AN: 'Fear of imperfection', continuation of 'Swinophobia'-because Jonathan should not have opened that box of crazy.

McStaken-There are things that I don't want to know. What Valentin's problem is...that's a big one.

Willis 'Zapper' (shut UP, it's a gang name, okay, all the pros have one) Mikkelson isn't so sure this was the best idea after all.

Okay. So what happened is that a really…creepy…kid in a scarecrow costume had…hired him. Seriously, that's why he's here, to play armed muscle to the baby psychopath.

But whatever, he's getting paid, it's Gotham, there's gotta be weirder people to work for.

He could be stuck with Zsasz as a coworker. That's gotta suck, right? Right?

Although right now, that's not seemin' too bad.

The guy at the door looks like an old-timey butcher, stained apron, cleaver, and all. Zapper's tempted to slam the door and walk away, but, uh…his boss wears a scarecrow costume. So maybe this is a friend. Or whatever.

"Uh."

The butcher snorts and snuffles and finally wheezes, "Craaaaane?"

Uh. Okay.

"Hang on."

Crane's off somewhere and yeah, he said do not disturb, but there's a butcher at the door and Zapper figures that's important.

"-no, I'm telling you, it's the old lady, no one ever suspects the old lady."

"Which means it's too obvious! No. It's the mystery man, it's so obvious that you'll discount it."

"There is no mystery man, it's a lie-"

Zapper grits his teeth and knocks on the door. The voices hush and a second later, it swings open.

"What."

"There's…" He swallows, which is stupid because Crane's literally like nineteen or something but he's creepy. "There's a guy. Here. That wants to see ya, boss."

"No."

"He's like this butcher guy, he's got a knife-"

Crane's eyebrow goes up and Zapper grimaces. You can laugh all ya want, kid's unsettling. He doesn't blink like normal people. He might be a vampire. Who knows.

"Looks a little plastic?"

"Uh-huh." Blink. Please, please blink, he's sorry for disturbing the discussion 'n all but bliiiiink. "Sorry, boss, I just kinda figured-"

"It's fine, Mister Mikkelson." He rubs his eyes and twists around to talk to Richardson. "Kitty-"

"What now?"

"Don't look at me."

WHAT.

Okay. Okay. So the creepy guy at the door scares the creepy guy in here and he is not paid enough for any of this.

Should've applied with Penguin. God dammit. This is what ya get for postin' on fuckin' Craigslist, Zaps!

"Say we're not here?"

"He already tracked us down."

"Kill him."

"It's Gotham, he might resurrect with a grudge, look at Kean-"

I hate my life.

"Mister Mikkelson." He straightens up. "Go downstairs and talk to Mister Valentin. If he decides to be…pushy…shoot him."

"Uh, okay, boss."

He goes back downstairs, suddenly a lot more alarmed than he was earlier. The butcher-Valentin?-has come in, turned his attention to a crack in the cement wall. Zapper…doesn't wanna talk to him. He's clearly fine, right? Entertained.

Unfortunately, Valentin turns around and makes that weird gasping-snort again.

"No, no, no, no." What. "Look at this! Look-at-this." Look at what? What's going on? Why is this plastic butcher man looking at him like he just pissed on his mother's ashes? "Hm. Never mind. We will fix this."

FIX WHAT. FIX WHAT. BOSS WHERE ARE YOU THERE IS A CRAZIER MAN THAN YOU IN THE LAIR.

Zsasz is probably a great coworker.

"Uh, look man, Crane'll be down in a minute, so uh…" He doesn't want to shoot the guy. Nothing's really happening yet. "Did you catch that Knights game the other night?"

The plastic butcher man inhales and moves closer, hand reaching out. Zapper takes several steps back.

"Let me see…shave. Yes, yes, the beard must go first."

NO. He spent three months growing out this beard!

"Mister Valentin." Oh, thank fuck. He's never been so grateful to hear Crane. Well, except for that first day when he was starry-eyed and dumb and happy to have a job. "What brings you here?"

"Jon-aaaaa-than!" Can he go? "We must talk, yes?"

"No." Crane sounds a little annoyed. "If I wanted to talk to you, I would have let you know, as per our arrangement."

"It has been…weighing on my mind." Zapper eyes the door, wonders if he can throw himself at Penguin's feet and beg for a job. 'Least that lot has rules. "You need…assistance."

"I really don't-"

"Nnnngh!" An offended squeal. "Look at this!" He gestures at…at…Zapper's just gonna guess 'everything'. "I cannot-I will not-work with such…such…" His hands spasm. "Such imperfections!"

Uh.

Okay?

Crane sighs. He's not in the scarecrow costume, but he's brought the scythe down with him. That's probably bad-Zapper's seen him use that on some poor guy before. It's sharp and he's faster with it than you'd think.

He's just gonna get out of the way.

"I'm going to give you to the count of three, Mister Valentin." he says, voice flat. "And then I'm going to have Mister Mikkelson shoot your kneecap out."

Uh. Okay. He's not a great shot, but he can do his best.

He readies his shotgun and Valentin's face twists, nose scrunching up and teeth jutting out from overly plump lips.

"No. The police are perfect. You must be perfect too. For your good, yes! Yes. For your good."

"Mister Mikkelson, shoot him."

What about the count to three?

Oh, well…

Two things happen. One, Zapper does what he's told and squeezes the trigger. Two, Valentin moves faster than he has any business moving, meat cleaver swinging in Crane's direction.

Richardson yanks him sideways. Zapper's bullet misses the kneecap-he can't hit moving targets, okay, he's working on it!-but grazes the thigh, sending blood and a chunk of white squishy stuff spattering onto the floor. Valentin stumbles, lurches forward, and-

SCHWING!

The cleaver skitters across the floor, followed by the hand that was clutching it. Crane readjusts his grip on the now very bloody scythe and uses the pole to nudge Valentin onto his back. The man's squealing in pain, clutching the gushing stump in his remaining hand.

"Boss?"

Crane ignores him, preferring instead to run a shaky hand through his hair and murmur, "Thanks." to Richardson.

"Told you he was a nutter." she says, but her voice is weak and her hand's still gripping his sweatshirt.

Crane tilts his head and they both move a little closer to Valentin. Zapper wonders if he's been lucky enough to be forgotten. Not that he's complaining.

"Go get something to stop the bleeding, Mister Mikkelson." Not so lucky. Damn. "As for you, Mister Valentin…I have something that'll just make this perfect."

The last thing Zapper sees before he leaves the room is Richardson handing Crane a plastic pig's mask.

He doesn't even wanna know.

THE END