Loki:
What Loki was doing 1:[I have…done something I regret]
[The sound of crunching snow is drowned out by the whistling wind in the vast tundra of Alaska. The distant howl of the wolves and the cry of a violent wind were all you could hear, if you were lucky and your ears weren't frozen.
A violent flash of green scattered in the wind. Loki was staggering to find his balance, his face still filled with shock. The cold icy wind shred through what was left of his warmth and his face started to tint blue. He felt angry, sad and frustrated. He ran again, away from his old memories. He ran away from Tony. He felt the sting of warm tears escape his eyes. His face contorted into pain as he clenched his teeth. The tears froze down his face and underneath were trails of blue, his fingers started to freeze.
He cursed loudly in his native tongue and pounded at the ground. His moment of weakness and he ran far, far away. In Tony's moment of weakness he invaded and violated his mind. He got angry and…felt great weakness in almost showing a lesser side but…so did Tony.
Loki slumped further into the snow, he let the drift cover him slowly, closing out the sun's rays, letting the snow fill in around him. He could feel his face turning, the blue hue he so much despised. It climbed up his face and over his body as the snow made him vanish in the blink of an eye.]
No matter how elaborate the lie or how beautiful it seems, I cannot take back what I have said. And…not even my own heart can carry the weight of my own hurtful words…
I am sorry…
I wish I could take it back…
I wish I would stop running…
What Loki was doing 2: [I need to go back]
A giant snow drift was a complete eye sore in the middle of the flat frozen tundra. The wind continued to whip and lash out icy shards in its wake. The snow mound twitched and a blue and rigid hand emerged. It slammed down onto the ground and the figure pushed himself up. Clumps of snow and ice dropped off of Loki's head as he slowly looked towards the bleak horizon. His deep ruby eyes looked from side to side then down at his hands. Turning them back and forth they were nothing but blue and with their distinct Jotun markings. He growled deep in his chest and stood up slowly. His legs wobbled under his weight.
He had been asleep for some hours, possibly more. He wasn't sure with the Alaskan tundra. A melancholic expression adored his blue face as he raised his hand to emit a green aura. With a zap he was gone in a violent green spark that vanished with the wind.
Loki's body lurched to a halt at the top of Stark tower, a cloak billowing around him under the violent storm above. He looked around through the thick curtain of rain when JARVIS' spoke up.
'Welcome back, sir. May I inform of your return?' asked the synthetic voice in its usual monotone.
The God of Mischief rose his hand.
"No thank you JARVIS, I would like to be alone for now." Loki's tone was sad as he wrapped the cloak around himself ever more. He looked once, twice over his hands to see them slowly start to fade back to a normal Aseir pigment, a normal Midgardian colour. He waved his hand only slightly and a mirror appeared. He watched as his complexion slowly turned back to normal. Loki sat in the rain, not caring he was getting drenched, he just watched his skin turn back to a normal shade. Something not so hideous.
Tony would have found him hideous. No one, sans Thor, wanted him in Asgard. They did not want a monster so close to the throne.
"Soon…" the trickster whispered, rain sliding down his sullen face.
Tony:
And, still.
[Tony had fell into a restless sleep in which he faded through past memories of his time held captive in Afghanistan and intertwining dreams. He saw Loki there in his memories(dreams?), sitting there as and when as he went through making the Iron Man suit for the first time. Sometimes Loki was teasing him with little jokes, sometimes Loki merely mocked him in his usual manner. Tony would tell that even in his sleep, his dreams were not quite right. Loki was never there, and yet…
His surreal dreaming caused him to snap awake hours later. He was still clutching onto his own clothes that carried his lover's smell- it was now gone- and he was drenched in his own sweat. He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head, trying to remember where he was. He ignored the voice of JARVIS greeting him as he did so, making an attempt to look around for Loki. His eyes felt awfully dry and he had no idea why. As he pushed the balls of his palms into his eyes, he asked JARVIS where Loki was.
He ran out of the room, and around the mansion for the second time that day in search of his god, when JARVIS had failed to reply him. He knew that that meant Loki was back and had instructed JARVIS not to inform Tony of his reply. He found Loki on the roof sitting in the rain with his majestic cloak wrapped around himself. Worried, Tony rushed up to the trickster's side and picked him up before the drenched god could protest. He kept quiet, not saying a word, as he brought Loki into their bathroom and began undressing the man. Tony dried Loki up with a huge towel, rubbing warmth into him even though Loki didn't seem to need it. He pulled one of his shirts (at least two sizes too big) over Loki and when he was done, Tony finally cracked a smile.]
You really shouldn't have sat in the rain like that.
Loki:
[Loki just watched as Tony dried him off. Time seemed to slow down. He watched, as the Man of Iron rushed in frantic movements trying to get him warm.]
I don't need you to do this…please don't be sad…
[He wanted to raise a hand in protest, but felt his body refusing to cooperate with him. Tony pulled the shirt over Loki's head and cracked his smile. As soon as the shirt fell over his face tears followed suit. He lifted his shaking hands and looked down. Relief washed over him, but a deep sorrow was still in his veins as the trickster grabbed onto Tony's shirt and cried. He didn't deserve to be with someone who cared so much even after what he did. Jumping ship and leaving like that. He could see the tired eyes, the smell of sweat, he knew Tony had some horrid dream and he wasn't there to help and comfort him. Instead he ran away from his own problems. He put his own problems first.
Loki sobbed but never got any closer than arm's length of the other. His head hung low and his shoulders shuddered. He didn't deserve this. Tony didn't deserve the trouble and obvious pain Loki was putting him through. Loki felt weak and undeserving, for once in his life he felt the heavy burden of his past crush him. He felt the force of what the future held swallow him whole and suffocate him. He felt the present, the pained man standing before him, drown him in regret.
Loki felt like a complete and total piece of garbage and Tony Stark was the one who made him feel this. Feel like a…human, made him feel emotion, feel emotions he denied as a child and he didn't know how to cope. So he cried. He cried and clung on to one of the last things he could in hope of forgiveness. Loki knew he could not promise anything. He knew bad winds always followed his trail. So why did this Midgardian want to be with him so much?
Too many questions, not enough focus. For another time perhaps.]
Tony:
[The minute Loki's tears poured down his face, it was Tony's first instinct to pull Loki in close to cuddle and comfort the man. He wasn't allowed that not with the way the trickster held his shirt and stood there crying in front of him. It crushed Tony's heart to watch his lover cry. His eyes were cast down yet fixed on Loki's face as he watched the man cried. He felt useless there and then, and it bit at him the way acid would bite into skin.
Tony wanted to break down and cry himself but at that point of time, he had felt that he needed to be the stronger one between the both of them. Even so, he felt terrible inside. A part of him was tired of always have Loki disappear on him every time one of them got upset and having to find him hours later but another part of him had a love for Loki so overwhelming that made him hold on stronger than ever before.
Eventually, Tony broke through Loki's grasp on his shirt that coiled his arms tightly around Loki's neck. He shushed the god softly, willing him not to cry, as he rubbed small circles on his back. Tony pulled back only to kiss away the tears still dribbling down Loki's face.]
Hey, hey. Don't go crying on me now. You're going to ruin that flawless complex of yours with wrinkles at this rate.
Loki:
[Loki closed his eyes and inhaled some shaky breaths. He looked at Tony with a look of concern.]
W-why…do you insist on being so kind when I have done nothing but harm you? Why are you not made at me? Why are you not yelling at me? Why do you not even show the slightest hint of wanting to punish me for what I have done to you? A-are you just waiting for another time? I—
[Loki turns away revealing a long healed gash at the back of his neck. Most of his hair was hiding the top but the shirts collar slide down enough that it showed. The discoloured and scarred skin was a stark contrast to Loki's pale complexion.
The god continued to rattle of things at the top of his mind. He was far from his usual composed self and in the middle of a tremendous break down. I'm sorry, he;d say over and over, I'm sorry please don't be angry. Then he slipped, he didn't even catch it himself. He spoke in a mix of Midgardian and Asgardian, a jumble of sad sounding pleads. Loki slowly sunk to his knees.]
I'm sorry! Please don't do this. Please don't hate me! Please don't do this! Please Father! I'm sorry! Please! Please! I'll try harder! I'm sorry!
Tony:
[Tony frowned at Loki's sudden outburst and tilted his head in question. He shook his head in this manner, trying to calm Loki down by patting the god's head. Loki had turned away in reply, the scar on the back of his neck showing. Tony had never noticed this before, and it made his heart ache and wince. How could anyone possibly do that to Loki? The philanthropist was furious and wanted to take down whoever who had done that to his lover.
He squinted his eyes to allow his ears more room for concentration so that he could hear what Loki was saying through what it seemed to be a mindless prattle. It shocked him greatly when Loki fell to his knees, and Tony quickly knelt down in front of the god and held him by the shoulders.]
Loki. Loki, what's wrong? Stop behaving like that. God, you're scaring me. Love, please talk to me? Tell me what's wrong.
[He shook Loki's shoulders harshly to jerk Loki back into reality. As much as Tony was scared for his lover, he could see that Loki was much more frightened himself. He wiped away at the tears again, a grinding sensation pitting at the bottom of his heart. It honestly killed him to see Loki like this.]
Tell me what's wrong, Loki. And please, dear god, please don't fucking disappear on me again. Not like this, no. I'll go crazy if you do.
Loki:
I'm sorry. I'm sorry! I'm so sorry father please don't be mad at me!
[Loki brought his hands up to claw at his head. He was lost in his own mind now, trying to get past all the clutter. He could hear Tony. Inside his mind he cried out for Tony to help him. Memories, fragments, slivers of emotions stabbed him. He ran through the memories, the pain, towards the sound of Tony's voice. But on the outside Loki had suddenly become very quiet. He was still clawing at him head, but not causing any damage to himself. He kept replaying old, old dialogue from when he was a child except for Tony it was fully translated into English.]
Father please don't hit me, I'll never do it again! I'm sorry, please! Please don't hurt me I didn't do it…
[Problems with his father, confrontations with other Asgardians, confrontations with Thor's friends, even Thor on a rare occasion, Loki was reliving painful memories…]
…
[And then it all stopped.]
Tony.
[The banter stopped. The pain faded. The memories stopped playing and Loki stopped repeating everything. A look of dread fell over him and he started to push Tony away, his eyes started to glow green and a boiling sensation churning in his gut.]
Tony get away.
[Tony resisted, trying to find out what's wrong. He called out to him but Loki pushed him passed the door and closed it. Tony landed on his side out of the way of the door.]
TONY GET AWAY NOW!
[Before Tony could protest a blinding flash of neon green light blasted through the bathroom door, clearing is straight off the hinges. Angry sparks of magic flew out of the bathroom opening, flying in all directions. Tiles, plastic and glass flew out into the room.
The light started to fade and the dust cleared. Loki emerged from the bathroom looking like he had spent the night there heaving his breakfast, lunch and dinner. He crawled out of the destroyed bathroom. It was basically a crater or a new small hall way. Loki went limp and sighed heavily.]
I'm sorry…I'm sorry Tony.
Tony:
[Desperate to stop Loki from clawing at his head, Tony tried with all his strength to pull Loki's arms away, but compared to a god, his strength was nothing, so he failed. It did not stop him from trying. For the first time that day, he felt tears flooding his vision as he heard memory after memory being replayed through Loki's mouth. He felt outraged for knowing it had been Loki's father who had given him the scar on his neck, he wanted to do more than hurt Odin now. He wanted to make Odin and everyone that had treated Loki badly pay.
Tony's heart started racing as Loki stopped speaking and began pushing him away. He cried out asking what was wrong, and no, don't push me away, Loki. Before he could fight back, he was past the bathroom door and flat on his back. The door slammed shut and seconds later there was that flash of green lights. Tony held his arms over his face to shield himself as the splinters of wood along with bits and parts of the bathroom flew past him. When it stopped, Tony removed his arms and stared at the now destroyed bathroom in shock. He scrambled back up to his feet and ran next to Loki.]
Don't apologize to me you stupid, stupid god. Are you alright, Loki? Please tell me you're alright.
[He cradled Loki in his arms, pushing away the strands of hair that were in Loki's face. He pulled Loki in closer and pressed his lips to Loki's forehead. His own tears were gone, a worried look was set on his face.]
Loki…
Loki:
[Loki waved a tired hand and groaned as he pushed himself up to a sitting position. He ran a hand through his hair and closed his eyes to try and get his bearings.]
I am all right. I'm sorry you had to see that though. It has been a long, long time since I had my magic double cross me. Well in a way double cross, but not entirely.
[Loki looked at Tony and leaned in close to kiss the other. He had heard everything. He knew it would happen, but he didn't know it would happen in such a chaotic way. Loki looked genuinely sorry for what he did.]
I am sorry you had to…see that, I mean it. And I am sorry I ran away when you needed me. Please forgive me Tony. I love you…
[He places his hand on the spot where Tony's arc reactor was and gave a tired smile.]
Tony:
[Tony smiled, a little sadly but it was still one of understanding. He shook his head at Loki, said that it was fine, and that he didn't mind. He kissed back when he was kissed. Pulled away after, thumbed at Loki's cheek. He laughed softly, it wasn't mocking, it was relief to see that Loki was already looking better.]
You really don't have to apologize, love. It's fine, it's fine. You're still here, aren't you? I love you too, silly. You know I can't stay mad at you.
[He smiled warmly back at Loki, feeling Loki's warm radiate through his arc reactor. He picked the tired trickster up around the waist and behind the knees, carrying him to their bed. Tony set the god down there, telling him to wait there before he made his way to the kitchen. He gathered together a bowl of Loki's favourite cereal along with a glass of orange juice then made his way back up to the room. Setting the drink on the bedside table, he offered the cereal to Loki.]
Here, you should eat this.
Loki:
[Loki pouted his lips and glares at the cereal. He looked back at Tony like a child.]
Just because I destroyed your bathroom with an emotional explosion doesn't mean I need to eat, but fine. I shall accept the bountiful harvest from the local cereal box, even if it does not come with the brightly coloured ponies on the talking box.
[He took the cereal with a pout but smiled and ate anyway. He gestured for Tony to sit next to him by scooting over. He ate a couple spoons full of cereal and silently mulled over what to say.]
I…do not wish for you to get the wrong idea. My childhood was not so…unpleasant. I assure you.
Tony:
[Tony rolled his eyes at Loki albeit glad that his lover was already returning to his usual self. He took his place next to Loki and placed his hand on Loki's thigh, he rubbed there absentmindedly. He wasn't trying to turn Loki on, Tony simply wanted to soothe away Loki's bad past, and it seemed Loki knew. The genius looked over at the deity next to him and sighed.]
You don't have to explain yourself unless you truly want to talk about it, love. I won't force you to. [He paused and scratched his cheek.] But that doesn't mean I don't want to hear about it when you're ready.
Loki:
Well…
[Loki paused and ate another spoonful of cereal and thought about what to say while chewing. He swallowed and tapped the spoon against Tony's cheek.]
I never got along with my father. It does not take a genius to figure that out nor does it take an idiot to realize he was not one to hold back his hand. In fact, he is not my father at all…
[Loki had a grim expression but he blinked and went back to eating his cereal.]
I don't think I have to mention how I never got along with over half of Asgard, Thor's friends, etcetera. I am still close to my mother though. She still loves me and I her, but that is beside the point. I believe I have given you the "basic run down".
[Loki rests his head against Tony's shoulder and lets the spoon dangle in his mouth.]
Tony:
[Tony scrunched his nose up in distaste when Loki tapped the saliva-coated spoon against his face. Though Tony seemed to completely forget about that once Loki had started speaking. He watched Loki's expressions carefully, and his hand on Loki's thigh gripped onto it and squeezed softly.]
I would say I'm sorry, but I'm not. [He looked into Loki's eyes and smiled.] That's only because I have you now, and I'll make sure that you won't ever have to go through anyone ill-treating you ever again.
[He threw his arm around Loki's shoulder to pull him in closer. Tony kissed the top of Loki's head and tugged the spoon away from Loki's mouth. He took the bowl away and made Loki drink the orange juice before he pulled the blanket over them.]
You should sleep, love. You must be very tired.
Loki:
You are too kind to me, sometimes I think it is a cruel joke being played on me by the others. Making me feel safe, loved and warm, only to dash my happiness and throw it in my face.
[Loki kisses Tony goodnight and snuggles close, locking ankles and tracing Tony's arc reactor.]
You mean a great deal to me, Anthony Edward Stark. I…would never forget you. I could never forget the one person in my entire existence who made me feel loved, cared for, warm…I could never forget you. I will never forget you.
[Loki laced his hand that was tracing the arc reactor with Tony's own hand and smiled contently. He slowly drifted off to sleep, listening to Tony's heat beat.]
Tony:
[Tony sneers at the little comment of Loki thinking it's a cruel joke because it's not. What he felt for Loki was real, and sometimes he wondered if that alone was enough. Loki was a god after all, and Tony was a mere human being. Sure, he was better than most humans (yes, yes, ego) but surely in Loki's eyes he would have easily been just another one of them. He smiled lopsidedly at Loki's promise, he felt sad because he knew he was never going to be there forever. He wondered who would keep his own promise then, wondered who would keep Loki away from harm and keep him safe.]
I'll always love and care for you, Loki.
[He swept his fingers into Loki's hair and rubbed Loki's scalp until the god fell asleep on his chest. A sad smile now touched his lips while he continued rubbing his lover's scalp. He thought about how Loki would be like when he was gone in the future. He shook the thoughts away, settling for watching Loki sleep. He continued to hold Loki's hand in his other and ponder before he gradually let sleep to take him into the dark.]