AN: I swear, this was a one-shot. But, you read a few things about game three, you play some DLC...
The whole ship was creeping around in fear. The crew of the Normandy 2 had one thing in common. Confidence. Absolute confidence in her ability, and in the ability of her crew. In particular, her captain. Every man and woman who served in its corridors felt the confidence that came with knowing you had the best hand of cards in the galaxy.
But this week, the crew were tiptoeing around the ship, uneasy. Even The Team. Shepard's hand-picked command staff. They were afraid to meet their captain's eyes.
It had been two days since Shepard had gone alone to recover a missing Cerberus Operative. Since the Omega 4 Mission, Shepard had broken all ties with the Illusive Man, and the crew had gone with them. Those that didn't hate Cerberus already, were willing to follow Shepard anywhere after getting them out of the Reaper's sadistic grasp.
But the Illusive Man still knew how to contact Shepard, and promised that this particular operative had information about the impending Reaper Invasion.
The Reaper Invasion was coming much faster than anyone had predicted. It was only hours away, coming through an isolated Mass Effect Relay in Batarian Space.
Shepard had foiled the invasion, or at least delayed a good while, by destroying the Relay before their fleet could come through.
It was a move that lit up every sensor grid in the known galaxy, and alerted every civilization that had ever seen a Mass Effect field to the fact that he was there. Nobody had willfully destroyed a Relay in history.
It was an act of destruction that obliterated an inhabited world, and sent three hundred thousand Batarians to their deaths.
The Batarians might have been considered the trash of the galaxy, but they were many, and they were brutal, and now their combined rage was focused on one disavowed human. Everyone was expecting a war to break out, and those who understood the facts of the matter all knew there was only one way to quickly avert one.
There hadn't been a feeling like this on board the Normandy 2 since her Captain was... resurrected. The rest of the crew had been put together by the chief of the ship, Operative Miranda Lawson. She was exacting, precise, and she never once settled for anything less than absolute perfection. Imperfection was worth your life under her rule before Shepard. And now she was sneaking around her own ship, afraid to draw attention. When The Operative went to ground, the crew worried.
The whole ship was frozen, waiting for something to happen, but not knowing what it would be.
In fact, the only thing more worrying was Subject Zero. She hadn't come out of The Pit below the Engine room for three days. Not even to eat. Not even to see Shepard.
Tali loved her ship. She loved the sound of it, loved the smoothness of her. When Shepard gave her job of chief Engineer, it was the happiest day of er life. So when she heard the harsh rhythmic clanging, she followed it to the stairs that led down to the maintenance tunnels. Of 'The Pit' as the crew called it.
The Pit was Jack's private quarters.
"Go see what's making that noise." Tali swiftly ordered Daniels.
"Go down there and tell Zero to keep it down?" Daniels responded. "Hell no."
"Chicken."
"What can I say Miss Zorah? Burdens of command."
Tali took a deep breath and went downstairs into Jack's 'Pit', following the noise, and found the tattooed woman punching the wall, over and over. She was methodical and ferocious. The bulkhead had dented inward significantly, and her knuckles were getting bloody.
"Jack!" Tali called.
Jack whirled to face her, breathing hard, with a light sheen of sweat covering her skin. "WHAT?"
Tali took two steps back instinctively. "Would you mind not punching holes in my ship? Go find a punching bag."
Jack glared. "Tell you what, little girl. If you turn around and walk away right now, then I will go back to punching the wall, and I may choose not to use you instead!"
Tali shivered, and was grateful for once that her reaction was hidden safe in her suit. "That wasn't a request. I was ordering you not to smash your knuckles open on my bulkheads."
"Since when are they your bulkheads? Since when is it your ship?"
"Since Shepard gave me the engine room. You want to live down here, you got me as a landlord. You want to go somewhere else, go ahead. The Captain would probably be happy to have you move in." Tali sighed, the bitterness clear in her voice, though she probably thought she was hiding it. "Ancestors only know why."
Jack looked at the Quarian. It was an open secret that Tali was stupid for Shepard. "Kid, you don't want to get into that. You don't have any idea what you're talking about."
"Probably true, but I know that if I was in your place, I'd be up there with him, instead of down here punching holes in my ship!"
"Would you get off that?" Jack growled. "I don't got anything that'll help, so I'm staying out of the way."
"Miranda doesn't know what to do either, but at least she cares enough to stick around."
Jack went still, frozen in place. "What?"
Tali's head tilted. Even without seeing her face, the kid wasn't at all hard to figure out. "Oh, you didn't know? She's with him now." She said with biting understatement.
Subject Zero was out the door instantly, biotic fire racing around her clenched fists. "Like hell."
Jack came sprinting around the corner and found Miranda sitting on the floor beside the door to Shepard quarters, was a food tray sitting next to her. "Cerberus?" She said, uncertain. Miranda looked... lost.
The flawless beauty looked up at the ex-convict was something close to hopelessness. "He... I don't... I don't know what to say to him." She laughed then, a short, sharp bark of bitter disbelief. "I can count on one hand the number of times I didn't know what to do. One hand."
Jack felt her uncertainty fade, and gave the Cheerleader a predatory smirk. "Let me tell you something Cheerleader. You don't belong in his world. His world is a place where you have to choose between the death of millions, knowing you'll never forgive yourself, or the death of billions, knowing you'd never get the blame for it. Your world is a place where everything you have gets coded in genetically, and everything you do follows a rulebook. Shepard doesn't have a rulebook any more. He threw it away the second he agreed to work with you."
Miranda looked at Jack in disgust and stood up. "I don't have a rulebook either. I left Cerberus after the Omega 4 Mission."
Jack blinked rapidly. She hadn't heard that. "Huh."
Miranda looked over her shoulder at the door to his room. "He does that, doesn't he? Makes you do things you never thought you'd do."
Jack felt something cold creep up from the pit of her stomach. This was getting a little chummy for her. The fact that Miranda was right had nothing to do with it.
Miranda didn't push for a response. "Try to get him to eat something." She said finally. "He won't even let me in."
Jack took the tray as Miranda headed back for the elevator. "I still don't like you." Jack called after her, mostly out of a lack of anything better to say.
"Feeling's mutual." Miranda said plainly as the elevator closed.
Shepard was doing sit-ups in his room when she came in. From the look of him, he'd been at it a while. Jack understood. A calmer spirit from working the body.
He stopped when she came in and put the tray down. "I'm not hungry." He told her, short of breath.
"Oh good." Jack said easily and helped herself to his tray. "Chef was trying to butter you up with comfort food. How come nobody ever does that for me?"
"Captain's Privilege." Shepard smirked and started working out again. Jack put her feet up and balanced the tray across her knees, enjoying the show.
After a few minutes, Shepard glanced up at her. "Stop looking at me like that."
"Like what?"
"Like I'm the second course." He shot back.
Jack grinned toothily at him. "What can I say? I like watching people exercise while I eat. Especially you."
Shepard grinned, but it vanished from his face. He didn't find anything funny lately. But he was done, and he stood up. "I'm hitting the showers."
She watched him go, thought about joining him. They had spent the night together often. A source of much gossip among the crew, but largely inaccurate gossip. They hadn't done anything more than keep each other company since the night before they invaded the Collector Base.
Didn't mean she didn't enjoy the view. She went to the door and sat on the edge of the sink for a while as the room filled with steam.
He didn't say anything. It was longer than he'd ever let a silence last before.
"Want to talk about it?" She asked him finally.
"No." Shepard said shortly.
Jack nodded. "Wanna go blow something up?"
"Been there, done that."
Jack kicked herself. "Wanna go get a tattoo?"
"No."
"Wanna go get drunk?"
He stepped out of the shower, and she handed him a towel. "Not in the mood."
"Oh come on John, gimmie something here!" She exploded. "I'm the one that growls out one word answers. You're the one that makes people feel better. Give me a break, I don't have a clue what I'm doing!"
Shepard snorted. "You're doing fine."
They were silent a while. Shepard went back to his room, looked out the window. She pulled out a flask she'd stashed under his mattress and poured him a drink, slugging one of her own straight back from the flask.
She came over and joined him, put the glass in his hand, and hugged him from behind, splaying her hands over his chest. "What are you thinking?"
"You know what I'm thinking." Shepard answered, sipping his drink. "You think I could have saved them?"
"If you hadn't done it, they still would have died when the Reapers came through. They were right there on the Relay's front doorstep. They would have been the first victims." Jack looked at him shrewdly. "And you're smart enough to know that."
Shepard went back to staring out the window. "Yeah... but that's not..."
Jack didn't say anything. She just waited. Shepard tried to be unreadable, but he was such a compulsive good guy, he couldn't help himself.
Shepard stared out the window. "You think I could have saved Samara or Zaeed?"
Boom. There it was.
Jack took the glass out of his hand and threw back the last of the drink. "I'm still amazed you could save any of us."
Shepard stared out the window. "Back on earth, I spent every night staring up at the stars. We were little more than rats, scurrying through cities, scraping for food. Stars were always there though. I thought that was nice."
"And now?"
"I hate them." Shepard said simply. "I hate the stars. I work on spaceships, and I hate to see the stars. All my problems came from those stars."
Jack didn't have an answer to that. Not a good one anyway. Instead she reached out and took his hand. "Come on."
"Where are we going?"
"My room." Jack said. "It's got a bed, and no windows. No stars."
Shepard followed her without speaking.
Jack sat him down on the edge of the bed. He hadn't said anything on the walk, and the crew had given them plenty of room. Nobody wanted to get in the Captain's face after the week he'd had, and nobody wanted to cross paths with Zero... ever.
Even when he was sitting down, he didn't look at her. He seemed so... disconnected. Like he was a million miles away. Jack slid her fingers into his jacket, slipped it off his shoulders. She tossed the jacket away, and put her arms around him, hugging him to her stomach. After an eternity, he brought his arms up to hold her to him.
"You can't fix this." Shepard stressed. "You can't just fix this Jack."
Jack couldn't help but smirk at the irony. Now I know what it feels like.
"I tried to kill you for helping me once, but you did it anyway." She said quietly. "You had to know... I mean, maybe I can't undo any of what happened, but you couldn't undo any of what happened to me. You stuck around anyway."
Shepard stared at her. "Yeah. I guess so."
Jack licked her lips. "So... how do I do this? I've never... been the one on this side of the hug before. What do I do?"
Shepard laughed bitterly. "I don't know."
Jack rocked on her heels a little. "Tali... She loves you. I mean, in the thoroughly disgusting romantic comedy, animated musical sense of the word."
Shepard pulled back enough that he could look up at her in confusion. "Okay?"
Jack bit her lip and backed away from him, breaking contact. "She knows... I mean, she's been one of the goodie goodie types a lot longer than I have. If you need some time to... Maybe I should just let her... let you..."
"No." Shepard said. "You don't have to know what to say. I don't think there is anything. Tali... is a sweetheart, and I love her too, but she would try too hard. Know what I mean?"
Jack did. When there was nothing to say, saying anything would make it so much worse.
"Can I stay here tonight?" Shepard asked quietly.
Strange... Jack though to herself. He's never needed me before. Nobody ever needed me before.
The thought struck her in full and the panic hit. It was the same terror that hit her like a wave whenever they got close. The sudden spike of fear shut down her brain. It was like she was back in the Teltin Arena again. Don't think, just act. You think, you die!
She jumped back, shoved him away from her as hard as she could, and ran for it.
Usually, when she wigged out, she would make it all the way back to her hidey-hole. But now she was running away from The Pit. She sure as sin wasn't going to hide out in his room.
Instead, she went up to the Mess Hall.
Gardner saw her coming and started preparing a tray before she got within twenty feet of him.
Jack noticed that her own food had improved dramatically since she started spending the night with Shepard. She'd hitchhiked her way on enough private and official starships to know that the crew went out of their way to make The Captain's Woman feel welcome on board.
These were not thoughts that helped her freakout.
"Evenin' Jack. Hungry?" Gardner said as she got closer.
"Naw. Not really." Jack admitted. "I ate Shepard's tray. He didn't seem particularly..."
"It happens." Gardner said out of experience. "I been cooking stuff for a dozen different warships. I see what happens to people's appetites on the bad days."
Jack nodded. "Never bothered me. I eat when I get food, if I'm hungry or not; and I don't ask how my mood is."
"Speaking as the guy who has to clean the trays, I wish you would. Speaking as the guy who cooks the food, I'm glad to hear it."
Jack chuckled despite herself. "So. What do you eat?"
"Leftovers. I usually cook up whatever scraps don't fit on everyone's tray. The Chef's standard special is-"
"Pot-luck stew." Jack said it with him.
Jack nodded. "I hitch-hiked on a scrap freighter once. Hung out with the kitchen hands because I couldn't stand the rest of the crew. Cook there made a fantastic pot-luck stew every night."
"Every night?"
"He had a secret ingredient." Jack explained. "Grain alcohol."
Gardner laughed. "How is it upstairs? Above decks?"
Jack shrugged. "I don't know, they don't tell me things."
"Come on."
Jack felt her nerves fraying again, for some reason she couldn't define. "It's... quiet. Everyone's walking on eggshells up there."
Gardner nodded. "It trickles down. The crew follows the Captain. It's like that on every ship. The crew sees it, figures that's how the Captain wants his ship run, and they make it happen. Get a good Captain, you get a good crew."
Jack shivered. "What do we do?"
"Do?"
"They'll hang him for this." Jack said. "What do we do?"
"I don't know."
The crazy was building again. She had a thousand different thoughts fighting for first position in her brain, and they were impossible to control. She could feel them building up behind her eyes. She was losing it. Her eyes strayed to the knives in Gardner's workspace. Most of them were clean. Cerberus trained their guys pretty good. The knives were bound to be sharp. It would make the crazy stop for a second, keep the pressure in her head from...
No. She told herself. You don't cut yourself any more. He doesn't need to go stressing about you too.
Gardner hadn't seemed to notice. "Tell you one thing though, they call him back... he'll go. They try any of that crap about how the Reapers don't exist, there are at least eight people on this ship alone that won't let them pin the blame on him."
The pressure eased instantly, becoming cold and still. "I'm one of them" Jack said finally, not aware that she spoke.
Gardner just smirked easily, like he knew she'd say that.
Miranda checked the door was locked, steeled herself and activated the message. The Asari from the Illium Clinic spoke smoothly and sympathetically.
"Miss Lawson. As per your request for privacy, this message will be removed from our database upon confirmation of send integrity. While we cannot firmly attribute the cause of the benign neoplasm to the irregularity in your genetic makeup, we can confirm that the progressive damage renders you unable to conceive a child. About 12 percent of human women ages 18-54 have difficulty getting pregnant or staying pregnant according to data obtained-"
Miranda noticed a slight reflection in her view-screen and hit pause instantly. The Operative spun, and her perfect lips parted for a moment in shock. "How much of that did you hear?" She demanded swiftly
"I wasn't listening." Jack said indifferently. "You got a minute?"
Miranda blinked. Jack had never sought her out for anything less than full blown Vendetta before. "What can I do for you Jack?"
"We gotta have a plan." Jack said plainly. "I suck at plans. Cerberus got plans, and we gotta have a plan."
Miranda blinked. "You're coming to me for help?"
Jack growled low in her throat. "Can we not make a huge f-"
Miranda pressed a button on her console. "Hey Oriana? Jack's asking for my help!"
Blue fire flashed for a moment as Jack reined herself in. "ENOUGH!"
"Bye sis, I have to go help Jack." Miranda needled.
Jack got up and stormed for the door. "This was a mistake."
"What do you want me to say?" Miranda called after her softly, and Jack stopped without turning. "First of all, he blew up a Relay. Second of all... I don't even have a second of all Jack; he blew up a Relay."
Jack understood the point. Wars came and went, species rose and died out, empires collapsed and conquered; even the stars could die. But the Mass Effect Relay System had to go on. If it took another ten thousand years for any civilization to restore itself, they needed the Relay; and so did any one of a thousand other races or independents that traveled the stars. If you had to choose between a billion lives and a Relay, you didn't choose to save the people.
Shepard had lost both.
Jack sighed. "Look. We got people, we got guns, we got a bad-ass ship, we know he did the right thing. It comes down it it, let them try and take him." Blue fire flashed again. "Just let them try."
Miranda glared. "I would expect that from you. I know it may be hard for you, but think about this for a second. He hasn't been recalled yet. He hasn't been charged. There's no way to know how a trial would turn out... And he may not want us to break him out."
"What?" Jack was confused by that one. "Why wouldn't he want out?"
"Because if he gets dragged into a court martial, he'll be tried as an Alliance Soldier. Those are his people. He's a soldier. He won't want us burning through his fellow soldiers. Not for him. Not for anything. Plus... he might want to... Jack, he did do it. He's one of the good guys. Getting away with it might just be the harder option. He may want to face the music."
Jack just stared. "But... we won't let that happen, right?"
"I don't know." Miranda sighed. "What does he think?"
"He hasn't told me anything." Jack said. "He talk to you?"
"No." Miranda admitted. "This is probably going to get worse before it gets better."
"Usually does." Jack admitted, and rose to leave.
"Jack?" Miranda called. "How did you get in here? My desk faces the door. How..."
Jack grinned cruelly. "A lot of people wonder that. Most of them, it's the last thing they think."
Miranda bit her lip. "Seriously, how much did you hear?"
Jack didn't smile, didn't soften. "Cerberus, if you think that I want to spend any more time thinking or talking about you than absolutely necessary, you're out of your daddy's personally designed Frankenstein's monster of a brain. I came in here looking for a mastermind, and instead I got you."
The message was there. She'd heard everything, and wasn't going to talk. Miranda looked furious, and relieved at the same time. "Get the hell out."
Jack came back downstairs to her room. Shepard wasn't there. She went back up to his room. He had locked the door again. It stopped her for three whole seconds.
He was in bed, on top of the covers, with his hands behind his head. He was lying on his back, though his eyes were closed. Jack slid her boot off and climbed in next to him, taking her usual position under his arm. Shepard lowered his arms around her and held her to him.
Jack relaxed into it and hugged him back, nuzzling into his collarbone. Now this, I know how to do.
"Stay here tonight?" He offered quietly.
Jack didn't bother to answer. She just settled in. The night before Omega 4 had been... healing. Like he had been drawing poisons up from deep inside her with his touches, and then taking it away from her skin with his kisses. But the old wounds ran deep, and they had done little more since that night. Jack wondered sometimes if that was normal. She would have been amazed if it was.
"I'm sorry about before. Running out like that." Jack said finally. "...uh, I don't really know why I did."
"S'okay." Shepard said quietly. "Jack?"
"Hm?"
"You came out of the stars too."
The panic came back swiftly, and she summoned all the will she had not to run for it again, focusing all her energy on keeping herself still. He didn't say anything more. He had to know, the way she turned to stone in his arms. He didn't comment on it, and she didn't say anything in response. But eventually, she relaxed. She writhed against him gently, being very comfortable, his hand stoked up and down her spine gently.
But they didn't sleep. They couldn't. The fear that had choked the entire ship into silence and nervousness extended to them in this room as well.
"You know what the worst part is?" Shepard whispered finally.
Jack shivered. It was the first thing either of them had said in hours. "What?"
"When I saw the Relay blow, and I knew the colony had been destroyed... I was relieved."
Jack nodded. "Sure. Reapers weren't coming any more."
Shepard nodded. "Yeah." He lifted a and from her back and rubbed his eyes. "Just so many... sacrifices. Just one after another. Kaiden, Samara, Zaeed, Eden Prime, Normandy... My life, my job... Half the crew, most of the Horizon Colony... God, even A-" Shepard shut himself up real quick.
Jack said it for him. "Ashley. Even Ashley."
Shepard looked down. "Sorry."
Jack grit her teeth, and struggled not to let it show. "It was before we met, can't really be jealous."
Shepard just looked at her.
"Okay I'm jealous." Jack confessed. "I wasn't before, and I am now, and I just... don't really understand why."
Long silence.
"I do." He said softly, and put a gentle kiss on the top of her head. "S'okay. I feel the same way."
He slept then at last. Jack didn't. It took her a full three hours to figure out what he meant. By that time it was Reveille.
Jack came into the laboratory, and waited for Mordin to look up.
She waited a long time. "Hey?" She said finally. "Am I invisible?"
"Sorry. Busy. Trying to determine how scale itch got onto Normandy, sexually transmitted disease only carried by varren." He looked up from his scope. "Implications... unpleasant."
Jack blinked. "Yeah. Unpleasant. Look, I was wondering... you ever keep any scans of me? I know you got some after we blew out of Purgatory, but did you ever get any here? EDI scans us every time we come back from some planet."
"Standard protocol. Airlock procedures. Check for pathogens. Cross infection in close quarters very dangerous. Scale itch proof of that."
"Do you, or Cerberus, or anybody keep any of it?"
"EDI has a record. Cerberus controls have been removed. May be external backup from prior to Omega 4 Mission."
"But you don't have it?" Jack pressed.
"Not CMO. Crew not my Patients. Laboratory mine. Medical records not."
"Right..." Jack murmured. "Chakwas is the Doctor."
She stalked out without another word.
"You've never show interest before." Chakwas said carefully. "In fact, you seem to avoid me like the plague."
"Not you." Jack corrected. "Just this room. The techs back at Teltin all wore Cerberus colors, not Lab Coats; you're fine." Jack avoided the Medbay as a rule. Clinics and needles and medical equipment just brought up too many bad memories.
But Chakwas was a natural caretaker. "Jack... If you want an answer, I'd have to get you on the scanner."
Jack looked at the medical scanner, and the gurney, like it was about to attack her, but she squared her shoulders and lay back on the bed. The machine hummed to life and Jack felt the pressure building again from the sudden panic. She often wondered if it would make her head explode if she didn't do anything to blow off steam.
"When was the last time you were examined by a Doctor?" Chakwas asked kindly, working the scanner.
"After the hellhole?" Jack guessed, trying to distract herself. "Um... there was a medic once when I was a kid, after my first job. The doc who checked me out was working out of a back alley on Omega. There wasn't a hospital that would accept him."
Chakwas snorted in professional disdain. "Well, let's see if I can do better. We're done, you can get up."
Jack nearly levitated off the bed.
Chakwas turned to the console and started working through the results. "Are you experiencing any symptoms?"
"No."
"Any injuries? Sparring with Garrus or something?"
"No." Jack repeated.
"Then be honest with your doctor, my dear." Chakwas drawled. "What brings you by the Medbay?"
"Figured fifteen years was long enough to wait between check-ups." Jack waved that off. She told herself she wasn't competing with Miranda. Really, she wasn't.
Chakwas just glanced up from her screen and gave her a look.
"Yeah, okay." Jack shrugged. "Got to think about the future sometimes. Eventually. I never wanted any... well, anything normal. Just thought I should find out if..."
"Well, I'm afraid that your original diagnosis was accurate. There is... significant internal dysfunction. Looks like it was done chemically. Probably put in with whatever drugs they gave you. The chemical markers are still in your bloodstream, which suggests it was prolonged exposure, suffered at a young age... And it has likely rendered you infertile."
"I figured." Jack said, unconcerned. "I never learned about... All the things I've done; I figured if I hadn't popped a kid out by now, the reason would be that I couldn't."
"The good news, is that it is reversible. At least partially. Any chemical has a counter agent. I don't know what they used, but it looks like they wanted it to be possible to undo this particular... modification."
"Sure." Jack said. "They probably wanted to... make another me once they were done."
"Well, I don't know what a counter-agent would be yet, and having spent so long away from their control... We get a blood sample, and maybe Mordin could synthesize something. It might not help, but it raises the odds from 0% to as much as 35%." Chakwas tilted her head a bit. "If you like, I could..."
"No." Jack said immediately. "Did... did you ever tell Shepard? That I came to see you before Omega 4?"
"No my dear girl, or course not. Patient data is kept strictly confidential. Even on warships. I'm not Cerberus either; I would never tell. That's rule number one."
Jack nodded. "Good."
"I'm sorry, was that a Thank You?" Chakwas raised and eyebrow. "Because you're welcome."
Jack looked down. Chakwas was just one of those people you wanted to be polite to. You just couldn't snap at them.
The elder lady looked carefully at Jack's face. "Did you want him to know?"
"No." Jack said quickly. "I talked to Mordin. Nothing came up in my Tox scan. I don't have anything he could catch."
"If it's something you're worried about, then you should probably talk to him about it. If you're worried about that, then I could offer an alternative. If you like, I could note Shepard as your next-of-kin." Chakwas offered. "At least, while you're on board. Lots of the crew have him listed as having authority over them if they cannot make the decision themselves. If you said yes, I would be able to keep him fully apprised. He'd be able to make decisions if you were incapacitated."
Jack was actually tempted for a microsecond, before she leveled her sub-zero gaze on the Doctor. "Why should I?"
"Come now dear, don't think for a second I don't know what's going on."
Jack looked down. "It's complicated."
"It always is dear. That much at least is perfectly normal about you."
Jack snorted. "You've... known Shepard. Longer than I have."
"Longer than anyone here. Including Joker." Chakwas agreed.
Jack went still. "I could ask you anything, couldn't I?"
"Ask me."
Jack struggled to put it into words. "What should I be doing right now?"
The older woman sighed. "I don't know. He's hard to read. He's one of those people that would meet a stranger in the street and spend a day sorting out their deepest troubles, just for the experience that came of helping someone. Somebody like that doesn't accept help easily. Shepard never puts his problems on others. In fact, there have been very few people that he shares his own burdens with."
Jack went still.
"But, why don't you ask me what you really want to ask me?" Chakwas shot back.
Ashley. Jack thought. How would Ashley help him if she was here?
Jack started to ask...
...and ran out of the room, flipping Chakwas off as she did so.
She felt sort of bad about doing that.
He didn't sleep the next night either. Jack woke up twice from a light doze as he shifted. "Can't sleep?"
"Nope."
Jack reached over and pulled a packet out of her boot. "I swiped a few sleeping pills from Chakwas today. Figured you might need them."
"Jack..."
"You've had five hours sleep in three days." Jack interrupted. "I know. I was here. I counted. John, you can't keep that up. You're going to start having hallucinations; and if someone figures out what to do with you, you're gonna need your brain in gear."
Shepard sighed, and swallowed the pills dry. "Thanks Jack."
"You didn't need to have someone hook you up, y'know." Jack drawled, settling in next to him. "It's your ship. You need a sleeping pill, you ask for one."
"I've never used them." Shepard admitted. "Had to sleep light to survive back on Earth. And in the Alliance. When I needed sleep... I just found a place. Back at boot, half of us learned how to sleep while standing at attention."
Jack smirked. "When you're hungry, eat. When you're tired, sleep. Survivor's law."
"Survivor's Lawwwww..." Shepard slurred, the pills doing their job. He was asleep soon after.
A few hours later, she spoke again. "John?" She whispered. "You awake?"
Shepard didn't move, didn't answer. His breathing was slow and regular.
"I mean it. You awake?" Jack whispered, a little louder.
Shepard was still asleep, breathing slow and deep.
Jack bit her lip, eyes wide with panic, body frozen still. Just do it! She told herself. Just this once!
Jack took in a deep shaky breath, as quietly as she could. "I love you." She whispered, barely loud enough to hear it herself. She rolled her head up to look at his face. He hadn't woken up.
Smiling in relief, Jack nuzzled into his chest and let herself breathe again.
But she couldn't sleep. She couldn't shake the feeling that she'd done something terribly wrong. Like she'd crossed a line she couldn't uncross.
"You think about the future much Garrus?" Jack asked as the Turian wrapped her knuckles with bandages.
"As much as any soldier." The Turian said, finishing the job and stepping back into the cargo bay. It was a large flat space, and since the battle at the Collector's Base had vented half their cargo into space, it was empty enough for a practice room. "I try not to think too far past the next battle. It's bad luck."
"Me too." Jack said, and dropped instantly, sweeping her leg out under his. Garrus dropped and rolled with it, coming back to his feet. The two of them were pretty evenly matched. He was more skilled, but she was a lot more nimble.
Garrus's hand flashed out, and Jack reared back, just as he planned her to do, and she suddenly found herself smacking into the floor.
"Why do you ask?" Garrus asked coolly as she got to her feet.
"Well... Chakwas said something yesterday..."
"What?"
Jack shook her head. "No, never mind."
"Hey, you brought it up."
Yeah, you did. Jack told herself. "The Doc asked if I wanted to put someone down as Next-of-Kin. In case... If something ever happened to me, someone would get to make the call. To pull the plug or not, things like that."
Garrus nodded. "Yeah. I've got Shepard down as mine. Jacob has Miranda... Just makes sense, y'know? Our kind of life isn't easy or safe."
She lunged, getting her hands at his throat. Garrus grasped her elbows instantly, and broke the hold. She responded by planting a knee in his chest and throwing herself backward, pulling him off his feet before he could release his grip on her arms. Garrus was neatly flipped over.
Jack shrugged as he got back up. "I've never had anyone make choices like that for me. I mean... well, look at me. Nobody gets this much ink because they care how it'll look when they get old and wrinkly. I always figured if I couldn't make the call myself, I'd be better off dead. Now…"
Garrus was smiling at her.
Jack tensed. She wasn't used to people smiling at her. "What?"
"Nothing just... back when you first came on board, you would have killed anyone who suggested such a thing." He was teasing her, in that slow deadpan drawl, as only Garrus could. "You're all grown up. It's adorable."
Beat.
Jack threw him into the wall with a flash of blue fire, and an unholy shriek of demented rage.
By the time Garrus woke up, Jack was long gone.
She reviewed her week, and felt like gagging. She was talking about her living arrangements with Tali, Miranda was drafting her to help make Shepard eat and discussing plans, she was swapping recipes with Gardner; Chakwas was asking her for her next-of-kin, Garrus had become a confidant... She was part of the regular poker game with the engineering crew! How did this happen to her?
You're happier with him. She told herself. It's like you're new, but still the same. You're... more, when you're with him. Screw that. You're better with all of them.
So what? She raged at herself. Even if you want... this. Look in a mirror Zero, you don't belong here. What do you think is going to happen? Are you going to meet his mom? Have kids? Hold hands and go to the movies?
That's not his life either. She told herself. If you stayed with him... There'd be more of this. More war, more battle... and arms to hold you after. Something you never had before.
She'd screwed up. She had fallen in love. She didn't do that. Subject Zero was a death dealer, not a girlfriend. Barely a girl. She'd come close to this feeling only once, and people had died as a direct result. She wasn't going to do that again. Not to him, and not to herself.
She was already marching.
She didn't stop marching till she'd reached The Captain's Quarters. She didn't bother to knock.
He was staring out the window again. She came in at a quick walk, and crossed the room. He turned to look at her. "Y'know, you could just knock. It's not like I'd refuse to let-"
She took his face between her hands and kissed him passionately, making it as soft, and long and soulful as she possibly could. He responded quickly. She shook off her nerves. She knew more about killing people than she did about giving someone she really cared about a genuine, slow, meaningful kiss.
She slid her hands to his shoulders and pulled him in closer, pouring as much emotion as she possibly could into the merging of their lips.
After a thousand years, they broke apart for air.
"I should have done that days ago." She whispered in his ear. "I should have done what you did John; you couldn't fix me, but you saved me." She pulled him in for another loving kiss. "I should have done this for you too."
"It's..."
"So help me John, if you say that 'its okay', I'm leaving and this night will not have the ending you would prefer."
"Yes Ma'am."
Jack pulled him in close, pressing her whole body against his, and she led him back slowly toward the bed. She poured every bit of emotion she could into the next kiss as she slid his jacket off. It was their first time since Omega 4, and the first time his emotions were more raw and confused than hers were.
It was the only way she could think of to say goodbye.
Jack slipped out from his side late that night. He was sleeping peacefully. More peacefully than he had since That Day. More peacefully than he had with sleeping pills. He seemed... calmer. Better.
Jack let out a breath, feeling like she'd helped him out in some way. It was the best she could had hoped for; given who she was.
But he had been staring at the ceiling enough nights that he didn't wake up as she crept over to his desk, and started tapping out a message.
Dear John...
Jack deleted that one right away. No.
Shepard.
Never have I ever cared about anyone. I don't have a single happy memory that doesn't have you in it. That's the problem.
Jack deleted that one. No.
Shepard.
I wouldn't inflict me on my worst enemy, but somehow that doesn't seem to bother you, so...
Jack deleted that one. No.
Shepard.
I can't believe I'm doing this to you now. But that's the thing about wild ones. You try to take in a feral and they bite...
Jack deleted that. No.
Shepard.
Remember I wrote a poem once? I've written four more since meeting you. Love makes us all poets.
Oh, HELL no. Jack deleted that one twice.
Who said she even needed to leave a note? Who said she had to say anything? She'd warned him. She'd done it clearly. She'd said to him plain and simple: They had no future. He said he was okay with that. If he was lying, then it was his fault. If he expected more, then it was his fault.
You can't just leave without a goodbye.
Why not?
Same reason you're leaving.
Jack grit her teeth, hating herself fiercely. Come on. Be a grown up about this.
If you were being a grown up about this, you wouldn't be leaving.
You're talking to yourself, you crazy bitch; do you know that?
Oh shut up; you knew it'd happen eventually.
Jack took a breath, and pretended she was the sort of person who could be rational about things.
Shepard woke up and felt cold. It took him a moment to realize that she was gone. She usually left before Reveille, but he almost always woke up when she left. This time he slept through it.
Shepard rubbed his eyes, limbs feeling like lead. He hadn't slept more than a few hours since the day he blew the Relay up. It was no wonder he crashed.
The PA came on. "Reveille. Attention all personnel: it is now 0600. Reveille. Begin day watch. Night watch department heads make your reports to the duty officer of the day. First shift beings now."
Shepard reacted and checked his Omni-tool. He hadn't slept in, he didn't hear the shower running...
He had a new message waiting. Waking himself up, he opened it.
Shepard
You better get back to Earth. The Batarians are howling for your blood, and after the whole mess with Cerberus, The Council is six inches from joining them. The only thing I can think of to set the record straight is to give them a chance at you, but were we can set the rules. You split from everything official after you... Died. We got some chatter that says you split form Cerberus too. I assume that means you did whatever it was you needed to do. Another thing you'll get the chance to make your case about.
Shepard, I hate to be the bearer of bad news on this, but every controversial or criminal thing you've done since becoming a Spectre is easily justified by a coming invasion. Which would be fine, except that nobody has admitted it's coming.
Get back to Earth, and make your case. Off the record, there are at least two members of the Council who believe you, and haven't said anything. If you can get some evidence, or at the very least some compelling testimony behind you on the record, we might be able to get them to speak.
Hurry to Earth. I'll meet you there, and prepare you. Turn yourself over, and we can do this without warrants or handcuffs.
Anderson.
Shepard read it twice and scrubbed his face hard. "EDI?"
"Yes Commander?"
"Tell Tali I need a full damage report in the Conference Room, and tell Joker to prep for Relay Jump to Sol System."
"Understood." EDI responded. "Is everything okay?"
Shepard blinked. Even the AI was trying to get inside his head today. "Fine. Just fine."
Tali was waiting for him when he arrived. "You wanted to speak to me?"
"We've got a destination. It's at least three Relay Jumps from here. What's you best guess?"
"Collectors tore a few strips out of us, but it could have been worse. She's tore up along the ventral plating, but nothing external that we can't live with. Most of our supplies got destroyed in the cargo bay, so we may need to restock. Energy dampeners and couplings can handle one jump, but not three. We'll have to replace them, or rework the power grid. Either will take a few weeks. Are we going somewhere we can land for a full refit?"
"Earth has the shipyards to do it, but I don't know if we'll be welcome there." Shepard admitted.
Long silence. The whole crew had been waiting for a response to what had happened. The news that they were finally going somewhere would decide what that response would be. If they were handing Shepard over to prevent a war, they would be heading for the nearest Batarian colony. A trail before the Council meant going to the Citadel... If the Captain had to run for his life, they could be going anywhere.
"We're going to Earth?" Tali said gently. "Is that... wise?"
"Almost certainly not." Shepard responded. "But I have no choice. It's the only way to head off a major interstellar incident, possibly a war."
"They'll stop that by pinning the whole thing on you!" Tali exploded. "Shepard, I know this better than most. Politics trumps truth and justice!"
"There's another reason!" Shepard insisted. "If the Reapers do catch us by surprise, it won't be because I didn't warn everyone I could."
Tali's head tilted. "John... I don't want what happened to me to happen to you. You saved me then... I can't return the favor. I worry about you."
Shepard gave the kid a soft look, and held her hand. "I know you do. Tali, you've been on my crew longer than most. You've grown into a very remarkable woman. You're not the kid on Pilgrimage I met years ago. But you've traveled with me enough to know that the stakes are a lot higher than my future. If I can help... I wouldn't be the first to lose something because of what's coming. And those that have made sacrifices already... they lost more than I will under the worst case scenario."
Tali looked down, squirming a little under his look. "We can get replacement parts faster if we go black market. I know a few places on Omega."
"Omega?" Shepard repeated. "When were you ever on Omega?"
"During my Pilgrimage. And when we picked up Mordin. Remember? We met a few Quarians in the scrap shops. I kept in touch with them."
Shepard smiled broadly for the first time all week. "Tali, you've been hanging around with a bad crowd."
"This from the man dating Jack." Tali drawled.
Shepard chuckled and gave her hand a squeeze.
Omega was like her. It was dark, and it was dangerous, and it was vicious, and it held back nothing. You took your life in your hands when you went for a walk, and you could either be taking a random stranger home for a one night stand, or having a knife-fight within the hour. Respect was the rule. Respect, respect, respect. You see the other guy, you see the rifle on his back, you give him a wide berth.
And not one of them made so much as eye contact with Jack.
Jack liked that about Omega.
"Commander?"
Shepard keyed his omni-tool. "Go ahead Tali."
"The parts have been installed, the stores have been restocked. We can leave whenever you're ready. Jack isn't back yet. Said she had some things to pick up. I let her go, since we got a 10% discount thanks to her intimidating manner."
Shepard smirked. "Good to know. Thanks Tali."
Shepard checked his messages. One from Wrex, telling him that if he needed Sanctuary to avoid being shot, Clan Urdnot would be happy to have him. A message from Liara, sending along whatever evidence might back him up when his trail began...
A message from Jack, marked as 'Time-Delayed' and 'Personal'. He glanced around, and opened it.
John.
You make me better. And somehow... that doesn't scare me as much as I think it should. But I can't. I'm sorry, but I can't. Don't wait for me. I won't pretend I won't kill any woman who so much as looks at you while I'm away, but you shouldn't expect to see me again. It's a big galaxy, maybe we will, but I told you we would kill each other by now. In a way, you're lucky.
Please don't try to find me.
Jack
Shepard read it twice. He felt his shoulders slump, but he wasn't surprised. He knew it was coming. She had told him so enough times. It would be stupid to be surprised by this, let alone... No. He wasn't surprised, so he shouldn't be upset.
Right?
"Good luck Jack." He whispered. Clearing his throat, he keyed the comm. "All hands: Prepare for departure."
Kelly was waving. "Commander?"
Shepard left his private terminal and crossed the galaxy map to her. "Yes Kelly?"
"We can't leave yet. We don't have our full crew aboard."
Shepard sighed, but swallowed it. "Who are we missing?" He knew the answer.
"Just Jack. She hasn't signed in, but that's nothing unusual."
"Jack's not coming." Shepard said plainly. "Ready the ship for take-off."
Kelly looked downright alarmed. "Yes sir."
She didn't look back. Not at the ship, not at the windows, not at her memories.
Even over the constant roar of the dark Omega streets, she heard the sound of the engines. The familiar engines. She was relieved. If he came after her... she couldn't have handled it. It would have been ugly. He was like that. He always knew what she needed; even when she didn't.
There was no shortage of places one could hole up for the night in Omega. It was relatively easy to drive a few Bloodpack thugs out of a room in the slums. Batarian food wasn't exactly food, but it wouldn't kill her. She ate it, trying not to think about Gardner's Pot-Luck stew. When you get food, eat.
She stretched out on a cot wrapped in sheets that hadn't been cleaned in months, and she ignored the smell of urine and blood. When you get the chance, sleep.
She slid a hand over to the other side of the cot. The sheets were cold. Of course they were cold. She was alone.
She let herself cry then. Just a little. Once upon a time, she had no tears left. Shepard had changed that. Jack didn't even try to force them back now. She didn't know if she was growing up at last, or just jaded in some new way.
She wasn't scared of her tears any more.
AN: There won't be another chapter to this one. The story was a one-shot, and I hate to end it on a downer, but this was necessary. I added this one to connect ME2 to ME3. As of this point, if you want to know what happens next, you need the third game.