A/N: Hey there! Yes, I'm a slow updater, but this isn't just my fault. This fic is also very hard to update. The damn thing won't cooperate! XD No, seriously, I've been a bit dry with this one for some time. Hopefully, I've worked this chapter down to something you find bearable. If not, you have permission to smack me. If I have… Enjoy! ^^
8: Never
Kate thinks she looks fairly normal when she arrives to the temple again. She had no idea how she found her way there, or how long she's been walking, for that matter. She hasn't stopped to sleep, and eaten while walking. She hasn't kept count on the times she's seen the sun fall down in the west or how many times it's climbed back up, because the only thing on her mind has been one, screaming summon to herself: Get away from Sawyer.
It's so weird how he can go from being the one thing on her mind for years to something that she fears. But she'll never be able to truly look at him the same way again.
Jack hugs her tight when he sees her again. Kate smiles back at him even though she barely sees him there.
He talks about how happy he is to see her again. Kate keeps smiling. She wonders if her face is red from all the crying.
"How was Sawyer?" Jack asks.
Kate's not quite so dazed that she doesn't hear the undertone of worry in his voice. Probably more worry that she's going to love Sawyer again than that Sawyer's caught up in grieving.
"Not worth saving," she says.
That's all she manages to get out, if she says another word, her voice is going to crack. Kate goes back to pretending to fix the straps on her backpack, mainly to have an excuse to turn her face away. She's not sure how Jack reacts to her statement, he doesn't say anything, but she assumes that he reads more to her words than what she says.
Jack knows her too well to think that there's anyone she doesn't want to save. Especially Sawyer.
Because in reality, he means so much to her. But things will never be the same, even if she ever sees him again.
She's not sure how to tell Jack that, though. So instead, Kate just lets her backpack fall to the ground and sits down on a low stone wall that puts some distance between her and Jack, but of course, he walks up to the wall and sits down next to her. Kate wants to punch him and cry on his shoulder at the same time.
"Kate," Jack says and tries to make eye contact with her. "What happened?"
Kate doesn't look back at him. Stares firmly at a point right above his head.
Stupid Jack. And stupid her. Things could've been so much simpler than she makes them out to be. Right now, she could've kissed him. He would've kissed back, in that gentle way that Sawyer never does, and when they pulled apart, he'd look into her eyes, tuck her hair behind her ear, and then they'd go back home and live together and everything would be simple and wonderful and it could be that way for the rest of their lives.
But of course, it can't be that easy. It never has been able to, and it'll be even harder now.
xxxxxxxxxxx
You're an idiot.
Not much to do about it now, is it?
You could go after her. She must be two days away now, that's not very far.
I don't know where she is.
If this had happened a couple of years ago, you would've walked for a week. And you wouldn't need a direction, any chance of finding her would make it worth the effort.
Sawyer sighs and throws some plates into the sink. He's almost disappointed that none of them breaks.
A lot has changed since then.
What, exactly? There was a Juliet. She's gone now.
That doesn't mean I don't love her. You expect me to forget her over this short time? Kate's second best. That's not enough anymore.
Juliet is gone. Kate stayed. In fact, she stayed a lot longer than you deserved.
Sawyer pours detergent over the dirty plates. An unnecessary amount of it, since his mind's not really with him when he's doing it.
I don't love her anymore. And I'd make her miserable. Just think about Juliet all the time, like I did now. She deserves better, even I think that.
She stayed. During the worst of times. In fact, not even Juliet would've stayed when you were like that, and if she did, she would've made a hell of a deal if you mistook her for someone else, no matter how drunk or sad you were. Kate didn't say a word about it. She stayed miserable to keep you happy.
Sawyer switches on the tap and watches the water flow over the dishes, the soap bubbles rising up, like he's hypnotized. The dishes are the only thing he has control of right now.
That's exactly it. How would I be able to live with the knowledge that I'm the one making her miserable?
He sticks his hands in the water, starting to clean the dirty plates almost mechanically. He's been doing more and more of this since Kate left. Nitpicking with housework, dusting off windowpanes, watering the grass outside. All this stuff he really doesn't care about.
Just to get rid of that thought that he can't help but thinking now.
And just how happy do you think she is being apart from me?
This would be easy to dismiss. It'd be so easy to just say come on, it's been years since they were together. And even then, they spent a lot of time making each other miserable. So just what is it to make a big deal over? They had their chance with each other, and they blew it. They've proven that they're not good for each other, and they've moved on. They've found new loves. Ones that actually make them happy.
Sawyer could've told himself all this. The reason that he doesn't is that he knows better than anyone that it's not that easy.
Kate's been second best for so long. Because he honestly loved Juliet, and she didn't hurt him, they didn't use each other to make someone else jealous and they could admit their feelings for each other not only when they were seconds from death. Juliet was his number one for so long that he forgot what they had.
But truth is, Kate's the love of his life. He needs her, at all times. Even now, when he's just told her that he doesn't love her anymore, her being gone feels like a part of himself missing. He needs her when she makes him miserable, he needs her when he tortures the life out of her, hell, he even needs her when he's so deranged with grieving and whiskey that he doesn't even know that it's her he's with.
Honestly. They'd have to love each other as much as they do if they've broken each other's hearts so many times, and still want to be with each other.
Sawyer takes his hands out of the dishwater and puts them on the sink in front of him. Sees them in front of him, flushed with the heat of the water, slippery with detergent. Thinks that they look lonely without Kate's hand next to them.
When two people love each other, really love each other… When is it time to say enough, we're not doing this anymore?
He's heard that in a movie. Or somewhere else.
In fact, there's a good chance that Kate's asked him that. One of the many nights they spent together that he didn't care to relish until they were gone.
Never, Sawyer answers in his head and strides out the front door. He has no idea where Kate is, but he will find her.
Left in the kitchen are some clean plates drying in a stack next to the sink, and dishwater cooling off, the bubbles floating in it bursting one by one.