Peeta nuzzles his face into my neck and when I finally find the will to push him off of me I realize I know exactly what Haymitch meant when he said love makes you stupid.
"What's wrong, Katniss?" he asks, rejection plastered all over his face.
"Nothing's wrong," I tell him. I sit up in front of him, wrapping the blanket around my body. "If we're going to be doing this," I gesticulate between our naked bodies, "then we need to make sure that we don't accidentally get me pregnant." It wasn't the most articulate way to say it but it got the point across. "And we need to get married," I add. Might as well get it all out at once.
He speaks quickly without really thinking about what I've said. "First, we can get married today if you want," he smiles at this. "Second, Haymitch was just telling me that we can use condoms so you don't get pregnant. I promised we wouldn't do it again without them but…I guess I got carried away." Another smile, as he reaches for my body under the blanket. "Besides, I'm not too worried about it. There are worse things in the world then the thought of you carrying my child." He leans in to kiss my lips.
"Stop that!" I snap, pulling away from him. "Can we just have one conversation without you groping me?" I climb off of the bed, falling over the covers that wrap my body. "It would be the worst thing, Peeta. The very worst thing if got pregnant. I don't want to bring a baby into this world. Not now, not ever. You think just because we had sex that would change?"
He watches me closely and a cross between pain and humiliation appears on his face. I didn't want to make him feel bad. I never want to make him feel bad. He must know this, though. How many times have I spoken about my disdain for this inept world we live in? Surely, he must have known this. The silence becomes almost too much to bear when he finally speaks.
"You want to marry me. But you don't want to make a family with me," he clarifies.
"You are my family Peeta. We are family. The two of us," I sit next to him and take his hand, feeling guilty for hurting his feelings. "I don't need anything more than you. You are enough."
He takes another excruciating long pause contemplating this. "Maybe, when things get better around here, you'll change your mind. We're young. You still have another twenty years to change your mind. After all, you changed your mind about wanting to get married, right?" My heart crumbles then because I know I'll never change my mind about this. And I know that Peeta needs this hope. But maybe after enough time has gone by he'll see that we are enough, that we don't need anyone else to fill our lives. And because I need him so badly in my life I hate myself for what I have to do next. I lean my body into his and let his arms surround me with his familiar warmth and comfort.
I take a deep breath, to steady my voice, before I speak, "Maybe you're right," I lie. "Maybe I will change my mind someday."
He takes my face into his hands, relief washing over his expression. "That's all I'm asking for. An open mind." When he forms his lips to mine the guilt for lying to him is overwhelming. I can't catch my breath and I'm struggling to keep my expression steady so he won't notice what a despicable excuse for a person I am. "Now let's go get married," he finally says.