Kunsel: Hello everyone! Welcome to another episode of Cirque De Shinra! Kunsel here with all of your favorite characters! And now let's welcome our guest for this show, Dante Sparada!
Dante: *walks onto stage, smiling at waving at the audience. Takes seat next to Sephiroth*
Genesis: He's stealing my style! Look! I wore it first! *gestures to red leather coat*
Dante: Who are you?
Kunsel: AND HERE IS OUR FIRST QUESTION! Addressed to Professor Hojo!
Question: Right I said I meant it in a psychological way. While you are probably a psychopath, a sociopath, who experimented on your wife and unborn child, broke Vincent's spirit, ruined Aerith's childhood, and many other things I am sure fans are unaware of, you are a genius. I don't like it, but I'm willing to admit it. Can't say I'm surprised though, I figured something like that might happen. Signed, KHGiggle.
Hojo: Ugh, you again? You seem to like to play on emotions, so I can only assume you are nothing but a weak human. A psychopath? In order to realize your true potential you must not let pathetic human emotions get in your way. My wife knew what she was there for, to bear my child. And as for my son, everything I did to my son made him stronger, better, unstoppable! As for the idiot TURK, he shouldn't have meddled in business that was of no concern to him. And the Cetra? She belongs in my labrotories.
Vincent: You killed Lucrecia, you are more a monster then I ever will be.
Hojo: Oh shut it you angst fest.
Sephiroth: I am not his son. He is not my father. The only relation he is to me is my tormentor.
Aerith: I thank you for your concern and care, but it made us all stronger. So don't be too upset for us.
Kunsel: Well, that was rather serious. Now it's time for our next question! Addressed to Genesis Rhapsodos!
Question: Are you a vampire? Signed, KHGiggle.
Genesis:…I'm sorry love, I think you have me confused with that cross-dresser. *gestures towards Dante*
Dante: I'm half demon jackass, but I don't hold it against you. Those chemicals from that cheap hair dye must be doing something to your fuckwad of a brain.
Genesis: I AM ALL NATURAL YOU BASTARD!
Dante: Yeah, an all natural ass hole.
Kunsel: NEXT QUESTION! This one is for everyone's favorite Remnant Kadaj!
Cid: Who the hell would call him our favorite? *flicks cigarette, hits Hojo*
Hojo: I will perform a series of extremely painful experiments on your tentacles causing them to-
Kadaj: TELL ME WHAT THE DAMN QUESTION IS!
Question: How do you feel about Yuffie comparing you to larva? Signed, lilith dracul.
Kadaj: She's an idiot. Mother tells me not to pay attention to the stupidity of humans. Especially female humans.
Dante: You ever been laid before?
Kadaj: I have no time for such distractions! All my time is dedicated to finding Mother!
Tifa: Are you sure you want to find your "Mother" again?
Kadaj: Why wouldn't I?!
Tifa: Because the last time you found your "Mother" you turned into Sephiroth.
Cloud: That was awkward. You should have seen them when they first met. Kadaj was still General Sephiroth. No one could tell them apart. Until Kadaj called me "Big brother."
Kunsel: Alright alright, time for the next question! This is addressed to our favorite ex-TURK Vincent Valentine!
Question: Why exactly aren't you trying to kill Hojo right now? I mean, he DID sort of screw you and Lucrecia over with the whole Chaos and Deepground thing. Signed, Knightmare Frame Razgriz
Vincent:…do to the contract I signed, I am not allowed to cause harm to the sociopath on camera. However, off camera is another matter entirely.
Hojo: Are you a friend of that KHGiggle? You both seem to have warped conceptions of me.
Reno: They aren't warped conceptions yo. You're just a fucked up person.
Kunsel: SHUT UP AND LET ME SAY THE NEXT QUESTION! This question goes out to our little cadet Cloud Strife!
Question: Have you ever caught any of the First Classes in odd situations while going about your daily duties? If so, please do tell. Signed, Knightmare Frame Razgriz.
Cloud: Where do I even begin…there was the time I caught Commander Rhapsodos dressed up as Vincent and attempting to bite Tseng.
Genesis: I TOLD YOU TO NEVER SPEAK OF THAT CADET!
Dante: So you are a vampire huh?
Genesis: SHUT IT YOU UNCULTURED BAFOON! *throws a lightning materia at Dante*
Yuffie: *intercepts materia* MINE ALL MINE!
Cloud: Then there was the time I caught Commander Hewley twerking to Rihanna.
Zack:…Angeal?
Angeal: *blushing* I have no idea what that Cadet is talking about.
Genesis: Did you happen to catch that on tape?
Reno: I did yo. Two hundred gil for a copy
Cloud: And then I caught the General dressed up as Gwen Stefani and singing "Hollaback Girl".
Genesis: *howling in laughter on the floor*
Zack: Seriously Sephiroth?
Sephiroth: I will kill you Strife.
Yuffie: You already tried that, a lot.
Barrett: AND YOU FAILED FOOL!
Rufus: Must you always scream? Did you lose your hearing as well as a hand?
Barrett: YOU SHINRA DOGS ARE THE REASON WHY I LOST MY HAND!
Rufus: And I am proud of that.
Kunsel: Alright thanks fan! And the next question goes out to….the author/producer of Cirque De Shinra! You can all call her Kay!
Question: Did you ever think about adding the Tsviets to the story? That would be a lot of craziness. You don't have too, just a thought.
Kay: *pops up next to Kunsel* Well actually I have been seriously considering that. I was only waiting for someone to request them be added. So you can believe they will be in the next episode!
Genesis: Wait wait wait, there are far too many idiots on this set already. I don't want to deal with anymore brainless fools!
Kay: Shut it Genesis! It would be interesting and you know it! Besides, you could drool over Weiss.
Genesis: *speechless*
Zack: She called you out Genesis!
Kay: Well, back to the show! And remember, you all signed contracts so NO KILLING EACH OTHER OR I'LL CASTRATE YOU!
Reno: Why do you assume it will only be the guys who kill someone yo!? That's sexist!
Kay: Because the guys are the ones who start all the fights. Kunsel ask the next question!
Kunsel: With pleasure! The next question is to Sephiroth!
Question: Why did you cut off Jenova's head in the reactor?
Sephiroth: Jenova was controlling me. I wanted to be under my own influence when I destroyed the wretched planet.
Rufus: But now he has been completely healed and is mentally stable so he will not be attempting to destroy the planet any time soon.
Sephiroth:…Whatever you say Mr. Vice President.
Kunsel: AND wow look at that we have another question! This is to our Vice President Rufus Shinra!
Rufus:*sigh* very well.
Question: Have you heard the rumors going around that a certain Director of SOLDIER might be your half-brother?
Rufus:….I noticed in your question you said rumors. Because that is what they are. Rumors. Please send in your name so that I may send one of my TURKs to attend to your concerns personally.
Zack: YOU HEARD WHAT KAY SAID RUFUS!
Rufus: Shut up you annoying mako enhanced dog!
Kay: *voice can be heard outside of studio* I'LL DO IT RUFUS! I SWEAR TO ODIN I WILL CUT THEM OFF!
Lazard: What is the problem Rufus? You don't want me as an older brother? Or are you afraid I would rival you for presidency once our….I apologize, I mean your father dies?
Kunsel: TIME FOR THE NEXT QUESTION! This is addressed to our General Sephiroth!
Question: Sephiroth did I see you at the Honey Bee Inn? You were…sitting on a man's lap, although your eyes looked a bit strange.
Sephiroth: Damn it Genesis I told you to stop doing that. If you want to be a whore, do it under your own reputation.
Genesis: You are absolutely right fan! That was Sephiroth! And his eyes were strange because he does drugs! Take that as a lesson children! You don't want to be like drug using, whores like the General! You want to be like me!
Sephiroth: A man who dresses like his superior, does drugs, and whores himself out.
Kunsel: WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT IT'S TIME FOR THE LAST QUESTION OF THE DAY! This is addressed to all of us.
Question:…I'm coming for you. I'm under your seats. I'm waiting.
All: *long silence*
Zack: I don't want to check. Someone else check.
Sephiroth: *checks under seat* AHHH! *pulls head up, there's a crab stuck to his nose*
Cid: WHAT THE HELL!?
*Crabs begin coming out from under all the chairs and couches*
Reno: OWWWW! *jumps out of seat, there's a crab stuck to his ass*
Yuffie: GET ME OUTTA HERE!
*stranger jumps down from the rafters, dressed in a crab suit*
Crab Man: MWHAHAHAHA! I AM THE CRAB LORD!
Kay: DAMN IT WHO LET THIS GUY IN!
Kunsel: And we have reached the conclusion of this episode of Cirque De Shinra! Join us again next ti-AAHAAHHHHHH GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!
*camera lowers to see crab attached to Kunsel's groin*
Author's Note: I love this chapter. Ok, so the Tsviets will joining the crew on the next episode feel free to send in some questions for them. And the next guest star will be…Riku! Ok? Great! And I normally don't like doing this, but I published a story that I have high hopes for. So please go check out A Soldier's Story! Thanks so much for reading and for all of your support! Oh, and feel free to send in requests for guest stars.