chapter three: I'd like some Earl Grey with a side of beheading, please!
Yachi Hitoka is in Wonderland.
She's fainted about seven times, which cannot be good for her health. So far, there's been the endless physics defying fall, a flying talking cat, walking taking playing cards which are actually guards with spears, an insanely beautiful woman dressed in Captain Of The Red Guards material, a ridiculous amount of objects which Hitoka didn't thing possible to come in red, a red castle, and an equally red jail.
Did she mention she was in jail? She's been in this new world for what, a few hours and she's already accumulated a criminal record.
Fainting spell #8 isn't too far off.
Kozume's explanation does little to return her heart to a normal staccato.
So, apparently, Kozume can travel in books. Which, according to Kozume's jurisdiction, is enough of an explanation for Hitoka to understand everything. Hitoka, for her part, doesn't understand anything. At all. Least of all the jumping in books part.
However, it's not like there's any other plausible exposition Hitoka can wrap her head any easier than that one. So she believes it. Kozume Kenma Can Jump Into Books is a hair better than Yachi Hitoka Dies After Traumatic Creative Writing.
Barely.
She doesn't really have time to think much on it when she remembers she left Dinah at home alone.
"Oh no, how—how long have we been here? Oh god, I left my cat a-alone. I don't know if she has enough food and water and—and—Oh god—"
"Time works differently here," Kozume says immediately. The tears leaking at Hitoka's cheeks hold. Kozume sits cross-legged, his back against the wall, a little ways behind her where she's kneeling in approximately the center of the cell. He doesn't meet her eye when she looks at him. It's something Hitoka had noticed he's never done, at least, with her.
"When we go back... it will be the same time we left."
Hitoka breaths just a little easier at that even if she doesn't exactly understand how. If everything is the same when she gets back, that means she still has to get to has her three hour lab after this. She has no idea how she is going to do any experiments when her hands still haven't stopped shaking. The saving grace of falling into Wonderland, however, is that it served as a distraction long enough to swivel her journey away from The Spiral Of Doom And Gloom, which Hitoka is always, always grateful for.
Which reminds her of something else. How are they supposed to leave Wonderland? Do they have to climb back up the hour long fall? Hitoka isn't very good at climbing. Or do they have fall into another book? She doesn't even understand how they fell in the first one—
"We have to wait 24 hours... then we can go back."
Hitoka hadn't known she was such an open book.
"O-oh…ok," she says lamely. She hesitates once, before getting up gingerly and walking carefully over to Kozume. He watches her rather confusedly as she fidgets. She manages to steel herself somehow and slide in a way next to him. Pushing her thumbs together, she finally manages to say, "Thank you, Kozume-kun."
Hitoka doesn't need to be perceptive like Kozume to know he's confused.
She smiles just a little at the scrunch in his brow.
"You... you tried to grab my hand, to stop me from falling," she says. "So, um, thank you. For that. I-I'm sorry this happened."
Kozume doesn't say anything to that for a long time, and Hitoka is almost just going to leave it at that, when he goes, "I eat plot bunnies."
Hitoka has no idea what that means. Did she miss something in the conversation?
"W-what?"
He finally turns away, and some hair slides away to show his ears.
"I, uh, for Creative Writing. There are plot bunnies here, so, I, um... Kuro catches them for me, and if I eat one, I get... inspiration. That's why I... I didn't know how to help you."
It's the most he's ever spoken to her, and all Hitoka can do is think of Kozume Kenma covered in blood butchering the fluffy white bunnies she watches videos about to calm her nerves.
Her face goes pale, then green, and than a sort of pale green which cannot be good.
"You eat them?" she asks, out of a sort of desperation for the answer to be a resounding no.
"Yeah." Kozume shifts his feet together. "They respawn afterwards."
Hitoka is going to throw up.
The red wooden door at the far right unhinges and slams the wall with a thud.
"I've finally secured your innocence," exasperates the Captain of the Royal Red Guard. Her red boots click against the paved crimson rock as she strides over to their cell. Hitoka curls up a little closer onto herself and just the tiniest bit closer to Kozume as the woman runs a hand through her silver bangs and places a hand to her hip.
Hitoka is both thoroughly petrified and in complete awe of the terrifying beautiful woman. Not only does she probably have her own knightly fanclub from how pretty she is, but she could also probably cleave Hitoka in half without batting an eye. The dress uniform in complete crimson, from shirt to buttons to badges to cuffs to those little tussle like things, do little to hinder the image.
"There's been a condition placed while I bargained for your sinlessness, however."
And then the pale woman in copious amounts of red smiles a smile like the terrifying beautiful predator Hitoka thinks her to be.
"My queen would like to drink a cup of tea with your faint-hearted friend."
Suddenly, foreign fantasy criminal record sounds wonderful compared to teatime with foreign fantasy queen. The amount of possible things that could go wrong is turning Hitoka a new shade of pale which has never existed before. She would rather fail Creative Writing or even eat a plot bunny whole than put herself in a situation as nerve wrecking as teatime with foreign fantasy queen.
"No," is what she's trying to say with her attempts at getting words out of her mouth. She's suddenly so much grateful for Bunny Devouring Kozume Kenma at her side than she's ever been before.
The red captain of the guards leans against the bars, the cruel smile plastered to her face like glue.
"Teatime or beheading," she reiterates menacingly, eyes closed in glee. "I'm quite a fan of both."
Teatime or beheading, teatime or beheading, teatime or beheading, teattimeorbeheading— Hitoka's mind promptly explodes at the endless horrible possibilities, and Fainting Spell #8 pounces and catches absolutely no one by surprise.
When Hitoka wakes up, Fainting Spell #9 nearly takes her.
Someone has changed her clothes while she was out. She had not been previously wearing a red pinup which hugs the sides she (sobbingly) doesn't have, and shows off the cleavage she (super sobbingly) doesn't sport. Nor had she been sitting on a red leather sofa in this red room before. Nor has she been on Wonderland without Kozume in sight.
"K-Kozume-kun?!"
The resounding silence is quick to a send Hitoka to her feet.
She nearly toppled over because those are certainly not the sneakers she'd been wearing around her feet.
She peers down and finds red stilettos sharp enough to kill a man attached to her pale feet.
Hitoka does not do heels. People who wear heels normally walk and occasionally trip. Hitoka, however, is the type of person who normally trips and occasionally walks.
A tumble and a flying fall perfect enough to make any volleyball player jealous later, Hitoka, with a very weary sigh, removes the heels and walks barefoot to the big red door.
She reaches out to the handle just as it swings open.
She jumps back, nearly tripping. An arm snakes around her waist and stops her fall, and Hitoka comes face to face with the captain of the red guard.
The cruel smile is ten times more intense up close. Hitoka hopes the goosebumps ricocheting over her skin aren't visible.
"Have a nice little nap, my lady?" Hitoka could never faint long enough if she is being sent right back to the atrocious decision which had made her faint in the first place. "Well, you've napped quite enough. Come, the queen awaits."
"Shiro!"
Hitoka gets the shortest-lived reprieve. It's short because a six foot catman bounds over, a fluffy black tail swishing behind him, with a squirming child dangling from his mouth. The child continues to thrash and shout things like, "Let me go, you stupid cat!" even as catman stops short of them and all but dumps the child on the floor. It's about then Hitoka notices the round ears with orange tuffs that match the little girl's hair, and the long thin tail poking out just as the child tries to dart.
The captain of the red guard grabs her by tattered shirt covering her back and lifts her up off the floor.
The redhead with round ears reminding Hitoka of Micky Mouse continues to thrash and kick about as the captain of the red guard turns to catman with a raised eyebrow.
"And this is supposed to be what exactly..?"
"It's a present!" He beams, and Hitoka doesn't know what to make of the six foot catman who looks like he wants to be praised for bringing home a mouse—
Wait.
"Let me go! Let me go!"
Hitoka's heart immediately goes out to the so very young mouse child. She is impossibly grateful the catman didn't do the... cat thing and bring something a little less alive to the captain of the red guard. That would've certainly introduced Hitoka rather intimately to Fainting Spell #9.
"And what am I to do with this gift of yours exactly..?"
"That's up to you! You could eat it—"
Hitoka and the mouse child go impossibly still at that. Hitoka tries very hard not to think of Plot Bunny and Mice Children stew.
"—or maybe even have a nyew tiny knyight on the team!"
The catman coos at the petrified mouse child as Hitoka tries to process if she'd heard that right. Was it just her, or was there a cat's meow in place of the n's in that sentence? A sort of... cat lisp?
The captain of the red guard eyes the mouse child dangling from her hand with an unreadable expression. Hitoka really, really, really hopes she goes with the latter. She never ever ever wants to see a child die before her eyes.
Not that she'd let it happen without a fight. Maybe. She is sure she would at least try to do something.
"I suppose we require more creatures with exemption of beheading. It makes managing our lovely Queen's sporadic needs for death much simpler," says the captain, and Hitoka breathes a sigh of utter relief. The mouse child opens her mouth at that, however, and Hitoka fears they are not completely out of the Eat Mouse Child For Dinner woods yet when the captain continues, "Of course, the exemption of beheading goes for the knight and their families."
The last statement brings hope Hitoka hadn't known was even gone rushing back to the mouse child's face. The captain places her back on the ground, and the mouse child continues to look at the captain like she's given her the greatest secret of the universe. There's so much desperate hope in her features, Hitoka feels a little bad.
What had the child gone through to ever lead her to make such a face?
"It... it does?" asks the redhead mouse child, and god, Hitoka is two seconds always from hugging her to her chest. The mouse child's eyes shine, like she can't believe this is all really happening, and Hitoka is one measly second away from The Hug.
"Of course. The Red Queen gives all her knights special exemptions to many a thing." The captain of the red guard points down the length of the corridor. "Now run along that way until you come across a woman with hair of a crow and attire just like mine. Tell her Shiro sent you."
The mouse child follows the hand and scans the end of the corridor. Hitoka can practically see the hope fill the little child's heart. The mouse child looks between the end of the corridor and the captain a few more times before throwing her tiny arms around the captain's legs with a "Thank you!" and then rushing down the hallway.
The catman sidles up next to the captain with a grin worthy of his namesake.
"Man, sometimes I wonder what would Queenie do if she knew how soft you are on the inside."
The captain of the red guard turns to him with a smile capable of singlehandedly culling the greatest of humanity.
"I should show my gratitude for your gift as quickly as possible." The captain mocks a thinking pose before snapping her fingers. "I know. Have you ever been defenestrated? I hear it works wonder for the heart."
The fluffy black tails whips as catman asks excitedly, "No. What is that?"
The captain of the red guard smiles blithely, grabs the back of cat man's shirt, pivots of her heel and throw the six foot man across the room and out the window. It all happens so fast Hitoka almost misses it, only comprehending what happened after she hears the echoing yowl getting fainter and fainter.
The captain of the red guard slaps her hand together. "Now that that's over with, I think we've kept my Queen waiting long enough."
Hitoka's arm is looped around the woman's and she is dragged bodily out of the room. The plaster stone tiles are cold against the skin of her feet, and Hitoka becomes very increasingly aware of the palace she is in.
It's magnificently ridiculous. The red arcs spiraling up and connecting to a chandelier dazzling with every red shade known to man. The sculpted flowers and vines scattered around the walls, tangling around and up like the most beautiful ordered chaos. The columns holding it all up are shaped like the redwood of a tree trunk, all clear cut ridged edges perfect in their imperfections. Hitoka has seen pictures of palaces before, but nothing quite like this.
The captain of the red guard leads her through one of the arches leading outside and Hitoka's breath catches in her throat.
If the inside is gorgeous disorder, the outside is marvelous nitpicky precision.
Hitoka is so used to seeing red, seeing green is a shocker. The bushes on either side of the red stone path are cut with mad accuracy. Not a single leaf brushes Hitoka while they walk. The red roses dotting the bushes are all separated by the exact same distance. Not a single one of the petals deviates from the trend. The path and the bushes open up to a patio worthy of a—
Hitoka squeaks as the captain of the red guard pulls her close, just out of range of a flying teacup.
"You're late! Do you know how long you've kept the Queen waiting—"
"Forgive my ill-mannered interjection, but I choose to consider we are, in fact,early, Lady Mika."
'Lady Mika' has a glare hot enough to melt steel. The fire of her hair and of her flowing ballroom gown further strengthen the image. There is a shimmering red shale over her shoulders and dipping around her crossed arms. She clicks her tongue and humphs with a disapproving sound.
"Is Clockwork still not back from that vacation of his?"
Hitoka is too busy staring at the woman lounging in an armchair who cannot possibly be anyone other than the Red Queen.
If Hitoka had thought she was showing too much skin, the deep dip in the Red Queen's cleavage alone is enough to put those thoughts to rest. How she manages to show more skin than Hitoka when her long flowing gown dips down to touch the floor is beyond Hitoka. Maybe it's because the sleeves flare out as the Queen brings a palm to her face, or how easily her legs are exposed when she crosses them, or maybe just the how the color is the closest thing to what a person with red skin would look like that has Hitoka with ears as red as the palace.
The golden crown embodied with rubies fits perfectly on the blonde of her head. And Hitoka almost, almost gets lost in the beautiful amber shade of her eyes when the Red Queen opens her mouth with a snarl and slams a fist on the table.
"Who's grand idea was it to give Koushi a break? I should chop their head off!"
"It was yours, my queen," chirps the captain. Hitoka squeaks as the Red Queen glares at them.
"And you're both supposed to stop my bad decisions, aren't ya? Off with both your heads!"
Hitoka never gets to look at both of them in terror as Lady Mika just sighs and the captain chuckles at this.
"And when exactly will my beheading finally come, your highness?" asks Lady Mika wearily, her heels clicking against the stone as she moves to sit in a chair adjacent to the Red Queen.
"Yes, my queen, inform me when I may finally be put to rest," asks the captain with inappropriate cheer. "I do love watching you get around your own orders."
The Red Queen grins wickedly, and opens her mouth, but Lady Mika beats her to it.
"If you say tomorrow, then it will never come. If you say yesterday, then it has already happened. And if you say now, then it has already passed," articulates Lady Mika, humming after a pleasing degustation of the tea she had just poured herself. She smiles as the Queen scowls. "Is there anything else you would like to try? This is our one hundredth and fifth rendition of this conversation after all."
The Red Queen slams a fist hard enough on the table to make Lady Mika jump back, nearly dropping her teacup.
"I demand a fucking solution to this stupid mumbo jumbo! Someone go find Koushi now so I can give him a piece of my mind!"
Lady Mika looks like she's been stricken with the greatest enlightenment in the world. Exactly like when Hitoka finds a solution to a particularly hard math problem.
"You're a genius, your highness! That's a brilliant idea!"
The Red Queen scrunches her brow, and even Hitoka can read the 'I am?' in her expression. But it's quickly replaced by a tilt to her head and a grin to her lips.
"Of course I am! Who do you think you're talking to, eh?"
The Red Queen continues to glow brighter and brighter as Lady Mika sings her praise. Hitoka is starting to feel her pride from all the way over where she's standing.
She wishes she had some of it.
"How long do you plan to stand there like a slack-jawed buffoon? Come join us for a sip of celebratory tea and tell us tales of your world."
Between the impulsive Red Queen, Lady Mika's sharp tongue, and the captain of the red guard's doubtful loyalty, Hitoka is certain she's going to die of nerves before this teatime ends.
Or of beheading. There isn't much of a difference in Hitoka's books, to be honest.