YJ: Insecurity
A week after their sessions with Black Canary all the kids seemed to be getting better, they would smile again and behave like kids again, all but Robin. Even though the boy tried his best to be his usual carefree happy self whenever he thought no one was looking he would let the exhausting act drop. The boy was spending more and more time at the mountain and every time Batman was in the room the boy seemed uncomfortable. Everyone was starting to notice but whenever someone tried to say something Robin would brush them off and promise that he was fine. The only one who didn't seem to notice Robin's condition deteriorating seemed to be Batman. Finally the children volunteered Kaldur to be the one to talk to Batman about this.
"Batman. I know we should handle our own problems and we are responsible for taking care of each other, but there seems to be something bothering Robin and he is keeping it to himself." Kaldur said a little apprehensively under the solemn man's stare. Kaldur brought up images on the security footage with Robin's crestfallen face. "Although he tries to pretend we don't think he has recovered from the exercise."
"Black Canary reported that he responded well in the therapy session." Batman frowned looking at his protégé's clearly distressed face, a little crossed with himself that he didn't notice. "However I will have to look into this."
"Dick, you seem distracted." Bruce said as a swipe of his arm connected with the boy's chest sending the boy off his feet onto the ground. The acrobatic boy could have normally dodged that.
"Sorry." Dick apologized picking himself up. Bruce waited for Dick to continue but the boy just got back in the ring and began sparring again.
"Something wrong?" Bruce tried again. Dick ducked a punch into a roll to get to Bruce's opened side to strike.
"Nothing. Just working out a project in my head." Dick said with a smile as the struck at Bruce with so much speed Bruce barely had time to react. Normally Dick's performance would have fooled Bruce, but this time Bruce knew something was wrong, and Bruce noticed that the boy's smile just didn't quite reach his eyes. Something was definitely wrong, but Bruce knew Dick wasn't going to tell him.
"Black Canary we need to talk." Bruce said intercepting the blond in the hall of the Watchtower.
"What about?" Dinah turned looked concern at his serious tone.
"It's about the children…" Bruce said leading her to a more privet corner of the currently deserted common room. "Well… more specifically Dick."
"Hmmm." Dinah waited for Bruce to continue.
"I need to know what he told you in the session. Something is bothering him and I don't know what it is." Bruce admitted. Dinah raised and eye brow, Bruce was straight to the point as always.
"So you just noticed." Dinah hadn't meant for her tone to sound so critical but she couldn't help it. It was very plain to see how distraught the boy was despite his efforts to keep up appearances, a man would have to be blind not to notice, but then again, this was Bruce.
"He told me everything was fine." Bruce said in his own defense.
"Have you tried talking to him?" Dinah asked.
"Yes. He just insists that nothing was wrong." Bruce sighed. "He has never lied to me before. I don't know when he started hiding things from me. I need to know Dinah." The use of her name showed just how desperate Bruce was, part of Dinah wanted to tell the man so the Dynamic Duo could work this out, but she had promised Dick she wouldn't tell Bruce.
"The kid is scared and vulnerable right now." Dinah put a supportive hand on the man's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. "I can't tell you what he is upset about. But you need to figure it out and fix it before it causes some serious consequences."
Just as Bruce was about to fall asleep that night a small scream caught his ear, and the familiar sound of Dick's quiet sobbing could be heard from the next room. Bruce sat up in his bed frowning. It has been quite a while since Dick had a nightmare that brought the boy to tears to Bruce's recollection. Something was definitely bothering the child and perhaps tonight Bruce would find out what it was. Bruce heard Dick's door open and his soft footsteps walk down the hall. Bruce waited for the boy to enter his room like Dick had many times before when he was younger and had woken up from an upsetting nightmare.
The steps did not stop at his door, and his door did not open, instead Bruce heard the boy go downstairs. A few quiet moments later Bruce heard Alfred's steps follow the boy. Bruce sat on the edge of his bed all of a sudden unsure of what to do. When did Dick stop coming to him about his nightmares? Has the boy been having nightmares all along and he just hadn't noticed? Alfred seemed to have noticed. Was this a new ritual Bruce didn't know about? What else what the boy hiding from him? All of a sudden Bruce felt like he didn't know Dick anymore. Ever since the team was formed Bruce has gotten less and less time to spend with the boy, but when had they drift so far apart?
Bruce pulled on his robe and crept down the steps. In the kitchen he heard Dick and Alfred talking softly. Bruce couldn't quite make out what they were saying over the whistling of the kettle but he didn't dare intrude upon the moment. Instead he hid outside the kitchen listening.
"It's really stupid isn't it Alfred?" Bruce could hear the shudder in Dick's voice as the boy was trying to compose himself.
"Not at all Master Richard." Alfred sounded heartbroken. If only Bruce could have heard what was said before. China clinked as Dick picked up his cup of tea. Chair scrapped against the floor as Alfred sat down next to the boy. "My dear boy, no matter what happens, you have me."
"Thanks Alfred." China clink as the cups were put down, chair shuffled to make room for a hug.
"Get some rest Master Richard." Bruce took a step back deeper into the shadows as soft steps head towards the kitchen door. Bruce watched Dick disappear back up the stairs, a few moments later Alfred emerged. "I do believe it's rather rude to spy."
"Alfred what is he so upset about?" Bruce asked stepping to the light streaming out of the kitchen door. "He hasn't had nightmares for so long."
"Or perhaps he has gotten much better at concealing them." Alfred's words caught Bruce off guard.
"I need to know Alfred. How am I supposed to fix this if I don't know what is wrong?" Bruce asked desperately.
"Children need to feel secure Master Bruce, even one as capable as Master Richard." Alfred said before retiring to the kitchen leaving Bruce just a mystified as before.
"J'onn." Before Bruce even began J'onn could feel the distress rolling off in waves from the usually emotionless man.
"What can I do for you old friend." J'onn asked turning to face Bruce.
"Dick still seems to be bothered by the events of the training session." Bruce admitted.
"I was under the impression he opened up the most to Dinah in the therapy session." J'onn said pointedly. "He seems to be getting along fine with the team."
"But he is still upset about something." Bruce was frustrated. "I have a feeling it has something to do with me, but no one will tell me anything. The boy used to tell me everything! How did it become like this?" J'onn smiled a little knowing that he was one of the few people Bruce had finally given up hiding his emotions from knowing that it was impossible. The man was totally defeated. "Of course I can't ask you to read his mind, but if only I knew what he is thinking."
"I am sure he will come around." J'onn said patting his shoulder gently. "When he was in the simulation I sensed a lot of insecurities from him, perhaps you just need to make him feel safe again and he will open up to you naturally."
A knock at the door drew Dick's attention from the code he was programming on his computer. Dick knew by the footsteps and the sound of the knock who was on the other side of that door but he didn't move to answer. Dick didn't know how to face Bruce right now. A part of him was ashamed, and the other part afraid, acting normal in front of Bruce was getting more and more taxing, but Dick didn't know what else to do.
Another knock sounded.
"Dick. May I come in?"
"It's open." Dick said composing himself.
"What are you working on?" Bruce asked letting himself in.
"Just playing with a new encryption alphabet." Dick turned to face the man, his smiling mask firmly in place. "What's up?" Bruce sat down at the edge of Dick's bed and gestured for Dick to sit next to him, but Dick doesn't move from his computer chair.
He could not appear vulnerable.
"Dick, I know you have talked about it with Black Canary, but I would like to talk to you about what happened in that exercise." Bruce said looking into Dick's eyes. Dick wanted nothing more than to avert Bruce's piercing gaze, but he doesn't.
He could not show weakness.
"What else is there to talk about? You read my report. You even said my performance exceeded expectations I believe was the word you used. It was just a training exercise, no big." Dick ground out trying to keep his voice steady. The buried emotions bubbling underneath shaking his composure, but he could not break.
Bruce will know. Bruce can't know!
"That's exactly what I want to talk about." Bruce said watching Dick squirm uncomfortably under his gaze. Bruce could tell that little by little Dick's wall was breaking. For a moment neither of them spoke, Bruce let the silence envelop them for a moment before he broke the silence.
"Sometimes sacrifices are necessary." Bruce paused to watch the boy for his reaction.
"Yeah. For the Mission." Dick replied bitterly the words Bruce had taught him.
I sent my friends to die, and I am supposed to be okay with it! I can't be! I am not okay with it!
"It is a tough position to be in." Bruce said holding the gaze watching the turmoil in the boy's eyes. "Had the scenario not been designed as a no-win situation your decision would have saved millions of lives."
"I know." Dick bit his lips. "You make those decisions every day."
I can't do this! I can't be you!
"I don't expect you to ever have to make those decisions." Bruce could see his little boy hurting. He wants nothing more than to pull the boy into his arms and comfort him but they were beyond that. "I don't expect you to be Batman in fact I would never want you to be. I would never wish this job on anyone, least of all you." Dick looked surprised. "Why are you surprised?"
"I just always thought one day… I would…" Dick admitted. "Why else would you train me right? If not to take up the mantle? Before this I wanted nothing more than to be… you. That's before I knew what it was truly like. Then I was ashamed that I couldn't live up to your expectations… because I thought…" Dick looked down but Bruce lifted up his chin to meet the boy's eyes again.
"You and I… we are so different." Said Bruce. "I would never expect you to become me. I would hate for you to become me. If you ever become a leader I would expect you to do what you would do, not what I would do, not what Batman would do. It is up to a man to judge if a sacrifice is too great for the cause, sometimes it is irrational but you must make a decision you can live with, because you will have to live with it."
"Is there something that even you wouldn't sacrifice? For the mission?"
Dick's voice was so small, so fearful it reminded Bruce of the small traumatized boy he brought home all those years ago. Then Bruce realised, everything fell into place. The reason Dick would hide this from him, Dinah's warnings, Alfred's hints, even J'onn. Dick was afraid that if it came down to it Bruce would sacrifice him. It all made sense; such a realisation must shake a child to the core. Bruce wondered how Dick could think that he would sacrifice Dick for the sake of the world. Did the boy not know that he was the most precious thing in the world to Bruce? Did Dick not know that Bruce would sooner sacrifice himself to keep Dick safe? Bruce a little taken aback that Dick would consider this, but he was more upset with himself for not giving Dick cause to believe otherwise.
"Yes." Bruce said knowing that words meant very little, he would have to prove himself with action. All the same, a ray of hope glistened in Dick's eyes at the man's words. Bruce never elaborated but Dick seemed to have understood. Dick got up out of his seat and threw his arms around Bruce's neck. Bruce returned the hug and gave the boy a gentle squeeze. "Yes there is."