*Lights rise slowly, illuminating a 3-year older Kay standing in the center of the cast and crew while the song Heart of Courage plays in the background.*
Kay: It's been three years, I'm older and smarter than I used to be, and now I would like to officially announce the return of Cirque De Shinra! I'm sorry for taking three years to pull myself together enough to write again but now that we're back I promise to keep the updates coming!
Kunsel: It's been awhile, a long while, but I'm honestly glad to be here again. Don't worry viewers I'll be sure to watch Kay so that she never disappears again. So, without further dramatics, let's jump right into the questions! First up is a question for our favorite Crimson Commander!
Genesis: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually missed this.
Question: You're back! It's a miracle! More questions to ask! Speaking of which, I have some already. Dear Genesis, is there any chance I can get a hold of the delicious Banora White Juice? I hear that you won first prize for that. Signed, Silver-Destiny.
Kadaj: *Squints* Silver-Destiny? Is that a pun at directed at us?
Rosso: Exactly how would that be a pun, hm?
Genesis: This question has nothing to do with any of you and yet you're all talking anyway, so shut it! Anyway, dear Silver-Destiny, if you're from the same world as Kay and Bon Bon I'm not sure how mailing works there but perhaps….
Kay: I'll take it from here! I looked it up and, although it isn't exactly Banora White, the closest thing to the same flavor would be white peach juice. Welch's is the only company that-
Zack: *Barely contained snickering*
All:...
Zack: *Snickering intensifies*
Cadet Cloud: Zack, are you alright?
Zack: It's just, pfft hahaha, Welch's is such a stupid name for a company.
Rufus: I don't want to do this I don't want to be here I'm leaving.
Bon Bon: *Begins tossing ice cubes at Rufus*
Rufus: I will hAVE YOU ARRESTED THE NEXT TIME YOU HIT ME WITH AN ICE CUBE!
Tseng: Please sir. This is the first episode in three years.
Reeve: It wouldn't be an episode of Cirque De Shinra if someone wasn't being threatened at least once.
Kunsel: AND WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT WE HAVE ANOTHER QUESTION! This is to a lot of people so just get ready.
Question: YAAAY! You're Back! More fireworks! Okay, question time! Question one, to Goddess Author Kay; what happened to that so called "Crab-Lord" who was really just some old geezer dressed up in a lobster costume letting loose a bunch of crabs from the Sea Goddess Calypso?
Question two, for Genesis; Did you happen to have written the 'last' Loveless quote about the sacrifice thing by any chance?
Question three, to gorgeus Reno!; What side of your family did your gorgeus blue eyes come from? My dad has blue eyes, but I'm stuck with my mum's boring brown-black ones. Signed, Grov-Light.
Kay: I'M BACK, I'M HERE AND I'M NOT LEAVING AGAIN I SWEAR! Honestly the "Crab-Lord" was really just a very….eccentric man who worked in accounting and was angry with Rufus's constant eating of shellfish.
Rufus: I was going to put him on the bottom of the ocean with all of his stupid sea creatures but someone *glares at Kay* refused to allow it.
Kay: I SAID NO KILLING WHY IS THAT SO DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND!?
Shelke: Why do you listen to her?
Rufus: I signed a contract...haven't I said this before is this girl just stupid?
Reno: She's like twelve bossman chill, yo.
Shelke: I AM NOT AND IF YOU REFER TO ME AS A CHILD ONE MORE TIME I WILL SPEAR YOU!
Kunsel: STOP! There's still two more questions and I want to get out of here by dinner time!
Genesis: Oh my, another one for me and none for Sephiroth. It seems our viewers have upgraded and refined their tastes~
Sephiroth: Or they've simply decided to humor you for this episode.
Rufus: ANSWER THE QUESTION AND GET ME MORE COFFEE!
Bon Bon: Please don't abuse the interns. We've just hired new ones.
Genesis: To suggest that I would, in any way, tamper with such a magnificent work of art is an insult! It's awful! It's a crime in and of itself! *Puts hand on forehead and swoons backward*
Sephiroth: *Kicks Genesis's chair away from him just before Genesis lands in it*
Genesis: My soul, corrupted by vengeance, shall kICK YOUR ASS SEPHIROTH!
Kay: NO FIGHTING ON SET! RENO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION!
Reno: *Yelps* I...I mean I don't know anything about my parents so I couldn't say yo.
Hojo: He appears to be from Junon descent, given the unique hair color. However his blue eyes suggest that one of his parents were either mako enhanced or suffered from mako poisoning.
Reno: *Crawling behind Rude's chair* That was creepy as hell yo...don't do that type o' shit to me.
Kay: Dark eyes are mysterious friend don't feel bad! I have super dark eyes, like almost black, with brown hair.
Yuffie: My eyes are dark too! And anything you have in common with the great ninja Yuffie is a good thing for you!
Tifa: Yuffie….
Aerith: We've talked about this….
ACC Cloud: Stop…..
Tifa, Aerith, and ACC Cloud: Referring to yourself in third person!
Angeal: For what it's worth, my eyes used to be darker than they are now. Mako effects changed them though.
Kunsel: If we're being honest my eyes are like a hazel color. They used to be dark brown but like Commander Hewley said, mako and stuff. Alright, next question time!
Question: For Angeal, Genesis, and Sephiroth: Do you guys have any ideas or speculation on WHY IN THE HELL YOU EACH ONLY HAVE ONE FRIGGN' WING ON YOUR BACK? I've never been able to fully understand that part. I mean, c'mon! IT'S JUST ONE WING! How are you even able to fly straight?
-Curiously, HumzbirdLady
Lazard:...Who said they could fly straight?
Genesis: LAZARD SHUT YOUR MOUTH RIGHT NOW!
Cissnei: Remember when the General first tried flying and he launched himself right into the 78th's floor window and scared all the cadets half to death.
Cadet Cloud: I remember that! Poor Jason gave himself a concussion when he screamed an flipped over the back of his desk.
Zack: Oh oh! Angeal remember when you tried to fly straight up and ended up crashing into that vat of whipped cream?
Angeal: Zack….you seem like you need a longer training regime. I'll add two-hundred more sit-ups and a few dozen more stair runs.
Scarlet: Oh-ho~ Now he's on the floor...what a cute puppy!
Cadet Cloud: Ms. Scarlet, don't touch him! *Starts swatting at Scarlet with a rolled up newspaper*
Hojo: It's a defect of their genetics. None of them are completely stable and, as such, they can never develop what is naturally needed to grow all of the advantages that is offered through Jenova's genes.
Kay: Okay you know what you're getting way too science-y this episode, Kunsel do that one question I told you about!
Kunsel: Oh you mean...yeah alright. Hojo this is for you.
Question: I have a question for that disgusting scientest Hojo; what made you this sick and disgusting and fretting over nothing but experiments? If I didn't know any better, I swear that you think you're the only person in the world and that everyone else around you are nothing but subjects, which makes everyone(especially Sephiroth, Vincent, Cloud, the Turks and Kay) like myself seriously and utterly hate you, with a capital "H". Signed, Savi.
Kay: Get rekt Hojo.
ACC Cloud: Get….rekt?
Kay: Get rekt.
Reno: GET REKT YOOOOOOO!
Hojo: Such intelligent commentary. Truly, I'm speechless. As for your question, Savi, I have to ask if you've ever taken into consideration what it takes for a species to advance? Do you think it comes with empathy, compassion, and the following of rules and regulations? Greatness comes from sacrifice; of course, that doesn't mean I have to be the one to sacrifice now does it? I am well aware that I'm not the only one in the world, but I am the only one who's made such large strides in advancing science. In one hundred years my name will still be spoken in high regard with my achievements. And no one will be speaking of yours. Any of yours.
Vincent: And it came at the cost of the well-being of those around you. The only time your name will be spoken is in disdain.
Elena: Disdain and disgust, that's for sure.
Angeal: Sephiroth?
Sephiroth: What is it?
Aerith: We're a bit concerned for-
Sephiroth: I'm fine. Move on.
Kay: Every time you speak on this show Hojo I get the strongest desire to revoke the protection on your life. You're walking a thin line…..jerk.
Kunsel: Easy Kay. Thanks for the question Savi, please don't take anything that Hojo says personal. Our next question is to Tifa.
Question: Tifa..you've always been someone I look up to..um, who do you enjoy kicking ass the most in here? And can you demonstrate on one of the guys here your favourite technique? Love you girl! Sincerely, Kat34.
Tifa: Kat, thank you so much! I'm happy to be someone you can look up to. Personally, I prefer sparring with Zack, Cloud, or Yuffie. But if we're talking purely me kicking the ever-loving hell out of someone I really like beating on Rufus and Reno. As for my favorite technique, it would have to be a flying knee to leg kick combo….and I think I'd like to demonstrate on Hojo.
Kay: Do it Tifa.
Hojo: I thought you said no fighting Kay, are you ignoring your own rules now?
Kay: Do. It. Tifa.
Reno: Kick his ass yo!...wait didn't she say she liked beating me up?
Tseng: Not important. Ms. Tifa would you so kindly…?
Tifa: *Knocks Hojo through one of the fake walls.* He's down for the count. Kat, thank you for the question, I hope I can keep being a person you admire!
Kunsel: This episode is getting strangely heavy from our usual stuff. But, what can you do? Anyway, another question coming at you!
Question: First of all, I would like to apologize for breaking Kadaj from my question about the Iratus bug. I have a slightly bad habit of breaking people mentally, so I do sincerely apologize for that. It was not in my intention to mentally scar anyone.
Second of all, I would like to say to Hojo; There were several experiments made to turn the Wraith into humans, and a couple of them succeeded but a few of the subjects went a bit...shall we say, homicidal, when they found out that they were originally Wraith. (Which could lead into Jenova's, how do you say...homicidal tendencies? Humans were the ones who turned the Wraiths human, so it is possible that in Jenova's memory she hates all humans because of that.)
There have also been a few crossbreeds of Wraith and humans, and as it turns out, Humans who are descended from Wraith have minimal access to the Wraith psychic network and are a bit stronger than the average human. They can also detect when Wraith are near. (Which could slightly tie into the fact that Cloud's eyes change when he's nearby Jenova or parts of Jenova [See; Remnants. See; Sephiroth].)
So it is indeed possible that Jenova could have been either descended from the Wraith OR she could have been a Wraith that was cured that turned insane. It would explain why she doesn't have the characteristic markings on her hands and why Sephiroth doesn't have them either.
Third of all, I wasn't exactly insinuating that you, Sephiroth, were related to anything of insect like nature, merely pointing out a few coincidences in your genetics and resemblance to a species of aliens that are descended from insects. But I do apologize for any possible misinterpretation of my question.
Also, here's my question which is directed towards the Turks; What are the requirements to joining the Turks, Physically and Mentally? What type of skills are required for the job? Do you offer a training course? Do you have a recruitment academy to teach these sorts of things? Also, how good is your dental plan and all of the medical coverage. I understand that your job is slightly dangerous so I am curious about that. I'm not too sure what the benefits are but I would like to hear more about them.
Signed, Anonymous
Bon Bon: Well, now that Hojo is unconscious what should we do? Who's planning to answer this?
Yuffie: Well, um, considering that Kay brought a lot of us back to life maybe she could…?
Kadaj: Wait...NOT AGAIN! MOTHER….!
Aerith: *Softly pats Kadaj's head* Please don't cry Kadaj, it's alright.
Kay: Yazoo take care of your brothers, someone go get Hojo up and prop him in a seat, and everyone please understand that I specialize in biomedical engineering and biomolecular research but I mean I haven't devoted my life to Jenova like the jerk Hojo.
Reno: Alrigh' so I'll go get the mad doc' up and-
Rufus: Wait everyone wait. How are you *points at Kay* a person who specializes in biomedical engineering and biomolecular research? You're too high energy you'd just end up breaking everything.
Kay: Question everything.
Rufus: What?
Kay: QUESTION EVERYTHING! THAT IS THE FIRST RULE OF SCIENCE! NOTHING ELSE MATTERS!
Reno: *Drags Hojo back to the room and sets him in a chair*
Hojo: You're all insane if you think I plan to answer anything after what happened.
Kay: If you don't I'll let the anyone who wants to murder you have their turn in killing you.
Hojo: What a rude girl….*clears throat* In answer to your question, anonymous, the more you speak the more sense it makes. I'd like to know what these markings you speak about look like; you see, Sephiroth was born with birthmarks close to his wrists. I can't speak for the Remnants, or for the blond waste of a subject, and I never noticed markings on Jenova but it is possible she was descended from them. This psychic network you speak of intrigues me, I'd like to run a few tests but I would need-
ACC Cloud: NO! I won't stand here and let you use us as some kind of science experiment! Not again!
Kay: That's enough, Hojo get out of here! You're ground from the rest of this episode. One wrong move and I'm feeding you to Cuddles!
Reno: Oh shit, that monster is still kickin'?
Sephiroth: I wouldn't have cared if you were comparing me to an insect, Genesis has called me much worse.
Genesis: Well yes, but I've never backed up my insults with such proof!
Tseng: This person wants to be a TURK, sir.
Rufus: I know that. Explain what's involved, if you want.
Tseng: There are various types of training that are required, physical endurance training, hand-to-hand combat training, stealth training, and things of that nature.
Reno: Our medical insurance sucks yo, but dental is great. There is a recruitment program but it basically boils down to 'How much shit can you put up with before you break.' It ain't pretty and they pit us against the SOLDIERs like all the time yo….where's my flask?
Yuffie: THE GREAT YUFFIE WAS ORDERED TO KEEP YOU SOBER THIS EPISODE!
Reno: *Unintelligible yelling*
Rufus: IF YOU DON'T STOP CRAWLING OVER ME I'LL DOCK YOUR PAY RENO!
Tifa: STOP SCREAMING IN MY EAR!
Genesis: EVERYONE STOP YELLING OR BY THE GODDESS I WILL SET SOMETHING ON FIRE!
Kunsel: EVERYONE SHUT UP AND LET ME ASK THE NEXT QUESTION BEFORE I CASTRATE YOU!
All:...
Kay: You...sounded like me.
Kunsel:...and would yOU LOOK AT THAT HERE'S THE NEXT QUESTION!
Question: A little question first; Reno, will you take me on a tour in your helicopter? I hear that you're the best pilot in Turk history! Signed, Savanna-Tiana.
Reno: Of course I'm the best pilot in TURK history, but I wonder if boss will let me…
Rufus: I STILL DON'T HAVE MY COFFEE! IF I'M MISERABLE SO IS EVERYONE ELSE!
Reno:...well, it looks like a no. *Whispers* I can take ya on a trip later maybe. *Wink*
Kunsel: Alright...we've got a lot of questions from one person. So we picked four for this episode and we'll keep doing this until all the questions are gone. Kay used a random number generator to pick these!
Question: Cid: please marry Shera. Or at least quit smoking. I worry for your health. Signed, Lyumia.
Cid: Shera I told ya ta stop sendin' yer friends to hound me while I work!
Yuffie: JUST MARRY HER SHERA HAS HAD TO PUT UP WITH SO MUCH STUFF!
Cid: I don' need to hear this from a thief.
Aerith: But smoking is bad for your health, Cid. Don't you want to be around for a long time?
Cid: Not you too. Get off ma back!
Kunsel: It's like overseeing a group of five year olds I swear why did I agree to this. Next question!
Question: Nanaki: *offers a honey bun* do you like sweets? Signed, Lyumia.
Red: *Munches the honey bun* I like honey! It's sweet, but not too sweet. Oh, and Kay brought over these things called...what were they?
Kay: Bombpops, the red, white, and blue ones.
Red: Yes! They're good too. They're cold and don't get stuck in my nose like regular ice cream.
Yazoo:...How, exactly, are you getting ice cream stuck in your nose?
Red: I don't have thumbs to eat it so it makes it difficult alright?
Weiss: But how does it get in your nose?
Red: Because I have to sHOVE MY FACE IN IT TO EAT THIS IS NOT A DIFFICULT CONCEPT!
Kunsel: Red please don't murder anyone...please. Here's our next question!
Question: Angeal: what kind of plants do you like? Ya know.. If you like gardening at all… Signed, Lyumia.
Angeal: I love gardening, it's very relaxing. My favorites right now are Hydrangeas and Oriental Lillies. But I grew a cactus just so I could give it to Zackary. How's it doing, pup?
Zack:...
Cadet Cloud: Oh no…..
Angeal:...Zackary.
Zack: IT DIED I'M SO SORRY IT DIED ANGEAL DON'T BE MAD I TRIED!
Genesis: How do you manage to kill a cactus?
Zack:...
Kunsel: He set it on fire.
Angeal: ZACKARY!
Zack: KUNSEL WHY?
Kunsel: You took my poptart this morning! Next question!
Question: Kunsel: Do you like Kay? Signed, Lyumia.
Kunsel: Alright well it's time for the next-
Yuffie: NO YOU DON'T GET TO RUN FROM THIS!
Tifa: WE'RE ALWAYS AT THE WHIMS OF YOUR QUESTIONS NOW IT'S YOUR TURN!
Zack: KARMA PAYBACK TIME!
Kunsel: NEXT QUESTION!
Reno: Kunsel definitely likes Kay.
Aerith: Perhaps you should think about what all this sounds like to Kay…
Zack: Huh?
Tifa: Oh….
Kunsel: Uh, Kay? You're being awfully quiet….
Kay: I….guess I am. I mean, if you don't want to answer it's alright.
Kunsel: I didn't say….I mean I didn't say it wasn't….I, uh…. RENO WHERE DID YOU GET THE POPCORN!?
Reno: HEY GET YOUR OWN POPCORN YO!
Zack: Renooooo gimme some!
Kay: Hey Kunsel~
Kunsel: Huh!? W-what is it?
Kay:*Grinning* Next question time.
Kunsel: Oh….uh. Yeah. Okay. Here's the last question for this episode so, um, yeah. Here.
Question: I hate to ask this, but how did Rufus and Tifa cope for an entire month of being, *ahem*, "Married"? And Reno, will you come over to my house? I'd love to have you around to have fun with, and don't worry, I ain't gonna do what that cat girl did to you.
Oh and PS: Kay, where's Cuddles? Signed, Zleen.
Rufus: We slept in separate bedrooms.
Tifa: And ignored each other unless it was for insults.
Rosso: Weren't you two supposed to be...going at it, hm?
Rufus: *Pulls out shotgun*
Tifa: SHUT UP!
Reno: Okay but clearly the most important part of this is me gettin' hit on by such a cutie yo~ I hope you're ready for what 'fun' with me means *eyebrow waggle*
Kay: Cuddles is, as of right now, holding Hojo hostage until the end of the show. Thanks for worrying about him though Zleen!
Kunsel: Right, so that concludes this episode of Cirque De Shinra!
*Terrified looking intern runs into the room before handing a paper to Kunsel and Kay.*
Kay: Are you kidding me!? HOJO THAT'S IT! I'M REVOKING YOUR PROTECTION CLAUSE!
Sephiroth: Explain what's going on.
Genesis: No...no no no I'm not doing this. Whatever it is, I'm leaving. *goes to open door for exit*
Kunsel: Don't oPEN THE DOOR!
*Several wraith-like creatures with tentacle monster features comes through the door*
Hojo: *Comes in surrounded by the creatures* I have to thank that previous viewer for their in-depth analysis of these wraiths, and Kay for leaving me alone with enough time to develop several prototypes. I don't take orders from you anymore, after this.
Angeal: Clear out the civillians!
Reno: And keep their tentacles away from my underwear yo!
Kunsel: I WOULD LIKE JUST ONE NORMAL SIGN OFF! Kay stay behind-
Kay: Hojo, I'm gOING TO KILL YOU MYSELF! *Charges at Hojo with a standard issue SOLDIER sword*
Sephiroth: Not before I do.
Vincent: Both of you step back, I'll handle this.
Bon Bon: Elena, please take take Rufus, Director Lazard, and Reeve out of here.
Elena: Yes! This way please! *Grabs mentioned people and starts dragging them out*
Rufus: IF THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THE COFFEE POTS I'LL SUMMON METEOR MYSELF!
ACC Cloud: Why am I getting deja vu from this…?
Tifa: Fighting side-by-side will do that, I think.
Kunsel: Kay ran dead center into the middle of those monsters, she's a civilian!
Weiss: She threatened Cupid and fought a crab lord.
Kay: ATTACK CUDDLES! *Swinging her sword while riding the back of Cuddles, her tentacle monster*
Cissnei: From all of us here on the show….
Bon Bon: To all of us working from your world…
Loz: Uh, we're here to say….
Nero: Thank you for watching…..
Kunsel: And see you in the next episo-KAY WATCH WHERE YOU'RE SWINGING THAT!
Cat Sith: *Pops up in front of the camera* See ya later, laddies and lasses!
Author's Note: Well, here I am. Back from the dead I guess. I'm really sorry about just vanishing, but I've managed to pull myself back up. So updates are going to be a thing again. Please send in requests for guests and if anyone has any knowledge of holidays coming up, even if they aren't celebrated in the U.S.A, please tell me about them! I'd like to do another themed episode rather soon. Or if you have any ideas about themes you'd like to see, please send them in too! Thanks for reading! Sincerely, Kay.