Wow! I'm amazed at how strongly everyone is reacting to these last few chapters. Hope this makes you all feel better. :)
Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games or any characters. These belong to Suzanne Collins.
I avoid eye contact with everyone at breakfast. No one presses me to join the conversation so it's easy to be ignored. Our two day stay with my mom is almost over. The tension has faded between her and me. She seems more relaxed now than she did yesterday. But the tension isn't gone. It's only been displaced. Now it's Peeta and I who are on the outs. Not directly. But indirectly, it's loud and clear.
"Is there anything special you want to do today?" my mom asks us. Haymitch and I keep our heads down, ignoring the conversation. Peeta is a cordial as always.
"Not at all. Staying in and relaxing with you is special enough," Peeta says to her with a genuine smile. His words melt my heart. He's unbelievably sweet. I reach under the table to find his hand but then stop myself. I'm not sure if I deserve that yet. Because of the dream. I've never thought about Gale that way before. Maybe now that I have some experience it's easier for my mind to imagine these things.
Peeta and my mom clear the table leaving Haymitch and I to our silence. He takes out his flask and takes a drink before wordlessly passing it to me. My mind says no but my instincts say yes, I take it and take a long swig.
"You're a bad influence," I tell him.
"Thought that was what I was here for," he says. He clears his throat. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asks.
Do I want to talk about it? Do I even want to think about it? "I'm not sure yet," I answer.
"It's not just going to go away," he threatens me.
"Maybe it will. Maybe he won't come back."
Haymitch laughs. "Oh, he's coming back. Maybe not today but he will. Until you make it absolutely clear to him."
"Can't I just have him as a friend? Can't we go back to the way it was before?"
"Don't be an idiot," he says. "Nothing ever goes back to the way it was before." I move over so I'm sitting right next to him. His words are a warning but they make me feel better.
"I'm glad you're here," I say honestly. I try to hold back my immense gratitude because I know he'll make fun of me. Or say something mean. I don't think I could take it right now. But I am. I am glad he's here. He's my rock. He scoots his chair out and rises. He walks a few steps away from the table but then returns. He musses the hair on top of my head before going back upstairs. The gesture brings tears to my eyes.
Okay, yes, I do love Gale. A little bit. Not like I love Peeta. Peeta is in a class all his own. I know I will never really deserve him because he is too good for me. It's not like Gale and I. We are not good people. And for that we do deserve each other. He'd never leave me though. Even if he thought I wanted to be with Gale, Peeta would never leave. He'd stay just to be my friend if it meant he could still see me. But this doesn't matter because I'll never leave Peeta. He is my husband. I pledged my life to him. And who is Gale? An old friend, that's all. A ghost of my past.
Peeta comes back to the table. I try to stop crying but it's futile. The tears won't stop. I don't even know what I'm crying for. I feel grateful for Haymitch, sad for Peeta, guilty about Gale. I haven't even assigned a feeling to my mom yet.
"You should go find him," Peeta says, sitting next to me. I shake my head no. "Yes, Katniss. Go find him. You always do better when you sit and talk it out." He's right. Of course he is, he's my husband and he knows how I work. Moments pass as I think about this.
"Katniss," he asks. I meet his eyes for the first time today. "Do I…" he pauses, finding his composure. "Do I have anything to worry about?"
His words cut me deep. He thinks I'm going to leave him? Isn't this supposed to be the other way around? I was the one worrying about him leaving me. He's the one who could do better. Not me.
"Of course not, Peeta," I tell him. And I mean it. I move over and sit on his lap because it feels like the right thing to do. "I missed him. He was my best friend and the only one I trusted for a long time so it's hard to see him and not feel all of that. But it's not like you and me, Peeta. It doesn't even compare." I tell him. Maybe I do miss being self sufficient but there's only reason I get out of bed in the morning. And that reason is Peeta. "You're the only thing that matters in this world to me."
He breathes relief and a smile dances on his lips. I know he believes me but there still's something about the way he's looking at me that tells me he's being cautious. He is right about one thing. I have to find Gale. I need to talk to him one more time. Luckily, he does the work for me because no sooner do I think it does someone knock at the door. We both know who it is.
"Are you ready for this?" Peeta asks.
"No," I tell him truthfully. He smiles at me, placing his lips on mine. I try make the kiss last longer, lingering my tongue along his but he stops me. When he lets Gale in they exchange a few words I can't hear before Gale comes to find me.
Seeing him again, in the flesh, is a shock to my system all over again. I don't know where Peeta disappears to but I don't see him again.
"Hey, Catnip," Gale says with a smile. It's amazing how much like a man he looks. He always looked older than the other kids our age but it's even more pronounced now. Maybe it's the stubble on his jaw line from not shaving. Or perhaps the way his dark hair is cropped short, making his grey eyes look almost translucent. How many times have I gotten lost in those eyes? Or the age in the smirk he is giving me now.
My dream pops back into my mind. Why would I think of Gale in that way? What does it say about my feelings for him? Or does it even matter? Because the nightmares don't matter. They are just flashbacks amplified by fear and sadness. So what is this dream then? A fantasy… amplified by what?
I take Peeta's advice and decide to stop thinking and just talk. My words will work themselves out. "Do you want to go for a walk?" I ask.
"Sure," he says, pulling my chair out for me.
We walk along the streets of district 4. The medical factory is the largest building and everything else seems to point to it. The street my mom lives on is lively. There are families everywhere. The lawns are filled with children's laughter and play. It's peaceful. I could see Peeta and I on a street like this, being a part of a community. Though, Haymitch would take some convincing.
We lay in the grass. It's a beautiful day; the sky is bright blue, no clouds. The wind is just barely blowing the leaves back and forth creating a sound so soothing it can only be found in nature. We are so far off the path of the park we found that it feels like we are alone in the woods again. Just Gale and I. In our own world. I smile at the familiarity.
"That's something I've missed," Gale says. I hadn't noticed he was watching me. His thumb reaches over and strokes my bottom lip. His fingertips are much softer than I remember them being. He must not have to hunt for his food anymore. I imagine him in his fancy suits with his fancy job in a new fancy house. A world away from the simple life that Peeta and I have built.
I close my eyes and take his hand from my face. Interlocking my fingers with his I don't think. I just try to feel. At first it's slightly uncomfortable because his hands are not Peeta's. But then it becomes more recognizable. It's subtle at first. His knuckles, the lines of his palm, the scars. Then the warmth. The unbelievable warmth. His hand holds mine securely and confidently and I imagine what it would be like if I never had to let go. What would it be like if we could be best friends again?
It occurs to me that I don't even know why Gale showed up on my mom's doorstep today. I look over to his body lying next to mine. He's still watching me with peaceful content.
"You go first," I order him. He laughs. It makes me smile.
"I don't know how," he says.
"Me either," I reply. He hesitates as if trying to settle something in his mind before moving on. I don't mind the pause; it gives me a chance to try to turn my brain off.
"Do you love me?" he boldly asks. I wasn't expecting this to go that quickly. The surprise staggers my thoughts. And then I remember, no thinking. Just talking.
"Yes," I declare. His grey eyes flood with hope. It breaks my heart. For a million reasons. "But –," I start, but he cuts me off.
"Then leave him," he tells me. "Come back with me to 2, Katniss. Or I'll go with you to 12. Or wherever you want. I'll go anywhere as long as I'm with you. I know I can make you happy." His eyes are moving from mine to my lips and I know what he's thinking. He waits anxiously for my response, making it nearly impossible to say what has to be said.
"No," I tell him firmly. "I'll never leave him." His face crumples almost as immediately as it dared to hope. "Because I love him, Gale. He is my husband," I tell him as I raise my left hand to exaggerate the ring on my finger. He looks away from it, his eyes falling and a crease forming at his brow. I can see his teeth gritting in frustration as he tries to hold his tongue.
"If I had gone back –"
"You didn't," I interject.
"But if I had –"
"You can't do that!" I interrupt him again. "You don't get to do this! He came back for me. You didn't!"
"I wanted to," he says. I expect him to be upset but instead he appears angry. Is he mad at me? Or Peeta? Or maybe himself? Either way, he doesn't deserve angry. I'm the one who deserves to be angry.
"Then why didn't you!" I sit up and face him, my hands shoving him in rage. "You abandoned me!" I scream so loud that I'm sure passerby's can hear us but I don't care. I've held it in far too long to be quiet now. "You just left me. Alone. To rot in 12 by myself. How could you do that? You were my best friend! I didn't have anyone else, Gale."
"I know," he cries. "I know. I'm sorry, Katniss."
"Why? Why would you do that?" I ask him over and over. My chest is ripped open. A disparity so great crashes down on me that I'm crippled. I can't talk. I can't think. All I do is feel. Mixtures of emotions fight for my attention and I realize I've been holding it in this whole time, since the Capital dumped me back at home. I did feel relief when I found out he wasn't coming home but that was a band aid for a bullet wound. I let the emotions take over and abandoned wins out.
He buries his face in his hands and his chest heaves with pain, desperately trying to catch a breath. I watch his whole body give in to the unrelenting anguish. He doesn't have to tell me why this hurts him because I already know. I know he's ashamed. I know he's regretful and desperate to change it but it's too late now.
"I love you," he tries. "Please, Katniss. I love you," he begs for what he does not deserve, tears filling his eyes. He sits and pulls me to him but I push him away and scream at him then cry with him for too much to ever understand.
I end up close to him. Too close to him because his lips are suddenly on my neck. They are on my jaw. My cheeks. They inch closer to my lips. His arms are wrapped around my body and it's all consuming. There is nothing else in this world but Gale and I. Time is no longer linear. It's cyclical and we are as we would have been if there was no reaping. No games. We're two people destined to fall in love with one another. He places his hands on either side of my face and waits for a sign to stop. Or go. When I don't respond he leans into my lips.
I push him away and yell obscenities. But he is persistent and his arms are around me again. His lips are fighting to find mine. I tell him to stop and that I don't want this but these are just words. I give up trying to stop him because he is too frenzied to be reasoned with. He mistakes this for acceptance and now he's kissing me. I don't kiss him back. I don't move an inch to help his kiss but I do realize that it hurts and feels good all at once. I feel my heart speed up with pain and pleasure, intertwining into a frenzy of uncertainty. It's wrong but it was supposed to be right. It was supposed to be this way.
His lips are frantic and desperate. They devour me with a sweltering, potent passion. He wants me too much. He's trying too hard. He knows this is his only chance to convince me. We were supposed to be together but not like this. Never like this. Only then do I realize… I hate him. For thinking he can just come back and try to get me to go with him. I hate him for only wanting me after Peeta came into my life. I hate him for not coming back to 12. I hate him for his eyes that I love. I hate him for his hands that I trust. I hate him for every memory that I will never get rid of, of feeling safe with him and alive and free. I hate him for making me need him and then disappearing. I hate him for trying to make himself an option again.
He pulls his lips away from mine and I see his eyes. They are red with tears but determined as ever. I regret finding them because I know they will haunt me.
"Let me go," I whisper.
"No," he says firmly. "We belong together, Katniss."
"This is wrong," I tell him.
"You're only saying that because you think that's what you're supposed to say. Stop thinking about him," he begs me. "Think about you. What do you want?"
"I will never stop thinking about him. He came back for me. You didn't."
"Not because I didn't love you."
"Why are you doing this now?" I ask him in frustration. He's still clutching to my body but I am leaning as far away from him as I can manage.
"Because I can't live like this anymore."
His answer infuriates me. "You don't get to do this!" I try to wiggle away from him again but he just holds on tighter.
"Do you love him more than you love me?"
I hesitate because they aren't levels of more or less. There is just love. And I love them both. But there is a distinction between my feelings for them. And it's that distinction that I have to make absolutely clear.
"I don't love you like that, Gale. I love you but I'm not in love with you." I know it's the truth as soon as I say it and it brings me relief. It doesn't matter if I had an errant dream about him or if I clung to him and cried the night before. I don't want him the way I want Peeta. And maybe I have doubted it in a moment of weakness but I know it's true now more than ever. Gale's lips on mine were wrong for so many reasons. But the main reason was because his lips weren't Peeta's and for that they disgust me.
I just want my best friend back. No more, no less.
"You're lying," he says, but I know he believes me. His face is hard, trying to contain whatever emotion that is bubbling at the surface. I have to make him understand no matter how much it's going to hurt him.
"I choose Peeta, Gale. I choose him. You have to accept that. I cannot live without him. And you…," it pains me so much to say it.
But I have to because if I don't he'll never understand. He'll always think that he may have a chance and he never will. It's going to break his heart in a thousand different ways because it will place the blame on him and him alone.
"You…," I continue relentlessly, "You left me. And when you did…you proved to me that I can live without you." And just to make absolutely sure he understands, I tell him, "I will never recover if I lose Peeta. Never."
His face twists with the deep wound I have inflicted. He doesn't speak. He doesn't have to. I understand what he is feeling.
And with that understanding I absolve myself of him.
I don't know where he goes but I go straight back to my mother's house. I don't have to go far to find Peeta, he is sitting on the front porch.
I bound up the stairs, pull him to his feet and take his face into my hands the same way he always does to me. His expression is calm but I can see the worry deep in his eyes. When I don't speak he asks, "Everything okay?"
"I'm not going to lie, Peeta. I missed him. A lot more than I thought I did. I miss him being my best friend - that's it. It's good that he came though…I held that in for far too long. We both said what had to be said. Now we can move on." I tell him. "I know, from experience, that I'll get over it. Just like I did before. As long as I have you I don't need anyone else."
"What about me?" Haymitch slurs. He stumbles out of the front door and lands in the chair next to Peeta's. "You need me, too," he laughs, taking a drink out of his flask. I wonder how many consecutive hours he's been drunk.
"So you took care of the other one?" Haymitch goes on to ask. I release Peeta from my embrace and we lean against the railing, facing Haymitch.
"Yeah. I took care of it," I tell him reluctantly.
"How'd he take it?"
"Not good."
"Good," Haymitch says. "That means you did it right." I don't immediately respond. "Look at the bright side, sweetheart. One nightmare faced, only about a hundred left to go," he laughs and passes me his flask. I take a drink without hesitation.