A follow-up was requested and I had some free time :) Let me know what you think! I have more planned…
A month has passed. It was the most life-changing experience. One might think differently, considering what I've endured in the past. I'd have to disagree. None of what I've suffered is comparable to losing a child. Even though it was in the beginning stages, I connected with my baby. I learned to love the fact that I was going to be a mother. The pain of a...miscarriage is unbearable.
Mentally—knowing your baby is slipping from you.
Physically—feeling your body...dispose of your baby because for whatever reason was not "meant" to keep him or her.
Emotionally—carrying the grief and anger with you. For the rest of your life.
I think—no, I know that is my dilemma. A month has gone by and I haven't been living it. After missing work for a few days, I went right back into it. Doubles and triples were pulled. I wasn't living like nothing ever happened. No, not at all. I was doing it because I had to. Going through the motions. I have nothing but the lab, which is why I couldn't put off resuming my duties. Resuming my duties while mourning and blaming myself. It was my fault however you look at it. I am responsible.
So I've been working nonstop. I've only gone out with the guys a few times. Come to think of it, I turned them down again today because I had some "things to think about." Really, I don't know why I chose today to reflect on last month.
"Sara?"
I blinked. There was pounding on the door. My phone started ringing. Without realizing, I answered it.
Going through the motions. Like a zombie. Maybe that's why today was the day.
"Hello?" I didn't bother to look at the caller ID. Nick was the one pounding on my door.
"Sara. I've been knocking. I knew you were home. I-I just didn't want to disturb you. Can I come in?"
"Uh, sure. One sec." I glanced at the clock. 7 am. Wow, I've been home awhile.
"Hey." With my arm extended I offered him a seat. "What brings you here?"
He looked...disheveled? As if he didn't know where to begin.
"I...I'm worried about you. The whole team is. You haven't been yourself...since..."
"I know. I've been thinking about," I waved my hand in the air. "Everything. Since...a-and it's like I'm not living. I've been going through the motions of going to work, but I haven't been enjoying it."
A look of shock registered on his face. He was not expecting an open confession. At least not immediately. "After it happened, I was expecting you to take some time. But then you came back to work, sort of dove right in. Since then there hasn't been much else. I wanted to talk to you. Make sure you were ok, ya know? I didn't want to upset you."
Tears were pooling. I didn't want them to fall. I knew what was coming next. He took my hand.
"I don't think you can fully resume things yet." He licked his lips. "In order for you to accept what's happened and continue with your life, you have to tell Gil." That's when a lone tear made its way down my cheek.