It was so great after Amphibia. We three were finally on the same page, nothing toxic anymore … and it was the same again after my birthday. And then it changed. They didn't MAKE me feel unwelcome, mom, on the contrary, they invited me over even more often! But I felt … like I was intruding."

"Awww, sweetie. So that's why you offered your help so often during the wedding?"

"Yes … sorry, mom." Oum just hummed and Anne swallowed. Now the really hard part was approaching. "And then came the dinner a few days ago. It was … nice, mom. So nice. We had fun, we eat, we drank, we told stories ..." She sighed. "I really enjoyed it. And then Marcy fell asleep because she drank too fast and Sasha invited me to a sparring match on the rooftop ..."

"Wait, what?" Anne could practically feel her mother blink. "Slow down, Anne. What was that?"

She laughed nervously. "It wasn't dangerous, mom. Sasha had these bamboo swords, you know, for training only, and I was a bit … angry when she asked me why I was evading them, and she invited me to blow off some steam … and we did. And … then I asked her if she ever had a crush on me. Just to confuse her at first, so that I could land a blow, but … she said yes."

"I feel like the not so nice part of the story is coming," her mother commented, still holding her tight.

Anne swallowed. "I was … a bit tipsy. And everything just broke out of me. I yelled at her that I had had fantasized about her too … and I asked her why she hadn't asked me out. She was so rueful, but … she and Marcy were together and we went inside again. And … I wanted closure, mom. I asked her for the reasons why she loved me in our teens." She let out a sob. "It … it wasn't fair, mom. It wasn't ME who she was describing … she was describing a perfect higher being. And … and I saw that it hadn't been just a crush, that … that she had really loved me and I hadn't realized and ..." She pressed her eyes shut, but she couldn't prevent two tears from escaping. "... and then I kissed her. A real kiss."

"What?" Her mother froze. "But … wasn't Marcy …?"

"Yes." Her voice was quivering now. "I … I pushed her away soon after, when I realized that we were cheating on Marcy. But we had enjoyed the kiss, mom … both of us did. And then I knew that she still wanted me … and that I wanted her."

Oum pushed her daughter's head in her lap so that Anne could cry freely. "Oh honey," she said, her voice being full of compassion, disappointment and sadness. "But you didn't go any farther than that, did you?"

"No! No, mom, I would have never … you must believe me, we stopped as soon as we realized what we were doing! She … went back to her and Marcy's room and I slept in the study." She sniffed. "And in the morning … we agreed that she would tell Marcy. I went home … I didn't hear from them again until Marcy came by yesterday."

Her mother ruffled through her hair. She was probably just as confused as Anne was. "You know how wrong that was, don't you, Anne?"

"Of course I know, mom." She could barely speak now, with all these bottled-up emotions. "These last days I was constantly thinking … that they would break up because of me. But Marcy told me that they wanted to stay together … that she just couldn't hate me and Sasha … that she wanted us to forgive each other ..."

"Really?" Oum sounded surprised. "That is … unexpected."

Anne let out a laugh-cry. "You're telling me. But … that's not all what we talked about. Mom … she doesn't want to lose me OR Sasha. But she knows that our relationship is just too complicated, that there would be too much temptation and hurt. She ..." Anne licked her lips. She was REALLY nervous. "Mom … please don't be mad," she pleaded, her gaze fixated on her mom's knees.

"I won't be, sweetie," Oum promised. "Just tell me. Maybe you will feel better than."

Anne took a deep breath. "Marcy … she thinks that there is only one way to fix this. She wants us to be together … all three of us."

There was a long pause. "Wait … all three of you? As girlfriends?"

The disbelieve in her mother's voice was what broke her. She started full-on crying. "Mom … please don't … don't be mad … I'm so confused ..." She barely felt her mother pulling her up into sitting position again, but she did feel the tight hug that followed. She hugged the older woman back, desperately drawing as much comfort as she could.

"I'm not mad, honey, I'm not ..." Oum paused. "Anne … are you considering this?"

"I … I don't know, mom." She tried to regain the ability to speak clearly, but it was hard. "I feel like … like we can only try this or … or I stay away from them forever." She pressed herself against Oum even firmer. Her mother didn't complain. "I … I don't want to lose them, mom. I need them … Mama … is it wrong? Am I wrong?"

There was another long pause. When her mom spoke again, her voice was soft. "You know … when you came back with the Plantars after having disappeared … you didn't laugh much. Not really. But when the war was over, and you, Marcy and Sasha spent time together … I saw you laugh so often. A true, honest, happy laugh. It was so beautiful." Oum began to rub Anne's back. "I haven't seen this laugh since Marcy moved in with Sasha, Anne. I want to see it again."

"Mom ..."

"Let me talk," Oum interrupted her. "I don't know if this … relationship would be wrong. Many people will see it that way. But … I will always love you, Anne, of course I will. I'm your mom, I can't help it. And your father will too. You know … despite the puppets of you that I crafted when you were gone you disappearing made one thing clear to me. I didn't REALLY care if you became a doctor, or an architect, or a famous athlete – I'm proud of what you have become, but all I really want is for you to be safe and happy, Anne Savisa Boonchuy."

More tears ran down her face when her heart that had been filled with hurt and doubt was filled to the brim with love. "Mom," she blubbered, "I love you so much."

"I love you too, Anne. Though I won't become your girlfriend."

That forced a laugh out of Anne's throat. "Mom!" she protested weakly, but soon she was crying again, crying and soaking up her mother's love like a sponge. They stayed that way for a while, then Oum pushed Anne away softly and wiped away her daughter's tears.

"So listen, Anne," she told her. "Think about this. ALLOW yourself to think about this long and hard. Think about what will cause you pain and what will make you happy. And then choose whatever will make you laugh again."

Anne finally managed to smile. "Th-thank you, mom," she managed to speak, her voice hoarse. "Thank you so much. I … I will."

Oum kissed Anne's forehead and stood up, lifting the tablet off the desk. "You should sleep now, Anne," she suggested. "You must be exhausted. And when you need someone to talk to again … don't be afraid to ask."

"M-hm," Anne agreed and lied down on her bed, staring at the ceiling. Finally … the hurt inside of her was gone. Now there was just a life-altering decision in front of her, nothing more. "I love you, mama. Thank you."

"Goodnight, Anne. Sweet dreams."

And indeed, for the first time in a long while Anne's sleep was a peaceful one.