Runaway Train Never Coming Back
Edward Cullen. Here he held the ripped shreds of my heart in his fist and flung them back at me, not even able to remember that he was the one who had torn it to pieces. This was unendurable. I couldn't be here anymore. I just couldn't stand it. Here this coffee shop, here this school, here anywhere. I felt nauseous and my mouth was full of things he wouldn't want to know, and wouldn't believe if I told him. I fled, leaving both my Edwards, neither of whom could bear to be with me, far behind.
I don't remember how I got home. I crawled under the covers and closed my eyes and there I stayed for the next three days. I felt like I had suffered an episode of vertigo in the middle of an earthquake. I'd lost myself for a moment in a pair of brilliant green eyes, and come to to find the whole world had fallen apart around me. Sure, there had been hints and I'd had my ideas. But hearing him say his name, out loud, was somehow still a surprise, like the difference between suspecting your boyfriend might be cheating and walking in on him balls deep with one of your friends.
My vampire had found a way to become a human. But he still didn't want me. I had always told myself that Edward couldn't love me because we were too different, vampires just couldn't attracted to humans the way I was attracted to him. But here he was a human, like he always wished he could be, and here was the same heartbreak. Oh no, you're too good for me. Oh no, I am dangerous. Oh no, I don't want to hurt you. It was all just noise and it meant one thing. No, no, no.
When I finally dragged myself out of bed Thursday, an opaque film coated the world in front of me, and sounds came to me as through a thick sludge. My voice sounded far away in my own ears, like it was coming from somewhere else. Somewhere far away. I got into the beat-up Toyota Camry my dad got me at the end of my freshman year and I drove. I left a message telling Alice I was going home for a few days. I drove for three days straight, pulling over only to curl up in the backseat at a rest stop for a few hours of sleep. I didn't know where I was going at first, but I found myself crossing the steadily crossing the states to the north and west. My first thought was to drive to Phoenix, but of course my mom wasn't there anymore. In fact, I wasn't sure where she was, she wasn't so good about telling me of her traveling plans with Phil. I was headed to Washington, back to Forks.
I slowed up as I neared town, stalling until I thought my dad was gone for work Monday morning. My phone was dead and I wanted to call him to tell him I was home, so that I wouldn't have to explain why in person. I also wanted a chance to cleanup before he saw me, even in my haze I could smell how disgusting I was. I treated myself to a long relaxing soak with lavender bath salt, washing my hair twice.
I already felt better being back in Forks, where I could cling to sanity by pretending none of it had ever happened. I had move to Forks my junior year to live with my dad, 18 months later I'd left for college. There was no such thing as vampires, and I had never been in love with one.
Charlie sounded happy to hear I was home, but I could hear the worry creeping into his voice toward the end of our brief phone call. He wasn't buying my story that the pressure of school had gotten to me, he knew I'd never had any trouble with academics. The house had that telltale bachelor look to it – clean, but not polished. Dust piled up in corners. The freezer was stocked with Hungry Man dinners, but the fridge only had spoiled milk and Vitamin R. My waist had slimmed to nothing, and my hip bones were beginning to jut out alarmingly after almost a week of barely eating, so I threw a heavy jacket over my favorite yoga pants and headed to the store for the fixings of a healthy sized lunch and a huge dinner.
An unfamiliar car was blocking the drive when I got home, so I pulled up to the curb instead. I hesitated, wishing for the pepper spray Charlie kept slipping into my purses when I lived with him. I gathered my bags, figuring a heavy can was better than no weapon at all, and slowly approached the house. A tall figure in dark clothes was leaning against the door, resting his forehead on his raised left arm, his other hand clenched in a fist at his side. He was completely still and his back was to me, but I knew immediately who it was. Before my mind even said the name, my breathing hitched and my heart raced. I tried to call out to him but my voice wouldn't work properly and it came out a breathy whisper.
"Edward." He didn't move. Oh right, no more superhuman hearing.
I gripped my bags and hurried toward him, but I forgot the corner was uneven on the third block of the walkway and my toe caught its edge and sent me straight down and the canvas bags full of groceries up, up, up. I shut my eyes in anticipation just before I slammed into the cold concrete.