Kunsel: *Clears throat* Welcome back to Cirque De Shinra! Kay would like me to inform all of you of a certain change. Some of you have noticed that episode 20 is missing. It has been permanently removed from our archives due to its subject matter and because Kay thinks it was written in poor taste. That being said, to make up for it we will be doing a special Halloween episode that will be extra long AND a truth or dare episode with special guests Kairi, Namine, and Sora from Kingdom Hearts and Prompto and Gladio from FFXV! This episode is set to air October 31st, so get all your questions and dares in by at least the 29th!
Zack: What's FFXV? Is that like, a world or something?
ACC Cloud: We'd have to ask Kay.
Rod: I'm not asking her a damn thing, she's forcing us onto this pompous fuckin' show and I got a goddess damned stalker hiding in my fuckin' curtains in the dressing room and why the fuck are these lights so damn bright and-!
Cid: Stop yer gaia damned whining! Ya been here for one episode boy ya didn't even live through the crab apocalypse.
Gun: I like it, especially because I get to spend time with my darling sister! *Reaches out to Elena*
Elena: Do not toUCH ME YOU GET AWAY!
Tseng: Do not embarrass the TURKS on this show. Pull yourselves together.
Genesis: It's far too late to be worried about embarrassing yourselves. Reno shows up drunk every episode, Rude was a porn star, and you've made out with your subordinate at least twice hmm?
Tseng: You were a hooker.
Genesis: SHUT UP I DID NOT FIGHT IN A WAR TO BE MOCKED IN THIS MANNER!
Kunsel: Could I finish the intro please…? Now, let's welcome our special guest for this episode! Here is Prince Noctis Lucius Caleum!
Noctis: *Comes out to sit between Zack and Kunsel* It's, um, nice to meet you all. I'm glad to be here.
Genesis: You're prince of what exactly?
Noctis: The Kingdom of Lucis?
Rufus: Why is that a question? Are you unsure of your own kingdom?
Noctis: It seemed like it might not satisfy you guys.
Genesis: You were correct.
Noctis: I mean, what should I have said? I'm prince of the fairies? I'm prince of all dark and dreary things? I'm prince of the lolipop kingdom where we fight each other with gummibear bombs and candycane spears?
Weiss:...who left this sassy, scrawny, small child here?
Noctis: I can summon literal gods do not push me.
Weiss:...who left this sassy, scrawny, insane, small child here?
Kunsel: IT'S TIME FOR A QUESTION LOOK AT THAT! This question is for….hmmm….we'll start with Zack and work our way through the other questions….Alright yeah. Zack! Are you ready?
Zack: Super ready let's GO!
Question: How did you manage to set your cactus in fire? What exactly happened? Signed, Luce.
Zack: It was an ACCIDENT I DIDN'T MEAN TO!
Nero: That doesn't answer the question you damned fool.
Angeal: Don't talk to my student that way!
Genesis: Indeed, considering you're dressed like some bizarre BDSM dungeon master.
Zack: I was marathoning a t.v show Reno spoiled it for me!
Tifa: How does that make you set your cactus on fire?
Reno: He was tryin' to set ME on fire yo.
Cadet Cloud: Technically, he set his carpet on fire first. They in turn set his curtains on fire which set his cactus on fire.
Zack: CLOOOOOUUUDDD WHY HAVE YOU BETRAYED ME!?
Genesis: And you all call ME a pyromaniac. At least I've never set my apartment on fire.
Sephiroth: You have, quite literally, set half of the cadet classrooms on fire at the exact same time.
Genesis: NOBODY ASKED YOU!
Rufus: Ugh. I need more coffee to deal with this.
Kunsel: You're in luck Mr. Vice President. Next question goes to you and Reno.
Rufus: Did you not hear what I just said you inbred, inept, ice for brains useLESS SOLIDER!
Loz: I want Mother!
Tifa: NO!
Reno: I want to go home man.
Question: Can Reno take me on a tour in the helicopter if I give Rufus his precious coffee? Signed, Luce.
Rufus:...Send me a Guillermo that's been french pressed and we'll see.
Zack: What's "french" mean?
Rufus: Kay introduced the concept to me and it's just….so great.
Zack: That didn't answer my question….
Kunsel: This is a great time for another question! It's for...ah...Hojo.
Hojo: Oh joy, I'm so looking forward to the thought-provoking intelligent question I'm sure I'm going to get.
Question: Hojo...Why would I take what you say personal? Your idea of evolution is mutation and making your creations and/or those you torture end up losing their minds and end up like rampaging Zombies?...like what you did the last time for example. Get your evil-minded brain out of the sewer and use it for something more useful like, oh, I don't know, NOT torturing the world and it's inhabitants, and use it to at least improve environment. Sincerely, Savi.
Hojo: Oh. I remember you. The last time you sent in a question I was attacked and nearly died….again.
Shotgun: You created an army of wraiths and tentacle monsters that we were forced to clean up.
Aerith: Cuddles was in the infirmary for quite a while!
Hojo: Do you want me to answer this question or not?
Noctis: Is this show always like this?
Yazoo: This is pretty tame actually.
Hojo: My dear Savi, I leave improving the environment to the our dear Reeve Tuesti. I improve humanity with my creations.
Tifa: Except for the time several of your creations almost destroyed humanity.
Hojo: Errors show up in order to be corrected for the next time. That is all those instances were.
Rod: You're a real nut job.
Hojo: Oh I'm so insulted, how will I ever go on?
Kunsel: It's time for a new question! Right now! Before another fight breaks out! Uh, older Cloud this is for you!
ACC Cloud: Should I be worried?
Cissnei: Probably.
Question: ACC Cloud, did you fix up the black single sleeve you last against One-Winged Sephiroth? Because everyone's been questioning on how you got it back before Deepground tried to use Omega. Don't get me wrong, I think your outfit is totally awesome! Signed, Savi.
Angeal: What a nice, pure question.
Reno: I feel cleansed just hearing it yo.
ACC Cloud: I….sewed it….
Genesis: How boring.
Tifa: What did you want him to say? He had a whole closet full of exactly the same outfit?
ACC Cloud: *Nervously sweating*
Kunsel:...We're gonna move on now. Um, this is to Kay and Yuffie!
Yuffie: YES! THE GREAT PRINCESS OF WUTAI IS READY!
Zack:...Where's Kay?
Genesis: NOT AGAIN! The last time she disappeared I was kidnapped!
Angeal:...Kunsel, do you know where she is?
Kunsel: I….don't. We should probably be concerned.
Yuffie: What question did I get!?
Question: I guess you guys have a good point about brown eyes, but to tell the truth, I've always been fascinated with blue eyes-natural, not Mako based and I'm pretty convinced that Reno's are all natural and his are a pair of my favorites, especially with his red hair-since they remind me of either the sky or the clear blue ocean waters that makes me calm and relaxed. Signed, Tash.
Yuffie: The great Yuffie is happy to help!
Reno: Uh yeah excuse me get out of the way yo I'm being complimented. My hair ain't ever been compared to a sky; gotta say I kinda like that comparison yo. You're a sweetheart Tash. *Wink*
Rufus: How nice but we haven't addressed the fact that Kay is missing AGAIN and I don't have the patience to deal with whatever insanity she's unleashing.
Azul: She isn't even shouting through the vents...she's probably dead.
Zack: DON'T SAY THAT!
Yuffie: YEAH!
Noctis: Does Kay usually go missing?
Kunsel: Eh….sometimes. So, uh, next question time! This is to...um...oh no.
Sephiroth: It's to Hojo isn't it?
Kunsel: How did you know, General?
Hojo: It's because he's my son, of course.
Sephiroth: I am leaving.
Rufus: IF I HAVE TO BE HERE SO DO YOU!
Question: I hope Cuddles bites off your head IF you do something as disastrous as what you did last time, because Odin help me should I come over and help Kay, Vincent, and Sephiroth to kill you in a slow...painful...and unpleasant death. Signed, Tash.
Hojo:...Who are you, exactly? The one crippled with anxiety who whined about their eye color? Oh yes, I'm so terribly frightened of you.
Yuffie: You're such a limp noodle! Don't listen to him Tash!
Hojo: I believe this was aimed at me, not you.
Kunsel: I BELIEVE we're going to move on now! Yazoo you're up!
Yazoo: Oh joy.
Question: Why is Loz such a crybaby and how in the world do you and Kadaj put up with it? I swear you baby him a lot...then again, I'm not a fan of you, so I don't know what I'm bothering in asking you since you're so tight-a**ed. Signed, Tash.
Yazoo: Well, considering I'm so tight-assed perhaps I won't answer your insulting question?
Aerith: I am curious as to why you and Kadaj are so gentle with Loz, if you'd be willing to answer for me?
Yazoo:...he's my brother. Are you saying we shouldn't be gentle with him?
Aerith: No! Not at all! It's very sweet actually.
Kunsel: Such a sweet exchange I think I'm going to get a cavity from it. Next question few questions go to our special guest!
Noctis: Oh! Uh, that's me right?
Genesis: Obviously, prince of the fairies.
Noctis: I shouldn't have said that.
ACC Cloud: They'll never let you live it down.
Question 1: YAY! Noctis is here! Question time! Since Gladio went through the Trials of Gilgamesh, would you and Cloud both consider in trying it out yourselves as a team? Signed, Susan-Kalos.
Noctis: Well, I mean, it would be something I'd have to think about. I've considered doing the trials myself but, uh, Cloud would have to agree to it. And even then I'm not sure if people from other….worlds….can complete the trial.
Cadet Cloud: I want to try it, but I'm not sure if my skill level would be up to the task….
Zack: Don't worry Cloud! I'm sure you could do it if you really put your mind to it!
Tifa: Definitely! We can train you up for it!
ACC Cloud: I appreciate the question but...I think my place is here on Gaia. I can't leave it, even for a trial like that.
Genesis: The chocobos are getting so deep. It's adorable, really.
Tifa: Choke on your earring.
Question 2: Now, question time to Noctis: Most people think Ardyn's hair is red like both Reno and Axel's, but I see a purplely pink myself. What colour to you actually, your Highness? Signed, Zleen.
Noctis: It's always looked a bit purplish pink to me too! But, maybe we just perceive color differently? Or we're more sensitive to it.
Zack: Who's Ardyn!?
Rufus: Put a picture on the big screen.
Genesis: I want to make fun of him.
*five minutes later*
Shelke: *Lifting a chair over her head* IT'S PURPLE YOU FUCKS!
Rod: THAT'S FUCKIN' RED! *Dodges behind a chair*
Zack: WHY CAN'T IT JUST BE BOTH- GENESIS STOP WITH THE FIRE MATERIA!
Lazard:...I suppose I am the only one who saw blue?
Rufus: You're color blind you idiot how many times do we have to tell you this?
Lazard: Now now little brother, no need to get hostile.
Rufus: THERE ARE PEOPLE HERE WHO THINK THAT HIS HAIR IS RED AND THEY ARE ALL WRONG HOW CAN I NOT BE HOSTILE!?
Kay: *Nudging Kunsel and eating popcorn* It's a good thing I've never shown anyone a picture of this dress that like took over the internet once a few years ago.
Kunsel: When did you get here!?
Kay: I've been here for like three minutes.
Noctis: I'm so sorry I didn't know this was going to happen.
Kay: It's cool, worse things have happened on this set. Anyway….EVERYONE SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN WE'VE GOT MORE QUESTIONS!
Yuffie: KAY! You're back!
Kay: Yep, now time for Noctis's next question!
Noctis: Oh, uh, right.
Question 3: Noctis, if you don't like Coffee, why do you really drink it? Because If I were you, I'd watch out for Rufus since he has a guilty pleasure for Coffee, obviously. Signed, Samantha.
Noctis: Ignis says I can't always drink energy drinks and that coffee's good for my health...I honestly don't know if I believe that though. But it makes him happy and stop nagging me so….
Rufus: Guilty pleasure implies that I feel badly for drinking it, which I do not.
Kunsel: Uh, this next question is for ACC Cloud. But! It is about Noctis, so both of you feel free to chime in.
Question: Does Noctis kind of remind you of yourself? Signed, Incy.
ACC Cloud: Besides the hair? I don't see many immediate similarities. But maybe if we get to know each other more others may become apparent.
Noctis: My hair isn't blonde though.
Zack: But it is spiky~
Kunsel: Okay, so let me just reorganize these questions to find another one….
Kay: Nah, we can end it here for right now. I want to save a few of the questions we have for the super long Halloween truth or dare episode.
Genesis: THANK THE GODDESS!
Rufus: THANK GAIA!
Nanaki:...his hair was purple.
*Entire set erupts in roars of anger*
Kunsel: CUT TO OUR CUTAWAY JUST DO VELD-
*Screen turns to static before a picture of an animation of a dancing chocobo begins playing across the screen holding a sign that says "Stay Calm and Love Cirque De Shinra."*
Author's Note: For some reason this episode didn't seem funny to me? I don't know. Anyway, I'm going to start working on the Halloween super long truth or dare episode on the 29th and have it published on Halloween. I'll probably finish writing the episode itself on the 30th or, at least, early 31st. So please try to send all your questions, dares, and costume requests by the 29th! For reference as to how long the next episode will be the average length of an episode of Cirque De Shinra is 6-9 pages but the Halloween episode will be, at least, 14 pages. Thanks for reading! Sincerely, Kay.