A/N: Another chapter, hell to the yes! And as you may have noticed, the rating has now changed… It's nothing super-explicit, but just so you're prepared. Hope you'll like it!
6: So Beautiful When You're Angry
A couple of days after that night on the couch - that night that shouldn't be a problem so there's no really no reason why it keeps playing in her head - Kate is sitting by the kitchen table.
Sawyer comes in. Kate pretends to put a lot of focus into the jelly she's spreading on her toast.
"Hey, beautiful," he says and grazes her cheek gently as he passes her on the way to the fridge.
Kate doesn't respond. Sawyer doesn't seem to notice. As far as she can tell, he hasn't reacted at all to her clipped answers and turned-away gaze for the past few days, even though that should be even more obvious since he thinks she's Juliet. Because Juliet doesn't angry. Only Kate gets angry. And Kate's no fucking good, anyway.
Juliet wouldn't get mad over something as trivial as hearing the man she loves whisper someone else's name when they're making love. Juliet probably doesn't get hungry or tired or grumpy at all, and when she's PMSing, she just gets really adorably giggly and horny rather than pissed off and chocolate-craving.
So goddamn perfect. Kate feels the spite spreading in her, like a stain on fabric.
Yeah, this is your fault. Sawyer wouldn't have to imagine you as someone else if you'd been good enough.
So goddamn perfect.
On his way out of the kitchen, Sawyer kneels down next to her and rubs her back gently.
"How's things, princess?" he murmurs, with such sincere concern that Kate can't avoid eye contact, no matter how mad she is. "You've seemed a bit moody."
Those light blue eyes. All that time they were apart, she couldn't help but thinking that they drifted over the ceiling at night, searching for some small trace of her, because he couldn't sleep without her, breathe without her. Because she so badly wanted to believe that she meant as much to him as he did to her. Oh god, those eyes, how they haunted her, all that time they were apart.
And how she hates them now.
"I'm fine," she says, musters a small smile.
When he still doesn't look convinced, she puts one hand on his cheek and smiles reassuringly.
That calm, yet loving smile you know she did sometimes, right?
Sawyer smiles back at her. He strokes her cheek once again before he straightens up and walks out.
Juliet wouldn't be upset over this. Juliet probably doesn't have the ability to feel negative feelings at all.
But Kate isn't Juliet. Kate is moody, easily annoyed and when she's angry, she shows it. So when she walks into the living room where Sawyer is, she intentionally sits as far away from him on the couch as possible, and looks away when he tries to see what's wrong. And because of this, she knows that he'll probably see that she's not Juliet soon enough.
But she'd rather take the consequences of that rather than letting him see her cry.
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Later on, Sawyer will never be able to tell what it was that finally made him realize what was really going on.
It'd been weeks. Kate had started out as Kate, faded into Juliet when his drinking and his grieving had taken its toll on his brain. And since he sure as hell wasn't any less insane now, what was it that changed?
Maybe it was the fact that he hadn't had a drink in a week. Maybe there are limits on how long you can suppress what's right in front of you.
Maybe it was the fact that thinking that Kate was Juliet had made him happy. And when he was happy, his mind didn't feel like it had to suppress things at all anymore. Thought that he was actually ready to deal with reality.
Sawyer isn't sure what it is. It just happens.
One day, he is in the kitchen with Kate. He looks up. He sees her.
It's not Juliet. It's Kate standing there cleaning the dining table.
It's not Juliet. It's Kate.
Such a simple realization. Such an obvious fact.
It's enough to turn Sawyer around. From unbearable grief to uncontrollable fury.
It's not Juliet. It's Kate.
He puts the dish brush down. Turns to her.
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It takes Kate a couple of seconds before she hears that the soft splashing from behind her has stopped. She turns around, and at first, she's just slightly annoyed that Sawyer has stopped doing the dishes even though she's been doing it for days on end, and it wouldn't hurt him to do some house work every now and then, but then… Then she sees the way he looks at her.
His knuckles whitening from his grip on the counter.
God, she should've seen this coming.
Sawyer takes a step towards her. Kate tries not to flinch, but feels her thighs pressing against the table edge. She shouldn't be scared, he's been rough with her before.
Just not with the look like he wants to kill her.
"Sawyer…" she begins, but Sawyer speaks up like he's waited for her to say something so he can interrupt.
"Where's Juliet?" he growls and takes another step towards her.
Kate backs away subconsciously.
"Sawyer… Juliet is…"
"Where is Juliet?"
Kate jumps, and now, she's basically sitting on the table. She's not used to him yelling at her, and as much as she tries to tell herself that this is just Sawyer, just the way he is, she does feel a cold, slimy feeling spreading in her gut, probably due to the fact that she knows he has a right to be this mad.
She's scared. No better way to put it.
"Sawyer…" she tries again, puts a hand on his arm and wonders if he can even feel it or if he even sees her in this blind rage, "Juliet is dead. She died weeks ago."
Kate can barely finish the sentence before Sawyer bangs his fist against the fridge next to them. She gives up and tries to walk away, tries to pretend that she's just annoyed with him rather than terrified, but he grabs her hair, the pain is like a thousand tiny needles on her scalp, and she whines as she claws at his hand.
"You're lying," Sawyer hisses, inches from her face. "You're fucking lying to me."
"For God's sake!" Kate exclaims and tries to grab his wrist, pry his hand away, "you saw it! You saw her die!"
"You're lying!"
The whole world jerks and the cheek where he's hit her feels like it's on fire. Kate gasps. She wants to scream, get angry, but just feels her eyes tearing up, and either way, he's grabbed both her arms before she's had a chance to react at all. She looks into his eyes and sees someone else, there's not a trace of Sawyer left in there.
"I want… Juliet," Sawyer stutters out. "I want her."
Their faces are inches apart, she feels his breath hot on her face. The situation could've been romantic, but it's not. Kate feels the tears dripping down, and it's not from the pain of his grip on her arms.
"Well, I'm sorry," she says coldly. "I'm so, so sorry I can't be her, she seems swell. Considering the way you're moaning away about her, I'm sure she's so fucking amazing that everything we had suddenly is worth nothing to you, but it means a whole lot to me. And if I could prance around with little goldilocks to make you happy, I would. Hell, I'd even have her cute little smile and baby blue…"
Sawyer grabs the glass standing behind her and bangs it into the table, and Kate jumps and shrieks involuntarily. When Sawyer grabs her again, little shards of glass that have gotten stuck in his flesh cut her arms, carves incoherent patterns into her skin, but she's almost too scared to feel the pain.
Scared and angry.
Goddamn Sawyer.
"Don't you say a word about her," Sawyer growls, so close that their noses are touching. "You don't know a goddamn thing about what we had, you hear me? Not a goddamn thing!"
At those last words, he twists his arms, the cuts get deeper and the bruises darker, but she doesn't care. Kate hates everything about Sawyer right now, his whining for Juliet, his self-righteous grieving, and the fact that everything they had seems to be nothing now, just because he has a new love that kills him inside.
Kate looks straight into his eyes. And she doesn't feel guilty at all when she says:
"Of course I do. Who wouldn't want a little booty call when your real girlfriend has gone back to the states?"
He hits her again, leaving two bloody streaks across her face this time. Kate clenches her jaw. Tears keep falling down, and she knows she's saying horrible things that she will regret later, but she doesn't care. Doesn't care.
Sawyer has no goddamn right pretending like he's the only one who's suffering.
"I want Juliet," Sawyer hisses when she's straightened up again. His hand slick with her blood, his blood, on her cheek. "I want Juliet."
"I'm not Juliet!" Kate almost shouts back at him. "I'm Kate! And you loved me once, goddamn it!"
"Shut up!" Sawyer cuts her off, so loud that she flinches again.
"Am I nothing next to your precious Juliet just because I was gone for a while?" with tears flowing freely.
"Shut up!"
And then his lips on hers. Kate kisses back out of reflex, before she remembers that she hates him right now. Then she tries to turn away, but Sawyer just growls something in annoyance and grabs her chin, forcefully pulls her back into the kiss, and just like the first time, when he thought she was Juliet, she knows she shouldn't, but it's not her fault.
She's waited for this for so long. And she loves him too much to turn him down, even when he's still making little cuts over her arms.
"Sawyer…" she whispers helplessly and pushes her hand feebly against his chest, not sure if she's trying to push him away or just feel him.
"Shut up," Sawyer mumbles again, less angry now, and puts his hand over hers. "Shut up."
His tongue in her mouth, exploring hidden cavern, but not like he used to, like he was still getting used to her, this thing they share. More like he's claiming her as his bit by bit, And maybe she'd put up more of a fight if she didn't want to be his. He's always managed to bring out that submissive side in her.
She can't be on her own anymore. For the simple reason that without him, she'll go back to her old ways. Closed off and cold.
Sawyer unceremoniously starts pulling her shorts down until they're gone completely. He runs his finger less gentle along the lips of her sex through her panties, and when he hears her gasp, he wastes no time in pulling them off, too. Kate is undeniably wet and the click of his belt followed by his erection, hot and smooth and craving, pushing into her core, comes as a liberation, she throws her head back and moans so hard that she doesn't even feel his splintered hands pushing against her breasts through her shirt.
But still those words, over and over. When he moaned her name, it was one thing, but now, he sounds so longing, so annoyingly hurt, that Kate can't ignore it even under the circumstances.
"I want Juliet," Sawyer murmurs as he nibbles softly along her collarbone. "I want Juliet."
Their lovemaking is hot as ever, again, Kate manages to come twice before Sawyer grunts in his climax and pulls out of her and until then, sweat is dripping off their naked bodies, moans rise to the ceiling, pressing against the windows and they both manage to forget their hurt for a while.
It's hot as ever.
But their sweat is still mixing with blood from Kate's arms and Sawyer's desperate tears.