Kunsel: Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of Cirque De Shinra! It's me, Kunsel, along with your favorite heroes, villains, and ninjas here to answer all of your questions! Our first question of the day is-
Genesis: Actually, I have a question for the people of Gaia. WHY is SEPHIROTH the hero? His personality is equivalent to that of a wet mop, the only emotion he ever shows is his default face, and he dresses like a drag queen. Why is he your hero? Why not me? I mean look at me! *stands up from the tan lounge chair, puts his hands on his hips, and flips his hair before winking at the camera*
Rufus: I believe I can answer this question. Sephiroth is the hero because he doesn't try to molest SOLDIER cadets; he doesn't set every plant in the Shinra tower on fire or try to pound LOVELESS quotes into our heads with his nonstop prattling. And he doesn't HIT ME IN THE HEAD WITH A COFFEE CUP!
Kunsel: Hehe, since we've settled that, let's move on to our first question, which is addressed to the Science Department's executive Professor Hojo!
Question: Why are you so wrong? And I mean that in a psychological way. I just can't put what's wrong with you into words. Signed, KHGiggle.
Hojo: Oh yes, I am so terribly wrong. Which is why I have won countless awards for my discoveries, helped bring about the creation of materia, and through determination and time I created….er fathered Gaia's hero. I didn't realize how much intellect was frowned upon in this society.
Sephiroth: Is that what you call parenting? On my seventh birthday you gave me a mako injection for a present and then forced to run a maze for six hours while you monitored my vital signs.
Hojo: And I did it out of love.
Sephiroth: Yes, a love of science.
Kunsel: AND our next question is addressed to ex-TURK Vincent Valentine!
Question:….Your cape, I like that shit. Can I have it?
Yuffie: Good luck with that! I've been trying for 2 years to get that thing from him! I even offered to trade this with him! *holds up one of Genesis's leather jackets*
Genesis: You little brat! That's made from the finest Wutainian leather!
Yuffie: You are using my Wutainian brethren to make your stupid coats!?
Genesis: *smirks* Yes, I am. And they are doing a fabulous job.
Kunsel: Hey let Vincent answer the question! Well, Mr. Valentine?
Vincent:…..no.
Yuffie: See, I told you.
Kunsel: And our next question goes to everyone's favorite Puppy of SOLDIER Zack Fair!
Question: How do you make your hair so damn spiky? I keep trying to make mine like that but it never works.
Kunsel: Alright Zack what do you…..where's Zack?
Cloud: He was here a few minutes ago.
*Loud explosion from hall, 2 minutes later Zack and Reno come running in with black soot covering their faces and their clothes smoking*
Cloud: Zack! What the hell happened to you!?
Cissnei: Reno what did you do now?
Reno: Why is it always me yo?
Zack: We might've blown up the ice machine….on accident. But don't worry! No one was hurt…too badly. *Scratches neck nervously*
Genesis: Just how do you set an ice machine on fire?
Zack: Well it wasn't so much the machine as the ice itself that caught on fire…
Rufus:…Am I paying them to be idiots?
Zack: RENO DARED ME THAT I COULDN'T DO IT!
Angeal: You set company property on fire because of a dare. I am disappointed in you Puppy.
Reno: He proved me wrong yo.
Lazard: Angeal this is no worse then the time Genesis and yourself replaced all of company's repair manuals with Playboy magazines when all of the elevators were broken down.
Zack: You did what Angeal!?
Angeal:…It was a long time ago.
Rufus: Just how old are you then?
Kunsel: Hey guys let's get back to the show! So Zack, how do you make your hair so spiky?
Zack:…Kunsel why do you care?
Kunsel: *facepalm* It was the question asked to you by a viewer.
Zack: OH! Okay then. My mom told me when I was kid that it was the hair fairies that made my hair this way….what?
Cid: One o' SOLDIERs mos' promisin' eh?
Rufus: Hojo I thought you said mako increased intelligence.
Hojo: It is of little help if you have an IQ of 30 to begin with.
Cloud: It's okay Zack. I don't think you're an idiot.
Zack: Gee thanks Spike! *pulls Cloud into bone crushing hug*
Genesis: And now on Cirque De Shinra watch Second Class Zackary Fair kill his best friend via strangulation.
Zack: Huh? *sees Cloud turning blue* AHH! I'M SORRY CLOUD!
Cloud: It's alright Zack.
Kunsel: Next question! This is addressed to Gaia's greatest airship pilot Cid Highwind!
Question: How are you still alive? You smoke, what, six packs of cigarettes a day? How are you not dead yet?
Cid: 'Cause I'm Cid Highwind! Ya got a problem wit' that?
Reno: He's more un-killable then the guy in the cape with the tinfoil shoes. *Jabs a thumb at Vincent.
Vincent: *blinks*
Kunsel: And the last question of the show goes to….Zack. Again.
Question: What's the pass code to the security lock on the side of the set?
Zack: 63127…..wait.
*rabid fangirls come barging onto the set*
Rufus:*Strangling Zack* YOU IDIOT! YOU DAMN MORON! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!
Sephiroth: *being mauled by members of Silver Elite*
Genesis:*Running for his life as Red Leather members chase him while quoting LOVELESS* BY THE GODDESS SOMEONE HELP ME!
Angeal: *Already locked himself in a supply closet and is waiting for reinforcements as members of Honor Keepers attempt to break the door down*
Reno: *has hands covering his head and has climbed up onto one of the light fixtures*
Nanakai:*Being covered by girls going "AWWWW"*
Cloud: *Trying to separate Zack and Rufus while keeping fangirls from stealing pieces of his hair*
Vincent:*Already disappeared into the shadows*
Barrett: GET THE FUCK BACK! BACK I SAID! *waving gun arm around, only to be tackled from behind*
Yuffie: AHHHH FANBOYS! GET THEM AWAY! *running in circles as deranged fanboys chase her around the set*
Tifa and Aerith: *Hiding behind the set of fake curtains*
Tseng:* carrying Rufus bridal style as he runs from both his own and his boss's fangirls*
Elena:* attempting to drive the fanboys back with a lamp*
Zack:*carrying Cloud over his shoulder as he runs towards the exit door, only to be tackled by a ten year old and stopped long enough for the rest of the fangirls to catch them*
Kunsel:*suddenly appears very close to the camera* Well this looks like the end of the show! Join us again next time here on Cirque De Shinra!
Fangirl: KUNSEL! *tackles Kunsel to the ground, last thing camera catches is Kunsel's helmet being thrown before shutting off*
Author's Note: I have so much fun writing stories like this. Anyway, if you want to ask a character a question just message it to me and I'll include it in the next chapter. Oh, and there might be a special guest star making an appearance next chapter. His name is…..AXEL! Haha, I always wanted him and Reno to meet. So this is how it's going to happen. Well, thanks for reading!