chapter four: Breaking out of a sports anime is just as easy as I make it look
Kozume Kenma is going to find a way to resurrect Lewis Carrol so he can kill him.
"Yeah, so Koushi was whining and all like, 'I'm sick and tired of this stupid job!' You nyow, his usual. And then our super awesome Queen was all like, 'if you hate it so much, then just quit!'" Kuro snickers. "Nyobody's seen hair or tail of him since."
Not even the outrageously stupid (and cute) cat lisp can make Kenma feel any better.
Honestly, he should've expected something like this. The timeline here was already out of whack. There are times when Kenma has taken two consecutive jumps two days apart, and when he lands in Wonderland, they tell him it's been years since his last visit. There are also times when Kenma doesn't jump for a month, and when he finally does, hours have supposedly passed since his previous one.
Kenma has no idea how Clockwork Koushi had even got the job of keeping time in the first place when he's so bad at it. But now he's gone and fucking quit, which leaves everyone in a never ending teatime, and Kenma and Yachi stuck in Wonderland.
Actually, there may be hope for them yet. They're not Wonderland residents, so there may be a chance time doesn't apply to them the same way it does to a Wonderlandian, so maybe if they wait for 24 hours they could go back home, but Kenma doubts it.
The thing with jumping is, you lose time off your lifespan each time. A day spent in a book is nothing in the real world. However, if Kenma were to say, jump 365 times, and spent at the very least the mandatory 24 hours in each, Kenma would be a year older than all his fellow peers. Double that, then he'd actually be twenty-one while Tora still rocked at nineteen. It's the price Kenma pays for sequestering away in fictional worlds. Something he can easily pay in increments, but never all at once.
They can't stay in this unpredictable equilibrium. He needs to find Yachi, and then figure something out that isn't Grumble In The Corner About The Unfairness Of The Universe.
Not that Yachi will be of much help, but it's not like Kenma can leave her here, even if he really, really wants to.
"Kuro, can you pick the lock?"
Kuro grins at him like the Chesire Cat he is.
"Oh, that's kitten's play."
On the border between spitefully leaving Yachi Hitoka in Wonderland and making sure she never has to see the Red Castle ever again, Kenma's stance shifts toward the latter just a bit.
Between the boisterous Red Queen Saeko, and the silver-tongued Duchess Mika, Yachi Hitoka is a newborn cub between two grown lionesses. Kenma hadn't even known it was possible for someone to look as petrified as Yachi is right now. She was already a short and petite girl to begin with, and, closed in on herself as she is now, she's a toddler next to the two royals.
Kenma has about an entire foot in Return Yachi Hitoka Home territory.
Saeko scowls darkly at him when he slips in next to Shiro.
"Why is the hell is his head still attached to his neck?"
Yachi somehow (really, the shade of her face is ridiculously pale. It's sort of impressive in a way) looks even more fearful at that, if the looks she sends him are anything to go by. It's like she's trying to shield him away through sheer force of will of something, even when she's the one who is about to knock her knees out.
Kenma doesn't really appreciate the sentiment.
"Oh, your highness, he's such a pitiful thing. Do you truly wish to end his poor life before he finds some enlightenment?" Shiro pontificates, lifting him off the ground by his underarms. Kenma tries to kick her and fails pathetically. She's isn't Captain of the Knights for nothing, after all.
"Yes, your highness, your foolish captain has a valid point. It won't do well to put down your hero before his quest is over after all."
Four people in the garden each gain a unique type of bafflement.
"You agree with me?" is the verbal manifestation of awed wonder on Shiro's part.
"Why the hell do I need a hero for something I can do myself?" is the sort of angry confusion only the Red Queen can pull off.
"Please no," is the desperate horror Yachi mouths, in a sort of compelled manor to defy something that is definitely going to happen.
"No," is the only response Kenma allows from himself, because whatever the Duchess has in store cannot possibly be something he'll like.
The Duchess lets them stew in silence as she takes a long sip of tea. It's after a delighted hum and a smile promising something Kenma definitely won't be a fan of does she say, "We must send someone to find Clockwork Koushi, do we not?"
It's worse than Kenma had imagined.
To be fair, all things Kenma doesn't like are worse than he imagines. The reason being a combination of both him not having the patience for any stage of anything he doesn't like, and his very limited imagination spam. If patience were a virtue he possessed, he wouldn't be as agitated as he is now, even if the quest they've forced him on under threat of stoning is something he shouldn't be particularly against.
"I'm sorry," Yachi tries again. She's apologized about triple the times she's fainted, which is a lot. It's not really her fault, but she hadn't really helped prevent anything either.
"It's nyot your fault! It wasn't like you could leave in the first place!" Kuro answers with unnecessary cheer. Kenma shoves him off his shoulders just in time to see Yachi stop abruptly, fear crisscrossing her face.
"We...we can't leave?"
Kenma is not dealing with this.
He keeps walking, not bothering to even wait for her. Even if she starts crying, Kenma will carry on. All will be well once they find Clockwork Koushi. He doesn't have to deal with this now, or ever. If Yachi is just going to keep crying or fainting or getting herself in situations which make even more work for Kenma, then he's going to leave her behind.
He doesn't have time for more liabilities with the remainder of their lives at stake.
"Hey." The furry weight against his neck is back. "Your friend looks pretty shaken back there. Aren't you gonna, you knyow, say something?"
"She's not my friend." Ok, so Kenma has resolved to kindergartener tactics to solve his problems. Which is fine. The world seemed like such a simple place when he was a kid. If reliving those years is what takes him back home, then so be it.
"Kenma, come on, don't be like that," Kuro whines, padding up Kenma's face to look behind them. "She looks really shaken. Kind of like you when your weird machine thing has a red light—"
"It's called a 3DS."
"—and it's making me sad. Sooo, do something about it?"
"Why don't you do something then?" Kenma attempts to keep walking, but then the weight around his shoulders increases, and he's now being held back by a six-foot tall catman.
"I am but a humble cat," says the stupid cat annoyingly. Kenma can feel the smirk without even seeing it. "You, on the other hand, are a human. Just like your friend. She'll take reassurance from you better than she would from a humble cat such as myself."
"I don't care." Kenma shoves Kuro off, ignoring the low tilt to his ears and how his puffy tail sticks close. For some reason though, instead of stalking off, Kenma just turns away, aiming his annoyance at the ground. Playing the kindergartner card with Yachi is fine, but with someone who is actually his friend, it makes him feel the slightest sense of regret. Which he tries really hard to stammer before Kuro can catch it but he's too late.
"For me?" he adds, with a small victorious grin like Kenma has already gone over and smoothed things over. Kenma releases a long, tired sigh, and fixes Kuro with his best I Really Don't Want To Do This expression.
"Oh, come on. You make it look like I'm telling you to go slay a jabberwocky or something! Just go over there, and say, 'It'll be alright. Leave it all to me.'" Kenma does not sound like that at all, nor would he ever say those words outside of any mandatory, video game protagonist dialogue context. The cringe across his face intensifies.
"Here," Kuro flings out his hand, and waggles his eyebrows and fingers manically, "I'll hold your hand."
Kenma, straight faced and no hesitation, takes the hand. Not because he actually needs it, but so he can relish in the sweet revenge that is watching Kuro's face glow up like a Christmas tree. That's how Kenma deals with the friends in his Think Their His Mom category; by being unexpectedly bold to catch them off guard.
Kuro immediately poofs back into a cat and swims through the air a good distance away from Kenma.
"Kenma!" he sputters in a hiss or a yowl or whatever sound a flustered cat makes. "Don't do that with—with that face!"
This is the same cat who makes dirty jokes and is trying to woo the captain of the red guards.
After throwing the most deadpan expression he can make at Kuro (who sticks out his tongue at it), Kenma steels himself and walks back over to Yachi.
She's... not crying at least. She's curled up at the bark of a nearby tree, however, looking like she really wants to be doing just that. Kenma wants to call it pathetic, but when he thinks about it, he'd practically told her she could never see her family and friends ever again. Or anything else from that world she may have held dear. Of course, Kenma hadn't meant to say that, nor was it an actual fact, it had just... come out that way.
He should fix this.
"Yachi," he begins, and she peers up at him so slowly, Kenma has to look away. He's not good at this, even more so with people he's never talked to before. He doesn't get why Yachi kept asking after him. Sure he's good at Creative Writing, but he never talks to anyone in that class. He barely knows the faces of his classmates, too. He's the last one to arrive and the first one to leave. He doesn't participate in any way outside of his assignments. He has no idea what Yachi Hitoka had seen in him and deemed worthy for asking questions.
But he guesses even if she's horrible at choosing people, he doesn't have to be an asshole about it.
"I, uh..." Choosing to not be an asshole, however, does not mean Kenma will suddenly gain the power to not mess this up more than he already has. "He didn't mean, um, when Kuro said we couldn't leave that, uh, it isn't something that... we just can't leave now. At this moment."
Great start, informs a sassy part in himself which sounds a lot like Kuro. However, hope seems to have bloomed inside Yachi somewhere along his words so Kenma continues despite literally everything.
"If we find Clockwork, we can leave. So, um, not leaving is just a temporary thing."
Yachi starts tearing up. Kenma has blown this to hell and back.
"W-we can go back?" she asks in a hoarse voice. Kenma realizes, rather stupidly, that the tears pooling at her cheeks are those of relief and not of despair. Which means he has actually done something correctly. He had gone into a social situation, with someone he barely knows, and ended it with a result he had wanted. He had done it. He just did it.
Kenma is sort of proud of himself.
"Yeah," he says, and woah, this feeling of accomplishment blooming inside of his chest is... really nice. "We can."
They can't do this. Whatever feelings of grandeur and hope his past self had felt were all wrong. There is no hope. They're going to be stuck here forever. Past Kenma was a fucking dumbass.
So, get this, they've been traveling around, asking whoever they meet along the path if they've heard where Clockwork Koushi might be, and, as Kenma's luck loves letting him down, they come back with a lot of negative answers.
"Who?"
"Never heard of him."
"Ehhhh? Clockwork's on vacation?"
"Koushi did what?"
"Who?"
"BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Who knew old Koush had it in him!"
"Seriously? Like, seriously?"
"Who?"
Kenma's meager seed of hope withers up and dies two answers in. Even when he sees Yachi go up to some guy with a dark crewcut lazing around with a tennis racket in one hand, and the most ridiculous striped shirt, Kenma's only thoughts are to join Crewcut on his apathetic journey to find a fashion sense.
With a face impassive enough to make any wall jealous, Fashion Confused Crewcut somehow manages to gain a thoughtful look to his face. Kenma can already hear the unspoken "Who?" about to drop from his mouth, and keeps walking when the guy goes, "Yeah, I think he's at the—"
Kenma whips around, right at the moment Fashion Confused Crewcut's evil doppelgänger shows up, all like "Osamu, what do I always say about giving out free information?", and single-handedly manages to ruin Kenma's expectations with a single sentence.
That's the story of how Kenma's life turns into a fucking sports anime.
"Love-30!" yowls Kuro, sunbathing on the high white chair next to the red and white tennis court. Kenma attempts to glare at the cat, but the sweat across his forehead makes his hair stick uncomfortably to his face and is really messing up his already limited field of vision. He's breathing heavily, his grip on the racket in his hand barely there, and a glance behind him informs Yachi is in the same boat.
"Wow! You're really aiming for that pudding left out in the sun look, aren't you!"
A squawk from the opposite side of the court manages to ease Kenma's murderous intent just a little. The original (and gentler) Fashion Confused Crewcut whacks his twin on the head, saying something like, "Be nice," right after he takes a pointed look in a direction behind Kenma.
Kenma would be grateful if the original one goes easy on them because of Yachi, but then, during his serve, he comes at them with a flying jump serve and a ball that whizzes by Yachi's face so fast, her hair flies.
Kenma banishes previous thoughts of the original being the 'gentler' one.
The evil twins have won two flawless sets. Kenma and Yachi hadn't been able to score a single point. It's not like they have to win either. The deal is if they manage to steal two points from the masters of tennis themselves, they get their lead on Clockwork Koushi. Kenma had thought his meager knowledge in Wii Sports tennis and Yachi's... something would win them easily. And yet, here they are, in their third set without having scored a single point. It's ridiculous, and annoying. Why did it have to be tennis of all things? Couldn't it have been a game of chess or something? At least with that, Kenma didn't have to go running around after tiny tennis balls under the blazing sun.
Kuro calls for a timeout, which Kenma isn't sure exist in tennis, but the evil twins don't stop them. Kenma sits down on the floor, and then promptly falls over, limbs splaying all over in an attempt to melt into the ground.
Yachi walks over, and falls to her knees, chest rising up and down as she takes heavy breaths.
"Kozume-kun," she gasps, bringing a hand to her chest as she catches her breath. Kenma peers up at her, but the glare of the sun catches his eyes and forces him to look away. "I -I think... um—only if you're ok with the idea!— that we... we need a plan."
Kenma's eyebrow twitches. What does she think he's been doing this whole time? Randomly hitting balls in hope of landing a lucky shot or triggering some flashback on the opposing side which will stall them long enough for Kenma to win? Contrary to popular third party belief, this isn't actually a sports anime.
"How long are the two of you going to lament your continued loss? It's really admirable how you haven't given up just yet, but it's also getting old," taunts the eviler one with a smirk, leaning on his racket. Kenma gives a pointed look to the original from the floor. It's barely been two seconds.
"He's not being nice."
The original holds up his hands, including the one with the racket, in defeat. "I tried."
Kenma huffs and looks back to Yachi. "Do you have any ideas?" he asks bitterly, not because he actually expects or wants an answer. Or, well, he'd like a solution, he just doubts whatever willpower or power of friendship babble Yachi would probably drop is going to help much.
Except she goes in an entirely different direction than he predicts.
"What if we, um— only if you're ok with it that is! W-what if we... ask someone to play on our behalf?"
Kenma blinks once, then shoots up like a rocket, the annoyed scrunch in his face disappearing as the realization of Yachi Hitoka Is Freaking Geniushits him like a molotov cocktail to a rosebush.
Predictably, she takes his struck, wide eyed reaction completely wrong.
"I'm s-so sorry! It was a terrible, horrible idea! It's against the rules, isn't it? O-oh no, now we'll be disqualified and then we'll never know where Clockwork Koushi is and then we'll be stuck here forever—"
"That's a good idea."
Yachi stares at him, with something Kenma really hopes aren't waterworks, and says, "Really? It's... it's not against the rules?"
They're in Wonderland. Stuck in an infinite teatime loop in the Alice in Wonderland world.
What rules?