Kunsel: Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of the hit television show Cirque De Shinra! Please help me welcome the newest members to our show, the Tsviets!
Weiss: I did not agree to this.
Rufus: Yes you did. It was in the conditions of your surrender and peace treaty.
Weiss: I saw nothing that mentioned this!
Rufus: Then you should learn to read the fine print.
Nero: Must we do this brother?
Weiss: Apparently so.
Kunsel: And now another warm welcome for our guest star for this show, Riku Destiny!
Riku: It's great to be here with all of you. I've read a lot about the stuff you've all done. *takes a seat next to Loz*
Loz: *stares*
Riku: *stares*
Loz:…brother?
Kunsel: And here's our first question! This is addressed to none other then Tifa Lockhart!
Question: If you had to choose between marrying Rufus (divorce not allowed) or French kissing Sephiroth for an hour, what will it be? You must choose! Signed lapaxlove.
Tifa: Who said I have to choose!? I won't do it!
*midget runs onto stage and hands Kunsel a note, runs off*
Kunsel: Nope, boss said you have to Tifa! She said if you don't she release those pictures from the Christmas party to the press.
Tifa: THAT'S NOT FAIR!
Zack: *looks up from Sephiroth action figure* Huh?
Genesis: JUST ANSWER THE BLOODY QUESTION!
Tifa: *sigh* I guess… I would French kiss Sephiroth for an hour.
Cloud: Really?
Tifa: They didn't say I couldn't bite him during that time.
Sephiroth: I would impale you with Masamune before you had the chance.
Yuffie: BOSS SAID NO IMPALING ON THE SET! Especially after she caught Genesis and Angeal in the dressing-
Genesis: FINISH THAT SENTENCE AND I'LL FRY YOU!
Kunsel: NEXT QUESTION TIME! This is addressed to…all of us.
Reno: *screams and crawls over Rude* NO MORE CRABS!
Rude: *grunts and pushes Reno to the floor*
Question: Wow, you guys are all so awesome! Can I please give you all a hug? Signed, DreamerJ.
Weiss: What kind of question is that?
Zack:….you want to hug Hojo?
Hojo: What are you implying Mr. Fair?
Zack:…..you're creepy.
Yuffie: I know I am irresistible! But I don't go around just hugging random people you know!
Kadaj: You are not irresistible. You are delusional.
Yuffie: YOU'RE NOT EVEN A REAL PERSON!
Zack: HEY THAT WAS TOO FAR YUFFIE!
Yazoo: Don't cry Loz.
Loz: But-but that girl is m-mean! *sniffles*
Genesis: Great, now that he's started he won't stop for hours.
Kunsel: WE ARE MOVING ON TO THE NEXT QUESTION! This is addressed to the leader of the Tsviets, Weiss!
Question: How many bottles of gel are used to keep your hair in style? Signed, Kiku.
Weiss: What is the reason behind all of these fans obsessions with our hair?
Zack: Because our hair is awesome.
Rufus: Perhaps you didn't read the entire contract, but you must answer all of your questions. SO ANSWER IT SO WE CAN MOVE ON!
Cloud: He's edgy today.
Tseng: Yes, the coffee machine upstairs is broken.
Weiss: I do not use any "gel" on my hair.
Kunsel: Our next question is addressed to our Vice President Rufus Shinra!
Rufus:…If I must.
Nero: You must Mr. Shinra.
Question: Would you rather have a laugh like Scarlett or Heidegger? You have to answer or be impaled by Masamune!
Sephiroth: Do not bring myself and my Masamune into these ridiculous questions.
Rufus: I would rather be impaled by Masamune then have either of those damned sounds belonging to myself.
.Genesis: WELL YOU HEARD HIM SEPHIROTH IMPALE HIM!
Sephiroth: Genesis…
Genesis: Yes Sephy dear?
Sephiroth: Shut your mouth for once.
Kunsel: And our next question is to Professor Hojo!
Question: Yes, I am human. A perfectly normal human. I may be weak physically (I'm five foot and can't seem to put on weight) but I don't know if I'm weak mentally or psychologically as I've never been in a situation to test that. On a side note I have never met Vincent and probably never will since I don't get out much. Signed, KHGiggle.
Hojo: Girl, I am beginning to wonder whether you are stalking me or simply a fool. But I promise you this, spend a weak in my labs dear and you will have the answer to your psychologically strength. I guarantee it. And as for Mr. Valentine, you two should get on famously considering you are both anti-social.
Yuffie: SHUT UP HOJO YOU BIG JERK! *hits Hojo with pillow*
Kunsel: Let's move on to the next question. This is addressed to our guest star Riku Destiny!
Riku: Lay it on me.
Question: Riku are you related to Sephiroth? There's a bit of an unfortunate resemblance there… Signed, KHGiggle.
Riku: *looks at Sephiroth* I don't know. Well Mr. General, are you my old man?
Genesis: WHAT!? YOU HAVE A CHILD!?
Hojo: I've always wanted grandchildren I could alter…I mean pamper.
Sephiroth: I am not your father. I have not ever had intercourse before.
Reno: Wait what? You're a virgin yo?
Sephiroth: Yes. What is the problem with that?
Reno: It's just, women practically throw themselves at your feet yo. Why the hell haven't you done something about that?
Sephiroth: I've no desire to.
Genesis: Ladies and Gentlemen, Sephiroth the asexual.
Tseng: I think we should move on from the topic of General Sephiroth's sexual experience.
Kunsel: I couldn't have said it better myself! Our next question is for Avalanche leader Barrett!
Question: Are you Mr. T? Or at least related to him in some way? Signed, KHGiggle.
Barrett: WHO THE HELL IS DIS MR. T FOOL?!
Kay: *pops up next to Barrett* Hello audience, I would like to reminded you that they *gestures to gathered characters* are not from our world. So they have no idea who any of our celebrities are and such. The only celebrities they know of are the ones I bring in from our world. Sephiroth's knowing of Gwen Stefani is only because I compared the two of them and when he didn't know what I was talking about I showed him the downloadable album. By the way, if anyone is looking to go on vacation in Gaia they have excellent cell service. But I could say that Sephiroth reminded me of Justin Bieber and he would have no idea what I was talking about. So if you are going to ask a question involving a celebrity, a brief description would be extremely helpful to these little darlings.
Sephiroth: Who is this Justin Bieber?
Kay: Don't worry about it Seph. Kunsel next question time!
Kunsel: You got it! Our next question is addressed to all of us!
Question: What is your guilty pleasure? Signed, lilitachisama
Kunsel: Well mine is easy! I love spyiiii-er seeing what all of my friends are up to, especially when they least expect it.
Rufus: COFFEE! GODS DAMN COFFEE IS MY GUILY PLEASURE!
Reno:…Do I have to yo?
Kunsel: Kay said yes.
Reno: You know those dress up games you can play on the computer? Yeah…
Genesis: That's so manly Reno!
Reno: What's yours yo!
Genesis: Midgar Gossip.
Angeal: Well…I enjoy…in my spare time…those Cheater shows. Kay has an extensive collection that she allows me to borrow.
Zack: MY LITTLE PONY! Kay gave me one year for Christmas and it was just the most adorable thing ever! Oh, and I like covering Cloud in whipped cream and-
Cloud: ZACK!
Zack: Heh, sorry Spikey.
Cloud: Er, um, my guilty pleasure is…Lisa Frank stickers. I collect them.
Rude: ….Bugs.
Reno: What do you mean partner?
Rude: Anything to do with bugs.
Tseng:….Scented candles of all sorts.
Elena: Oh…I…um…enjoy working very much.
Reno: Ha! She just likes spending time with Ts-*being strangled by Elena*
Cissnei: Don't kill him. Spicy food. ALL kinds of spicy food.
Yuffie: MATERIA! ALL THE MATERIA IS MINE!
Barrett: OPERA FOOL!
Sephiroth:….This Gwen Stefani is…pleasant to listen to.
Tifa: Well, I love those chocolate covered cherries.
Cloud: Tifa you hate cherries.
Tifa: I know that, they stick to Rufus's car though.
Rufus: YOU'VE BEEN THE ONE DOING THAT!
Vincent:….Karaoke.
Nero: Brother, I do not wish to do this.
Weiss: Do it Nero.
Nero: *sigh*….masturbation.
*awkward silence*
Kay: MOVE ON!
Weiss:…I…well… really brother?
Nero: This is why I did not want to do this.
Weiss:…Card games.
Rosso: Sky diving dears.
Azul:…Chess.
Shelke: Not having Lucrecia memories take over my own for a time.
Kadaj:…kittens.
Loz: POTATO GUNS!
Kadaj: GROW UP LOZ!
Yuffie: YOU SAID KITTENS!
Yazoo: Being away from my brothers.
Aeirth: I love horror movies!
Hojo:…everything I do would be considered a guilty pleasure in the eyes of those with "morals".
Riku: Surfing. On a dolphin.
Kunsel: That was a long time in answering. Oh well! Time for the next question! This is addressed to Rufus Shinra!
Question: *holding DNA test results in hand* It has been confirmed that Lazard is indeed your older-half brother. What are you going to do now? Signed, lilitachisama
Rufus:…you must have obtained a sample of my blood in order to carry out that DNA test. You assaulted me. TSENG KILL THAT IDIOT!
Lazard: Well, I thank you for proving the rumors true. It is appreciated.
Tseng: Yes s-
Kay: *shouting from outside of studio* NO KILLING THE VIEWERS! KUNSEL ASK THE NEXT QUESTION!
Kunsel: AH! Ok! This is to our General!
Question: Would you believe that Vincent is might be father? You two look very similar; it's just an observation. I refuse to let Hojo claim you as his son. Signed lilitachisama
Hojo: You have no control over who I claim as my-
Sephiroth: It is plausible. However I do not care enough to bother finding out. It doesn't matter to me who my father is.
Vincent:….It is….possible.
Loz: Does that make Vincent our grandpa?
Sephiroth: I am not your father either.
Genesis: You are the worst parent I have ever met.
Sephiroth: I am sure I am a better parent then you would be.
Kunsel: NO ARGUING! Next question! This is to our Crimson Commander Genesis Rhapsodos!
Question: Who wrote the 5th act of LOVELESS? Signed lilitachisama
Genesis: I have spent all of my life studying this poem, and have yet to come up with that answer myself. I imagine, it was Gaia's champion once he had been reborn from the Lifestream.
Yuffie: Why do you assume the champion is a boy!? YOU SEXIST!
Genesis: It is the only logical answer. I don't expect you to understand.
Sephiroth: Nor do we expect you to understand.
Kunsel: ANNNND OUR NEXT QUESTION IS TO CID HIGHWIND!
Question: Have you ever thought of proposing to Shera? She been with you for
Gaia knows how long. Signed lilitachisama
Cid: What business is it o' yours if I perpos' to my damn women!?
Kunsel: Next question! Addressed to every ones favorite baldy Rude!
Question: Is it true you have a crush on Tifa? Signed lilitachisama
Rude:….*begins to blush*
Reno: Does that answer your question yo?
Kunsel: And the last question of the show goes to the quietest of the Remnants Yazoo!
Question: How in the hell do you put with Kadaj and Loz? Signed lilitachisama
Yazoo: Very simple; ear plugs. And they have quite a lot of mako in them so if I shoot them they heal relatively quickly.
Kunsel: Well that concludes this episode of Cirque De-!
Random person: THEY ESCAPED I DON'T KNOW HOW BUT THEY DID!
Zack: What escaped!?
Random Person: THE TENTACLE MONSTERS!
*giant tentacle comes out of the hallway and grabs Zack, dragging him into the hall*
Zack: AHHHHH ITS GONNA RAPE ME!
Kunsel: AND THIS CONCLUDES THIS EPISODE OF CIRQUE DE SHINRA JOIN US NEXT- DON'T LET IT TOUCH ME!
Author's Note: Well…Tentacle monsters. Hehe, I liked it. Anyway, the next episode the cast members will be taking "dare" requests. So send in some dares if you want! Any question I didn't get to will be added to the next episode! Thank you for all of your support!