I get out of bed early. The sun is just barely threatening to rise outside of our window. Peeta's arms hold me close to his chest and I have to wiggle out slowly so I don't wake him. I walk the few feet to the bathroom acutely aware of the fact that I am still completely naked. My gray eyes have more life in them then they have had in months. Maybe ever. I can't control the smile that surfaces on my face. I look different. Last night was… perfect. Just as I am splashing water on my face the bathroom door swings open.
"Peeta!" I yell, startled, "Get out!" I fling a hand towel at him. Half asleep, he groggily tries to assess the situation before my hands are on his chest shoving him out the door. I shudder with embarrassment. I wrap a towel around my body and go back into the bedroom where he is pulling the covers back over him. "Don't you know how to knock? You think you can just barge into any door you want?"
His face is colored with confusion and credulity. "I just wanted to see if you were okay. You're not usually gone when I wake up."
"Yes, I'm fine!" I spit at him before pulling my clothes off the floor.
"Why are you so angry?" he asks.
"Because Peeta…" I feel my cheeks flush with humiliation. "You can't just walk in on people." He watches as I struggle to get on my shirt without letting the towel drop and expose my body. Recognition flashes on his face. He stifles a laugh.
"Katniss, I've seen you naked before. I think it's fair to say that your naked body will be forever etched in my brain after last night."
I say nothing in response. I simply climb back into bed and turn my back to him. He saw me naked in the dark. This is different. My scarred body, with its skin grafts, is repulsive.
"Katniss." He puts his arms around me and pulls me closer to his chest. "I think you're beautiful." So lightly I can barely tell that it's happening his fingers are pulling up the shirt I have just put on in haste. His fingers graze my damaged skin and send chills up my spine. He moves his lips closer to my ear, kissing my neck along the way. "You are beautiful," he repeats himself. "And if we are going to be married you have to get used trusting me with your body."
I don't notice that my breathing is doubled until I can feel his hand, resting just underneath my breast, rising and falling more rapidly. "Why aren't you nervous about it?" I ask.
He exhales, "Isn't it obvious? We've seen each other at our worst. Bleeding, crying, dying, hijacked…killing." A shudder runs through my body. He quickly diverts the conversation. "There's nothing you don't know about me. I don't care if you see me."
And there you have it. The Capital continues to steal our innocence from us. Peeta couldn't possibly be uncomfortable about being exposed in front of me because we have been through much, much worse than embarrassment. But this brings me hope. Because I am embarrassed about it. Not all of my adolescence has been squandered away by the Capital and their games. I still have this. This completely rational feeling of being embarrassed for my boyfriend to see me naked is still mine. I smile at this revelation.
He mistakenly takes the credit for this. "Have I convinced you?" he asks. I let him have this one. I turn my body towards and wrap my leg around his hip so I can move closer to him. He starts to pull my shirt up again with the intention of taking it off. I stop him.
"We should get up," I say as I kiss him on the cheek. He starts at my shirt again.
"No we shouldn't," he says with mock authority, inching his lips closer to my neck.
"Yes… we should." I begin to pull away. "I think we should stick to the routine. Everyone will be here for breakfast soon and I need to shower."
"I could come with you," he tries, hopefully.
"Not a chance," I yell over my shoulder going back into the bathroom. I need a minute to think. I could easily hop back into bed with him right now for round two. But then what? This is important. And special. It shouldn't be given away at a moment's whim. No. I will not let my hormones rule this situation.
I take a long, hot shower. I run the soap over my damaged skin and clean the night off of me. My body feels different. It's not mine anymore. Mine are not the only hands to caress these intimate parts. It's not different in a bad way. Just different. Foreign. After my long shower I step back into the bedroom, fully dressed. Peeta has gone and the bed has been made.
I feel a lonely, sinking feeling in my stomach. I shouldn't have sent him away the way I did. I ruined the morning after the best night of our lives. I don't know if the act of making love was better or the feeling afterwards. My body relaxed and new. His arms enclosed around me protectively. Hearing his breath regain control after…after. No, I should have not sent him away. I will have to make it up to him.
Downstairs I find all the usual guests. Haymitch, Graesy Sae, her granddaughter and Peeta all wait for me at the breakfast table. The smell of fresh baked bread engulfs the entire room. Peeta has a smile on his face that could be seen from the Capital. I meekly return the gesture. I had planned on acting casual, convinced they would know just be looking at me. He's ruined that. He's ecstatic beyond control.
"Oh, boy," Haymitch says as I take my seat.
I glance around the table. Everyone watches him. His eyes move from my paranoia to Peeta's elation and he shakes his head. I kick Peeta under the table.
"Ouch! What was that for?" He leans down to rub his chin, his smile forming into a grimace.
"Let me tell you two something," Haymitch starts.
"Please. Don't," I interject.
"No, sweetheart, this is important," he continues. "Now, I'm thrilled to death to see some life in your eyes again but love is a powerful thing. It makes you stupid." He moves his eyes back to Peeta who is again beaming with joy while staring at me. Why not just announce it to the whole town? He slams his hand on the table to get our attention. "Don't be stupid," he says, pointing his finger in my face. "Be smart," he finishes, with a finger in Peeta's direction.
"What'd I miss?" Graesy Sae's granddaughter asks as she shovels hot bread into her mouth.
"Mind your business, dear," Graesy Sae tells her, passing the butter. She catches my eye with an expression that tells me I have not heard the end of this.
I am not wrong.
After breakfast she catches me as I'm heading out for a walk. "Can I walk with you?" she asks, already beside me with her jacket on.
"S-sure," I stammer, feeling trapped. We stroll through the wasteland that was District 12. The town is slowly rebuilding itself but not fast enough. We quickly divide back into the have and the have not's. We have. They have not. We try to distinguish this imaginary line by helping out around the community with free food and labor. But people are stubborn. No one wants a handout. We offered to move the remaining residents into the Victor houses. They are large enough to hold the whole town but everyone refused. I don't blame them. I miss the Seam too. If my old house hadn't been destroyed in the war I'd be back there living in squalor with the rest of them.
"Look, honey, it's obvious you and Peeta are in love," she starts. "And I know Haymitch can be a pain when he's sober with his fatherly advice…and when he's drunk with his belligerent meddling but he means well. And he's right. But you're a smart girl and I'm sure you already know that, don't you?"
If I pivot my foot just to the left I can make a direct line for the woods. She'll never find me in there. The woods are mine and I can hide from this humiliation. I calculate the commotion it'd make if I made a run for it now. She puts her arm around my shoulders. Damn! I can't run now and risk knocking her down.
"You know he's right, don't you?" she repeats herself.
Ugh. Fine. Talk fast. Then escape. I know this game. "Peeta and I aren't going to be stupid about it."
"So it did happen then? You guys have started a…sexual relationship?" I feel my cheeks blush wildly and I am thankful I left my long hair out of its braid today. I pull hair down on either side of my face to hide my expression. "You can talk to me. I've been there. Plus, I promised your mom I'd look out for you and this is important."
I feel her arm stroke the back of my head in an effort to comfort me. This can't be easy for her. How long has it been since she's had to initiate this conversation? I concede.
"Just last night. It was the first time. For both of us," I finally tell her.
She exhales deeply and doesn't speak for so long I begin to relax in hope that this conversation is over.
"Were you careful about protecting yourselves?" she finally asks. Crap. I hadn't thought of that. Neither of us had. Who the hell has time to think about these insidious details when there is that much need going on? I hang my head in shame at my idiotic lack of judgment. "I'm going to take that as a no."
I peer up at her from under my eyelashes and through my hair. A distinct frown has formed on your face. "Listen," she continues, "Bringing a child into the world can be a beautiful thing –,"
"Oh, I don't want kids," I cut in. "I'm not bringing a child into this world!" I guffaw at the very thought.
"Well then you need to be careful, Katniss. Where do you think babies come from?" she asks.
"I know where they come from. I am aware of the repercussions of not being careful but I just…I just…lost my head, I guess," I admit. I did lose my head. Lose may not be the best word. Gave. I gave my head. And my body. And my heart. And my life over to Peeta last night. I flashback to the way his hips felt cradled in between my legs. His sturdy hands, holding onto my body as if his life depended on it. I feel something inside me then. The feeling of want has returned. We've just entered into town when I gradually make a loop so we can head back. I want.
"I'm not here to take the fun out of this. I was young once. I remember what it was like. I'm just here to tell you that there are things you can do. Precautions you can take to make sure that you don't inadvertently bring a child into this hellhole," she mumbles the last word under her breath. I smile. I have an ally on this one.
"What kind of precautions?" I ask.
She laughs. "Well haven't you ever heard of birth control?"
"Of course," I answer. Sure I've heard of it. Just like I've heard of something called "VCRs" and "CD players." It doesn't mean I know what the hell it is.
She senses this. "We'll get you some condoms. They are old fashioned – and not as fun -," she elbows me with a smile at this, "but they get the job done. Haymitch will show Peeta how to use it and then we'll never have to talk about this again, ok?" she squeezes my shoulders and I'm thankful to be almost home.
As we round the corner of Victor Village I see Peeta and Haymitch on the side of the garden. Peeta's eyes are wide and uncomfortable. Haymitch has an ear of corn in his hand and is motioning something with the other. He then starts thrusting it in the oddest way.
"Oh, Lord," Graesy Sae exclaims, "We're back!" We walk over to the two and she grabs the corn out of his hand. "Give me that. Come on."
They walk toward his house and I'm left with Peeta in his state of discomfort. He takes a deep breath before facing me. "Haymitch just told me the weirdest thing," he says.
"Believe me, I know." I take his hand and guide him back to the house. "We need to talk." After closing, and locking, the door behind us I turn right into Peetas arms and lips. He hoists me onto his hips by my backside and my legs are instantly straddled around him. Before I know what's happening he's whisking me up the stairs and setting me onto our bed.
My fingers move without reason to unbutton his shirt. His hands pull up mine over my head. We were going to talk about something. It was important. But I can't recall what and I don't care to at this point.
"I'm sorry," I blurt out, in the middle of breathy kisses. He stops. "I'm sorry about this morning. I panicked. Of course, I trust you with my body." I place his hands on my bare breasts. He gulps hard and with distinct effort tries to regain his composure.
"I'm glad," he says, his breath coming back to him. "Because I meant what I said Katniss, you are beautiful. I feel self conscious too sometimes. About my leg. My scars. But none of that matters. It's what's in here that matters." He moves his right hand over my heart.
Then my lips are crashing into his again. Our hands feverishly undress each other and we fall into one another again. This time, we slow down. There's no rushing to meet the hankering desire. This time, there is a slow build up. It builds and builds and builds and before I know it I can feel my muscles clenching the way they did last night. My heart is pounding and my mind has given complete control over to this internal sensation rocking through my body. Peeta stops when it's over. He watches me as I come back to him with a smile.
"Katniss," he whispers. I'm not ready to talk. I let out something like a moan in response. "I can feel you…" I try to pay attention to what he is saying. There's a feeling inside me, wrapped around him. It's like a… dropping sensation. As if something inside me is lowering itself to meet him.
Precautions! Shoot!
Peeta starts rocking into me again and the sensation sends my nerves into overdrive. The internal combustion returns and goes on and on and on. It's deeper and with each meeting of our bodies it catapults my desire a hundred fold.
Afterwards, we have the best day nap anyone has ever had in history. I wake to find him watching me, his face colored with adulation. He is beautiful. And he is mine. I move in for a kiss but then remember. We need to talk.